Should I have my future husband's SK at our wedding?
This is my first time posting so I apologize if I don't use all the correct abrevations. My future husband and I are getting married in about a month and I have reservations about inviting his children. He and I have been together for 6 years now and his kids have been nothing but disrespectful and mean to me most of this time. Just recently his oldest daughter (18) has tried to have a relationship with me which is great. But his other 2 (daughter 16, son, 13) have still continued their evil ways. They actually are rude to both of us. Only calling or showing up when they want money or something. Anyways, to avoid hurt feelings I was not going to invite any of them since the day is just about US. But my future in-laws are very upset that the kids are not invited and my soon to be brother in law is so mad he is threatening to more or less "shun" us from the family for not including the kids. Am I wrong here, I thought this day was supposed to be about us? Not the kids. I feel as though, if the younger two children had tried to have a relationship with me (like I had always wanted) then this would not even be an issue. But I am sorry I don't want my wedding day to be ruined by his 16 year old daughters drama or her multiple facial piercings. The kids are not happy that they are not invited, however, they never care about coming over anymore or spending time with us, so why care all of the sudden now? Could any of you give me some advice or feedback? I don't want to create problems in the family I am marrying into but I am also spending our savings to have a nice wedding and a good day to remember. Just a side note we are having the receiption at a later date and step kids WILL be invited to that. There will only be 10 of us at the actual wedding which includes me and my soon to be hubby.
Thanks
Elope - you and hubby go off,
Elope - you and hubby go off, have your own personal little wedding, just the two of you.
Come back - have the 'show' wedding for the others - invite the skids - it won't matter if they ruin it because you had your special event.
We didn't invite the SK's to
We didn't invite the SK's to our wedding. We had a small wedding as well ( including us and our 2 witnesses and their two children and my son). My son came because his Dad lives across the country and we didn't have alternative care (he was only 6 at the time). We invited our parents and our siblings. My husband's kids (5 and 8 at the time)are a product of their mother and show very little discipline and respect. They still do. Fortunately, my husbands family are well aware of their behavior and have experienced it first hand, so it was not a surprise to them that they were not there. When it was brought up by my now sister in law why they were not coming I invited her to care for them and ensure they didn't cause any disruptions during the ceremony as their father would be occupied at the time. She quickly changed her tune and fun was had by all.
Thank you all for your quick
Thank you all for your quick responses! I do not have any children of my own, and I have NEVER been married before. I know this may sound wrong but I only intend on getting married once and I don't want disrepectful SK's to ruin our day. I wish we could have went and eloped and originally that was the plan but you know, life gets in the way with other things that cost money such as fixing cars and such. His family knows they have some respect and behavioral issues but of course they put on a good show infront of them. So then we or I look like the bad guy. My future brother in law even offered to pay for the kids to be there (where we are having wedding it is $10 extra dollars per person over 10 people). I assured him it wasn't a money issue. I just want a special day to remember, you only get one shot at this and I don't want to look back with regret and resentment towards them incase they would ruin our day. I think my soon to be husband feels sort of torn. He understands where I am coming from totally but I think he is scared of upsetting his family or the kids. The sad thing is, I think the kids are just doing it for attention and that they don't really care. They are great at getting attention!
Nope! Have your wedding with
Nope! Have your wedding with people who will support you and treat you with respect.
We had two people at our
We had two people at our wedding - me and DH. A clerk at the court house officiated. The state we were married in did not require witnesses. Our parents were deceased.
FDH and I aren't married yet
FDH and I aren't married yet bc I don't want skids there to start drama and ruin the day, I told him I don't want them there and he does :?
If his kids were nice I would have no problem with it but they don't like me and have said some awful things and made up malicious lies- Why would they want to be apart of MY special day with their dad- they don't want me with their dad so why should they be invited to celebrate a life long commitment to eachother?????
Thank you so much for all the
Thank you so much for all the feedback. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't being out of line or missing something everyone else was seeing. goingcrazy.com you are totally right, why should they be invited to celebrate with us if they don't even like me? I think the oldest one does but definately not the younger two. I hate to say it but this exact problem was one the reasons we dragged our feet for so long. But once we realized that things would never change with them we decided to stop putting our lives on hold just to please them. Trust me we have had countless talks and times spent together but nothing ever changes. Thank you all for not making me feel like I was crazy or the evil step mother!
I used to think a wedding was
I used to think a wedding was about a bride and groom, but then (after my second marriage) it hit. Marriage is about blending two families into one. You are, in a sense, marrying your FDH's family. You can choose to accept them for what they are, or be miserable trying to control everything...I'm a little miserable. Either way, they will be around!
If your FDH is on board, don't invite the SK's! Why would you make that day more stressful by having people there that don't like you? BUT, be ready to hear about it for the rest of your relationship with your FDH.
Could you compromise and invite them to the reception only? Or have them go, but get groomsmen prepared to walk them out to BM or grandparents?
They are invited to the
They are invited to the reception just not the wedding. His family are the ones making the big deal about it. And we are not having any wedding party. Just us, a preacher, our mothers and 3 or 4 of our closest friends. So if they were to get unruly we would have to stop the wedding entirely and tend to there needs. I could totally see SD16 starting something. She always does every holiday, either someone or something is upseting her everytime I see her. I just can't take any more stress on that day.
Yes!! OP, please read
Yes!! OP, please read StepAside's blog on Relational Aggression. Whatever decision you make, just the fact that you're dealing with two female skids (and their BM?), it is an important, helpful read. I have personally referred back to it on several occasions when I've been targeted by my SD and BM. It applies in a lot of different situations, not just with regard to skids. Well informed, well prepared.
Btw, you're lucky you found this site so early in your relationship. I suffered for many years, thinking I was crazy, totally alone, the creator of my own misery, and that there must be something wrong with me. There are a lot of big milestones in my life (and the lives of my DH and our bios) that have been overshadowed, and sometimes flat destroyed, by the hate and jealousy BM and SD have directed towards us. Our reputations have been tainted by their lies and false allegations (we live within a few miles of each other), and my DD12 has been harassed by one of BM's other daughter's (to the point where we had to change my DD's school district).
This is a site that has helped me with the healing process quite a bit, and empowered me to make the decision to never engage with them again, and I feel pretty good about that decision, without a ton of guilt. If I can make any suggestion about your wedding, it would be to have the wedding YOU want. It's a day for you and your FDH. Why would you be expected to invite someone that doesn't like or isn't friendly to you? Yes, family is family and everyone has some weirdness in their genetic pool, but that shouldn't be visited on you during one of your biggest milestones. Just like I wouldn't force myself into my SD's graduation or wedding day. It may sting and I might feel slighted if I weren't invited (because I've had a big hand in raising her since age 2, FFS), but I can't say I would want to go (at least the way things sit now), and it's ultimately her decision.
Consider telling the future
Consider telling the future in-laws this....
I know full well his children do not like me and the fact we are getting married must be very upsetting for them. In fact they have done nothing but make crappy remarks and be rude to their father since this was all planned. So instead of making them suffer and feel miserable we will quietly get married and if they choose to come they can join us all at the reception.
Now I know they pretend to be nice around you guys. But the things athat fly out of them the minute we are alone is quite concerning and I can only assume their fathers happiness doesn't even register. Which in itself is quite sad because he is a terrific father and loves his children to bits.
So to be fair all around, they are excluded. They won't be forced to attend an event they do not want to attend. I think that would be the easiest thing for them... not being forced to attend which is what everyone else wants. I only hope tyhey can see the hurt they cause their father..SIGH!
"I used to think a wedding
"I used to think a wedding was about a bride and groom, but then (after my second marriage) it hit. Marriage is about blending two families into one. You are, in a sense, marrying your FDH's family." Queeny
I've gone the exact opposite direction. In my twenties I thought it was all about the blending of families and friends. The wedding was to make this commitment with all of your nearest and dearest.
Sometime by about 40 I realized that the marriage vows are between TWO people. Everything else is just background noise. I was maid of honor in several weddings where I almost felt like an intruder because it hit me that I was irrelevant - the two making the vows were the only people who counted.
I'm now in my late 60s and truly believe that the bride and groom should be looking each other in the eye and making vows to each other. And truly concentrating on that - not who is watching, who is gossiping, etc. And certainly not worrying about who there doesn't approve or who is going to cause a scene.
Have a big party with lots of people if that's what you want - but make sure those vows are intimate and meaningful between you and your spouse whatever that takes.
^^^^^ Agreed. And that is
^^^^^ Agreed.
And that is coming from a SM that made vows to both my DH and SD during the ceremony.
However, I have realized over time that my relationship with DH is my own. SD doesn't get to dictate any area of our marriage. She has a relationship with us jointly and severally that waxes and wanes depending on whether or not she wants one at the time. She is a concern of ours, as a couple (as well as individually from the position of a father and SM), but does not affect the security or sincerity of our union at any time.
I have to comment on the post by sue2....there is a pretty big difference between a photographer being caught in traffic kind of hiccup, and an angry, sullen teen drama kind of problem at a wedding. Most brides understand that a celebration entailing a lot of minute details has plenty of opportunity for snags. But having guests in attendance that are vocal about their displeasure with regard to the marriage itself, is a near guarantee. A lot of it has to do with intent. A photographer making a living shooting weddings is unlikely to get stuck in traffic intentionally. An unhappy skid that has strong feelings of discontentment with their father's remarriage can do far more damage to the harmonious atmosphere of the nuptials, simply by bringing a bad attitude with them. Coupled with the feeling of discomfort that the bride may have around this guest, the dynamic will surely leave it's mark on the day. Also, a late photographer may be a mere afterthought fairly quickly after tying the knot. A skid (or any guest) acting out and redirecting the focus onto themselves, will not soon be forgotten, if ever. Not trying to be argumentative. It's just not the same thing.
I appreciate all your input
I appreciate all your input and my DH and I are still talking it over. To StepAside, my BIL is not the only one that is upset about the kids not being there, his wife is too. My soon to be mother in law understands why we are not wanting to invite them but I think she is trying to remain neutral to keep the peace between her two sons. I know that my in laws are watching me, but they have known me for six years and know that the relationship that my skids have with me is not a great one. The problem is they try to minimize everything these kids do that are bad.
To oneoffour, I have told my future in-laws pretty much the same thing you have worded about the kids behaviour and how its not the same in front of everyone. Thank you for the advice, I may try telling them all this again. But like I said before they still believe regardless of how much these children dislike me or our situation that they should be there since they are his kids.
To sueu2, No I haven't told everyone of here everything about my relationship with these kids because I could go on for days with the different things I have tried to do to form a bond with them. I am pretty sure they know that their father is not getting back together with their mother, ever. But I have NEVER done anything to these kids to make them not like me. Infact, I had always taken the "try to be there friend" approach over the parent approach because when I tried the parent thing they didn't like that either. So I am pretty much damned if I do, damned if I don't with them.
I have come to terms that no matter what we decide someone will get hurt. If I give in and invite them, the in-laws and kids may be happy but I will be worried all day that something will happen and my day will be ruined. And to sueu2, the photographer is different then my skids trying to ruin our day. People can say that my BIL or MIL wouldn't let that happen but unless you deal with teenage skids that will do anything for revenge you have no idea. We have sat them down and tried to talk to them about what their problem is with me, but they never answer just sit their quietly and pretend like nothing is wrong. Well I am so tired of trying with them. My solution after going through this for six years is to just sit back and let them come to me when they are ready and if they never reach that point, it's their loss not mine.
I just wanted feedback about what other peoples experiences have been. I am still having a lot of difficulty in deciding this but I am leaning more towards making the day about us.
Based off conversations I have had with my future inlaws they even want to make the day more about the kids then us! Saying that if the kids were there they should be in the wedding and standing up front with us. Also saying that if they kids aren't allowed at the wedding then they probably won't be coming to reception. I am sorry but that all seems very childish to me. None of them are paying for any of this plus I never tell them how to run their lives but I am expected to listen to them and have them run mine? If they truely loved my soon to be husband and me and respected us, they would let us make the decision and not hold it against us all of our lives. It's just very sad and I am so torn over what to do. I know I can't spend my life making everyone happy but its hard when a family you thought loved and cared about you really only cares about the kids and not you as an individual.
In my experience, having the
In my experience, having the skid front and center with us, and including her in our vows, has made for very good manipulation fodder for my SD. When DH and I were married, SD was four years old. Now that she is a PAS'd out teen, there has been more than one occasion where she has tried to exercise control over us as a couple by insinuating that she is a factor in our decision making as a couple. For instance, when we decided to have DD2, she did not "approve". And the end result is that I actually did feel guilty for proceeding with my life without her blessing. I know that sounds crazy. But she did have an argument that got to me. That if DH and I did something SD didn't like or want, then our vows to her were completely negated, and we had "broken" them with regard to her.
I saw including her in our vows as a way to further bond us and make her feel special and included, not to insinuate that she gets a vote in how we conduct our lives, or that she deserves to have input in when/if we create more children, move, buy a new home, go on vacation, etc. It sucks because I was incredibly sincere when I promised to always love SD and treat her as my own. And I have upheld those promises as best I can given the circumstances with her and BM. SD has retained her own free will through it all, yet they have attempted to control me through guilt, and no one else has any culpability in the problems that have sprouted in the last thirteen years since we married. I made it very easy for all blame and anger to be transferred to me, because I opened myself up to it by giving her my heart. I would do A LOT of things differently, if I could. I'm just trying to provide a perspective of total skid inclusion, not to sway any decisions, but to cite another example of how, like you said, SM's decision is likely going to be the wrong one, no matter what. If someone wants to make you a scapegoat, there's not a whole lot you can do, other than just pursue your own happiness with your husband.
NO children under age 18,
NO children under age 18, which conveniently allows the one girl if you wish.
Eloping is a good idea. Tell everyone that they're invited to join you two in Tahati - at their own expense of course. Now everyone in the world is invited but few if any will actually show.
OK if you include them then
OK if you include them then do so with eyes wide open. We eloped and had the bigger family and friend party later. Worked a treat except that I knew that i had to placate SD at the bigger party by letting her be a star and sing a song and get a new dress blah blah blah. Worked a treat as she had no interest really in our wedding or her dad's happiness. In the end I resented her starring role in the party and the drama a little bit but it was probably worth diverting her and giving her something to focus positive rather than negative energy on.
Personally I wouldn't feel
Personally I wouldn't feel ready to get married until i could confidently share the day with DHs kids. DH had planned on eloping just cause to me weddings seem like more money and work then they are worth. While discussing this i asked SD15 an SS16 if they cared if we went ahead with eloping and to my surprise they were quite upset about not being there for their fathers wedding SD wanted to help plan and shop of coarse and SD hinted he should be his fathers best man. DH and i haven't tied the knot yet but without the skids consent i personally wouldn't go threw with it.
I realise Im somewhat lucky when it comes to my skids, we've had our share of hard times and still do. But there aren't too many circumstances in which i would ban them from their fathers wedding, especially knowing it does mean something to them.
Maybe your completely justified in your case not to want them there but i also hope you've made every effort to make it possible for your entire family to enjoy the day before coming to the decision to exclude them.