Are the kids really the first priority in this case?
DH went out of town for a few days to visit his ailing dad. He was supposed to have SD the same weekend. He needed to see the dad and wanted to spend that time with siblings and dad only, I stayed home to spend time with my Biokids.
Ex called DH and lit him a new one because she was not consulted with his going on this trip. He told the SS18 and SD14 that grandpa (86) is ill and he needed to spend time with him to run errands, do chores and fix a few things around grandpa's house. He was not there to entertain Skids with trips to Disney World (went to FL).
She told him he needed to make the skids a priority and should have consulted with her. Said he should have taken them with him.
He told her what he was going for. He told her he didn't call HER because his kids were old enough to understand and that while he communicates with them, he doesn't need her approval to make plans out side of hers.
She felt he should have taken them or at least SD anyway and to hell with what he wanted.
He's upset because he feels he can do nothing right. He was laid off and was down in the dumps. Because he pays her a king's ransom on Maintenance, he felt he needed to tell her that. He also felt he needed to let her know that while he got severance he was going to really have to watch his finances because he had to continue to make it through this transition. Her only reply was...she has bills, she has to pay for her household and she needed to know if he was still going to send her check. No, I'm sorry, no that sucks, no we will be okay. Nothing. Just, bitch better have my money!! I laughed to myself because while she says this and I understand, she forgets, she took half of their savings before their divorce (its in black and white, the transfer), left him to pay off their credit cards (her clothes, shoes, hair appts, spas, trips, and his stuff too). She forgets she lied when asked about money she had so as to appear destitute and the courts bought it even when she said she had no more of the $50K she took.
So here we are. He said he would continue to pay the $1500 CS for the one kid as that is no where near what he pays her but she'd have to understand that he just doesn't have the income. No, she doesn't have to care. But where is the compassion?
I digress, she tells him his priorities are in the wrong place and that he should have done A) took skids too; or 
he should not have gone at all and stayed home to spend the time with them.
What are your thoughts?
He lost it all when he divorced her and she has even come back after that asking for more. She got everything but his clothes and car. Seriously, he didn't even fight her in court because of his guilt over leaving. She has never really worked and is working making minimum wages now. The bulk of her support is from him. The money she makes is chump change and is less than what he pays for the SD each month.
He was concerned about her/their security and rightfully so but forgot he also needed to live. But he put them before himself.
Does he deserve to be shit on even more right now? Or are we missing something? I am so pissed at her I could spit bullets! She doesn't give a rat's ass about him, it's only about her needs and the skids desires. So what he needed to go see his dad. She may or may not know I stayed home. So, maybe her issue is she thinks we went out of town and "OH Heaven forbid" did not take SD along with us while we went to work on grandpa's house and make sure he saw his son during the holidays.
Dtzyblnd, ^^^^^exactly what I
Dtzyblnd, ^^^^^exactly what I told him^^^^^! She was pissed because she found out second hand and didn't have a chance to guilt him into changing his plans.
She is one reason why some exes come up missing! She is always holding her hand out and saying it's for the kids. The KID SS is 18 and gets help from his dad on an as need basis. The SD gets her share and it is way more than enough.
It's hard to ignore the bullshit because then SD comes over here with her ass on her shoulders because it has been conveyed that DH doesn't do this or that because of me and BM's words..."his other fucking family".
UGH! I pray that either she falls off the face of the earth or some other poor sap marries her and takes her off our hands. She is a burr on my ass and drives him to drink!
My thoughts are pretty much
My thoughts are pretty much the same as dtzy's. The ex is an angry, bitter, controlling bitch and it's best to pay her no mind.
He told her he didn't call HER because his kids were old enough to understand and that while he communicates with them, he doesn't need her approval to make plans out side of hers.
^^^^Exactly.
When my SD became a teenager, my husband rarely spoke to BM, as SD was then old enough for him to discuss things with her directly.
Of course, BM gave him the "we will be bonded forever" crap, which is so not true. SD is now 21 and BM knows not to even dial the phone unless there is a dire emergency. Actually, even then, SD's husband can call us.
Hereiam...she has also told
Hereiam...she has also told him that they will forever be tied to each other and he bought it because they are parents to the same set of kids. He tip toes around her because BM rules and the kids will turn on him before turning on Mama Bear!
Sad but true. Forever bonded is BS...I could care less what my ex is doing and with whom he does it with. My adult sons stop needed me to be a go between when the oldest was 13. As they got older I was completely removed. There was simply no need for us to talk. When cell phones came into play, it was a complete wrap, the ex didn't need to even call my house. So, I get what you're saying but I doubt she will let go.
This is the woman that sends pics of the ss18 with a hair cut reminding him that this is the cut he wore in Officer's School and college. Really, bitch, really?!? Also, sending photos of ss moving into dorm and saying...we finally got him off to college...WE can breathe again...UGH! Are you kidding me?!?!?
I feel bad for your DH but he
I feel bad for your DH but he needs to man up and quit talking to her.
She has no more right to call him and yell at him than she has a right to call ME and yell at me. She is not his wife anymore.
One child is an adult and the other is almost there. She doesn't get a vote on what he does in his life. period. He should NEVER give her extra money. If he wants to directly do something for one of his children then he should deal with that child.
Why is he listening to her? Why does he think "he can't do anything right" because of HER opinion?
Why does he care what she thinks? He is giving her this power.
He only needs to say three words to her - "FUCK OFF BITCH".
Oldone...I would love to hear
Oldone...I would love to hear him tell her exactly that! However, she has guilted him to the point where he feels he "owes" her because he left her after 20 some odd years of marriage. He feels guilty because he couldn't stand her nor she him, but she would have rather they keep up an image of the perfect nuclear family than to let on that all wasn't well in paradise and there were many flies in the milk. So, he lets her have her say because she has convinced him (using the kids) that anything that goes wrong in the world, bad weather, sun not shining on her side of the block, hang nails, you name it, it is his fault and they have "endured" so much that he has to make it all better by giving in to whims of her via giving in to the kids. She will call and ask for more than her share and the CS and say, why do the kids have to suffer (really, suffer because they can't go to Maui?) because he doesn't want to pay for it. She has him believing their lifestyle should not change because he decided to leave her. While I agree the kids should not be on the streets, the reality is that there is a life changing event and so some things will change. There is no way around that. It's okay that he has little but she is not supposed to have to go without anything at all. She is making him pay and bugging the shit out of him because he chose to find happiness over her trollish ass!!! SOrry for the rant...I just get so mad because I feel powerless and helpless as there isn't shit I can do to make anything any better. Sadly, he is stuck with this parasite for another 9 years and the SD another 3.5.
He struggles with it and we have had many an ugly argument because of this troll and try to work through it yet the moment SD comes around with her hackles up...we are right back at square one. He is afraid she will bad mouth him to the kids and he will lose their love and the relationships. The son is only around when he wants something. He doesn't call on his dad for anything else. DH has to constantly remind the kid he has another parent and he is still alive even when he isn't handing out money.
He feels he can't do anything right because whenever he does anything independent of her...she blasts him and it's because of, again her words "his other fucking family!"
This troll started up with this mess AFTER they couldn't be bothered to give him a gift wrapped roll of toilet tissue. Yet, skids made sure they met him to get theirs! Oh good lord, I am just so frigging tired of her and her antics. He can't see it because he is too busy being guilty.
She feels she has a right to call him because her words "they have to co-parent their beautiful, talented and amazing kids"! I want to throw up as I type this because while they are decent enough, they are hardly the bees knees...they're ordinary kids! She feels she has to dictate what he does with them because only she knows what is best for them.
I had to remind him that he had to start from scratch and was getting himself together when we got together after the courtrape. He was taking care of them when there was no CO. He forgets he did this because it was the right thing to do and she was unappreciative even then. He forgets she is not running anything over here and to take her noise elsewhere.
Again, I know some of this is my ranting and venting...I do not have anyone I can really talk to so I guess this is my way to get it all out! I get so depressed and I cannot always freely share my feelings with him because it then puts a strain on our relationship and we have other crap we are dealing with right now...yeah, being laid off at top of the list.
Go ahead and rant and rave -
Go ahead and rant and rave - it's healthy to get it out.
My DH's second wife took everything - even most of his clothes. I swear this man barely had a duffel full of stuff when I met him several years after the divorce. But thank goodness he never had children with her as I could see her doing this crap. She did it with her first husband (father of her children).
But your DH should get some counseling. He does not need to feel guilty. And he does not need to co-parent when the children are this old.
Yeah, we have been dancing
Yeah, we have been dancing around it. I mention it, he says we will go...then nothing. I find a counselor ask him what he thinks, he says okay, then...nothing.
So, we talked while he was packing to go and I addressed it again. We will see how serious he is when he returns.
He is a private and proud man and sees therapy as airing dirty laundry. However, I have explained to him how it isn't airing anything as we are talking amongst each other, no one else. I honestly believe he doesn't want to face some ugly truths. He is career military and you just don't want to ever show your vulnerabilities, to him is can be a sign of weakness, i.e. failure.
Wish me luck and thanks for your input and insight!
I am finding alot of information and finding that I am not alone on StepTalk. It's sometimes heartbreaking as I read some of the stories and see myself in them, but at others refreshing and downright hilarious!
We SMs get a bad rap and these BMs are a piece of work! I feel for my stepmother and the hell she probably had to go through when I was growing up and she was coming into our lives after the death of my mother. I almost feel this is poetic justice...LOL!
Oh I understand completely
Oh I understand completely about the proud military man - that is my DH. (Army Ranger)
He had to go to some counseling in his second marriage as his wife lost custody of her son with her first husband because of her horrible PASing. She eventually got visitation but they both had to go to a lot of "sessions". He hated it.
Second wife must have just been horrible as they were a solid middle class church going family with no alcohol, drug or abuse issues. It's pretty hard for a woman to lose custody in a situation like that.
Oh yeah, you understand! I
Oh yeah, you understand! I hope he goes because there is a lot of stuff he has had to compartmentalize over the years and shortly after retiring he divorced her. He was sick and tired of the BS and wanted to live out the second half of his life happy.
My guess is his unrealized fear is that alot other stuff will come up in counseling and he will have to deal with it.
Why do these men continue for
Why do these men continue for years to feel guilt and let the X control their lives. Honestly, how hard would it have been to say, you know what. Just listenting to how self centred and selfish you are reminds me of why I left you in the first place and hung up.
They leave, but they never really leave do they.
I think she is a selfish cow. I am sorry this happened to you because it must be driving you to distraction.
I think when these men let this go on for years, what they do is allow their kids to learn how to manipulate them. The kids watch mum doing this, they see mum gets what she wants by doing this, they see her treat dad with disrespect, and get away with it, they grow up and become the adult step kids we all know and love. Manipulating and guilting daddy. Treating him with dissrespect and giving him not one ounce of gratitude. Our whole lives are spent fighting or living in misery with this crap.
Back to step 1: Just listening to how self centered and selfish you are reminds me of why I left you in the first place......Click.
EBU...you have hit the nail
EBU...you have hit the nail on the head. She is teaching the kids to be disrespectful and manipulative. When SD is here she pouts and that causes guilty dad to jump to find out what is wrong with her. I laugh and sometimes say to him that he created that monster and now it is turning on him. I tell him she is not 5 and cannot fully process her emotions, she knows that as long as she is rude I will leave the room. She knows that as long as she is nasty to DD she will leave the room. As long as she pouts he will try to make it all better. When I have the wherewithall, I sit there and cuddle up with DH and watch the smoke come from her ears. Spiteful, yes, but she cannot rule my roost. Then as she said, Gee Mom, Daddy went to FL and didn't even take me and I wanted him to come bring me my gift..." The troll sprang to action to ring his phone to beat him down. Yeah, SD said that. Now he went to meet SS to give him their gifts and they had nothing for him...it would be hurtful if it were only that but then SS tells DH that he has "something" for him but didn't have time to wrap it before heading to the meeting place to collect their bounty. I lost it in PetSmart when DH told me that! I was like "That BOY had the nerve to tell you that? Seriously, he told you that?! DH said YEP, then said he felt like shit because he knows better.
So, yeah, he has made the statement you just made...when she does this, he says, Thank you, BM, for reminding of the very reason I left you in the first place.
It is causing a distraction because he works so hard and puts up with so much and it is spilling over to our relationship because he knows I cannot stand SD and exactly why.
He left but she won't leave it alone. She is priming her DD to carry on her legacy of a selfish, lazy, inconsiderate, ungrateful bump on the ass of society. Lovely!
I met the SS for the first time two weeks ago and we went out for the afternoon becauas he said he wanted to go take a look in vintage stores. The SS was all primed to get DH to pay for his finds...when DH encouraged SS to buy what he found, SS looked like he'd been slapped. He begrudingly pulled out his wallet and paid, but was rude and soon after paying actually left us and went to a store down the street and around the corner without saying a word. He had to call SS to find out where he'd disappeared to and I was like Damn, that's rude, but DH brushed it off. We had lunch...at the table, SS ordered his food ate and played on his smartphone through most of the meal. DH tried to engage him and this kid either answered with a nasty tone or outright ignored his dad. I was embarrassed for DH but what could I say then? Had I known this boy longer than 3 hrs I would have lit into him.
It just never ends and you have BM in all her trollish ways, leading the pack.
Heaven help us all!
Well if he has told her that
Well if he has told her that then I hope and pray that he can one day soon tell his kids, you know you are both turning out to be very greedy, ungrateful and selfish people. I don't like it.
He won't I know, but gosh I wish he would. Because his failure to address it will only encourage it.
He needed to take away that smartphone and tell his son it was rude to do that at the table, but no, if he did that son won't talk to him.
I'm sure there is a book out there on how to always be a guilty dad and destroy your kids.
I am sorry for you. I know how awful and hard this is and how much it impacts on your relationship. I guess we all do.
I think the biggest mistake, well I know the biggest mistake I ever made is the one you pretty much did too. You had only know him 3 hours and you said nothing. However, what you think is doing the right thing, minding your own business because it is not your place to say anything. These kids see as you accepting their rudeness, and so you should, who are you.
Please don't allow it in your home. If it happens the first time, give your husband one chance to fix it, if he doesn't stand up to his kids when they are rude to your or they isolate you the first time, he's not going to. I wanted to throw my husband's daughter out of here on day one. it took me 8 years. Why, because I loved my husband, I didn't want him to be unhappy, blah, blah, blah.
Well he let his daughter treat me like dog poo on the soles of her feet. But I said nothing either. For him. Finally I was at the stage where I didn't like him very much. You see his daughter had a baby and told him if he wanted to see it he had to leave me. Now to be fair, he said, well I won't be seeing the baby. But she had the nerve to come around here 3 months after that and was going to walk back into this house and act like she had done nothing wrong. I knew it was only going to be more of the same, she desperately wanted her father to see that baby, that baby was her nuclear weapon to get rid of me. So when I opened the door I told her never to come back, if she did I would have her charged with trespass. I told DH he was more than welcome to go with her, but the party was over. I would take no more.
Had I spoken up years ago and stopped her from treating me like dirt, who knows, maybe it would have worked, maybe not. But the fact remains, I caused a lot of my own problems by tryng ot do the right thing by my husband. Please don't allow this to happen to you. If they are rude. Call them out on it if their father won't. They see us taking it and all the while trying to be nice to them so their father can have a relationship with them, as us being fools. They do not appreciate what we do, they abuse it.
You have a point. I will
You have a point. I will have to start taking back my power. I tried it out the last time SD was here. She was probably shocked because I rarely give her instructions.
I know he is a guilty dad and I fully understand why. It doesn't make it right but I understand the dynamics. I will work with him to get us all to a place of civility.
He says he has called them out several times about not reaching out to him except for when they want something (more SS than SD) but he still shows up when they call on him. I have listened to him have that conversation with SS on the phone and it broke my heart, it was like he was begging this ingrate for some attention and recognition. While he has called him out, obviously not much changed.
I know I won't let it go again if SS is rude to my husband. He doesn't, as far as I know, deserve that treatment. You are right, he wasn't going to embarrass the son, but it was right fine for the son the embarrass him. Well, I would have been embarrassed if my son were to treat me that way.
I understand these kids don't want me in their dad's life. They feel I am an intruder. I get it, I was a SD once upon a time. But there is never an occasion to be rude like that. So, it won't happen again, not on my watch. DH has been pushing me to engage the SD more and to call her out on her shit but I have been reluctant to because I (enabling maybe) haven't wanted to embarrass her and cause her to pull away from her dad and be the cause of her not wanting to come around. But enough is enough.
After doing some soul searching since that embarrassing lunch, the boy calling to make sure he got their gifts but not having 5 minutes to wrap DH's gift (a lie, they probably had nothing) then top it all off with today's drama, I am fed up and I will not be silent anymore. This has gone on long enough and I'm tired and resentful and I do not like myself like this. I am starting to hate these kids and it's not all their fault. Part of it is my fault for not standing up for myself, my DH or my DD.
Change is coming. I'll keep you posted and thank you again.
I have a question. Did your DH support you when you stood your ground to his daughter trying to come back into your home? If so, did you ask why the change in his position? Did he just get it one day or was he tired too?
DH had a choice that day. Go
DH had a choice that day. Go or stay. His daughter had already given him an ultimatum when the baby was born. Want to see it. Leave her.
When she showed up, I gave him a choice, he could go with her, he could go to the door and tell her she wasn't welcome and never to come back or I would do it for him. He told me to do it.
Be very careful. You have to stand up for yourself, but do not stand up for your husband. I first started sticking up for him. I let the little cow away with all sorts of things with me, but eventually what broke me and first opened my mouth was the way she spoke and treated him.
You know what. You are not doing him any favours, what you are actually doing, is showing his kids he is weak, he can be pushed around and you are taking control of him. He let them say it. YOU stepped in. What you do is make things worse. My suggestion in hindsight would be, to jump down their throats by all means and tell them not to look at you like that, not to speak to you like that, not to take that tone with your, or excuse me this is my house and don't think you can walk in and walk out without saying so much as hello or goodbye or make me feel unwelcome in my own home. You can't. If you cannot come here and treat me with respect, then don't come back till you can. And stick to it.
If you fight your husband's battles you are only confirming he is not a man in their eyes. You don't want to go down that road.
Perhaps if it gets too much for you, you might get away with, something like, I don't toleate rudeness in my home from anyone to anyone. We don't speak like that in this house. I don't know. But I'd bec careful and I would stay well away from "Your father doesn't deserve that" or don't speak to your father like that. Your husband really has to do it.
Getting back to my situation. He didn't like it one bit. He'd give his right arm even up until today for her to come here. I know that. However, what he still doesn't get, and never will, is he is the reason it all happened. He allowed all of this disrespect towards himself and me for years. He did nothing. By his silence he was actually condoning and encouraging it. The things he let that girl say and do are gobsmacking. Sure she was rude as hell to him. I'd have slapped my child's mouth for less than came out of hers. But he said nothing. When I spoke up, he said nothing, he never supported me. Worse though, he supported her. Her birthday, just briefly there's lots on this, but just a quickie to give you some idea. She passes cake around as far as her father and leaves me out (she was 28), DH quickly slides his piece of cake in front of me, instead of saying what about my wife. Then he asks her for a piece of cake for himself. No mention of what's going on here. When we left, as I said there were many incidents that night and I said I will never go there again and be treated like that, he came up with all sorts of excuses for each and every incident. The cake. Well, he gave me his didn't he, what was the problem.
No he till this day will never get it. Does he support me. Well he knows I'm right. he knows his daughter will never change and if she comes here again it will be the same old same old. So, because he has no clue how to fix it, he is going along with it, because it is easier for him. Yes he was tired of it too, but really in his heart of hearts, he just would have done anything for me to just shut up and take it.
To be honest over the years we had many heated argurements over this one child. In one of those arguements, he actually said to me, this is all your fault, if you'd just shut up and put up with her crap like I do, we woudn't have any problems.
After years and years and years of trying to make this woman feel welcome in my home. After years of trying to help my husband have a relationship with his daughter, it all came down to in the last 3 or 4 years Id say, all being my fault. I didn't like her, I just looked for trouble in her, no matter what she said I took it the wrong way, I was too sensitive, I took it the wrong way, and I if I just put up with her crap, it would all be okay.
All my husband ever had to do, was see his children for what they are and love them anyway. He had to be a parent and love them enough to discipline them. To teach them manners, and to have enough gumption to say, hey, don't speak to/treat my wife like that. He couldn't, he was scared they wouldn't talk to him.
Well now they're not talking to him. He has lost two sons a daughter and 3 grandchildren. He came very close to losing his wife, and he has lost a lot well pretty much all of my respect. He is suffering now, because his daughter when she couldnt get back in here went to his father, her grandfather. A grandfather she had ignored for 10 years, and hadn't even bothered to tell she was pregnant. She went to him to get him to order daddy to let her in the house. Her Italian grandfather started in on my DH as only the Italians can. Now his father stopped talking to me a year ago, and it would seem he is not talking to my husband either now. He had no contact with his family over Christmas. His father sided with this piece of work, the prodical grandaugher. He believes she turned to him because daddy hurt her and rejected her, she did not. She does not care about her father, she has made that clear many, many times. She went to her grandfather to finish off the job. She wanted daddy to be punished, and he has been.
She did this with DH's sons as well. They were happy to accept our relationship. She was not. Slowly, she caused trouble between DH and his sons. She came here sooking to daddy about this and that, getting daddy to fight her battles with her brothers for her. Eventually he never spoke to his sons because they won't have anything to do with him. Why would they. He was always jumping down their thoats to protect his daughter.
Let your husband do his own fighting. If he doesn't want to let him live with the consequences. But do not make him look like a bigger fool for fighting for him in front of his kids.
But as far as you are concerned. The gloves are off and let your DH know it. He needs to understand that while he is happy to be treated as second best and used by his children, other people in the world are not and will not accept it.
He needs to know all of this before you build up years and years of resentment and it all turns out this bad.
I do not know if anything would be different if I had handled it differently. If I instead of putting DH's feeling first had had some self respect and told him. Your children cannot come here if you are going to embarass me by accepting their rudeness and worse still if you are going to teach them I am to be treated with disrespect also. To be honest, I suspect not. My husband's daughter has a personality disorder and I think this outcome was inevitable. What was perphaps preventable was all the years of angst and anger in this house. All the fighting and yelling over her, had I not allowed it to continue for as long as I did before blowing up.
My husband is what he is. He will never change. Yours may not either. The change had to come from me. I had to stand up and say no more. I had become a nervous anxious wreck. My sanity was at stake. And I had developed severe repeated lung infections. My immune system has been compromised. I finished up with no choice but to do what I did. But my husband if he thought I would say nothing, would let her walk back in that door this very minute. He has not changed.
He doesn't feel guilty
He doesn't feel guilty because he left. My ex bf got kicked out of his house and marriage and did nothing...yet still feels guilty. I think the guilt is that their kids are being raised differently from how they planned. His relationship with his ex is just like your dh's. She sounds narcissistic and he sounds like he's got codependency issues.
He tip toes around her
He tip toes around her because BM rules and the kids will turn on him before turning on Mama Bear!
She is teaching the kids to be disrespectful and manipulative
The fact is, it doesn't matter what he does or doesn't do, she is turning the kids against him anyway and the more he gives in to their manipulation tactics, the worse it will get. Does he really want a relationship with his children based on what he will do for them?
My husband swore to me when we got together that he wouldn't let his ex-wife use his daughter to manipulate him and he stuck by it. BM still tried but she never got what she wanted. That hasn't stopped his daughter from trying the same thing, but he does not give in to her, either. SD still calls him and still sees him.
Was his relationship with his daughter affected? Yes, to an extent but it was because of BM, not him. He could've given in to her all day long, she still would've interfered in his relationship with his daughter. Just because she's a bitch like that. BM fed SD all kinds of lies about my husband but she now knows none of it's true.
You and your DH both need to take back your power.
Hereiam - He is on the road
Hereiam - He is on the road home and when he gets in we will reconnect and have a talk. I know he will rehash all that we discussed yesterday while making the 12 hr drive home so I am sure he will have new thoughts and ideas about this. We will have to establish boundaries and I will share with him my thoughts about how he is letting her control what he does in his life (not her business anymore) and that he has to take back his power. He walks around trying to appease SD and SS in hopes that they will be able to deflect the bs she feeds them. But it doesn't work. She can always spout her venom he just has to let it go.
The first step is to let go of his midguided thinking that what she says is of any value. It simply isn't because anything she says is in her favor and her favor alone.
There was a time when he wanted she and I to meet each other in the name of her knowing who her kids are around. I balked at it then because I have never given a rat's ass about her knowing me. She has violated our space once and she will not be allowed to do it again. No she has never come to our home but when we were living apart she'd drive by my home. She would pop up 25 mls from her home to "shop" in our area. Coincidence, I think not. She has taken photos of us out by showing up in parks we'd frequent in hopes of proving he was involved with me before their divorce (we knew each other but were not together when she was stalking).
Anyway, we will have to talk because he does believe if he does not rise to the random occasion that his kids want to be bothered with him that he will lose.
He is concerned about someone else raising his daughter and I have suggested he let go of that selftorture because no matter where he is, some other man will have an influence on her. His only responsibilities are to us (our marriage) and to provide financial and parental support to his kids. Nothing more nothing less.
He has a long way to go and I will be there to support him all the while not daring to feed into the SD or SS or BM madness. They all need therapy, and in order to strengthen our bond, so do we.
Thanks for the support it has truly made a difference. It's one thing to know what you know, but it is another to receive input from others and realize what you know is not unique to one's self.