This sounds familiar. Exactly what SD17 was doing to me. Treating me like I was invisible. It's very hurtful especially when you haven't done anything to deserve such treatment. And like your DH, it was all my fault.
I am pretty much disengaged but not to the point where I don't greet my sks and I expect them to do the same.
My therapist told me that my SD17 knew she was pushing my buttons and I just had to find a way to deal with it.
Easier said than done.
I feel your pain.
Let me add that I only expected my SKS to greet me once per day when I first saw them or they first saw me. After that if they walked in and out of a room I was in I didn't expect them to say anything. This wasn't behavior that SD17 displayed to anyone else (she would always greet others and be very talkative, just not me0.
Yeh, I had the same issue with the handwashing thing and my SS13. It took a few fights before the problem got addressed by DH. NOt sure the problem has been totally handled but at least there have been attempts made.

I have to agree with imasmom and dtzy. When I walk into a room I don't necessarily expect my dh or SDs to say hi to me. The same applies to and for them.

I think this is a sign that you have been disrespected by dh/ss in much bigger ways and you need to tackle those first, or just stop doing stuff for ss.

At some point the adult in a situation must step up and be the adult. Rather than play the games just sit DH and SS down, outline the issues you are having, ask them what their issues are and work out a solution. Games just aggravate the situation, cause unneeded tension and don't solve anything.

I have always found that the direct approach works wonders and never turns out as badly as is forecast. The direct approach removes any possibility of misinterpretation, confusion, misquotations, and severely limits manipulation.

Never, ever have these types of conversations by text or email and whenever possible not by telephone. They must be face to face to have the most significant effect.

Good luck.

I've experienced the same thing of non-acknowledgement so I know how it can make you feel so I extend my sympathies to you & I believe you have been totally disrespected, which is not acceptable. The only times I was ever acknowledged with a hello was when the SS wanted money. On one occasion he even came into my private bathroom quarters while I was on the toilet & just stared at me, I was so shocked & just as I was trying to get the appropriate words out of my mouth, he requested some cash & I let loose a volley of atomic energy I did not know existed in me. He subsequently left the room which is one of the only wise things he has done in his entire life & when I told his Mother she was furious & this is one of the few times in 19 years I actually saw her discipline him for such a disgraceful act towards me. Has anyone seen that film "CLIFFORD" starring Martin Short as an evil kid? That is my SS to the tee & possibly is most other SS's & SD's related to people on this list.

My theory on all this odd behavior of children has been the possibility that the vaccination needles they give kids these days, people say that some kids become autistic. Maybe that's why there are so many people on this list with similar issues & situations. Before I found this list I truly thought I was the only one experiencing all this strange behavior & disrespect from a SS but it appears that this problem is an epidemic & it is rife all over the world.

Its funny before my wife got into a bizarre tug of war with her own Mother over her biological son, I do remember that she was more forthright & frequent with discipline but this was before he turned 12 years old. The court case changed her & since then I guess it became a competition to please him. He used to be a happy kid, he used to sing & dance as a little boy but after he got the vaccination he changed. I would walk past his bedroom & find him just standing facing the corner for long periods of time & this continued right up till he left my house, this is just one of many strange behavioral things i have observed & it chills me to even talk about it, but it happens for some odd reason, I just wish I knew why, hence my theory that maybe the needles are responsible & the problem is enhanced by my Wife's bad parenting as you rightly point out....

I have to agree, you're not disengaged at all. You still seem VERY much invested in SS's behavior and manners.

I also agree with Rags that you need to be direct - stop that passive/aggressive stuff. ("Oh! I didn't even know you were here since you didn't say hi to me!") What on earth did you expect to happen when you said that??? As an adult, I'd just get pissed off at anyone who said that to me, and at 12 I'd have done the same thing he did - say nothing and continue to say nothing to the crazy lady.

Your stated goal is to get him to interact with you in a pleasant manner - but your actions seem to be geared toward creating conflict. Remember as well that men are very action oriented - so your DH is probably paying WAY more attention to your actions than your words, and based on your actions your DH is 100% right.

Hmmmmm

However; What came first, the chicken or the egg? Sounds like some issues were existing prior to this conversation and that issue/s need to be talked about with DH alone.

Your husband is defending his son with his comments and I don't agree with that being done in front of the kid. 12 years old is young - he is still an adult in process. But as soon as DH is saying stuff in front of the kid defending his not saying hi to you it sets a disrespectful tone. At that point the kid should be out of conversation. Real issue addressed. THEN, work on the polite stuff.

Now - as far as the handwashing. People get sick without a blame factor. Not a lot of sympathy about the kid being sick coming from you and I think that is why DH was defending the kid. Parental instinct to protect child. That is something every parent would do.

Nonetheless - there may be a history of disrespect here that had led to you feeling the way you do. You deserve respect. This one situation wasn't the best - but going forward you and DH have to talk about his handling of DH & parenting as far as it affects you. Brewing is never good.

Step parenting is such a challenging. You will find the balance!!!!
Good luck!!!