Is this normal??
Ok new to this site and have scoured the Internet & am a gamut of emotions.
My situation:
Dating bf for almost 2 years. Just moved in...
He has two girls 9 and soon to be 11 (who's starting to develop)
His daughters, especially the oldest one are very affectionate....
She is always sitting on his lap, legs, fingers intertwined in public and at home, stroking his face his arm his legs ...kissing his hands arm mouth what have you
Other one not quite as much but damn close. Every night that he has them which is half time they go to bed cuddling/spooning every night...
I do not find this normal acceptable behavior.... I feel that him spooning in boxers up against his daughters is wrong and creepy and don't think he should have hisngenital area up against them. Yes they may talk or whatever. Then he usually falls asleep with them in our bed then he will carry them (yes I said 9 & 11 years old...not 3 & 5) in to their beds when he's ready to go to bed or if I say something because I'd like to go to bed. His usual excuse for any and everything is well I was the same way.....
I guess I feel that spooning is an intimate SEXUAL thing and come 10-11 years old you shouldn't be sitting on daddies lap all the time or crying when you can't. Or whining if they only get a "quick" cuddle at bed time
I don't think this is jealousy... And trust me I've stewed over this one as he rarely spoons me unless after intimacy. I just find it down right wrong. I am struggling with this and I don't want this to be a reason for us to end our relationship but I just find it so wrong and disturbing.
We have sex in that bed for gosh sakes... We have extra rooms with extra beds in them and I've gone as far as asking if he'd consider "cuddling" with them in another bedroom as well.....this is OUR room now. Answer was no of course.
Sorry to ramble I guess I just want to know if m the only one that thinks this way .......
Sleepless in BC
A little weird, but probably
A little weird, but probably not weird to them. My SD15 sits on her dads lap, lays with him on the couch, cuddles in bed and watches TV, etc. Of course, my husband still huggs and kisses his 22 sonon the head like he's a little one. To my husband they are his babies and they're nothing sexual about any of it. I probably would make my bed off limits and they are too old to lay down with, but it's probably something he's always done.
A little weird, but probably
A little weird, but probably not weird to them. My SD15 sits on her dads lap, lays with him on the couch, cuddles in bed and watches TV, etc. Of course, my husband still huggs and kisses his 22 sonon the head like he's a little one. To my husband they are his babies and they're nothing sexual about any of it. I probably would make my bed off limits and they are too old to lay down with, but it's probably something he's always done.
^^^ YES! Absolutely, YES!
^^^ YES! Absolutely, YES! And, if he does not think anything is wrong with it after doing this, tell him, if he is going to continue to do so you do not feel comfortable living with him because if it were to ever be brought up to authorities it would be punished as sexual abuse whether that is what it means to him or not and that would include you being punished if you lived there. Hugs, snuggling, and touching his arm is normal but also something that he should draw very clear lines about. The rest is not. I would move back out because if it is making you uncomfortable, chances are there is a really good reason for that and you may just not know about the entire story. Sexual abusers are masters of trickery. I was sexually abused by my father my entire childhood and nobody ever knew. He did it directly in front of people and to everybody else it looked like appropriate cuddling but to me I felt helpless like nobody cared enough to help me. I thought there was no way they didn't know. According to all of them, they didn't know.
electra complex, anyone? and
electra complex, anyone?
and is there a title for daddies who do allow this behavior?
its sick. especially when u mention how he spoons then nightly but U only get it after sex...wtf?
leave him. u will NEVER be the wife/gf/whatever that u need and deserve to be...he apparently has the emotional connection with 2 other females. u are the afterthought.
Maybe mention to him that
Maybe mention to him that fathers are the ones who need to teach their daughters appropriate boundaries. He needs to teach them what is appropriate and inappropriate behavior with men who are NOT their boyfriends.
Hi All. Thank you all so
Hi All. Thank you all so much for the replies. This sickens me and what's worse is that I am still here when I've been advised MANY times (without even mentioning it that he will never marry me-guess first wife bitteredhim for good....).
I so agree that he should be prime example of settings boundaries. I'm sure he'd have a jammer if some other guy/boy did this to them. I often wonder if the girls need help as well as its like the oldes one is obsessed with him in not just a daddy way. I can understand vying for his attention BUT when the 4 of us are together I am on the back burner and when I initiate stuff/crafts/sports etc. it's expected of me. Yet their mother doesn't even as much as answer their calls or text messages.....doesn't watch them dancing, in sports etc as its not her thing. Not necessarily my thing to go and run clock at arena 2-3 x a week for 7 months.
I think I know what I have to do.......is move on I just don't want to
I make him a priority and I'm a convenience to him. Aarrrgghhh!!!!
Your post - God a year ago, I
Your post - God a year ago, I could've written it (and actually have multiple times on this site when commenting on other postings).
When I first met DH, his daughter was 12. She did everything you mentioned above and behaved much like his girlfriend or "mini wife". The sitting on the lap, holding hands CONSTANTLY fingers interlaced, spooning with him, the whole 9 yards. It was stomach-churning how she behaved with him and how he LET her.
If you search this site and type in mini wife, you'll be able to read a lot of other posts that give you a clear picture that this is NOT ok.
Dad is HARMING these girls by elevating their status to that of a lover or mini wife. He's teaching them that these intimate moments are ok to be shared between young girls and their fathers. Not only are you shoved further down the totem pole in his life, but he's hindering their independence as well.
When I pointed it out to DH he was SHOCKED and clueless. He practically broke down in tears, thinking I thought he was a pedophile. He said "I didn't realize how this looks or how she'd be reacting to it, she's just my "little girl" and I thought showing her affection was normal, especially after the divorce when she became extra clingy".
I asked him how he'd feel if I posted a photo of the two of them all cuddled up together online? Or how he'd feel if he saw another father/daughter engaged in that type of embrace? He got it, lightbulb went off.
He sat the kid down and explained that she's developing and her body is maturing and there's certain ways dads and daughters can display affection without crossing any type of inappropriate boundaries.
She balked at first and whined and cried that I stole her dadddy from her. We did notice that she started to become more independent after he cut out the inappropriate affection. She's still way immature for her age (she's 14 now but you'd never know it by looking at or conversing with her).
I agree with was a previous
I agree with was a previous poster said. You should ask him "How would you feel if I posted a picture of you & daughter cuddled up while you're in your underwear?" "How about if I put it on the annual family Christmas card?" He's gotta know that this is inappropriate.
On the opposite spectrum, my DH doesn't even hug his daughters. Not that he wouldn't want to. Their BM is very unaffaectionate and they got that from her. They don't even say "I love you" when he says it to them first. He said he hasn't heard his kids say they loved him since they were toddlers. When they were married, BM used to make fun of DH for saying it so often. They made a game out of not telling him anything. Or, sometimes they say "Thanks" or "I know".
As weird as my skids are with affection, I'd rather have that than this creepy snuggly, pedophile-like behavior. Wow.
^^^ this!! how would they
^^^ this!! how would they know its any thing wrong if someone else done it to them!
He probably mans no harm at all and they are his babies. But this def needs to be stopped by the other suggestions on how to get him to realise are spot on.
Myskids both girls have sat on their dad all of about 4 times in the past 2 years and that was only for food or to watch a movie, which was a quick sit as they prefer to cuddle up with me too.
Spooning is a HELL NO! especially if he only does this to you after being itimate. NO NO NO!! it is far too close to be with a child or anyone other than your SO. My skids are 3 and 6 and neither of us have to even sit with them when they go to bed, story time, lights out and they are snoring wihtin 5mins!love it!
All the responses are so
All the responses are so appreciated!
Last night I went to a workshop for step moms. Was pretty great except the sales pitch at the end of it all.
Nice to have the reassurance with my concerns.
Hugs
bella