Disengagement vs wedding
2.5 years ago, while DH was working out of country I allowed SD31 to move back home for what was to be only 3 weeks. 8 months later and with the help of my SS35, I put most of her stuff on the front porch, changed the locks, and texted her with the many reasons why she was being evicted. It takes a hell of a lot for me to do something like that. About 20 years worth. DH's response was 'why didn't you do it sooner.' We haven't spoken to SD since. It's been real nice.
She has no real love for her dad. Has historicaly been a rude brat to him, unless she wanted money. But she craves the veneer of normal.
Now she's getting married. All of a sudden she wants her dad to be there. I suspect she just wants to look normal. At first it was just him, and this was asked thru her brother. DH said he wouldn't go without me. So we get a letter at xmas asking if we would like to meet the fiance and be a part of the wedding. I'm about to answer in the affirmative, DH and i both keep going back and forth on this. Plus it's been interesting hearing from the rest of the family, which she swore never to speak to again, how desperate she's getting about hearing from dad. She could call here.
My problem is when we finally meet him and his family is small talk.
Do I tell his mother not to let her around small children? SD thinks an effective form of punishment is to make small children drink copious amounts of water and then hold it until they pee their pants. Her nieces and nephews won't go near her.
Does DH ask if her klepto ways are under control? We're still discovering things missing, mostly expensive, easily sellable things I had put up.
Do I ask if he likes open relationships? Her behavior at a job I recommended her for almost cost me mine and made it very uncomfortable for a long time.
I probably really shouldn't accidently call her Jodi either.
Maybe I won't drink at this shindig. In vino, veritas.
She sounds like a toxic POS
She sounds like a toxic POS that you should never have anything to do with. Skip the wedding.
Skip the wedding. Please,
Skip the wedding. Please, skip the wedding.
And yet at first she comes
And yet at first she comes off as warm and engaging and then when someone disagrees with her the real her comes out. Can't let dh go by himself.
she's cute and supposedly
she's cute and supposedly gives good blow jobs, according to some. Seriously she can be quite beguiling and if she's been on meds, crazy sd can be well hidden. She's also real good at playing the victim.
Go to the wedding, you have
Go to the wedding, you have to, DH is her father. It is the right thing to do regardless her wrath. Buy a new dress, have a great time. All of the other information you ended with is not necessary, not your problem.
These chicks have no
These chicks have no pride.
My oldest sd is 25 and I too am wondering when dh will get the call.
In the 7 years I have been in the picture, dh he seen her maybe 5 times, and they were all to collect money.
And the crazy ex still sends letters about how these poor girls still want a relationship with daddy, and since they have been so hurt by us, dh needs to call them! What garbage!
But yes I can see them calling, and handling it the same as the OP situation. My dh will bend over backwards for his daughters, but he is tight with his money, so he will not pay a dime. That I know. And that gives e some comfort.
And I will feel sooooooo sorry for the poor guy who marries any of them. God help him, his future children and his own family. These girls are damaged goods, they make look pretty, but the inside is really messed up.
Ahhhh, weddings. Thank God,
Ahhhh, weddings. Thank God, SD eloped.
Her letter said no cost to
Her letter said no cost to us, all is taken care of. BS, the smelly kind. There will be costs they hadn't accounted for. I expect an ambush at the wedding reception. Should that happen, DH plans to hand her a bill for the damage she did to the house and to his business. He has no illusions about her.
SD has been diagnosed with borderline personalty disorder. It's an explanation of some of her behavior, not an excuse.
You are right about her only
You are right about her only interest in having you guys there is to project the appearance of normality. I would not have anything to do with a person like that. Not even to respond to the invitations.
Maybe you can have it both
Maybe you can have it both ways, sort of, if you and DH are on the same page as you say he is. Have DH answer her and say he will walk her down the aisle, which will require also going to the rehearsal. He will not pay any $$ toward the wedding (and stick to it) since she has been absent for years (and all the other problems). In other words, he will participate in the ceremony as her parent, but will not contribute $$ or participate in planning, or any social events such as showers, etc. Next part you and DH can discuss: either tell her you and DH will not attend the reception or on the way to the reception feign illness and, gee, sorry you and DH must go home as one of you are too sick to attend. This way, his conscience will be clear that he 'gave her away' and was there at the ceremony, but you have not had to socialize with her. After the wedding go back to disengagement. All subject to change, of course, if she has somehow transformed into a nice person since you last saw her.
A note and messages passed
A note and messages passed thru others is rather pathetic.
Again - both of you should skip this cluster eff in the making. None of the people there mean anything to you. Who cares what they think.
When BM held older SS's funeral without notifying DH my first thought was all of the people who were going to think that DH was awful for not attending his own son's funeral. I wanted to tell everyone how BM was such a horrid bitch about this - BUT then I thought about it.
I do not know any of these people off in another state. (SS lived far away as he fled a murder charge in our state). Neither does my DH. If I enlightened people about what BM did she would deny it and it would be my word against the word of the poor mother who lost her son. No good to come of it. Besides if these were friends/acquaintances of his they were probably awful people.
Sept is a long time away.
Sept is a long time away.
Here's a new wrinkle. SD
Here's a new wrinkle. SD contacted her sister who lives several states away to come. Nothing unusual there. She assumed OSD + SO + 4 kids + one grandkid would just stay with us. There are already 4 adults living here. OSD has physical issues that make it impossible to go up and down stairs. Bedrooms and bathrooms here are upstairs.
I haven't said anything, just going to let them figure it out.