Moving out of state (i think...)
DH and I are likely moving out of state - like to the other side of the country. It will likely happen very quickly if we do. The company he's interviewing with will be flying us both out next week to meet. The VP's wife has invited me for 2 days of spa, golf, cocktails while the men finalize the terms of the offer. We fully expect we will fly out with a job offer in hand and a start date.
This wasn't our #1 goal (to move out of state). The fact of the matter is, DH took on WAY too much debt in his divorce. I mean - to the point that even though he's a doctor and makes a lot of money, we have to juggle bills sometimes to pay his support, alimony, and all the marital debt he took on - before we even factor in student loans. Its sad, really. Lets not even get started on retirement savings - because his barely exists.
This job offer will allow us to pay off all debt within 6 years - and place enough in retirement so that he could realistically still retire around age 60. We've explored every option we can to get ahead... this is the most stable, professionally correct thing he can do. It will leave us in a much better financial situation. I am nervous to find a new job across the country, leave my friends, and a city I am completely in love with.
We haven't even mentioned this prospect to the BM or skids. The skids are almost completely PASed. Aside from Christmas when SDs came to pick up their gifts (Grrr) we haven't been graced with their presence since July. SS10 has begun throwing full-fledged fits about coming over EOW where BM has threatened (empty) to have police waiting, etc. Its been really bad. The skids, in general, are very hateful, and have basically told DH that they refuse a relationship with him... unless he divorces me. Mind you - as much as I don't like the drama, I've never really done anything to them - other than acting coldly (ie disengaging) around them.
SDs and BM have made up lies, and started emailing all of DHs family asking for support to get him to leave me. Its utter craziness, that DH has not tolerated at all.
Here's the question: We plan on having SS come over and telling him about our move in person. DH plans on drafting an email to SDs explaining our decision to move. Do we need to do anything more? When he requested to meet with them to announce our engagement a while back, they refused - even though he said it was "something really important" - so I doubt that they would meet to discuss this. They are 14 and 17, btw.
DH has negotiated the increased pay in one-time bonuses, which is not considered "income" in our state for CS purposes. BM gets more money in CS and alimony than most college educated people - and she sits at home on her ass without a job... so trust me - this isn't a mechanism to get out of supporting his kids. We just have to be smarter than the system if we're ever gonna get out from under this rock. We discussed it with the lawyer and this is our best bet.
Further - DH has a HORRIBLE relationship with the BM. Super, super high conflict. Is he obligated to discuss this with her? Obviously it will be discussed when he attempts a visitation modification (not like she will follow it either way) - but.... does he need to have an FYI discussion with her? And, what does that even look like?
HELP!
^^ Thanks. I was kind of
The one thing she could do is try and block any summer/holiday visits in the new agreement. With as shitty as his kids are though, he's planning on just visiting when we're back in our home state a couple times per year. It's not what he wants... but the last time we took them on vacation, they made wild accusations about us partying/drinking (we had one margarita on the deck of our vacation home before dinner). It was a big shit show, and he's not willing to have them for extended visits anymore because of the backlash (threats for child endangerment, etc).
I would make all plans and
I would make all plans and just let your attorney notify her. She will almost certainly take you to court for more money. It's good that you have it planned how to minimize that.
I do understand where you are coming from with the professional and debt issues. I had to move from one coast to the other to take a new job when I was about 40. I just couldn't handle the lower salary I was making and was so in debt from some bad real estate investments (not high living).
It was the best thing I ever did. Like you it took me a few years to get out of date and then I was able to fund enough to take early retirement eventually.
Do not discuss this with BM ever. She will just yell, scream, accuse and attack.
I know of many people who have lived long distance from their children and have maintained a relationship. The children are now grown and all is well. Maybe it won't ever be well with the SDs. But I'd have the attorney file for a new parenting plan that takes in the new address.
This will confirm everything
This will confirm everything the mother has instilled in the kids heads making the possibility of any meaninful relationship with them in the future impossible.
If Dad were here my advise to him would be that he brief the kids on what a wonderful opportunity he has before him, how it'll solve his current debt and retirement problems. Then tell the kids that he's not going because his kids are more important and he's not even going to take the free trip.
If you want to give him your best advise and support than that would be what you should say. Then come back here for advise on what to do to solve the PAS problem.
I can picture the two of you on the far coast of the U.S. twenty or so years from now. No parents, no kids, nothing going for you except a paid off house, car and a reservation at the golf course where you look over and see him staring off in the distance. You won't have to wonder who he's thinking about.
That life you are describing
That life you are describing 20 years down the line is what I am living. And it's a wonderful life. SS would move in with us in a second - had been telling everyone on FB that's what he is going to do. Nope, not going to happen.
My brother lived 2500 miles away from his son from the time the son was 6. The son is 30. They are extremely close. BM hasn't spoken to my bro in 25 years but the son adores his father. After college he chose to move to the city where his dad lives.
There are exceptions to
There are exceptions to everything I've ever said. Calculate the odd.
This is ridiculous.
This is ridiculous.
^^ This isn't even an option
If we DON'T do this... 20 years from now, DH will be divorced and still behind financially - and working until he's 80. SOoooo... let's picture that scenario, under your suggestion:
20 years from now, DH will be alone, his kids still won't speak to him, he's 60 years old still working 20 hour shifts at the hospital. When he stares off into the distance - who is he thinking about? His kids - who have their own lives, kids, etc and won't include him? No - he will be thinking about me... and the bad decisions he made to support his shitty ex wife and ungrateful kids.
Nope, sorry. Not an option.
Thank you. I want to make
Thank you. I want to make this suggestion to DH. I'm not sure whether he will listen at all... because he does feel that he MUST tell them. SS is only 10 - so when he doesn't want to visit, most of that is his mother's PAS. But, it doesn't make it any better.
I like the idea of having our lawyer notify her.
What basis would she have to ask for more money? I'm not being condescending - I am legitimately trying to make sure I've thought this through from every angle. Our attorney & the employer have worked together to determine a salary package that wouldn't calculate any additional income for CS purposes. DH's agreement states that he's responsible for health insurance and 75% of non-covered medical expenses (only if he approves them in writing first). It specifically states that all living expenses (food, clothing, shelter, utilities), school expenses (supplies, clothes, field trips), and transportation, outside of visitation (gas, car insurance, deductibles, car payments, subsequent vehicles) are to budgeted in the CS and alimony and that no additional funds will be provided. The attorney did that to make sure she didn't bleed him dry for all the "extras" she thinks are his responsibility.
If he's not making any more calculatable (is that a word?) income, and already paying the max state CS and a ridiculous amount on non-adjustable alimony... I don't know what else she can ask for. But, who knows. Nothing would surprise me.
aometimes you have to oput
aometimes you have to oput yorself first. for the sake of kids that will probably contiinue to hate you for their entire life, you 2 should sit there and take it, whilst being in terrible debt and having no life. Move, move far away, live your life, leave the door open for skids, WHEN you get there (coz no matter how you tell them , it will never be good enough in their eyes). Enojoy your marraige, just becasue eople divorce shouldnt mean anybody gets crippled with debt, its ridiculous and unfair.
It is a tough situation to be
It is a tough situation to be in... unfortunately, your move will probably lead to the BM hitting the ceiling and taking her PAS-ing strategies up a notch. Poor kids...
I think your DH needs to write each of the skids a personal letter - may be send it to the schools so that the BM does not intercept it... or talk to the guidance counselors at their schools to facilitate a discussion... and explain what a difficult decision it is for him, and how much he will miss them, and how they could Skype every night, and how every school vacation they are welcome to come and stay with you, and do fun things. How he is doing it so that he could eventually make more money that would help them in the long run.
He also needs to state very clearly that you and him are a team and you will both be looking forward to having them come over. Whether this is going to happen or not, in my opinion this is what he should be saying to them.
I do not know about the FYI conversation but if you end up negotiating with the BM about anything i think you should get her to put the kids in therapy - may be you should be the ones picking a therapist familiar with PAS. The kids will need a therapeutic intervention for any relationship with their dad to be possible right now. But that does not mean that your DH should stop reaching out to them, he just needs a very thick skin. They are being manipulated, as i am sure you already know.
Unfortunately, he's already
Unfortunately, he's already offered to Skype with them. He's tried to Facetime with them. They blocked him, so he can't even try anymore.
Also - not that it matters... but as it stands right now, SDs are not welcome in our home. This is the advice of our attorney. Because of the level of PAS and desire for vengeance they (and their mother) has, they have started accusing us of small red-flag types of things: ie: talking badly about them on FB (we have never done that), neglecting them by not feeding them, etc. Our attorney said he's seen that escalate more times than he can count and turn into abuse allegations, etc. We will meet them for dinner - if they'd ever agree, or in a public place for a couple of hours... but never anywhere that would give them the opportunity to make false allegations.
Live YOUR life. Sorry, I
Live YOUR life. Sorry, I understand that sometimes this is not fair to the kids. However, in most situations, the kids have been horrendously PASed by their BM anyway...Even if he didn't go, he'd have a crap relationship with them even if he kissed their behind. Don't say a word, get your stuff together, let your DH tell the kids days before he leaves, when she can't harrass you or him for days. After that, do NOT answer the phone for a while...She WILL try to make your life hell after you move too. I know, we were there.
^^^ The voice of reason. Even
^^^
The voice of reason. Even kids with relatively a good relationship with their dad still believe he owes them something.
One of my best friends is really close to her dad... but the one thing she won't stand for is if anyone comes in because "his money belongs to me." and "his house is mine when he passes."
She's kind a level-headed everywhere else, but PAS of this kind, unless she can realize no one owes anyone any money, and everything given is a gift, is impossible to break out of. I think the percentage of people who overcome PAS are even less than those who have a long distance relationship with their kids. It's like the unicorn of divorce situations.
Personally, for everyone's
Personally, for everyone's "safety", I wouldn't notify until after the move and job is secure and the attorney has a game plan IN MOTION. I don't think a sentimental feeling should override the fact that crazy will probably do everything in her power to sabotage it.
If your DH does, it's probably going to be one of those the backlash outweighs the good by a ton--if you want to deal with all the crap, have at it. I know neither me nor my DH would given these circumstances. Especially since most courts are BM biased, you need as much of a head start as you can.
First off - congratulations
First off - congratulations and I hope the new job offer is exactly what will help you and DH get ahead.
Secondly, you can allow the attorney to notify everyone if you wish and that may be your best bet.
Third, LIVE YOUR LIFE! If the kids don't want anything to do with dear daddy now, what difference does it make if he lives 2000 miles away from them right?
I wish I were in your position. DH and I desperately want to move and SD14 has been so PAS'd that we haven't had her over since forcing her in October, June before that. Now BM is taking Dh to court for increased parenting time (100%) and full c/s. I'm so over her and her bullshit and just want to escape this place.
Anyhow, sorry to get off on my own tangent there - I wish you and your hubby the best and hope it all works out for you!