SS12 disrespectful: his father (hubby) does nothing to help!!!
My husband has 3 teenagers from a previous relationship, 2 now live with us (SD15 & SS12, my other SS14 still lives with his mother). Myself & hubby also have a 5 year old daughter; 2 year old son & another son on the way, due in May (2013).
My SS12 who lives with us has no respect for me at all & often makes sneaky comments behind his dads back, if his dad is out & I am home he doesn't listen to me & shouts at me & is very abusive, even going so far as to say he wishes me & my unborn baby & 2 children were dead! When I tell hubby he seems to either not believe me or tells me to ignore this behaviour & often uses his sons ADHD & Autism as an excuse saying he can't help, he doesn't understand; etc. my hubby often sticks up for his son against me when his son is in our prescience which seems to make his son do it even more but never in front of his father.
All I have asked for is that he talks to me respectfully & has respect for myself & my 2 children & our home but I just receive a tirade of abuse in exchange.
This is now causing a rift between myself & hubby as it seems that we are like 2 camps divided in this house, myself & mine & hubby's 2 children we have together & hubby & his other 2 children (the stepchildren).
I understand ADHD & Autism & what they have both been through at the hands of their mother cannot help the situation at all but if my SD15 can move forward & respect me then why can't my SS12?
Over the past couple of weeks he has started stealing from the house, just silly things like chocolate bars & bottles of fizzy drink at first but now it's moved on to jewellery; DVDs & money. My hubby has disciplined him for the thefts but last time he stole money he laughed in my face & told me that it wasn't him when I confronted him, he said that he had seen my 5 year old daughter take it & upon my hubby searching her room the money was found in her underwear drawer, obviously my daughter got upset at this protesting her innocence but hubby wouldn't believe a word of it, even when my SS later admitted to myself & my sister (who he is equally disrespectful towards) that he had put it in her room to get her in trouble as he hates her. Upon telling hubby this myself & my sister also telling him he still wouldn't believe it & now believes I have a vendetta against his son!!!
All I require is a little respect & for my SS to stop acting like such a spoilt brat, it's not that he is jealous of my children as hubby spends more time with my SS & SD than our son or daughter together, hubby I fact pushes our 2 children we have together out in favour of his older 2 children.
Obviously with me being pregnant at the moment I am more hormonal & get upset much easier but this is stressing me out way too much now & I'm sick of all of the arguing.
Can anyone please offer any advice as I've exhausted all avenues now & really do not what to do next.
We do have children's services involved with my 2 stepchildren due to their mothers neglect; etc & even when I've asked their support worker for help they seem to also have made an excuse saying "he's adapting!"; etc but now I just feel like I'm on my own as family & friends do not come to visit anymore due to his behaviour & lack of respect.
Please help!!! X
Wow - you've got a huge
Wow - you've got a huge problem developing here. I say developing because its going to get a lot lot worse between the kid growing and the father not parenting. Eventually I see this kid hitting you and your bio-children.
I think you need to get more forceful about this now rather than later. Get a spy type video camera - one that you can wear on your chest and video these confrontations so Daddy can't ignore them any longer. Voice recording if nothing else.
Your bio-children are going to pick up on this and start being disrespectful also making it much harder to discipline them.
The reality of the situation is that no amount of counseling or parenting is going to keep this from turning into a ugly situation - in fact its ugly already with the household in two camps. I think its time that your husband be given the choice of returning his kid to the bio-mother (or better yet for the kid to a military boarding school) or take the kid and himself to a small apartment nearby.
I'm not suggesting divorce because after the kid is on his own, out of high school or dropped out your husband can move back and parent his new family. You have to protect your children and drastic measures have to be taken.
I know teenagers can be difficult but I read the signs here: broken home, ADHD and Autism all adding up to a physically dangerous situation which you must avoid before it becomes physical. This kid needs serious intervention.
My bm got that Program for
My bm got that Program for ss14. A few months later he was culivating marijuana in her front yard. I'm not sure if that was the transformation they were looking for but that's what she got.
I agree these issues need to be nipped in the bud. I think you need to get into some couples therapy with your dh. In retrospect, I wish I had done so with dh years ago. Had similar sorts of situations-right down to my ss14 doing sneaky things to purposely get my kids in trouble. Trying to talk to dh about it and him just defending the kid, making excuses, and finally turning on me if I protested too much about him. It's a common theme. I think if a neutral 3rd party could have been there to discuss some of this it would have been helpful as it was just too easy for dh to fall into the wicked sm stereotype and she's picking on my kid.
Needless to say, my ss14, since his behaviors, went unchecked has basically turned into a monster. I believe he has no conscience. He no longer resides here and I believe he's dangerous. If your issues are not addressed-Im afraid your not looking at a bright family future.
Wow...IF Dad is NOT
Wow...IF Dad is NOT confronting him and hes getting physical CALL THE COPS..period...if parents wont handle him youth enforcement will....this is INSANE...he is WAY too old, too big and is a physical danger...this is simple black n white...if Dad wants to be blind then you HAVE to protect yourself, your unborn children and your lil ones.
Adjusting my ass....your family has been together for too long for adjustment, hes eating it right up and everyones handing him the get out of jail free cards. Hes going to keep taking them so long as people keep handing them to him. What a mess!
Thanks guys for your
Thanks guys for your feedback. This has again reached breaking point today with my SD15 now joining in & basically victimising my Daughter. My Daughter is continuously upset & no matter what I seem to try it escalates into something bigger & myself & hubby end up having huge arguments & slanging matches in front of the children. I do not want any of this but have no way out in reality as the house is all in my husbands name & all of our money goes into his account so I have no money myself to stash away to escape anywhere. I have left previously in October 2012 & stayed at a women's refuge but it was having a detrimental effect on my own Daughter as she wasn't in school & she was constantly angry & upset that I had taken her away from all of her family & friends (this was in a different city)!& this had a domino effect in which my 2 year old Son started acting up so I folded & returned to the family home & since then things have. Become worse as each day passes. We are now 3 weeks away from the final hearing at court, this is to find out if hubby will keep his 2 children & also gain the 3rd one (who is the worst of the three) & if this happens we will have to move to a bigger property which is going to unsettle my children too. My SD15 was punished last night by being sent to bed 30 minutes early as she called me a "home wrecking whore", 10 minutes later she was back downstairs crying to her father saying she was going to kill herself as she didn't belong, her father calmed her down & allowed her to stay downstairs for the remainder of the 30 minutes, as he turned his back she turned & mouthed "ha ha, I win!" To me as I was the one to punish her, she turned on the waterworks & got the sympathy vote so now I'm stuck with an unhappy 5 year old & 2 year old that is starting to answer me back & laugh in my face & hubby & his 2 kids constantly on mine or my daughters case & to make things worse the social worker involved with my 2 stepchildren has taken their side & has said I need to "deal with it & just rise above it all!". I'm in the UK by the way guys so laws may be different over here to the USA. X
I might add that hubby & his
I might add that hubby & his children's mother split up due to her drug abuse & this caused her to become violent towards my hubby so they split up & he left 5 years before I met him. We have been together for 5 & a half years & married for 18 months, his 3 children lived with their mother until July 2012 when the 2 came to live with us due to their mothers abuse of them & neglect (all of her money was spent on drugs & gambling) therefore she hardly ever had food in the house to feed the children. When they came to us they were dirty & smelly with no rules or boundaries or routine ever having been instilled upon them by their maternal mother. X
You need to find help for you
You need to find help for you and your kids, and leave. This is not good for you.