Going to court next week. Bio mom is in jail, fiance wants custody.
Hey everyone! I'm new to the site, and am really hoping to get some good advice.
My fiance has an 11 y/o son who has been living with his drug addict mother for his entire life. She has been in and out of rehab for years, but the court still refused to give custody to fiance.
This month, SS and his half-sister were removed from mother's home (2nd time in 2 years) for child abuse/neglect. The mother was shooting up god knows what, then shooting water into her daughter's mouth from the dirty needle. (Mother allegedly has Hepatitis C.) DSS has finally wised up and decided that the children should not be with their mother. There has been documented evidence of physical and sexual abuse for years. The kids are currently in foster care. Fiance has been a wreck about this. He hasn't seen his son in 2 years b/c of the mother.
Luckily for my fiance, my best friend and I are both paralegals (she's in family law), so we've thrown our job titles around enough the past couple of weeks to get copies of the pleadings, info on the case (as much as they could legally disclose), etc. Within 24 hours of requesting that his mother be evaluated for temp custody of his son, a caseworker met with her and approved it until DSS can evaluate us and our home. We thought the fact that we live in another state, 6 hours away, would be an issue, but evidently, she's giving her recommendation to the DSS attorney and we'll find out more (I'm assuming/hoping) on Tuesday at the hearing.
Fiance is excited, but is scared to get his hopes up. The last time I saw his son was when he was 5 or 6 years old, and I totally fell in love w/the kid. I know he's been through hell and it's up to us to save him and give him as normal a life as possible. And, I'm 100% supportive of fiance's efforts. I really want SS to have a good life, and I love watching fiance in "daddy mode". However, I have my concerns, which I've voiced to fiance. He's very understanding. I'm 12 weeks pregnant w/our first child. I'm worried about SS's jealousy of the baby, him resenting me b/c I'm not his mom, him causing a lot of problems and acting out, and how do we help him cope with all the crazy s$it he's been through?
I need help....I have no clue what to expect.
Just took the words out of my
Just took the words out of my mouth!!!!
Thank you for your advice. I
Thank you for your advice. I remember he was always a really quiet kid, and DH told me that even at 10 years old, he still had imaginary friends. His mom would do her drugs in the trailer and let him play by himself right by the highway. I'm definitely scared of the jealousy and how he will be with the baby. He was very close with his half-sister, who is 6 y/o, and who knows if he'll ever see her again once he's living with us.
I was having enough worry trying to adjust to being a first-time mom, let alone trying to adjust to being stepmom to a troubled 11 y/o! DH knows we have a hard road ahead of us, and he's definitely not going to be a Disney dad. I am going to research counselors in our area and maybe DH and I can start talking to one before he gets here, so we can have a gameplan.
A family we knew had two
A family we knew had two sisters as foster kids and they were the SWEETEST girls you can imagine. They came from a similar situation. All you can really do is love him and let him know how much he is loved. Be real with him and have constant dialogue about anything and everything. He may be distant at first until he learns to trust you. I have an 11 yr old boy. They are still pretty silly/goofy at that age so you can be silly with him. My son loves jokes. He's pretty funny. Maybe you can have a "joke of the day" tradition. Get him a joke book and let him pick out the jokes. Kids LOVE seeing that they have a positive influence on people. Good luck!
Definitely start looking NOW
Definitely start looking NOW for a good therapist in your area who has experience with step children and abused children. That child is going to need counseling.
Good luck
Good luck
You will have to go through
You will have to go through ICPC - the Interstate Compact on the Placement of Children. Expect this to take some time as it is a very long, beaureacratic procedure. Your home will be visited and a home study done before the home can be approved for placement of children from another state.
Definitely get yourself and hubby into counseling, and agree to drug testing or substance abuse assessment if it is suggested. Find a therapist for your step(s) now, rather than waiting on DSS in your state to do so, if possible.
GO TO COURT DATES on this case, and notify the juvenile officer in the county where the kids are under the court's jurisdiction of your address and the kids' dad's wish to participate.
Hey everyone! Thanks so much
Hey everyone! Thanks so much for your advice.
Here is an update:
We went to court Tuesday, and pretty much the DSS attorney decided that SS would live with MIL until ICPC could approve us. We picked him up from the DSS office that day, and he was a little standoffish at first, then was ecstatic to see his dad and grandma. DH told him that he had met me before, and I told him it was a long, long time ago. He said he doesn't remember, but kept looking at me like maybe he was starting to. The three of us went grocery shopping (DH and SS rode in our car, I rode with MIL), and SS was as happy as could be. He even told DH that this was a "father son reunion" and a "reunion is when a family comes back together".
While they had father/son time, DH explained to SS that we are getting married and that I am pregnant. We were scared SS would be upset, but DH said he was really excited to hear that he is going to have a little brother or sister. When DH was talking to a female friend, SS told him that he already has a fiance, and asked if I knew that he talked to the girl. lol He's given me hugs, noogies, a silly nickname, and said I could be part of the "Fart Police" (evidently, they started this when he was 4 or 5 years old). DH is pleasantly surprised that SS is taking to me so well. I know it probably won't always like this, but I can't help but wonder if he's looking at me as an opportunity to have a real mom, not one that shoots up and has 30 different boyfriends and locks him in his room with a soda bottle to pee in (yes, she actually did this).
SS is excited about moving in with us and hasn't given MIL and her husband any trouble so far. Everything is going a lot better than we expected. He has been in counseling and at the sexual assault/rape crisis center. Turns out that not only was he sexually abused by his uncle, but by his grandfather -- who has had legal custody of him for the past 2 years! MIL finally got a letter from DSS on Friday stating that she has temporary custody, but he is still considered to be in foster care until ICPC does their evaluation.
There is another Merits Hearing on January 8, which we will definitely be attending. The bio mom has court for a forgery charge and for child abuse/neglect this Friday, and the GAL has already stated that she doesn't want this girl to see the light of day again. We seem to have a good support system, but not counting our chickens before they're hatched, so to speak.
DH is relieved and so happy that SS is with MIL, but can't shake the immense guilt for not being able to protect SS from all of the abuse. The more that we learn, the more heartwrenching and sickening it is. We call SS every night to check in and to let him know that we're just a phone call away. We did find a local counselor who specializes in child abuse/neglect, and we both agreed to be as involved as possible. We're also looking into recreational activities for SS so he can meet kids and spend less time on the computer.
He is 11 y/o and in the 5th grade, making all D's. MIL is meeting w/his teachers and counselors to get all of his lesson plans and will be working with him at home, which SS is super excited about. I just can't understand how a mother could let such horrible things happen to her children. I have even had nightmares about what these kids must have gone through. He is a sweet, goofy kid, who is too perceptive for his own good (just like DH). He actually started the DSS investigation by telling his counselor that his mom was living with them when she was court ordered not to, then everything else unraveled from there. We are going to go home for Christmas, and this will be DH and SS's first Christmas together.
We got a report from the GAL,
We got a report from the GAL, and it turns out that, while in the legal custody of his pedophile grandfather, has been going to school with his 5 year old sister's panties saying he "did" her; asking people to have sex with him; humping girls in the hallway; attempting to drink another boy's urine in the bathroom; exposing himself to a male student; and punching a Pre-K student in the stomach. I know these issues stem from the sexual abuse, and we don't know yet exactly what all has happened to SS. Reading this stuff really freaks me out. I've never dealt with a child with these kinds of issues before.