Hit A Nerve Early This Morning...BM Drama
Just need to vent:
My SS14 hit a nerve this morning. Apparently, when his BM looked at his report card she yelled at him for being tarty 4 times this semester. She told him to tell me to get him to school on time. I went off. Just F-ing off the deep end.
My SD15 lives with her. She works part time, goes to school on our dime, gets food stamps, free lunches, etc., just because she's a SINGLE MOM. My SD doesn't have the medication she needs timely, needs to see a dermatologist for cystic acne all over her body and she doesn't even get to get regular hair cuts.
I told my SS14 that his mother has alot bigger problem than to worry about what happens at our house. He came back with but she's my MOM. I said, I don't care. She pays nothing for your support, while we continue to pay for your sisters. You have better grades than your sister and you're going through a growth spurt and you eat and sleep non-stop and if she spent an ounce of time with you on her weekends she'd know that....he was speachless.
I told him I was the one doing it, not her and she may be his mother, but she had no right to critize me for something so petty, let alone yell at him for it.
What a nerve yelling at her
What a nerve yelling at her kid about tardiness and yes, I'd be majorly choked too. But AnaR is right - you did the same thing to the kid. Not blaming you - god knows I can lose it too.
Try and get the kid to school on time. Whatever the issue is - you probably have too much to do - but it is important.
And the BM not taking care of her DD's cystic acne is unforgiveable! That type of acne scars and leaves deep emotional trauma as well
He's a sleeper and will fall
He's a sleeper and will fall asleep standng up in the hallway when you walk away. He's a hard sleeper, he sleeps through two alarms every morning. His mother knows nothing about him. He also, has ADHD so getting him moving is almost impossible. Once he forgot his meds, once there was an accident and we were re-routed, once I was sick, and another time we had a flat tire. He's missed no school days at all this year or last year - and has never been more than 3 minutes late. She's just a nit picker.
I of course appologized to him after the fact. I have literally caught him sleeping standing up in the bathroom in lieu of getting in the shower. He goes to bed at 9:30 so that's not the issues. It's a growth thing. He's eating and sleeping like crazy and has grown 6 inches in 4 months.
She doesn't know anything about her own child. She sees him EOW and works from 5am til 2pm and then takes a nap, goes to her NA meeting, works again on Sunday, takes another nap. She spends a few hours with him Friday evening, Saturday evening and Sunday when she drives him to the drop off point.
I bet you feel alot better
I bet you feel alot better after your little rant??!!! he's 14 , he can take it, hes not a toddler. And to be honest men learn loyalties alot quicker than what girls do! At the end of the day,maybe just maybe you shouldnt have said that to him in the ehat of the moment, but at a later stage when you werent so angry (even though fully jusified!). He needs to have it pointed out to him that you do alot for him and who the hell does she think she is yelling at him to tell you to do her job :? BM is on some other planet!!
You sound like you are doing a good job and I dont think any harm has been done, maybe just speak to him later and say you shouldnt have said all of that but you love him and are trying your best but he needs to help in the mornings more and not take to heart the bs that comes out BM's mouth as you do all of this because you love him, not because you have to. I think he's aware you and BM dont get on so the rest doesnt need to be said
So... Why IS he tardy to
So... Why IS he tardy to school so often? How is his Dad addressing that?
New Rule: Children do not
New Rule: Children do not pass verbal messages. Period. Daddy tells the BM and the kid. If she wants to send a message she calls, emails etc TO HER EX. Not you.
If the boy says "Mom said..." you immediately interrupt and say 'I don't want to hear it'. Even if he says you need to hear this don't accept the message and if he blurts it out don't act on it.
The word will get back to BM quickly enough.
As for your outburst you've apologized to him but its something he had to hear. He's old enough to know that she's not doing her part and he'll be more observent to her failings from now on. Kids don't think of the money and time spent on them and a reminder every now and then can't hurt.
I'm glad the boy is living with his father. At this age he needs a fathers guidance as well as a womans touch. Good for you.
And honestly? This needs to
And honestly? This needs to be between Dad and Mom. OP needs to step out.
So you speak up to the mother
So you speak up to the mother not the kid.
Going off on the kid is just striking out at a person who can't strike back. If you want BM to know how you feel, tell her yourself and leave the kids out of it.
She was not disrespected by
She was not disrespected by Mom in her (SM's) home. SM went off on her SS. Not cool. Sorry - This needs to be between the parents, both of whom are putting kid AND SM in the middle. The parents need to stop putting them in the middle and grow the hell up, and learn how to communicate. THEY are the problem. OP needs to tell her husband to take care of his own problems.
Why do the guys always get the pass? They are just as culpable.
I absolutely agree. I raise
I absolutely agree. I raise my SS she doesn't and I pay for alot. She's good enough to take my money, but wants to play super mom in front of people. It's BS, plain and simple.
When my oldest SS was 17 he disrespected me and I cut him off financially. He's never done it again.
Please Jumanji - OP (other
Please Jumanji - OP (other parent) is the one caring for the kid, not BM. BM sounds like a hot mess who needs to get her own household up to par before commenting on what the OP has been doing FOR HER CHILD. Thats what I've found makes me the most angry in these situation. BM and DH figure it out on their own and SM just acts as handmaiden to BM. Not likely. I don't expect my DH to do everything for my DD4 without question or to take orders from ANY of her biological father's family (her bio dad is dead). Never would I allow any of them to criticize him or act like he wasn't doing enough. If he doesn ANYTHING its more than he is required to do. Luckily he has been very good to my DD4 and considers her his child, but he doesn't have to. Just like this OP doesn't have to do a damn thing for SS14. If the BM had an ounce of brains, she would be greatful that OP does anything to help her children and call DH with any problems she has with tardiness.
My use of OP was Original
My use of OP was Original Poster, rather than Other Parent.
Doesn't change my response.
Doesn't change my response. If BM wants to make all decisions with DH and criticize her childs caretaker then I guess she better remarry him and hire a live in nanny.
God, sometimes I wish I could
God, sometimes I wish I could snap and say something like this to my SS when he's saying "My mom says____, etc". Fortunately, I have held it all in so far... but everyone has a breaking point.
I would try apologizing to him for "taking it out on him" once you've had a chance to cool off. It will go a long way with your relationship with SS... and will help him from having to choose sides. He knows the kind of person his mom is - but its still hard to be a kid and feel like you have to choose.
The bigger problem here is
The bigger problem here is that the DH and BM don't talk. I make most decisions regarding the kids, handle all discipline, etc...even for the SD that lives with her. She's useless honestly and so is my husband when it comes to parenting. The kids will both tell you that I'm the one who's stable and consistent.