Step Daughter 19 having baby before me!

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Hi Everyone,
I really need some advice from you guys on this one. My DH and I were married last December but have been together a total for 8 years. We have wanted children for quite some time now (I have none, he has 3, SD19, SD17 & SS14) but we wanted to wait until we were married and better off financially. He is currently paying child support on the younger 2. We were hoping to start trying her in the next few months but we were through for a loop about a month ago when SD19 told us she was pregnant. Thankfully she did finish high school but now I am worried she is going to manipulate DH to let her and baby move in with us. They day after she graduated she left her mothers and moved in with baby daddy. Then after knowing him a month she got pregnant. They both live with his parents, this guy is a dead beat. He loves to play video games all day and had no job up until the time he learned she was pregnant. She did have a job but had to quite because of the physical demands (doctors orders) so now she just stays home with his parents all day (they are retired). Oh and by the way the guy is 27! His parents want them both out before they baby gets here.

DH has already told her that we cannot let her move in with us or help support them. He did say if it was just her and baby and she had a job she could move in with us. I know this sounds selfish but I really don't think that's fair to me. We have put our lives with trying to have kids on hold until we could afford them and let his kids grow up some. DH has reassured me he isn't going to let that happen and that he still wants us to move on with our lives but I am still uncertain if he will really stick to his guns. She always comes running to him when she wants or needs something and sometimes he is a sucker for it.

We have already tried to talk her and boyfriend to consider giving up baby for adoption since neither one is mature or financially stable to support a child. They will not do it and insist they can do it on their own. They think with his gas station job they can afford to live on their own. More power to them but I really doubt it.

I have never had a good relationship with my SKIDS because they think they only way we can have a relationship is if I buy them stuff. Not going to happen. DH tried to crack down on them about the way they treat me but it doesn't seem to help.

I am also upset about the fact that at 39 for DH and 30 for me we are going to be grandparents! He says he isn't excited about it either but he will be at the hospital when it's born. He also expects me to be there. I have a demanding job and during her due date there will be no one at work to do my job for me so that will be hard. Plus I don't agree with it so how can I be excited?

I am definitely not looking forward to Thanksgiving or Christmas either. All the buzz will be about SD19 having a little girl. Then DH's family will look at me and say "When are you guys going to have kids?" I may just go through the roof if they ask me that again especially under these conditions.

So any advice you guys could give me would be appreciated! By the way I am not jealous of her. I would have never wanted a child @ 19 with a guy I had only known for a month. I was too busy in college and not finically ready. I am just sad that my DH will possibly have a grandchild and child near the same age, how sad is that?

Thanks for listening and I can't wait to read your advice!

Thank you so much for your

Thank you so much for your advice on me having my own child. Of course I am just sick over the whole situation but it's hard I think for people to understand that I have put my life on hold until we could have a family of our own. And now I feel like this whole situation is possibly ruining our chances of that happening. Thanks so much for understanding that. I am so sorry you were not able to have the children you desired. I have PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovary Syndrome) so I have already been told I may not be able to have children either. At least naturally, I may have to take medicine or do IVF. So this could be a long process and I really don't want to wait any longer. This whole thing just kind of threw a wrench into my plans. She is due April 4th and now I feel like if I get pregnant somehow before then that she will get pissed and say I am stealing her thunder or something. That's just the type of person she is.

I just hope my husband sticks to his guns on this whole thing. I will be devastated if I get pregnant and he lets her move in and helps her when his own wife is in need of his support and finances to make our baby happen. I know this may sound selfish but it's true. I am tired of waiting for everyone else. I want my baby!

Thanks for your advice, I really appreciate it!

You are so kind. I feel

You are so kind. I feel really bad that you were not able to have kids and that it has changed you. I do regret some of the things or opportunities I did not take in my life. I know it probably sounds bad but even with how negative and mean my SKIDS treat me it has changed me too. It has made me become somewhat of a negative and resentful person. I guess it is all the more reason I want to get pregnant and carry on with our plans just to show her that she is not in control of our lives or our decisions. Her mistake is not going to change how we want to live our lives.

Thanks so much for everything and if you ever need someone to talk to please message me I would love to hear more from you. You have really inspired me to want to move forward with our plans make our lives what we wanted them to be! Thanks again!

Terrikitty, On my first and

Terrikitty,

On my first and only thread you also made a huge impact on me. You sound like a wonderful woman and try not to worry too much. I am sure your life is full of wonderful things.

I do believe her going on

I do believe her going on welfare will be exactly what happens. Her mother (DH's ex wife) is already on it and receiving his child support money. I have a feeling SD and dead beat boyfriend will move in with SD's mother. And I am sure her mother will show her how to work the system like she does.

I probably will make a brief appearance maybe after work or I may send a gift but I can't stand her mother so I doubt I will be able to spend much time up there.

I told my husband exactly this- if she wants to play house and have a baby then she better grow up and start acting like an adult.

Thanks for your advice!

LOL I should say that just to

LOL I should say that just to see the look on everyone's faces. I have a tendency to just say things and forget to filter it first in situations like these so something like this very well could come out.

Thanks for the advice!

I did tell him that if they

I did tell him that if they move in or he goes back on his word this is a deal breaker for me. I have worked too hard at this point to have her come in and mess everything up. Why should I have to pay for her mistake?

I will probably just send a gift or make a brief appearance after work. I am defiantly not waiting around all day for her to have baby and spending time too with my DH's ex. I can't stand that woman and I am sure she will be there too.

I know it sounds harsh but I don't see myself falling in love with grandchild. My DH is more easily side swept in these situations then me. I tend to remember my feelings (anger, resentment, etc.) and I tend to hold grudges. Down the road once she actually laces up her boots and acts like an adult maybe I can have a relationship with SD and grandchild but it defiantly will not be one where I give her $ or babysit. She is an adult so it's time to grow up, she's a mom now.

Thanks for your advice!

He and I both have discussed

He and I both have discussed it with her and she along with dead beat boyfriend will absolutely not do it. I tried to explain how many families who cannot have children would love to have one and more importantly they could give the child the things that she and boyfriend could not. They still refuse and say they can do it and will NEVER consider adoption. Makes me sad, if this had happened a few years down the road maybe they could do it, but not with the way things are right now.

Thanks for your advice!

I say you move forward with

I say you move forward with your plans like nothing has changed. because for you it hasnt. She is 19- she is fully capable of raising a child- it should not include you and DH. While I 100% agree with you about adoption, she is capable. DH had SS at 16, SD at 18, and was on his one in a home he owned by 20. It is possible.

Agreed totally with the welfare stuff. There is SNAP., WIC , and TANF (housing) all for people in her situation. Use it. And for when the family asks you--- simply say, "Well, DH and I are trying right now!" Totally will take the negative attention off you, and not make it a ooey gooey show about a 19 year old having a child.

Thanks so much for the

Thanks so much for the advice. She and her boyfriend probably are capable if they both decide to grow up. I really hope for the child's sake that they do. I don't want to change our plans and I am going to talk to my DH one more time about it and make my deal breakers once again crystal clear.

I know she can get help if she needs it and more then likely they probably will. I love your idea, I will tell them "We are trying right now" and see the look on all their faces. In a way I can't wait to get pregnant and tell everyone so she doesn't get the satisfaction of knowing she changed or altered our plans to her liking.

Thanks again for all the advice!

I'll start by saying I do not

I'll start by saying I do not have any problem with welfare being used for those that need it. I feel a 19 year old unmarried mother is a prime candidate, and she should be encouraged to take advantage of any housing and food programs she is eligible for. That's why they exist.

However, if I were you and your husband offered to let her move in, I would tell him you will walk. I get his kids "got there first", but you are his wife and having essentially a teen mom and baby move into your space is *beyond* unfair. I think you are well within your rights on that.

Sounds harsh, but sex is for big people...and if you get knocked up in the process, ya gotta face the music and handle the big person repercussions. My SKs mother had her first kid (an older sibling) at 18, and then the second at 22, then another...by different men and unmarried. It's safe to say they don't have the best example, and if they don't see her fucked up life as the ultimate cautionary tale and get someone pregnant young, there will be no one in this house bailing them out.

I totally agree with

I totally agree with everything you are saying. She chose to do a big girl thing, now she must face the consequences and become an adult. I told my husband I was against her moving in especially since we will be trying to have a family of our own here soon. It's not like she was 15 getting knocked up she is 19 and a high school graduate, she should be able to fend for herself. And if she and dead beat boyfriend are too lazy to go get a job that is their problem not DH's and I.

Pregnant SD's mother has a total of 5 kids by 3 different men (DH had the first 3) and BM is constantly having boyfriends and ex husbands in and out of their lives growing up so yeah she has had a great example too. I totally get where you are coming from on that one.

Thanks for your advice!

Hi there, this is happening

Hi there, this is happening to me also! Only I am 42 and my DH has made it clear that he does not want more kids. I was not really sure that I did want them but now that my SD20 is pregnant (also due in April) I am feeling all the feelings that you described to a 'T' Your husband sounds a lot nicer than mine though and more functional. Mine has made it clear that he does not want to have the baby and daughter move in but now he has been hinting around that he is responsible for his daughter AND his new granddaughter. I suggest that you definitely start trying to get pregnant sooner than later if you really do want a baby because I wanted to long and like the others posted above the resentment will hurt your marriage and then it may be too late. And make sure that you do not open that door, not even a little bit and stick to your guns and boundaries because in my experience the more I gave, the more they took.
Feel free to private message me also. I am not sure I can be that much support because I am also going through the exact same thing but we can at least comiserate and not feel so alone! Thank you for sharing your story!

I hate to wish this situation

I hate to wish this situation upon anyone else but I am relieved to hear I am not the only struggling with something like this. I am sorry to hear that your husband doesn't want anymore kids and you do, that is a sad situation. I will definitely message you so we can talk more. I did make it clear to my husband before we were married that while I realize he had 3 children already that I wanted my turn to have a child since I have none. He agreed that he would like to have one more and his words "Raise it right" since BM had a huge hand in turning the SKIDS into what they are becoming since she has custody and they listen to her more because at her house they have no rules. So I did luck out in finding a good man that wanting more children or at least one more. I am sure it is tough and heart breaking to want a child and your husband doesn't I am so sorry about that.

My goal is begin trying very soon to get pregnant and go on with our lives as we had planned just like all these wonderful people have given me advice to. I guess I just wanted some affirmation that I wasn't crazy or being cold hearted. I do actually care to a point what happens to my SKIDS but I also feel I didn't help make that baby so why should we be the ones getting stuck helping take care of it and raise it? My husband has paid his child support all these years and helping make sure the SKIDS had what they needed so now its SD's turn to do the same for her soon to be child.

Thanks so much for your advice and confirming that me sticking to my guns and not letting SD and baby move in is the right decision. Especially when I have waited years for DH and I to be able to start our lives and family only to have it be put in hold because of her crisis.

I will send you a message so we can chat more I would love to hear more from you!

Please, continue your plans

Please, continue your plans to have a kid. I think woman have a little more control than men in that aspect ;). But talk to him and please continue on the path you want to live. It is not fair to yourself if you dont.

Thanks, I did talk with my DH

Thanks, I did talk with my DH and he has agreed that we need to just stick with our original plan, let her figure things out for herself since she is an adult now. Thank God he is not going to let her move in too. For me that would have been the stray that broke the camels back. We are going to continue on with our baby plans and let her continue doing whatever it is she is trying to accomplish. Thanks again!

Thanks for the advice. The

Thanks for the advice. The good news is I thought he had told her but I guess he hadn't yet. So he told me that no, he isn't going to let her move in with us. She is going to have to grow up and raise this baby on her own with brainless bf. Thankfully my DH wants us to continue on with our plans and let SD19 have her baby and do her own thing. I do think he will follow through on it but only time can tell. I have made it pretty clear to him that the well being of our relationship depends on it. Mainly, because I haven't waited all this time to not have a child of my own so I can help raise hers! absolutely not! And I think he now gets that.

Thanks for listening!

What a great idea I read

What a great idea I read above - adopt the baby and kill two birds with one stone. Utterly fantastic. That would make grandpa the daddy too.

Thanks for the advice. But I

Thanks for the advice. But I am glad you see it the way you do. There is no way we would ever do that. Unless something terrible happened otherwise it's sink or swim kid. You chose to get knocked up and now you must chose to become an adult. DH and I talked about it. We will be moving on with our plans and she will just have to saddle up and get used to being a Mom. I didn't put my life on hold for 7 years to help get these kids grown up just to be pushed to the back so they can have things their way. Thanks for listening!

Sorry to be so frank about

Sorry to be so frank about this but there is no way in hell I would ever do that. I am sorry, I didn't help have fun making the child so there is no way DH or I would ever do that. Unless God forbid something tragic happened to mother then it's a possibility but its the only way. But thanks for input.

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Step Daughter 19 having baby before me!