Message from BM
I don't know whether to laugh, or cry from the sheer nuttiness of this woman. I have never met her, and DH has not talked to her in over 2 years. She has an aunt who emails DH-I do not trust the woman, but she is always kind to DH and does not fish for information.
Anyway, BM has had a lot to say in the past week or so. But, the thing she is really riled up about is that she feels that DH and I do not consider our home to be the skids' homes. Well, yes, she is right. This is OUR home, not theirs, never has been, never will be.
BM feels the "kids" should be able to have access to our home any time they want, and they should be able to stay overnight, and/or move in.
DH and I discussed the moving in issue before we married. I made it clear I cannot live with his kids, and he agreed. The reasons include:
We have a very small home
2 of the kids refuse to work, and the other one works pt and will not look for ft jobs
They call me a bitch and a whore
They lie about everything-I will never trust them
DH's boys have no driver's licenses or cars, so they need to be taken everywhere
DH's daughter just totaled her car, and needs to be taken everywhere
DH's daughter was at our house last year and I caught her snooping through DH's desk
DH's daughter is currently dating an ex-con, and what he did would was awful
DH's older son is dating a minor, and I will not have her in my home for legal reasons
We could NEVER afford having them here
DH has promised me they will never move in, and I think he will stick to that. Because he works 6 days a week and cannot stand the fact that they play video games and sleep and eat all day. They laugh at him when he tells them they should all be working full time.
I could have added more to that list, but suffice it to say, I want nothing to do with DH's kids. I have tried, and all they did was treat me badly.
BM wants them out of her house (well the house she shares with another aunt, the owner). She raised them to think that they can do what they want. They have no coping skills. DH tried to set boundaries, but wound up giving in, and for that, he gets blame. 2 years ago, he stopped enabling.
Anyone else who has skids who think your house is theirs?
Too funny. Clearly she
I appreciate the fact its a
I appreciate the fact its a pain in the arse that the BM is riding your DH about being an awful dad because he refuses to allow fully grown adults to move into your small house however I would be LAUGHING my socks off at her.
Firstly, be assured that your DH that even if by some miracle DH changed his mind and moved them in behind your back, my advice would be to move them straight back out (including changing the locks and even ringing the police if necessary). Extreme? Maybe, but then everyone will understand you mean business and if it was between my marriage, my home, my sanity and my happiness VS adult skids, then I would hands down choose me everytime.
That said, your DH agrees with you, so no worries.
Your BM is having to deal with the monsters that SHE created and the fall out as a result of their shambles of a life. THAT is the only reason she is berating your DH, because she needs an exit plan for them as dear ole aunt if sick of their money sucking ways too.
Perhaps instead of the energy she is wasting in nagging DH, BM should be serving the idiots eviction notices and informing them they are now responsible for their own lives and finances. My advice to you guys would be to change your number/email and if the skids are passing dad's details onto BM, then inform BM if she continues to contact either of you unnecessarily (given the skids are now adults there is not need for communication to be occurring) then you will contact the police.
No need to make a list. Any
No need to make a list. Any one of them would have been enough for me. :sick:
We're seeing more and more of these sort of kids much to the detriment of the individual kid, family and for that matter our country. Perfectly fine people ruined by their parents who taught them that there are no consequences and everything in life is free.
When the parenets and other enablers die out from under them the kids will wonder what happened, why isn't someone taking care of them?
Thank you everyone for your
Thank you everyone for your replies! I left out an important part. BM gave this message to her aunt, who relayed it to DH. The aunt is pretty rational, and agrees with me, for the most part. However, she feels we should always welcome DH's kids here, no questions asked. She does not think they should move in per se, but she thinks it should be an open invitation. DH told her he does not agree with that, and she did not say anything.
EBU, the aunt does want her house back. Her house is smaller then ours, and I cannot imagine all those people in there. There is no room. And the aunt works a hard job and comes home to 3 young adults lying around. She asked DH's daughter for $20 a week in rent and his daughter refused. I think she is finally making her bring some food in.
Delilah, BM fought DH every step of the way when the kids were growing up. She did not believe in discipline or rules. He tried, and she would mock him. The kids grew up thinking he was their wallet and nothing more. You are correct, BM is reaping the consequences now. And they are not coming here. It is not up for negotiation. I have a feeling that we are going to be getting calls from them soon. DH said that he is not allowing it. He knows I would leave. He has tried helping them get jobs, and has done many things for him. They either laugh at him or mock him. All they want is money.
SA, I don't think it bothers him talking to the aunt, but he made it perfectly clear he is not getting into a conversation with BM ever.
Rh, she really was stunned when he left her. After years of her abuse and gambling, he finally got out. She threw a fit, and told him he could never have a life. I think she is boiling mad now that he is happy. He has changed so much, to the point he finally got his diabetes in control. He looks so much better. She cannot stand that. He was not "supposed" to have a new life.
Orange County, you are so right. It is happening all over, and then the parents wonder why their children cannot cope. DH's daughter freaks out all the time when something does not go her way-she is 23. If something happens to the aunt, they will all have no place to live. Can't pay for a house when you don't work. I don't know what it is going to take for these kinds of parents to wake up. I worked with a young woman last year who could not do anything on her own. Her mommy had gotten her the job. It was scary.
And I find so much irony in
And I find so much irony in the fact that my dad and stepmom have a house and I have never considered that my house. I have a key for emergencies only. I don't show up invited. OTOH, my stepsister is 35, and is constantly over there. She refers to it as her mom's house. She never calls and lets herself in. My dad is retired, so you can imagine this is hard on him. He did say something, and my stepmom did ask her daughter to call first. But, nothing has changed, and my dad just continues to be aggravated. He says that he cannot push the issue, but I disagree. My stepsister is married, her husband makes a great income, yet she is always over there, eating and doing what she wants. My stepmom pays some of her bills. This will never be the case for me, even though DH's kids think like my stepsister.
Be prepared that they may end
Be prepared that they may end up homeless. Especially if something happens to the aunt.
By prepared I mean psychologically that they can literally be on the streets and you will not let them in even for a shower. I've been there with my SS and let him fend for himself. He now has a job and place to live.
If his mother won't let him in her home (which is bigger than mine) then why should I let him in my home? I didn't meet him until he was grown. She "raised" him.
Honestly as pathetic as your skids sound you both should just erase them from your lives. No good will come of having anything to do with them ever.
I feel that way, too-BM
I feel that way, too-BM raised them to be like this. DH should have grown a spine years ago, but he has stepped up, and he was always a good dad to them. What really makes me the most frustrated with him is that I will never understand why he KEPT having kids with her. His daughter was not planned, but he married BM, feeling that he should do the right thing. Then, he had 2 more.
I am glad your SS has a job and his own place. You did the right thing. And he is not your problem.
I am definitely concerned they will become homeless. I have told DH that. He tends to be more positive than me, but I think he feels the same way. They are not coming here at all. I can't do it. If you saw how small my house is, you would see why, and more importantly, all three of them ARE pathetic. They show no signs of wanting to do anything productive. I have worked with kids/teens with all kinds of issues, but rarely, have I ever seen anything like this. And these are young adults.
I lost my job in July, and I am struggling to find a new one. I am super stressed, and I spend hours looking for jobs, sending resumes. DH's kids think it is funny they don't work. One of them has turned down 2 jobs because he wants certain pay and hours that will never happen. He has no experience, and barely graduated high school.
My brother has been addicted to drugs for 15 years, and that has caused irreparable pain and damage. I am barely speaking to my mom because of him, and my dad finally did tough love. It broke his heart. If DH's kids wind up on the streets, he is going to be a mess, because he still has hope. And my MIL fuels it by saying that they WILL wake up some day. She thinks we should let them come here, and support them. Maybe I will send them her way...