I may have to move out of state
I know some of you know my story. In short, my husband died two years ago and left a poorly written trust and greedy children. We were married for nearly 20 years and while I was well aware of tensions, specifically about the trust and who would get what, as long as he was alive I was able to overlook most of it. My life has been absolute hell for two years. We finally finished mediation. The problem now is that many former friends have taken the kids' side and it feels like a divorce. I know my husband would be horrified if he knew how these people are treating me.
I am lucky to have a dear friend in another state who is encouraging me to move there. Although there would be some downsides, the more interactions I have with these people, the more I see that I have no choice. If I remain here, I will continue to face the loss of friends and feel the unfairness of it all. It's not a pretty picture, and leaves me sad and frustrated on an almost daily basis. Death is a powerful teacher, but I feel I've learned as much as I possibly can without choking on it.
Any advice?
I am so sorry that you are
I am so sorry that you are going through this.
I had a friend who lost her husband, and the day her husband died, her (their) own daughter came to her fathers home to collect all of his expensive tools before "anyone else got them". So sad. The mother ended up disowning both her kids because they thought that everything that she was left by their father, whom she had been married to for over 45 years, was owed to them.
I can't even begin to imagine the torture you are going through with some entitled adult steps. If I were you I would move far away, and never contact them again. and don't feel guilty about not giving them a penny more then what may be owed to them by law.
As someone who has moved a
As someone who has moved a lot, and is about move away myself, I say go. Whoever said you can't run away from your problems, hasn't moved much. You really can. I have moved a few times and it made a night and day difference in my life. Be where people love you and you are not reminded of all you lost. I was drowning in grief when I moved from the state my sister had died in a few years previous. My life and grief got so much better. Challenges still came (obviously, that's why I'm on here), but the problems from the loss of my sister, the reminders of the pain, and the negative effects of some toxic family have diminished quite substantially. I hope you move to a sunny state because it really helps! May you find your peace. Hugs!
Lucy51, I am so sorry for all
Lucy51, I am so sorry for all you have and continue to go through! I would at least go for a long visit to the dear friend if you can afford it. It will do you a world of good just being around caring compassionate people. I am sure you are forgetting what it is like to relax and not worry about who likes you. Be yourself for a change and let someone love you. You will be able to let your defenses down. Visit her at least! Hugs !
You need new friends, better
You need new friends, better friends, which can be a long process especially as adults. Message me if you want to privately chat. I hope you're okay.
I do plan a visit. I have
I do plan a visit. I have just enough miles to fly out for Thanksgiving. When they take a six month overseas assignment I will move into their house unless they are able to find a house sitter for the entire 6 months. I live in CA and would be moving to the south. I have enjoyed visiting the south and my mother is southern, but its history of racism and its current conservatism are part of the reason I hesitate. Also, the climate is not as nice. Cold in winter and muggy in summer. Hmmmm. I hope the house is available. I'd like to go out to look at places with a realtor. There's the biggest plus: so much cheaper than CA.
And needing..., I have a couple of local friends, but the idea of making new ones here is overwhelming. That's why I think about joining my friend's community. They are all wonderful people. I still try here. I've joined a writers group, I volunteer for Hospice, I attend church when I haven't for such a long time. I wish I could find a widow's group or a step monster group.
And stepaside, you are right. Most of the friends I've lost were originally his friends and knew the kids as young children. Of course, they became my friends for more than 20 years, but that doesn't seem to matter. They are NOT on my side and have drunk the Kool-aid. My husband was a very charismatic man and people loved to be around him. I am more reserved so I'm not the fun one. It's a hard reality to face.
wowthisishard, I basically
wowthisishard,
I basically agree with you about southern people. They are warm and love to entertain. I've become quite negative about CA. I have enjoyed my many years here, but the people who live here are quite provincial, and I believe that for the most part, their warmth is fake. I've had so many people tell me they would invite me to dinner and they never have. My husband and I had two houses here and I saw a lot of the state. I'm going somewhere I've never been at Christmas time, a small town on the central coast. We traveled a lot here, and I traveled a lot when I was working, and I don't feel like there are any places I've missed. As for the proposed move, we went to where my friends live many times, but always during the beautiful times of year: fall and spring. They are both just spectacular. I've met all their friends and they are a great bunch of people. I even love her parents, who live in town. So, I guess I can get through the winters and the summers. There are heaters and air conditioners. Still I'm not going to make up my mind until I've lived there for a couple of months. I figure it will take me another year to get out of here. I'm still clearing out his stuff (a hoarder) and I've got a lot to go through too.
And you're right: I should be celebrating that they are out of my life. The only problem there is the grandchildren, who I was very attached to. But I guess I'll have to give them up too. Their minds have been poisoned. And believe me, I won't leave them anything. Already decided that!
Thanks for all the support.
Lucy I live in CA too but
Lucy I live in CA too but will have to move soon. I live in the Central part of the state. I do love some parts of CA but because of the bad memories here, as well as awkwardness at holidays, I'd like to leave. I associate CA with DHs family because I moved here when I married DH.
I did have a recent vacation that made me fall in love more with this state however. I went from San Fran to Muir Woods, Napa then Tahoe. I realize what I've been missing all these years! We have to move by the end of the yr due to job changes.
I've lived in the midwest and in the south. What you describe in terms of temperature sounds more like the midwest to me. I never found the South hard in the winter but I lived far south and was used to sub zero temps.
I've seen that in the south
I've seen that in the south too SA. And it makes a huge difference IMO whether you move to a larger town with a lot of transplants or live in a small town where everyone has lived there their whole lives. Sometimes in a small town, if you get on the wrong side of the wrong person, you are doomed socially. It's hard to reinvent yourself and find other friends (in a really small town). At least that was the experience I observed when my friends moved to really small towns with few transplants.
We almost moved to a small town of 3k in CA. I didn't mind because many of the people were transplants there to work in a prison or the schools. Very different mentality.
I did find the people in the south nice, but they can be somewhat superficial and some still don't like Northerners much.
I've found the people in the Central Valley of CA some of the least pretentious people I have ever met. It's an depressed area w/lots of immigrants so it's not your typical CA town.
I probably sounded harsh
I probably sounded harsh saying superficial. What I've found in different cultures are that some of the friendliest subcultures can have more walls than appears on the surface. So what seems very open/nice to a outsider, may be more cultural. Thus the friendliness does not necessarily mean an openness to friendship.
I actually love the South but I don't like being a Yankee in the deep South. I am currently hoping to move back to the South but it's to a larger town.
Sorry have to put my
Sorry have to put my two-cents worth in but not all Yankees are "bold, in-your-face, tell it like it is, no holding back attitudes", some of us are rather warm, quiet, nice, polite and kind people. My brother married a southern gal, and my SIL and her family are from the deep South and while they might be much louder and boisterous than us, they have always been good, sweet and kind to us Yankees
Starting over with new
Starting over with new friends to find, new places to visit and a new climate.
How exciting for you and you get to leave behind all those awful people to boot.
Great idea - I think you'll find it to be the best decision you ever made.
All Yankees are not bold, in
All Yankees are not bold, in your face; not that I mind that. I just don't happen to be that way.