Hello everyone..I am new to this site and started looking online for support and hoping you can provide some advice. I read some of the posts and everyone seems straightforward and supportive. So here's my story...

My husband and I met almost 2.5 years ago and got married this last May. We have a great love story and courtship that we love re-telling one another and truly cherish everyday together but this isn't why I am writing...

My husband and his ex-wife's divorce was finalized only a short time before we met and they hadn't really ever figured out all the details of new relationships. I have an 11 year old myself and familiar with being the mom trying to figure it out with my son's dad. My son's dad and I through out the years had different relationships and he is on his second marriage and I even almost got married once. Thankfully I knew it wasn't right for me and my son and called it off three months before the wedding. I knew what I wanted for myself and for my son and I am so grateful I waited and found my husband.

My husband and is ex only dated for two months and then found out she was pregnant and thought getting married was the right thing to do. Well their marriage became another statistic and the typical story you always read about...they really didn't know each other, they wanted different things, they had no idea how to communicate or compromise. Their entire relationship was focused on the pregnancy and shortly thereafter they found out they were having twins. So everything became twice as stressful and twice the arguments. My husband really tried to make it work and even said the first year was about the pregnancy, the next year was dealing with new babies and double the work, and the last year became about trying to make their relationship work for the kids. The last ditch effort to know you tried and even went to counseling.

When my husband and I started dating, I asked all the questions. I really wanted to understand him and what he had been through since these are things from his past and are a part of him now. I realized that he had been in very controlling relationship. I was amazed at the stories....not allowed to go to mall, not allowed to watch VH1 because a pretty celebrity might be on, taking pictures of himself at they gym as proof, constant checking his cell phone for who was calling/texting and saying yes or no if he could respond. I asked...was there any reason for this behavior...were you cheating or talking to other people? He explained no and it was like that from the very beginning after they got married. It was like a switch flipped and he had no idea that she was like this. He said if he had known this he would have made different decision about marriage. He obliged along thinking it was hormones, stress with unexpected pregnancy, all the big changes they were both dealing with. So he trying to be supportive would abide to make it work especially for the kids because it wasn't their fault. It only became worse and caused so much conflict because he just truly couldn't understand. Everyday became a constant fight and the smallest things became huge arguments. It was really sad and even borderline abusive in my opinion to dictate where you go, who you can talk to, and even what you wear. My husband starting rebelling in a sense to actually stop taking his phone with him, going to the mall on purpose, going to the gym and not taking photos. This only escalated their problems...she would show up at the gym and fight in public, she would hold his phone in her lap at night time when babies were asleep...the list goes on and on. He finally resorted to the one thing she always accused him of and he cheated. The accusation finally became a self fulfilling reality. I asked why and he said because it was the only thing I felt like I could control. I had been guilty of it our whole relationship for no reason and gave her what she wanted to hate me for. He said he was so low , depressed, and wanted to feel anything even if it was guilt rather than the fight they had been in since the beginning. He knew it had to end but just didn't have the courage to say the words because of the kids. One day he went out for milk and realized that he couldn't do it anymore..he sat in the parking lot for an hour thinking it through and realized their relationship wasn't healthy, he was making horrible decisions that weren't helping and in the end it really wasn't good for the kids. During that hour, his phone wouldn't stop ringing because it doesn't take an hour to get milk. He came home and said it's over and they began the divorce proceedings.

One other detail so you can get the entire picture...after my husband made the decision to divorce and the proceedings began, my husband found out that his affair resulted in a child. He explained to that woman, whom he had known for over 10 years, that he can't be participant at this point because of the divorce and figuring out the kids. The child support was setup but he couldn't be there for the baby. That only upset this person and she contacted his wife to setup a play date for the kids. So that didn't make the situation any easier.

So here's where I need the advice....

During their divorce proceedings, he gave her full custody and they verbally agreed that this could be revised once he was settled. He said he was just so emotionally drained and exhausted over the last few years and his guilt for the divorce, the affair, the baby that it was easier to give her what she wanted because he just didn't have any fight left in him. The divorce was as amicable as it could be with everything I explained above, which surprised me given their history. He went every night he was off work to ex's apartment to make dinner for the kids, do bathtime and bedtime. It was the only time he was allowed to see them but he was willing to take two hours every night then not see them at all.

As I mentioned, we started dating shortly after their divorce was finalized. During the time when we were dating, we didn't meet up until after he had spent time with the kids and put them to bed. That was a priority for him and I completely respect that because my son's dad only spends the minimal time he wants with my son. My husband was completely upfront about everything and didn't want to date someone without them knowing what really had happened and it worried him that I would run. It was that catch22...do i say everything upfront and possibly scare them off or do i with hold information until needed but then hurt that person's feelings with not being honest. I appreciated his honesty and i think in some weird way it was his ability to let it all go. I realized during this time all the amazing qualities he had and was never appreciated. He really wanted to be a good dad, he really wanted to be a good person, he really wanted to be with someone who accepted him for him...flaws and all.

Even during the visits with the kids, she would accuse him of seeing other people and call those alleged many people some not so nice names. He let it go because they were divorced and could understand she was mad about everything. We dated for almost three months and the night time ritual with the kids and her comments continued this way until he finally had enough of her bad mouthing the "many" which was really only me. He explained yes he has been dating one person and we are moving in together in the next month. This only upset her more and has created the crazy road we have tried to delicately manage through out the last 2.5 years. She refused for him to take the kids to the fast food place directly next to her house for fear that I would be there. He explained multiple times that is not who I am and that I have a son of my own and completely understand her wishes. He explained it was sad that my son felt like he wasn't important enough to meet the twins but that in the end we all respected the right way to approach this and to not move to fast.

My son immediately adored my husband and saw how happy i was and how happy he made me. He even in his mature beyond his years way told me that someone (besides him of course he added) made me really smile and really laugh and he hadn't really seen that in a long time. I had waited a couple months before introducing him to my husband. It really worked out because my husband helped me move out of my apt and back into my parents for a couple months while i found a better place for us to live.(Apt going down hill and wanted a better school for my son). During the two months I was at my parents, my husband would come over for dinner with my folks, play with my son and just be part of a family that he never really had. It's kind of sweet because he always refers to it as that time he moved in my parents house with us. It has some of our best memories and my parents really saw how much my husband loved me, my son and was a good person despite his past. They accepted him for who he was and even sweeter my dad presented him with a key to the house and welcomed him as part of our family. It's one of those honorable moments my husband tells me and my parents how special that made him feel because they truly trusted him and that's not something he felt worth of or deserved after everything had happened. Time came that the three of us needed to find a place to live and that's when my husband finally had enough and told her about me and my son.

Their night time ritual had continued for the next three months even after the three of us moved into a great house that had a bedroom all setup for the twins for when the time was right. We were ready when she was ready. Finally she agreed and explained to my husband that they had to tell the kids they were divorced (almost 10 months later). It was really sad because they knew daddy didn't live there but they thought it was because he lived at work. They sorta understood and then next thing you know they meet me, my son and stay at our new house. It wasn't the way my husband or myself would have handled and felt like they were being lied to but she had control and that's how she wanted it. I think to this day it has caused more confusion for them. His ex and I met a few days before they finally came over. She interrogated me which i completely understood having been on that side. She realized that I was just a mom and related to what she was going through. She of course asked if I knew everything which I said yes I have been aware of the whole time. She looked at me like I was an idiot but she didn't realize I knew the whole story and what my husband had been through the last few years. I really wanted to tell her how hurt he was, how unappreciated he was, how emasculated he was and how she couldn't see all of his good qualities from the very beginning and I just didn't understand. I know there are two sides to every story but that was my husband's perception and reality so that's what I have to go on.

So the kids started coming over and then all the rules came. I helped my husband understand that he needs to be patient and not so confrontational. This isn't about them it's about the kids. The old fights have to stop and focus only on the kids. My husband put every effort even at times when it was really difficult to not fight because it was just ridiculous the rules and demands. For the last 18 months, it has been a constant battle. I have been patient and understanding through out the this whole time but we all have our breaking point. She shows up late, she doesn't have them ready at agreed times, she starts fights in front of them which my husband gets sucked into, she says things with intention to push my husband's buttons and start a fight. I told him you can't give in to it. It's a way to control a situation and get attention. You can't feed into it. We have played nice for the last 14 months. However these last four months have been the worse. They can no longer speak over the phone and communicate only via email. She refuses to let him keep the kids for three nights in a row and stated it's in their best interests to be with her. She started sending them to a counselor against his wishes because one has tantrums and the other sucks their thumb. He asked why and said her counselor that she sees for anxiety issues suggested it, which of course my husband said why wouldn't she recommend and did she happen to provide a referral to another doctor in the same office. It's their job that's what they are suppose to do. She now refuses to let them come over during the week for overnights even though my husband can pick them up and take them to school. They are in Pre-K so she has been checking the school log and because they are there 10 mins late which the teacher has said isn't a big deal because it's just Pre-K and what are they going to miss...a coloring page. She sends emails that tell us what we can or cannot do. Every interaction we are both prepared for a fight. She is constantly worried that they are going to get hurt when they are around us but yet they have both had 3 ER visits while in her custody and have never been seriously hurt in our custody outside of normal kids tumbles. The kids have said they are afraid to tell her that they miss their dad because they feel they will get in trouble. The kids have been recently lying to her about things (really ridiculous things) that you know are kid's "fish" stories but refuses to believe that her kids would ever do that. So then she sends email with demands. She has on several separate occasions said "I have final power" so we have to abide. She said she will fight joint custody and any modifications. He has sat down with her to talk thru things and she is either completely disengaged or ready for a fight. I have sat down with her separately and she completely agrees and then disengaged. It's like we fight to get a word in and it falls on deaf ears.

We are pulling together all the paperwork to modify the custody and know that at this point the courts need to weigh in here. We feel like we have tried everything. I just don't know what to do. My husband is so confused because he just wants to spend time with the kids. He continuously thanks me for being by his side and supporting him because he knows this isn't exactly what I signed up for and appreciates me for being strong through it all. He has even contemplated if it's worth seeing the kids if it is creating such an emotional issue for them and everyone...would it be better but then realizes that's not acceptable for anyone and not fair for them. I feel like our wedding and we have recently introduced the baby from the affair into our house has caused these last few months to be worse than ever. His ex praised him for stepping up since she knew he didn't participate to focus on the twins instead but then said I thought my kids would never have to meet her...very confusing. The baby who is two is super sweet, everyone loves her and she has transitioned well as have the other kids who accept her. They are young enough to just know they have a sister. My son loves her no matter because he has a brother from his dad that same age and is older and gets blended families and how they all look different.

Thank you for reading my long story..if you make it to the end. (which actually felt good getting it all out) I just don't know what to do. I can look back and see how things could be handled differently at some times but all in all we have tried everything to work amicably together and just comes back to bite us. We try rational approach and we are asking to much, we concede an inch and she takes 10 miles, we are just confused and not sure what to do. We both have agreed that this battle cannot continue and the courts need to decide even for our own sanity because it takes it's toll. My husband has said that these demands and negative attitudes cannot rule our lives anymore because it takes away from our house and family time whether it's just the two, three, four or all six of us. We try to put the kids and our family first but constantly met with opposition. We are like anyone else with their version of blended family trying to make it work and be happy.

Any supportive advice or thoughts would be appreciated. Thanks!