Something NEEDS to change!
For those of you that aren't familiar with my situation (feel free to skip this part if you are) - We do "shared parenting" with no court order (aside from the child support he pays), as mature adults and have tried to raise SD to understand that she has four equal parents since we've all been there basically her entire life. She's 4 years old. We all get along just fine. We have her several days throughout the week.
I've recently posted a rant about SD calling DH "Daddy Joe" and calling her step dad just "Daddy". I think either they should both be "Daddy Joe" or just "Daddy" but if only one of them can be "Daddy", it should NOT be her mother's boyfriend, especially since he only sees her a total of 8 hours a week, due to his work schedule. She has also recently stopped calling me "Mommy Kristin" and only calling me "Kristin". Part of the reason is clearly because when bio mom refers to us, she calls us "Daddy Joe and Mommy Kristin" and refers to them as "Mommy and Daddy". Personally, I don't care what she calls me, but my DH is the best daddy in the whole world, and deserves to be treated equally to her step dad at the very least!
RANT STARTS HERE:
DH woke me up this morning (on our day off) and told me he is going into work and I need to pick up SD around 11am. Apparently, bio mom has to work and her bf wants to spend the day sleeping. No one asked me what I want to do today, I was volunteered as always, to keep her. This is not unusual. Every Sunday, bio mom and I exchange work schedules to figure out which days I will be available to watch SD when both her and DH are at work, plus we have her at least one day each weekend so DH can spend a whole day with her with no work interruptions. Every single time one of us picks her up, she cries, and it's getting emotionally draining for us. She wants to stay with mommy and daddy. Mommy babies her saying things like "well I'm sorry baby, mommy has to go to work". I think that's the problem, we are being treated like babysitters. Why do we only get her when it's convenient for bio mom? I have to schedule my life around her work schedule. Not only that, how is SD ever supposed to see us as parents when we're the big meanies who come and take her away unexpectedly? Looking back as a child, I always looked forward to weekends at my dad and step mom's house, because they were expected, and I didn't have to go every other day... it was stability. I feel that if we had scheduled time with her, things would slowly start to get easier for everyone.
The problem is that DH wants to avoid formalities (and especially court) because he's afraid it will ruin the "good thing" we've got going with them. I admit life is much easier when everyone can get along without strict arrangements, but something - I don't know what, obviously has to change because this is NOT working out.
In conclusion, I don't mind being mommy if I'm treated like one. I don't mind being step mom if I'm treated like one. I don't mind being a babysitter when I'm being paid. But I can no longer tolerate being treated like a babysitter, but told that she is my responsibility because she's my daughter. AND I can no longer tolerate her calling her own father "Daddy Joe". If I have to hear her tell DH that she wants to go home to her "daddy" one more time, I'm afraid I might say something to someone in a not so civilized way.
When my exH and I divorced,
When my exH and I divorced, we came up with an arrangement that we thought would work for us at the time and had that included in the divorce decree. Less than a year later, we made some changes but didn't put anything in writing. We've since made additional changes here and there but most of it is verbal.
I think what is different for us and what helps this type of arrangement to work is that we each have designated days with the kids. I ALWAYS have them Mon and Tues and he ALWAYS has Thursdays. Wednesdays and weekends are every others. It's basically a 60/40 split. This is our standard but we will do switches for special occasions, events, etc.
You may want to have DH and BM discuss some type of predictable schedule as it is definitely in the best interest of the child. Then the child can look forward to / prepare for her time at each home.
Tog - Shared parenting was
Tog - Shared parenting was our agreement, but as time goes by and feel more and more taken advantage of. I know 100% that BM is an overall sweet person and truly likes me. A small part of me says that she agrees to "shared parenting" because it means a free babysitter.
step off already - You seem to have a good arrangement, I'd love something like that.
I have asked DH if we could come up with some sort of schedule. He said no, because he 1 - he doesn't want drama. 2 - She didn't take him to court when he got behind on child support in the past (but we have SD just as often as BM does, so what the hell?) and 3 - He thinks that if the courts get involved, they'll inspect our house to make sure it's child safe, and that they will condemn our home because of some MINOR home issues we're working on right now. My husband worries more than any man I've ever known. He also makes me feel guilty every time I say anything negative about SD arrangements and says things like "I thought we were in this together". He doesn't understand why, if I love her (which I DO), I can't drop everything for her needs. What he doesn't realize is that I would drop everything for SD's needs, but what I'm being put through isn't for SD's needs, it's for BM's.
Sure, everybody is getting
Sure, everybody is getting along because BM has it pretty sweet and is getting her way.
Afraid of ruining a good thing means, afraid of making BM mad.
If he insists on catering to BM (because he is afraid of her), let him, but you do not have to. Stop being the babysitter. It's going to ruffle some feathers because you have set a bad precedent. I know you meant well, but this is what happens.
Your DH is going to have to figure something out that does not include relying on you so much. The question is always the same, "What would he do if he didn't have you?".
Thank you, hereiam. I think
Thank you, hereiam. I think we all agree that I need to put my foot down. I'm just so afraid of hurting DH. He just wants me to love her like he does, and he doesn't understand how I feel. She could hate him with a passion and he will still love her and insist on spending time with her. If she hated me, I would still love her but I damn sure wouldn't insist that she spend time with me.
I try to tell him to put himself in my shoes and imagine if I had a child with my ex husband. Imagine him having to go and pick up a screaming child clinging my ex's girlfriend who she calls mommy. He claims that he wouldn't have a problem with it. He'd do it, but not without feel taken advantage of.
I know DH was a package deal, but I thought the package was him + SD, not him + whatever BM wants.
Can anyone give me advice on what else I could say to him without sounding like I'm attacking him?
I agree with all prior
I agree with all prior posters! BM has it pretty sweet when she has you to "volunteer" for pick ups and baby sitting duty. Even DH is forgetting that you have feelings too.
My DH would let BM make the visitation schedule before we got together, they had no custody order- without hijacking your post and going into details let me just say it was awful. She controlled his life.
When I asked him about it what did he say???? He was proud of himself for co-parenting with her without a custody order!!! Well that shit stopped fast when she got mad at him and withheld his daughter during the christmas holiday. He filed that same month for a custody order.
It's not co-parenting or shared parenting when it's dictated to you.
Thanks, MyNest2012. BM
Thanks, MyNest2012. BM doesn't seem to be the type of person to withhold the child from us, but I never say never. It's scary to think about.
Frieda, to answer your question, I THINK (not sure) that LEGALLY speaking, shared parenting is between bio parents, yes. Our situation however is far from the norm and we've never had any type of court ordered arrangements.