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Just keep swimming... Don't wanna Drown!

HisOtherHalf's picture

Being new to blogging on this site, I'm not sure where to start... Ok here goes. Sometimes I hate myself. Can anyone relate? I'm embarrassed by my past and don't want to live there, but it keeps seeping into my present. I've been married and divorced 3 times. I'm in my 4th marriage by almost 6 years. 2 children from my first which lasted 5 years. No children from my 2nd marriage which lasted only 2 years. 2 children from my 3rd which lasted 14 years. My husband was married just once before that lasted 5 years and has one daughter, age 22. His divorce was 16 years ago. We are in our 50s. My parents are deceased and his recently passed. Most of my husbands family hates me for reasons i have stated and for others stemming from their own family secrets (incest). They continually try to break us up. We handle it pretty well by staying away from them, but... This often times puts his daughter in the middle. His family and daughter say that Im making him choose. My husband calls his weekly and tries to make plans for dinner or something, but she's always too busy, and its usually because she's with "the family" - cousins, aunts & uncles and her mom. So how this plays out is that he/we only see her is we go to family events where I am the brunt of their abuse. They shun me, insult me, laugh at me... She recently has begun to go along with their stunts. I'm not sure how much she knows about the incest in the family's past. My husband will not talk to her specifically about the the hurtful things she has taken part of, but will say things such as "being around certain people make (him) uncomfortable". She has no response. End of conversation. He admits that he doesn't want to push her away and expects be to be understanding. Sometimes I am, and sometimes not. Here's the BOTTOM LINE. A wife is a wife, a daughter is a daughter. There is no choice to be made. Your thoughts???

Comments

ltman's picture

Dh needs to seriously talk yo SD and explain how things are and that her contributions are not appreciated.

twoviewpoints's picture

But there are 'choices' being made...and it's SD making them.

She chooses to spend all her spare time with other people. She chooses to participate in their rude/crude disrespect. You/Dad have invited her to your home over and over, she chooses to decline. If she doesn't like she doesn't get to see her father, she can look in a mirror and ask the reflection why.

Did I understand correctly that BM is present at all family social events? Weird. Why is she invited to all social gatherings that your husband would be interested in attending (I'm not clear as to which side of the family, BM's or DH's that are holding the gatherings). If these are BM's side of the family, DH shouldn't be invited nor expected to attend. If these are DH's side of the family they are purposely trying to exclude DH/you from attending.

I don't attend places I'm not wanted and I would not tolerate being the butt of rudeness nor disrespect regardless of where I am at. The SD is 22, if she wants to cut Dad out and play poor victim who never is allowed to see her father because of evil SM, well let her. You can't control where she goes or what she chooses to do outside of your home.

SD has chosen everything, based on what your OP says, regarding whether or not her dad is a part of her life. Your fault free, so rid yourself of the guilt.

HisOtherHalf's picture

Thanks for all the affirmations and encouragement! No one has mentioned my multiple marriages. Does anyone have any advice as to how to deal with the shame? My shame is not due to my own behavior, but there is a huge social stigma associated with women and multiple divorces...kind of like the woman at the well in the Bible. A few examples...The father of my two oldest children is Japanese and they look like him. My youngest two are caucasian. Showing photos of my children always invites questions such as "Oh did you adopt these two. They're so..ah, ah,.beautiful". And now that background checks are required just to be a school volunteer the school secretary looks at my paperwork and says, "How many names and marriages have you had anyway?" My response...."Obviously, too many." I know it's none of their business, but family talk in social settings is inevitable. I live in a small town and i feel like Im walking around with a big red X on my forehead. The combination of the RA and red X has really taken a toll on me. i used to feel like i had a lot to offer, but now, Im more of a shrinking violet. Can anyone relate?