19yo SD disrespectful to Mom and I. Mom says "be positive and it will change, eventually". I call shenanigans
I'm a 38yo guy who is engaged to an amazing woman with 2 kids. The boy is 10, and the daughter is 19. I'm having major issues dealing with the stepdaughter. Not many problems with the boy. I once had a 12 year old son of my own, but he passed away a few years ago due to a 5 year battle with Leukemia. I'm pretty familiar with parenting of boys, but not so much with girls. Especially 19 year old girls.
My main problem with her is that she is battling depression, and it frustrates me because of all the sleeping, not contributing, and the complaining about anything that is not what she wants. To top it off her boyfriend comes into my house and basically does the same thing she does. Just lays around, doesn't clean up after himself and hides in her room all day whenever he is here. The depression stems from training for several years for a carreer (balet) that she will not be able to acheive due to problems with her joints. I realize the sadness that comes with dealing with the death of her dreams, but it's difficult for me at the same time to deal with all the issues that come with it.
Last night I went over the edge and screamed about my frustrations to my friends for about an hour while she listened from the other room. I'm not really sure how to apply damage control right now because I know an appology is not really going to be accepted, and I don't blame her. We were getting along pretty well for the last month, but the other night she overheard mom and I being intimate. She flipped out and left and texted mom that we were "dipsh*ts". It all went downhill from there because I just won't be called names in my own home by someone who does not contribute anything at all to anyone else or the household. Then the yelling the night later because she texted me early in the morning that the boyfriend would be staying over. Not asking, telling.
Not really sure what to do. She is mad at me, Mom is wondering if it's going to work and isn't very pleased, and I'm not sure how to make any of it better. I'm not really all that sure if anything will actually make it better because Mom is so resilient to putting her foot down, and usually gets talked back to if she does.
Mom provides all financial support for the daughter, so saying "move out" is not really an option either because it would be an extra $1000 per month on top of what is already given to the daughter. It's also not what I want, I just want people that live here to respect each other and the place they live in. And I'm sick of hearing "be positive with her and it will get better". This is my house that I own, and I have a pretty hard time dealing with people in it that are disrespectful to each other, especially me. The daughter was homeschooled, which I also think has a lot to do with the issues. 13 Years ago I was engaged to a 19 year old who was homeshooled and she acted the same way. Not sure if I can do it again, especially in this capacity.
A 19 year old is not a
A 19 year old is not a child.
Is she going to move her boyfriend in next? Seriously Dude - this is your house. Man up and boot her lazy ass out.
No, no moving loser in. I've
No, no moving loser in. I've made sure that he's only here on friday and saturday nights. But, still, I don't want him in my house at all. I was raised to know that if you are a guest in someone else's house, ESPECIALLY a girlfriend's house, that you are courteous and pick up after yourself. I can't kick her out without kicking mom out too. Package deal.
I think the worst part of it
I think the worst part of it all is that I am starting to realize that the amount of respect I will be given by any female in the house is much less than I will ever get back. Luckily for now, the son respects me and appreciates me. I can't say the same for the rest, which is unfortunate, because that's what's needed.
I've worked REALLY hard to
I've worked REALLY hard to make all this happen though, but I didn't know that this is the sort of thing I would be dealing with. But, yeah, I see your points. I don't want to lose any of them, but at the same time I know that nothing will be gained by continuing this pattern.
Can Mom support herself and 2
Can Mom support herself and 2 kids? I say calmly, and matter-of-factly, state that you will no longer be disrespected in your home. Here's a list of what everyone in the household will contribute (chore-wise and financially). Like it or lump it. Boyfriend will leave by 12:00 pm or whenever you deem is appropriate. State whatever other rules you'd like to lay down for your home. Then walk away.
If they want to leave, they obviously weren't with you for the right reasons in the first place.
She can, easily. And I can
She can, easily. And I can do the same on my own, although it will be more of a strain on me than her as she takes care of all the utilities. However, less people means less utilities. Thanks guys. I'm going to give it a close to last shot soon. Just needed some feedback from people who weren't in our network. I really appreciate it. I'll update tomorrow. Off to bed.
This takes me back about 10
This takes me back about 10 months. About 2 months before I walked out
Try and get your other half to join you in discussion or counselling where you thoughts and feelings can be expressed without you being ignored, bullied or railroaded. If your partner doesn't want to then you'll know just how little she cares for your wellbeing
You deserve to be listened to as much as anyone else in the house.
Step daughter is a parasite, she can maintain a relationship in all this depression? Utter rubbish, not interested, this is about you and you partner, all sd is being is a catalyst.
Remember, if all else fails ... there are plenty more women out there and you have something to offer
Agreed. Next thing is will be
Agreed. Next thing is will be her getting pregnant, an excellent way to avoid reality
Losingit, firstly, I'm very
Losingit, firstly, I'm very sorry to hear about the loss of your son, very sad. You say that your SD "moving out" isn't really what you want, so it sounds like you need to find a way to all live together in this situation with good boundaries. You don't mention whether SD actually works or if she is studying? In other words, what happened after she realized she could no longer pursue her career as a ballet dancer. If she is working, is she paying rent? It would be good to know more of the story. Has she been treated for her depression?
Also, do you favour your fiance's son due to your own loss? Have you dealt with your own loss?
You sound like a decent guy and if you and your fiance are able to communicate about these issues, I see it working. I have a 17 year old daughter and she can be extremely moody and what she needs more than anything is good boundaries and to know that SO and I are aligned in this. In other words, your SD should never be allowed to be divisive when it comes to you and your fiance. Would be good to also know how you and your fiance communicate and how you resolve these types of issues. If you are venting to outsiders, it sounds like your communication with your fiance isn't that great. Perhaps that needs to be worked on first and foremost.
I wish you the best in dealing with this...
I'm also curious about the
I'm also curious about the homeschool comment...I'm not sure what kind of behavior you were talking about, but I homeschool my kids...
Forget what everyone above said.
Here's the deal. You don't say how long she's been depressed. Your main problems were 1)she's depressed, and 2)her boyfriend. The easy one first: tell the boyfriend what's expected. He doesn't like it, then it takes care of the problem...he doesn't visit.
Back to the depression. I've been doing some reading on grieving and repercussions of not being allowed to. This may not just be about ballet. Where is her dad? How long have they been divorced? Has she been able to grieve that loss? One thing you should NOT do is try to force someone to stop grieving, or stop being depressed. You can't pull someone out of it. But the truth is, if she has not grieved properly over past losses, it may all be piled up and difficult to recover from. I'm sorry you lost your son. If you feel you have grieved the loss of your son properly, you may know what I'm talking about. There is no comparison to losing a child and losing a dream. But to her, the dream WAS her child. It's the biggest thing she's ever had, so it is HUGE. You may have some insight into how to help her deal with her loss. You don't provide much specific info, so most of the advice above stems from anger that posters have from their own situation. From what you say, other than the depression, things were fine? (Well, and except for her outbursts...)I remember being 19. It is legally an adult, but they still do stupid things. You don't know everything at 19. I moved back home at 19 and paid my parents rent while I finished school. And I had boyfriends over that stayed too late.
Here is a great site that will eventually lead to the information on grief. There are many links within links, but all are helpful if you can find your way through. Dr. Gerlach has numerous videos on youtube and might even have one on grieving. http://sfhelp.org
Thank you. This helps me a
Thank you. This helps me a lot. Just bringing the axe down on everything is not a solution for anyone, especially me. I think I really needed to hear it in the context that you put it in. We are working it out currently and some changes are being made. I'm just going to take a step back and see how Mom's way works just as well, but most likely better than mine. I'm not gaining any points by being irate or forceful, but when I wrote all this I was pretty frustrated and upset. There's a lot more to it than the nutshell I wrote. Comparing her losing her dream to me losing my son helped me a great deal. Thank you. I think I'll be ok now after some damage control.
I'm so sorry for the loss of
I'm so sorry for the loss of your son. (((HUGS)))
Is SD getting treated for her depression? Because if she's not, she should be. Mom needs to put her foot down and insist that a) she seek help for her depression (Mom may have to financially help her out with this), b) she gets and keeps a job, c) she pay an allotted amount of rent money monthly, and d) she get passing grades in school (if she goes to college, that is). If SD doesn't agree to this, Mom needs to take her to your local YWCA. I don't think any parent would want to do that, but your SD might be a person who has to learn the hard way.
If your SD wants to work her
If your SD wants to work her way out of her depressive state, perhaps she can volunteer teaching dancing to underpriveledged youth in your community.
I guess I am just getting too old because when I hear about these young people who are "depressed" over life's inevitable disappointments, I just don't have a lot of sympathy. Especially in this case, because her dreams of being a prima ballerina are over. Well, isn't that sad.
Every day we can all see people in our communities who are bravely facing what life has dished out to them (blindness, loss of limbs, terminal or incurable illness) and they do it with a grace, dignity and humor that should make your SD ashamed of herself. Really.
Maybe due to the gravity of your own loss and what you had to witness your beloved child go through, you don't have a lot of sympathy for her either. And I don't blame you one bit for that. Not a bit.