We feel we will be better than the Cinderella SM and try to dispell that myth. But in reality it's the Cinderella SD's that make life h3ll for us and make us look like Cinderella's SM. We go in thinking it will get better, that we will be able to make a difference. We say we know we're not the BM and don't want to take her place but we don't expect BM's influence to be so strong to make them poison SK's to us. Instead of BM's realizing that there is more love for that child and to encourage that child to love the new SP they go the other way.

Oh well, we at least have a group to encourage each other through this mess.

We will make it to the other side regardless. LOL

I often wonder the same thing: why did I go so blindly into marrying a man with children. I bore it for nearly 20 years and why did I stick it out? I guess the answer is that I loved him and I knew that nothing would change; his kids would get their way. It's all over now, he's dead and we've been through mediation (they thought their daddy was rich, too. Ha!). I try to be philosophical and think about how much I've learned from the experience. I would never be with another man who had adult children UNLESS he insisted that they treat me with respect and it was clear that they did. I've learned to never say never because it makes me feel and sound bitter. I still miss my husband everyday; his kids can't take that from me.

I don't know about anybody else but I just didn't know any better. People didn't get divorced in my family. I had a couple of stepdads, but it was because my Dad passed away. My parents had a loving marriage, no nasty games. And we all treated the step-dads with respect and we all got along fine. At the time, I just thought it would be so cool to have a SD8 (now SD is 41yo)at the time. I thought about all the stuff we could do to have fun and that we'd be good pals. I never tried to act like the boss or be like her mother. In my family, we respect our elders and make a point of getting along with each other, so it never occurred to me that other people don't. Boy did I get an education. If I had know what detachment was all those years ago, I would have detached right away and saved myself the grief.

I don't know what my SD41 really wants, when she's not snubbing us or trying to manipulate us, she's trying to hurt us. We always tried to be kind, supportive and loving to her and we always tried to include her in everything we did. She just didn't want anything to do with us unless it was for something clearly to her advantage. I'm so glad she doesn't have kids and at 41yo, probably won't ever have them. It would have just been a continuation of heartbreak and misery into the next generation.

SD41 is a "high-steppin kitty". A very pretty, petite (anorexic) woman, the fussy, hard to please kind who uses and discards men without a second thought and who doesn't get along with other women. Lying comes as easily to her as breathing. She has a mean selfish spirit and a shriveled up raisin for a heart. I think she hates everyone, even herself.

BM and her husband (who had custody of his own 3 kids) practiced major hostile PAS on her and her step-siblings. It ruined all their lives with respect to their success in life and how they relate to people. They have all had problems with divorces, family feuds, alcohol and drug abuse. BM and her husband did a lousy job of raising these kids. But they both thought they were such big shots.

I made 2 very incorrect assumptions myself.

1. I knew SS(then 2) was going to be a huge issue. However, he was BM's prodigal son and she could hardly let even DH take him by himself. While dating she constantly withheld SS from DH (never SD - she didn't want her) and refused to allow SS with DH if I was going to be there etc. I made the assumption that she would command an EOWeekend only visitation with SS to DH - suited me just fine - it was totally headed that way right up until the wedding. Literally overnight BM changed her mind - pretty much as soon as SS became too much work for her - she just said to DH - you broke him so he is your problem. HUGE MISTAKE ON MY PART

2. I assumed DH would stop putting BM first. Before I was in the picture, BM had DH at her beck and call - I assumed that would change. Apparently I was wrong. BM has DH under her thumb and I am to this day totally shocked by that. HUGE MISTAKE

I thought long and hard about SD before DH and I married, but I never realized she had a unhealthy attachment to DH. I actually cancelled our wedding because SD insisted on living with us, but I let DH talk me out of it because he wanted us to bond.

He and I married. I moved in with them, and SD showed her true colors. She was mean-spirited, petty, evil, lazy and spiteful. Some days she wouldn't even speak to me. Like someone else said, before marriage they're on their best behavior, but move in with them and you see the real character . . .especially when they think you're stealing daddy's heart. The even bigger and pathetic issue here is my SD was 25 when I moved in. I would have been more understanding had it been a younger child or teen.

SD finally moved out . . .3 years later, but we don't have a relationship. I don't ask about her, call her, text her, or email her. She's my DH's daughter . .period. DH doesn't have a problem w/that and if he does he keeps his mouth shut because it was his precious princess who acted like a complete lunatic and almost destroyed our marriage. In the end DH realized SD didn't want to see him happy after all, and he was extremely hurt that she could be so selfish. I had to constantly remind him of the fact that . . this is the daughter that you and BM raised!

I did think about it. My stepkids aren't the problem. The problem is their mothers. BM1 won't pay her child support. She's non custodial. BM2 is also non custodial. She wants all the privelages of having a child and none of the responsibilities. She also doesn't pay her CS, and expects DH to do EVERYTHING so she can see SD10. She drags us to court about once a year asking for the moon, and of course offering not a hint of contributing towards SD. BM3 is just a lazy mom. She is very self centered. For example, she takes time off work all the time to go on vacations, go up to her family's cabin, play in sunny or snowy weather, etc. As a result she isn't able to take time off for SD's medical appointments, dental appointments, and now, therapy appointments. I take SD5 to all that stuff, but BM3 complains if it is scheduled for a time she can't make it. The thing is, she won't call and schedule the appointments herself, so I schedule them for when it's convenient for me to take her. BM3 would like for me to do everything, but wants to tell me how to do it. It doesn't work that way here. She's not a bad mom, just super lazy. SD is kind of an afterthought for her.

In my case, the problem is BM, not the skids (although they do stupid teenage things from time to time).

What I didn't anticipate was the heartache and grief BM gave me. At the time, I did not know that she likely has a mental illness. I was blown away because I did not expect a woman who was in her 30s to behave like she was in high school. I didn't expect that she would make backstabbing comments about me, someone she has never met. I didn't expect that a grown woman would make fun of another woman for having a miscarriage. And I certainly didn't think a grown woman would get kids, let alone her own, involved in adult battles.

Being a SD myself I knew there would be issues with the SDs, who were (and still are) minors. But BM's behavior really threw me and I didn't start to recover until I started to realize that she probably has an undiagnosed mental illness.

I was obviously a Pollyanna, thinking that the adult Skids would act as adults. Unfortunately, the longer I'm married I find more issues with my husband's behavior. As time passes, SD is more a mini wife than a daughter. He doesn't see it and if he did he would never admit it or think there was anything wrong with it. SD is never wrong and if anyone were to suggest that she was human enough to make a mistake, DH gives a look of shock that anyone would think that.

SD just called and though I couldn't hear what they were talking about, which is none of my business, but DH's low voice, giggles and laughter, were enough to turn my stomach. They act more like star crossed lovers than we do. I posted recently that I knew where I rated because SD was his phone speed dial number along with his office. Some who don't know the entire story wrote that (1) he probably couldn't remember phone numbers; no, he's actually amazing with numbers; (2) he comes home to me and talks to me and not her at night, wrong, he's very quiet after work and doesn't say much on most nights (he doesn't like small talk), and (3) someone wrote that I wasn't in competition with SD because we had a different relationship. No sh*t but I crave the type of conversations she has with him. He always speaks very and gently with SD. I don't know how much more I can stand. I thought I was going to be number two to deceased wife but maybe SD was always number one. So does that make me number two or three? Thank you all for allowing me to "scream" in here, I so desperately need it.

When we start dating another who has a child, its not normal to think "gee what mess am I getting myself into hooking up with a person who has kids? I think that I will marry him/her once I realize that their spawn just wants me out of the picture." Ok maybe some people may think that way for there are one of every kind out there...

We have not been introduced into step parenting until we are committed. Before that point, we are only babysitters, friends with the child/children's parent, or whatever. There is not much of a threat there during that stage. The crappy part is, once we gave our heart to the other..we then see the true colors of the child/children & the parent as a parent. That is when shit hits the fan or the couple supports one another.

Finally, we discover this site & learn of the disengage game. Once we play the disengage game, we make it or break it. All in my opinion & I'm often wrong.

May be it is good. If I would know all of details my second marriage, I would never had my two little boys, whom I adore. Sometimes we need to see what we got good for all that bad things.
Years ago, my (ex )husband came in USA shortly after marriage, which was only to resolve his visa problems. Stopped to work few months after. His last money he spent on the ticket for his 16y daughter, who already hated me by that time, since we had a year of life together, and he did it without asking my opinion. He said "you son lives with you, my daughter will live with us". Probably, it saved whole her live, mother didn't care about her. The girl who appeared in our house was complete disaster, now she is good student in the good university. Strong girl, very noisy, very "special" behavior. She was destroying my house and father's health for couple years. I was providing father, my son, two mutual kids and her and babysitter. I was coming at home after work to breastfeed and clean after everyone, but I would never ask for help from people who will say "give me 5 dollars, I will help". When second child was born, she realized there is no way to squeeze more out of me, and father can't change anything, including himself. I explained if she will do what she does after 18y old, I will ask police to protect me and my family, because it is too much. She left house when she become 18 and started to make her own little money. Never said "sorry". Never helped. Father didn't give her any help. Mother sends 100 dollars monthly. She hates me, not parents. She thinks I was able to help, so it is all my fault. You know, I am so happy she disappeared from my life. I don't need any "sorry" or "help", I don't need any interactions with her. I just want simple clean house with basic respect from people who live there, no screaming and destroying property.

Yes I think that I have to wear blame for my own situation because I saw warning signs with SD14 at the time and was too blinded by love. If I went back in time then maybe I would have stayed dating for longer. Or maybe I wouldn't have changed a thing because I would not want to take back all that love and happiness for a minute. We rushed forward because we loved each other.

Great question. Not sure there is a right answer though. Don't marry the man of your dreams because of their jealous, angry or anti-social child? Not sure if any of us should have had to accept that. I would like to have back all the times messed up by SD16's crap though. IF anyone has the answer to that then post it. We have just been through a horrible stage in recent weeks where we went very close to splitting up. For what? Some silly girl's greed, jealousy, anger or who knows? My DH blamed it on our "communication problems" to protect SD16 but the truth is every disagreement over the last 3 years except 2 minor issues were about SD16.

Same here I just resent the SD because she was the only topic we really ever fight about. Her whining to daddy about her mean SM (she's 35 and married with 3 kids), and him coming to me with her petty issues which would just set me off. I had so much stress, health problems and serious problems with our BS that her petty BS just pissed me off! I wish I had a crystal ball back when DH and I met, I would not be here today that is for sure! grr