Playing mind games.. am I the crazy one?
Hello my fellow stepparents!
Here I am again asking for some constructive advice from you guys!
I wanted to get your opinion on something my husband said to me last night.
He said I hold on to things for too long, and all the crap that he and my demon SD have put me through should just be water under the bridge.
According to him, I should just let things go when it comes to their mistakes. Because when he gets angry and says the most hurtful things to defend SD, he's just in an "angry state" and the things he says when he's angry should be forgiven and forgotten.
That I should always give him a chance to better himself in this matter.
But here's the catch.. I have given him many chances, and he always acts and reacts the same way when it comes to SD.
In his eyes she's always the victim and me and my son are the bad guys.
No matter the situation and the problem, all she has to do is pretend to cry (which she does pretty much every time she opens her mouth..I swear to God, that girl cannot talk in a normal voice.. imagine an 8 year old always trying to talk like a baby.. its very very annoying).
Another big issue with us is that he says I don't have the right to get in a bad mood.
My DH says that if something happens that upsets me, that I don't have the right to be in a bad mood with him. Or to be "bitchy" as he calls it.
He'll have this hour long lecture about how I shouldn't get in a bad mood.
Which in return gets me even more upset.
If i'm in a "bitchy" mood.. just let me be.
He expects me to be eating shit with a smile ALL the time.
Always in a great mood.. always happy.. always the stepford wife.
Its very annoying.
And all this drama with SD and DH is emotionally draining.
I second guess myself and wonder if I'm the bad guy.
My self esteem is going down the drain.
Please, I really need some good advice.
Thanks for reading!
YOU don't have a right to
YOU don't have a right to your own FEELINGS?? Seriously?? This is emotional abuse.
Another big issue with us is
Another big issue with us is that he says I don't have the right to get in a bad mood.
My DH says that if something happens that upsets me, that I don't have the right to be in a bad mood with him. Or to be "bitchy" as he calls it.
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Sorry but you have the RIGHT to feel however the fuck you want, whenever you want. He can't dictate your feelings. That's BULLSHIT.
Sounds to me like you guys need some marriage counseling.
Dear redwingsfan! thanks for
Dear redwingsfan!
thanks for responding!
And trust me..it infuriates me every time my DH says I shouldn't get angry or so easily upset. He went as far as to say once that I need to go to an anger management class.. because according to him I need to work on my mood swings! Lol!
The funny thing is that I usually only get upset and in a bitchy mood when SD is here or when we're talking about her. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he's always making her the victim and me and my son are always the bad guys.
I think that would get on anyones nerves after a while..don't u?
he's just in an "angry state"
he's just in an "angry state" and the things he says when he's angry should be forgiven and forgotten.
That I should always give him a chance to better himself in this matter.
This is classic abuser mentality.
The only advice I can give is
The only advice I can give is to tell him he has no right to tell you how to feel. Feel what you feel. Deal with it however it fits you. You don't have to forgive shit. Screw the both of them. You have a right to be "bitchy" if they don't like it well then they need to change their behavior and well things will change. Seriously. I am sorry for you. I have a wretched SD and a biotch BM to deal with. I am BITCHY alot......
Dear butterfly_2011.. Thank
Dear butterfly_2011..
Thank for the advice!!
Definitely dealing with my demon SD and my DH always making her the victim is a big reason why I get in a bitchy mood.
But..he not only doesn't see it.. he doesn't understand. Which is frustrating and stressful to say the least.
DH is a pretty easy going guy when it comes to most things.
But when the subject is SD..this man becomes someone else.
And no matter how much I try to show him things from my perspective..its like talking to a wall.
He tells me I don't have the right to interfere with his parenting methods and that I need to let him be the whichever way he wants to be with his daughter.
What am I supossed to say to that?
Its a big mind fu**!! That's what it is!
Wow. What double standards.
Wow. What double standards. So you're not allowed to be in a "bitchy" mood, but it's okay for him to be in an "angry state"?
You're right - he IS playing mind games with you.
It took me YEARS to get over
It took me YEARS to get over some of the stepabuse I feel I suffered at mostly dh and ss's hands. YEARS. I quite frankly am not over some of the stuff that ss14 has done. The reason it took so long? Because it kept freaking happening. Something would happen, I'd address it with dh, maybe he'd be better for awhile, and then next month the same sort of situation would occur. It was not until dh finally got it-that I was able to forgive him and move on from that hurt.
Nobody can tell you how to feel. Only you can determine that.
Hello pixelated! Thanks for
Hello pixelated!
Thanks for responding!
I really liked your message.. its so true that words do real damage and its very difficult to just let it go.
Believe me.. I try. But I just can't.
And to answer your question.. he doesn't think I should ever be in a bad mood. Of course he also doesn't like it if I take it out on him.. but the thing is that I don't. When I'm in a bitchy mood..than I'm in a bitchy mood. With everyone around. Not just him. Bit he can't handle that. He thinks I should be all smiles all the time.
I don't know if that's possible for anyone!
Oh God, you and I have the
Oh God, you and I have the same SD, but mine is 11. Talks like a baby, though. It's sickening!!!!!!! I can't even stand the sound of her voice when she talks to my husband. When she talks to me, it's a different story; she has mastered the art of condescending, arrogant tone. And pretending to cry? OMG, my SD is a pro and her dad falls for it every time. And I promise you, you are not the one at fault. I am at fault, SD teachers are at fault, her BM, but nothing is EVER the little b's fault! You should read up on this site about "disengaging". You must disengage or you will lose your mind! I didn't get good advice soon enough, so I am on anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication. I even got some counseling for a short while. My advice to you:
1)Do not speak to this child unless it is absolutely necessary. If she speaks to you with anything other than kindness and respect, you can say, "oh you sure are a ray of sunshine" or something and walk away. I know you probably want to say stfu you little b, but you can't say anything that would make her dad mad. 2) don't tell her to pick up after herself, or put her shoes on, etc. It's not your job. 3)If your husband wants to talk about his kid's behavior, simply tell him that since you 2 can't agree, you'd rather not discuss it with him. 4)When she is at your home(God I hope she's not there full time) LEAVE!! Go shopping, go to the gym, go to her friend's house, take long naps!! 5) Learn to say to your husband, "I'm sorry you feel that way". and walk away. Your feelings are valid and you are NOT a horrible person for feeling the way you do. I WAS NORMAL BEFORE SD. I don't drive my SD to school, I don't take her shopping,I don't even cook dinner on the nights that she is here and my daughter is with her father! I don't do her laundry, I don't clean her room. I have been hung up on the deliberate messes that she makes in our home, but I'm over it now. I just take extra Ativan on the days she is here. Good luck. I know how much it sucks!