Am I a bad mom?

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I'm new here, and it's nice to meet you all!

Getting to my point...
I've been with my husband for 2 1/2 years. I have taken part in raising his beautiful daughter since she was just a year and a half old. She will be 4 this January. I get along very well with her birth mother and her step dad. The four of us raise her equally, as a big happy family. However, I must admit I am so jealous of her biological mother and her step dad, that I feel I have become bitter. Our daughter is so insanely attached to her bio mom that she almost seems obsessed. I understand that they have that blood bond, but I can't help getting upset sometimes. Although she's a happy kid overall and I know she loves me and enjoys spending time with me, I feel more like the babysitter. Here are some of the simple things that bother me:
- I never do anything right. For example, if I wipe her face after she eats she says "no my mom does it different".
- She refers to her step dad as "daddy" and calls her biological dad (my husband) "daddy InsertNameHere" I think that's because her birth mother refers to them that way.
- When we pick her up from the bus or from her house, she sometimes cries about having to go with us.
- Her birth mother talks a lot about the pregnancy and how every little think about our daughter is inherited from either her or my husband - as if genes are everything. For example, hubby always tells me that she was his little tom boy until I came along because I'm so girly. But when I mentioned it to birth mother, she denied it.
- Her birth mother offered to carry our child. When she first offered, my husband and I both almost cried, gave her big hugs and thanked her a lot, because it is a very generous offer. But as time goes by and I grow more jealous, I feel sort of insulted. It was like she was saying "since my body functions so well and yours sucks, I'll do the job of carrying your husbands baby yet again".

The only things I can think of that is causing our daughter to be so distant from us would be the fact that I was not there the first year of her life, and that hubby didn't get the opportunity to meet her until she was a couple of days old. So during those first couple of days, she bonded only with birth mommy and step daddy. Also, her birth mother breast fed her until she was about 2 years old, and our daughter still to this day sleeps with her and her husband.

As for me feeling bitter, I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that I am infertile. So when mommy talks about the pregnancy all I can think is "lucky you". And sometimes when I spend all day with my daughter, fixing her meals, playing outside with her, reading to her, taking care of her when she's sick and I'm feeling like mother of the year, she'll say "I miss my mom" And I seriously just want to say "look you little brat, I'm sorry that I didn't give birth to you, why don't you just crawl back up your mother's vagina and stay there". But I can't do that. I love her so much... I just wish that I had the blessing of giving my husband another beautiful child. Sometimes I wonder if he'd love our baby as much as he loves her. So much jealousy has developed in me.

The way I'm feeling, is any of this normal? Am I a horrible monster? Will these feelings ever pass? Our daughter deserves better.

You seem a little obsessed..

You seem a little obsessed.. of course your STEP daughter is attached to her mom, did you think she would forget about her mother just because you came along?

Holy crapola. I'm still

Holy crapola. I'm still trying to wrap my head around BM being a surrogate for you.
Sorry.
I'm back.
First, you need a little reality check. Your are not her mother and she is not your daughter. She is a little four year old girl who HAS a mother. Of course she loves her and is connected to her. It has nothing to do with your DH seeing her a few days after birth or anything like that.

If I put on my psychologist's hat here...it sounds like you can't bear children and you never have had children. You are identifying yourself as this child's mother, which will only serve to cause problems for you. Think about it...you're jealous of this child's mother, because you think of yourself as her mother. I think your issues have to do mostly with whatever infertility you face. I would suggest addressing and accepting that, because this jealousy of Bm and crazy attachment to SD is stemming from that.

Relax, when she is older she

Relax, when she is older she will gain some clarity on the quality contribution you make to her life.

For my SS-20 it took more than 10 years for him to start to obtain clarity on his BioDad and put BioDad on more realistic playing field than the usual BioParent pedistal. Unlike your SD's BM my SS's SpermIdiot is a jackass and contributes little of value to my son.

Now that he is 20yo and out in the world (He serves in the USAF) making his own way he knows who his real father is and it is not his BioDad.

The jelouse feelings are not unusual or abnormal but you will have to deal with them and not let them consume what appears to be a positive blended family experience.

Good luck.

I'm so sorry - you seem to be

I'm so sorry - you seem to be set up for heartache here! And everyone's acting like it normal because their side of the deal is great, BM has her daughter and her partner whom child is attached to as it sounds like this is the main home. Your husband gets to see his daughter regularly - she also has a lovely partner you who is happy to go along with the Idea that you are another mum. Sorry she is their daughter and she is securely bonded to her mother - if it's getting difficult get her father to care for her more when she is with you. I'm not sure what is going on th your fertility or if there is any hope of you having your own child - but the resentment you are starting to feel towards this toddler is scary "crawl back up your mothers vagina!?" that is dark bitter jealousy and it will not get better - please protect yourself here - I've been full time step mum for 8 years and I can assure you that my SD's love their absent neglectful BM more than me! And at least this BM sounds loving so I can't see it changing. See what you need here. Can you talk to partner?

Because all 4 adults are

Because all 4 adults are raising daughter as 'one happy family' (see top of thread) except it seems that poster is not really happy and I can't blame her as she is being deceived into thinking she is childs mother - I wish her well and yes excellent advice would be detach abit from BIO mum - she's got a great deal going on!

Bio mum that is having good

Bio mum that is having good deal NOT poster - x I think this is her wake up call - that 'missing' piece is just starting to show - she's starting to get resentment to toddler as she is showing she loves her mum more - which is normal and natural -

If you need a surrogate, find

If you need a surrogate, find someone you DON'T KNOW to carry your child. Not even a friend. The surrogate should be your baby oven and that's it, out of your life once the baby is born or else you're always going to be faced with "when I carried your child" and such. It seems to bother you an awful lot about BM recalling her pregnancy with your SD. Imagine if you had to deal with that regarding your OWN child. Ack.

To let you know even being

To let you know even being mom of the year gets you nothing with a step-child, here is a boiled down version of my story: Met SD at 3, BM neglected her and abandoned her. BM went over 7 years without seeing SD, never even called. I raised SD since 4 and did everything moms do. SD is now 13 and hates me. Somehow in her twisted emotionally ill mind, she blames her mom's neglect on me. She told my home town that I abuse her. She calls me curse words and tells me she hates me and physically harmed my kids. She is no longer living with me, but this just shows BM can be an abusive piece of trash, you can do EVERYTHING for the child and be the only mom she really knows...and BM is still golden while you are a bitch.

I went through the same - so

I went through the same - so true

I think poor poster has been

I think poor poster has been led into this hook line and sinker by BM and her husband as they are making it seem 'normal' but obviously 'real' feelings are kicking in now!

What does the child call you? Does she call you mum? If so might want to get her to call you by your name

I apparently did not give as

I apparently did not give as much information as I should have. Let me clarify that our child DOES call me mommy and she started calling me that on her own free will. When she first started calling me that, my husband had a talk with BM about it, as he wouldn't want anyone to feel uncomfortable. Her only concern was to make sure that he had full intentions on staying with me for life, so that our kid wouldn't be the type to have a new step mom every couple of months.

Also, we have her about four days a week and she spends about two nights with us each week.

I'm offended that a lot of you seem to be under the impression that I want to replace her BM, but that may be my fault for the way I worded things. I would never wish BM out of our lives, and I would never expect our child to have the same bond with me. Even BM refers to me as "mommy kitten" (they call me that because that's the way the little one pronounced my name when she first tried to say "Kristin".) It seems a lot of you have a hard time understanding that some families CHOOSE to raise their child as four equal parents and that not all BMs get quite so defensive with the "mom" word. BM, her boyfriend, and my husband have never used the words "real" mom or "real" dad, and although she understands who gave birth to her, we try to make her understand that we are all her parents. WE, not just me. I am NOT the pushy monster I apparently made myself out to be. After answering your questions and clarifying the situation, if you still think I'm being crazy, I will accept that and maybe get some professional help lol. But I do agree that a lot of my negative attitude stems from my inability to conceive. I just want to be someone's mommy... the mommy they love unconditionally, who doesn't do everything wrong. I KNOW that sounds selfish, but I'm telling you my true feelings. As for adoption, yes we do plan to adopt some day. We haven't been married for long enough to be accepted by any agency, even internationally, that we know of.

Also, for the person who asked why I'm so involved with BM? Her and I are friends. My husband and BM's boyfriend are friends. We're all friends. We're also very close friends with my ex husband and his girlfriend. We all go out and do things together as a family. This may sound weird to you, and I agree it is unusual. But there's nothing wrong with it. It teaches our kids that when everyone gets along, life runs much more smoothly.

BM calls you "mommy kitten"?

BM calls you "mommy kitten"? Oh puke! :jawdrop: your whole situation seems a little suspect to me...

When I say "our child", I

When I say "our child", I mean she belongs to the four of us, not just my husband and I. See, BM also calls her "our kid" when she's talking to me. You tell me I may be getting too involved with the step daughter, but I feel like I'm not involved enough. BM called me yesterday and told me I should go to pre school with our baby because she wants me to feel more involved. I'm not arguing with you and I respect your opinion and advice. I agree that maybe I'd feel better if I didn't feel like I have so much responsibility to her. But we all share equal responsibility to her, so it just kind of hurts to be treated like I'm not good enough

This whole thing is just

This whole thing is just creepy.

I am infertile too. I get

I am infertile too. I get it. I get jealous of BM because she got to carry FDH's kids and I know I can't. In fact, I can't even stand to watch him hold a baby! I burst into tears uncontrollably!

I get overly attached to kids. Its easy. But you have to remember that you are NOT her mom. She has a mom. We are in a very strange situation and you are lucky that your BM seems to be a very nice person and includes you in all of the events.

Its very difficult, but try to think of yourself in more of a "really awesome aunt" role. Where eventually, she will come to you with problems that she doesn't want to tell her mom about, you could be more of a confidant than her mom. Right now, support her love for her mom (she is 4 and it will not stop for quite some time).

When my SDs cry because they miss their mom and she won't answer her phone or return her phone calls, I hold them and say ti will be alright and she will probably call tomorrow.

I am infertile too. I get

I am infertile too. I get it. I get jealous of BM because she got to carry FDH's kids and I know I can't. In fact, I can't even stand to watch him hold a baby! I burst into tears uncontrollably!

When my SDs cry because they miss their mom and she won't answer her phone or return her phone calls, I hold them and say ti will be alright and she will probably call tomorrow.

Thanks for all your replies.

Thanks for all your replies. After seeing that so many of you more experienced step parents seem worried for me, you've got me thinking. I don't want to be a paranoid person, but maybe I should be. I just don't get it though... why on earth would BM want to take advantage of me? Why would she WANT me to be infertile? Although she has admitted on more than one occasion and in more than one way that she regrets cheating on my husband, she currently seems so happy with her boyfriend. If you want to get deeper into the story, she was on and off with my husband for 11 years. She eventually got pregnant and didn't know who the father was until the DNA test. Obviously, it was my husband who broke it off, and she stayed with the man she cheated on him with. It was not her choice to end the relationship and she feels so guilty for putting everyone through so much pain. She has said things to me like "of course I still love him, that's why I'm SO happy he's with someone who makes him happy". I want to believe her, but there are little things here and there that she says that makes me wonder if she's waiting for her chance to snatch him back up. My mother in law swears BM can't be trusted. BM just called me asking me to go trick or treating with her and "our kid" tomorrow night and asked when I'm going to start my fertility treatments again because she just can't wait for our baby to be a big sibling. She even talks about treating my future child as one of her own and us treating her future child like our own, which of course we'd love to. I want to believe in this perfectly happy fantasy family we talk about, but as time goes by, I feel resentment more and more. I hate it! Maybe if I back off of the kid just a bit, I'll only be saving myself from more pain. It's not like step daughter would care much.

P.S. The problem with the your logic about letting her bio parents do the parenting - BM's boyfriend is step daughter's favorite daddy. Step daughter usually calls BM's boyfriend "Daddy" but calls my husband "Daddy so-n-so". She often cries wanting her "daddy" when my hubby is trying to spend time with her. That's where at least 40 - 50% of my resentment is coming from. I can't stand to see that child break hubby's heart every single day.

Hmmmm....I still can't say

Hmmmm....I still can't say that BM doesn't have a hidden agenda. Not everyone who smiles at you is your friend, KWIM?

If things don't work out between her and her BF, you may see a total 180 in her attitude.

For your own sanity, I would look into adoption....and maybe boundaries? You can raise a child - even with more than just the bios - but still have good boundaries in place where you aren't feeling so bad about the situation.

P.S. I think that I should

P.S.
I think that I should talk to BM about my involvement with my step daughter. I need some serious advice. I need to tell her that I love our baby with all my heart, and I am honored to be a second mom to her. I also want to tell her that I don't really want to participate in as many things as I have been, because I put a lot of time and love into it only to hear the girl cry for her mommy. For example, BM keeps telling me I should go to preschool with our daughter for a day. Why would I want to spend the day following her around at school trying to make her love me while she cries for her mommy and embarrasses the hell out of me? One day, I picked her up from the bus stop and she immediately started crying because she wants her daddy (meaning BM's boyfriend) and the bus driver was like "awww". I wanted to punch the bus driver for feeling sorry for her, as if it's just terrible that she has to go with the evil step mom.

I've been getting more and

I've been getting more and more "busy" the past few months. The more unavailable I am, the more she invites me to spend time with her, because she assumes that I miss her. That is what's making me think that I'll need to eventually tell her the truth, and I think the way you explained it is very helpful. See, BM's boyfriend works 3rd shift Mon-Fri. My hubby works 2nd shift Mon-Fri. BM and I have jobs with unset schedules. So typically, every Saturday, we sit and talk about who can watch the kid and when. Of course is BM is is working when my husband and I are available, we get the kid. And of course, if I have an evening free when BM works, I take the kid. Weekends are what bother me the most, because our kids favorite dad, (BM's boyfriend) is available but he believes he's entitled to at least one day a week all to himself. So BM hints for me to take the kid. WTF? If we're all supposed parents, you don't get time off. My husband and I have always been right there when we're needed, no questions asked. Yet BM's boyfriend is still "Daddy" and my husband is "Daddy so-n-so". Pisses me off so bad.
I used to own my own business as well, and I worked from home. But my schedule always had to be based around BM's schedule. If I could have had a set schedule, I would have made a lot more money. Now looking back, I'm thinking why did MY schedule have to suffer?
I do believe I'll take your advice and keep being more "busy". It's not my fault that BM thinks there's no other babysitters out there that are good enough.

I'm 24, and I haven't had my

I'm 24, and I haven't had my labs for a long time. I have PCOS, which causes irregular (almost completely absent) periods and ovulation. We've tried Clomid before and got pregnant on the first cycle! I unfortunately lost the baby, which is when we decided to just focus on the remodel of our home and my college graduation before continuing treatment. I'm hoping that Clomid will work for us again in the future and I believe that it will. In vitro is just an option we had talked about before, but we'd probably adopt first. BM knows of my fertility issues, which is why she said that if we ever needed a surrogate, she'd be willing. Knowing BM like I do, I honestly believe that she was just offering her services out of the kindness of her heart. It's just my jealousy of fertile women that lead me to sometimes think the worst. Sometimes I wonder if she does just want to be the one and only woman to give birth to my husband's children. I can't let myself think that way.

If you're thinking I'm way too young to be thinking of all this, don't worry. I'm going to start focusing more on myself and my goals, but my husband and BM are both in their 30's. I see myself as very mature and responsible, but I won't get into that, since most people can't take mentality into consideration and only see numbers. I just won't waste my time

1 in 5 women miscarry their

1 in 5 women miscarry their first child. It may be a little harder to get pregnant due to your irregularity, but don't go thinking you won't carry your own baby just yet. I imagine you will get pregnant again and carry the baby with no problems. I lost my first baby and have had two successful pregnancies since!

6. You act as a mirror for

6. You act as a mirror for her.
8. Now that you've come along, dad is asking for more parenting time.
10. She sees her ex-husband being a different man with you.

I can see these as possibilities, because she compares the two of us all the time lol. And yes, daddy definitely spends a lot more time with her since I came along. We now own a home with the kid's own bedroom, I cook for the family, etc. He has always said that of all the things he loved about me, what made his final decision is realizing that I would be a good mom. As for number 10, oh yeah. She often says things like "don't get me wrong, I'm happy for the two of you, but you're so lucky you got him as a grown up and more responsible". I guess one of the issues in their relationship is that they were both young and immature.

Well, it's not like we're

Well, it's not like we're playing house, he is my husband. I own a home with him, we've built a life together and are very happy together. Of all the things I've said in this thread, you can look back and see that I didn't have a single bad thing to say about hubby, he's wonderful. BM and DH never raised the child together and were never married. They split up with she was pregnant. I've taken part in raising the kid since she was a baby. I respect your opinion and perhaps if I were single I'd take your advice into consideration for my future... but I have absolutely no intentions of leaving my happy marriage or looking at BM as an "ignorant bitch" lol. I do hope and believe that you're right about not needing much help in the fertility department. We plan to start trying again within the next couple of years.

I AM SO SORRY for your hurt!

I AM SO SORRY for your hurt! This site has helped me in so many ways and I am grateful to know that I am not alone in what I feel sometimes. However, I do feel like there is a lack of compassion from some frequent posters and it almost seems that with all if their experience comes a numbness. If you love your SD, continue to do what you feel is right for your family. I will caution you though that you may never be considered "mother" to her, but YOU may have a significant impact on who she becomes and may one day be a friend to a woman that you have helped raise.

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