I'm starting to PANIC!!!
MIL called DH yesterday and told him that SD13 (with Reactive Attachment Disorder) had stolen her best friend's ipod and MIL found it in her room, along with a bunch of condoms and God knows what else. She told DH to come get her! He said no, knowing that will mean a divorce or him living separately (to protect my bios, she hurts them and was hurting my health...see my previous posts if you want the gory details).
I am freaking out now! I certainly don't want to live without my husband because some little brat can't follow rules and likes to abuse my bios, my bios who have done no wrong shouldn't lose their dad while a pain in the ass gets him. I also don't think my MIL should have to raise SD if she doesn't want to. But what exactly are our options? We can't afford a $4,000/mo treatment center, we can't really afford to run two households but could make adjustments. And now that MIL let SD do whatever she wanted, she will be ten times worse than she already was...hard to even imagine her being worse.
Hopefully MIL will keep her. She made SD apologize to me and I assume she thinks that "fixed" everything. No, her calling me a bitch had nothing to do with not wanting her to live with me, her being a constant threat to the health and safety of my bios is what made me want her gone. I guess I could start researching making her a ward of the state 
I doubt MIL would go for that, but it really isn't her decision to make.
I agree, it should be
I agree, it should be reported to the police. Not doing so is only enabling her. But I am the evil SM so what do I know?
My only concern about CPS, is if they would try to take my bios. I have already made up a plan in my head if they say I have to allow her back in my home. I will say "I will do WHATEVER it takes...to protect my bios. Let me repeat...I will do ANYTHING I have to to keep her away from them. And if you force her into my home, you will be responsible for what happens". Not sure if threats would work or not or if threats could get me in trouble.
I am so pissed I am in this mess! I came from a good family...I raise my kids right...I don't deserve to have to deal with an issue some other BM created! My kids don't deserve it either!
Her mom abandoned her when
Her mom abandoned her when she was 5, I have been raising her with her dad since. In March, after trying to strangle my BD, we found her mom and she took her...for three weeks and sent her back. We shouldn't have let her come back... Her mom then changed her phone number and moved away.
Her mom then changed her
Her mom then changed her phone number and moved away.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
OMG!! That is terrible. What does DH want to do?
DH is currently just telling
DH is currently just telling her that SD can't come back to our house. I feel bad for MIL. I'm not sure that is the proper way to handle it. But honestly, I will do or walk on whomever I have to to protect my bios. If that means MIL gets the short end of the stick...well sorry. She is biologically related, I am NOT! Not to mention treating SD like a princess for years hasn't helped the situation.
"If she does have to come
"If she does have to come back to your home fine" NO, NOT FINE! I made her leave because she was hurting my bios emotionally and physically and making me have anxiety and feelings of hopelessness. It is much harder to get them gone when they live with you. So I absolutely will not let her come back under any circumstances. I won't even let her visit except for Thanksgiving since I am hosting it. They better not try to leave her!
My kids and I don't deserve to have to live in fear.
And her mom is a deadbeat, we wouldn't get an ounce of CS from her.
NO NOT FINE!!!!!, Be very,
NO NOT FINE!!!!!,
Be very, very careful at Thanksgiving. My SD would have taken that as the perfect opportunity to mess with the other kids. The damage she can do, even with only verbal abuse, is huge.
SD18 stopped being allowed to celebrate holidays with us at 10. We would do a quick little something at home and then I would wisk the others away to my moms. The level of manipulation and violence that comes from RAD is impossible to explain to someone who hasn't lived the nightmare.
Not that I am happy you have
Not that I am happy you have lived this nightmare as well, but it is nice to hear I am not alone. Living this is so very lonely
I sent you a pm. Let me know
I sent you a pm. Let me know if you get it.
I got one, thank you!
I got one, thank you!
"The level of manipulation
"The level of manipulation and violence that comes from RAD is impossible to explain to someone who hasn't lived the nightmare."
You could not be more accurate in your statement! So many well-meaning people just don't understand what we are dealing with. They think all she needs is love...love will never be enough!
Try calling Boys Town in
Try calling Boys Town in Nebraska and Mercy Home in Chicago. They both offer sliding scale placement for kids like this. Also, check with your local laws and see if there is a CHINS or PINS petition process that would allow DH to petition the court to place her in therapeutic foster care.
Worst case scenario, DH moves out and gets a small, bare bones apartment with her. Arrange as many activities for her in the evenings and weekends that you can. DH can then use that time to come be a family with you and your bios. Call CPS and ask about finding respite care. If they can't help, call the nearest children's psych hospital and speak with their family support person for a list of resources.
We had SD18 placed in a residential treatment center when she was 13. They almost forced us to bring her home once but when she tried to attack DD, that was the end of that. She grew up in treatment. Thank God for the combination of Medicaid, state grants and school district funding because her treatment cost well over a million dollars. She is still very mentally ill (RAD, BPD, Schitzo) but she is less violent acting although still talks a tough game and she still makes horrible life choices but it allowed our other kids to grow up in a violence free home. It took a long time for them to feel safe and I do not know that they will ever recover completely, I know I will not. My one true regret in life is that we accepted her into our home.
I know you are "just" the stepmom, but this may be a situation where you have to do all the legwork, even though it isn't your responsibility. You need to keep your bios safe and right now MIL could simply drop SD off at your house and you'd be screwed.
Are your bios DH's bios?
Are your bios DH's bios? This is just a sad situaion. Is the child in therapy? Is there abyway, just to keep your kids away from her if she comes back?
My bios are also DH's
My bios are also DH's bios...so it really isn't fair to them if he has to move out to take care of SD.
Has she ever been in a psych
Has she ever been in a psych hospital? Or had a full neuropsych exam including personality and reality testing? Is she on meds? Does she have any other dx besides RAD? Does she get in trouble at school?
She was in a psych hospital
She was in a psych hospital for a week because she was a threat to herself and others (she had run away and physically harmed my bios). They put her on Ability and Lexapro. The meds do help control her violence (or she controlled it to get to come home...RADs manipulate and play the game like that.) We tried to send her back when she ran away again, but since she hadn't hurt anyone that time, they wouldn't take her. She now knows as long as she doesn't hurt someone physically, they won't keep her.
I'm sure she is also ODD, but that isn't diagnosed...just obvious. She gets in fights at school. She calls girls nasty names out of school to egg them on to hit her at school...so she can then jump on them and beat the hell out of them. For some reason, she gets away with it.
I am sorry but this child is
I am sorry but this child is your husbands responsibility not MIL's. You say this child has reactive attachment disorder, which likely was initially caused by the BM skipping out, but your DH is now adding to the problem instead of helping the problem, your SD needs psychological counseling and your DH, MIL and you all need educating on how to deal with her. Dumping her in to the system just makes her someone else's problems!That is not fair and it most certainly is not fair to your MIL to have to raise this child that is NOT her's. Your DH should be raising her!
Her mother should have raised
Her mother should have raised her and instead, she made her my problem! So one bad child should mean a divorce and my bios unable to hardly ever see their dad? SD will NOT be around my kids without me present. I fear she would kill them if only to hurt me.
SD has had psychological counseling...she is too old for it to do any good. Plus she just tells them what they want to hear and they think she is normal. I have had psych's literally tell me there is nothing wrong with her when she has a severe RAD diagnosis! They can be idiots when they don't know what they are dealing with. And for you to be able to help someone...there is a major point to be taken into consideration...THEY HAVE TO WANT THE HELP! SD does not WANT help. She loves the way she is. She brags about how horrible she is ALL the time.
I agree, she isn't my MIL problem. But at this point, I don't care much. I will help find her a government sponsored home...but she will not be living with me or my kids!
And trust me, I have educated them all...they don't "see" her manipulations...she plays them all like a fiddle. Then after the fact I say "do you realize she just did___ and you fell for it" And they are like "oh yeah you are right" but they still don't learn!
I am not saying that you and
I am not saying that you and your DH should divorce and your bios lose their dad. I am simply stating that since her mother abandonded her, she is your Dh's responsibility. He has to step up and do something, get her help, have her placed in a home. This child has been abandonded by here mother and her father and soon MIL will give up too.
PS I know the system sucks. I had a friend who is an alcholic and was threatening to hurt himself, he kept going into the bathroom and cutting himself. I finally called the cops and had him taken to the hospital for evaluation. He was out in 3 hours because he told them what they wanted to hear, even after I spoke with the doctor that night and told him everything that had happened. My friend simply left and went and got drunk and passed out in the doors to the homeless shelter. The system sucks!
I totally agree! Why AM I
I totally agree! Why AM I being this child's only advocate??? No I won't take her back, but it has been ME getting her the help she has had. I will do more research and try to push DH in the right direction. He just isn't very proactive or active period and it really disappoints me. He shouldn't be taking advantage of his mother.
Your DH needs to find some
Your DH needs to find some place else for her to live if she isn’t going to be able to stay with your MIL. A group home, foster care, boarding school, anywhere.
I went through this with my former SD when she decided she was going to run away from her aunt & uncle’s house and my then DH wanted her to come back to live with us because he didn't want them having to deal with problems with her.
There is no reason to destroy your family. There is nothing your DH can do to help this girl. Her life already was destroyed by her BM and your DH pretending like he can be the hero and save her is just throwing your family away for nothing. Kids like these brains are already too messed up by their BM to ever function in a normal family. All they do is destroy everyone’s lives around them.
Find some group home or other place that will take her. My x-H left so he could go focus on his brat. Now, she’s living with her half-sister and won’t speak to him. LOL! Nothing changed except now he’s divorced and has nothing. His daughter is still the same worthless little bitch she was before he left to focus all his attention on her.
One child who is
One child who is intentionally hurting others should not get Daddy all to herself while taking him from the children who do no wrong. THAT is what she wants, give it to her and she has "won". My bios have done nothing to deserve a life separated from their father. SD has. SD had her daddy for her first 12 years of her life...until she repeatedly chose to do the wrong thing. My children deserve their daddy just like she had him.
The difference between RAD and mental illness, is SD KNOWs what she is doing is wrong...she KNOWS that 100%. She just doesn't care about anyone but herself. She wants to control everyone and everything.
I don't care if you think having SD for the holidays is wrong. I am anxious about it, but my husband's grandfather was dying and wanted the entire family together for his last Thanksgiving...so I compromised for him. He already passed away. I am not evil. I do not want her completely excluded from holidays. She is less likely to hurt someone with others watching...her nana would think too poorly of her. She just doesnt care what I think.
I don't think you get my point here...I am protecting my children no matter what the cost to anyone else. Yes selfish...but my children are worth it to me. They haven't deserved this life of hell SD brought upon us.
She is a threat in day to day
She is a threat in day to day life...not so much when others are watching her. She won't try to strangle my kids with my inlaws there...because then they will all see her for what she is. She is sneaky...she likes to go hit the kids when they are walking down the hall or something like that when no one is watching...not while eating dinner. I will also be watching my little ones and SD like a hawk. I can't keep up that level of awareness day in and day out...but I sure can for a few hours. They won't be allowed out of my sight or in a room together without me present.
I guess I hadn't put enough
I guess I hadn't put enough thought into beaccountable's post...thanks for pointing it out to me again. I do think it is a good idea and I will talk to DH about it. I had encouraged him to spend more time with SD, but I think he needs a good kick in the butt to get that started.