SD wedding continues
13 months and counting...
Question: how many of you have lived through a step's wedding?
This is harder than I thought...I have absolutly no place in this Planning...
Yet the complicated issues continue to invade my world....the money, the tensions,
The expectations .....
There has been much rangling about money... Mostly perpetrated by the ex..now the ex is attempting to arrange a meeting
Between all .... A very messy picture.... The groom's parents are in the middle of what appears to be a nasty divorce... And there is a girlfriend deeply in the picture....my dh and his ex only communicated via turse emails for 7-8 years and now everyone (ex and sd getting married) is expecting them to jump in and act like the happy wedding planner (her) and wedding payer ( dh)??....im venting but there is a point.... If the meeting occurs should i attend?
I can see both the yes and no answers and am stuck......
What you described, oldhag,
What you described, oldhag, is EXACTLY what happened to me. But I was a glutton for punishment and didn't quit when I should have. To explain...first, the wedding of the stepdaughter: I contributed my time and my money, paying for 1/3 of the wedding. I also paid for and made all the flowers for her (bridal bouquet) and the bridesmaids (each had a bouquet) and for the groom, groomsmen, grandparents, groom's father, etc in the wedding. I also paid for and made 8 table arrangements for the rehearsal dinner. The thanks I got was that I was treated like the hired help throughout the wedding, including being excluded from all but one wedding picture which was a group picture with over 40 people in it. THEN...since I was still trying to be the better person (silly me), I helped with the baby shower a few years later...again...time, money, etc. During that shower I had to endure comments made by the ex-wife about sex with my husband when she and he conceived that daughter...they thought it was a cute thing to talk about since the daughter was now having a baby.... WHEW. Crazy is as crazy does, right? So I realized I can't be crazy about this situation. These are VERY sick people and I have completely detached emotionally from all of them. I am kind and cordial when necessary but will no longer give any time or money to that situation. I got off the crazy bus and they can ride on without me. So my advice to you....cut your losses NOW. Do NOT participate in any way. If you decide to participate, sit down and ask them exactly what they expect you to do and explain in detail exactly what you expect from them, including respect and inclusion as a family member and the wife of their father. Nothing short of that is acceptable. I could go on about other problems (I have 12 years of stories about the abuse my husband and I have been subjected to) but since this post is regarding a wedding, I am sticking to that subject.
i think the tradition of the
i think the tradition of the bride's family paying for the wedding is outdated, just like being a virgin for the wedding seems to have become outdated. in today's world, most couples are living together, having sex, working jobs, and really, playing house already.
since all the traditions that apply to them they've turned their backs on, they shouldn't expect any financial help. grow up ALL THE WAY.
My step-daughter ran the
My step-daughter ran the whole show down to the minute. But she forgot two things.
First: Who should welcome the groom into the family during the opening round of toasts at the reception? So no one did.
Second: Who should dance the father/daughter dance?
I was afraid to step up during the toasts because she had such a heavy hand in the planning I didn't want to step on anyones toes. I.e. not my job.
For the dance I watched her father closely and when he did not get up I did. I hoped he would tap me out but it didn't happen. He's rather clueless.
Of course both problems could have been easily solved by just appointing someone to do the task or tell the Emcee to not call for those normal rites. By choice no one walked her down the aisle although I had suggested her uncle.
I didn't go to either of
I didn't go to either of CTBB's weddings, we couldn't afford for all of us to go anyway so I bowed out. Remember, he's my nephew not DH's real child. So I left DH, MIL, and SIL to do thier sick little dance at both affairs. Now he and wife#2 are having a baby and I'm genuinely excited, but hanging back until my role is defined. And of course DH spent a fortune on both/ being in both weddings.
To answer your question,
To answer your question, absolutely you should attend a meeting if your husband is being asked to be there. Two heads are better than one and the possibility of either of you being manipulated in the future will be lessened if both of you are there. About paying for the wedding--you and your husband should not be paying anything towards the wedding if both your SD and her fiance are already employed in established full time jobs. If they are adults with careers there is absolutely no reason to pay for anything in their wedding. A nice thing your husband could do is ask them if they want a specific wedding gift, perhaps something very nice on their registry. Or, if they'd prefer money, then a generous financial gift would be appropriate. This is the 21st century. Daughters aren't in arranged marriages with hope chests. Parents should NOT be paying for a big wedding unless you all very extremely wealthy and then I'd still question whether it is appropriate to pay for an adult child's wedding. As far as helping with planning the wedding--I would recommend you stay out of it. I am speaking strictly from experience, however. This entire situation depends on whether the ex and the SD are healthy people. If they are not I would suggest staying very far away from every bit of it. Again, if the SD is an adult with a career, etc., she probably is all grown up and wants to plan the wedding herself anyway. And trust me, if you help and you are dealing with unhealthy people, they will find a way to make you a scapegoat for something.