I am so sorry you are in this situation. **HUGS** I hate to say it, but it has to be your husband that gets the toxic son out of your life. You have to be able to get him on board. Ss sounds like a real A-hole!!

You can't see all the children in the world. You've done your share. The needly will always exist and you need to care for your husband and you. Give up any thought that you're going to raise anyone.

I agree with stopping the SS and girlfriend from coming over to "help" - you do not want them around. Arrange formal visitation with DCS and that is when they are allowed to see him. You actually may be in trouble for allowing him to do that since his child was removed from him. He is BAD influence on the little one and should NOT be around him on a daily basis. The tension and stress in the house cannot be healthy for anyone. Act now and act quicly. Ban him from your home. Dh should not be able to mortgage your house without your permission / signature. Did you sign anything? If not, I would haul myself to a lawyer and sell the house that DH bought and take back the money that is rightfully yours. See a private counsellor for emotional strength and get going fast. This is a dangerous, unhealthy situation for both you and your DH.

Holy crap! Can you H be MY dad? I would love to have my house, utilities, car, etc all paid for.

No seriously, WTF is he thinking?????? No wonder his son is a fuck-up.

I'm sorry you have to raise a small child, but honestly, at least that child has you. (((HUG)))

I'll pray you keep finding the energy to keep up!

Dear 88keystohappiness

WOW, been there done that. Your story sounds like a rerun of my past when it comes to raising step children. I was newly married to DH for a year when Itook in the first SGS. There was no paperwork from DCS, just took him in for a year at a time his mom was having problems. The child excelled and was a delight but there was the problem of " pretending he was living with his mom" at our place so he could be in our district. My work schedule was constantly flipped from one shift to another to accomadate his needs and I was the one who was responsible for him. I did the work and DH participated in the good times. Once he returned home,I saw him 1 time when he and his mom came to our home for a family reunion.

2 years later DCS was requesting we take him back on an emergency basis. Nothing had improved in his life from the year of taking on the responsibility. At this point he was almost 15. I refused to d.eal with a teen at this point in my life. {51 yrs. old}

In stead I took his 6 yr. old sister. This time I insisted DCS place my name on the paperwork. I was the one taking responsibility for her 24/7. DCS had to close their case after 18 months. We were offered to continue to keep her until mom petitioned the court to return custody in the future. I was the one who refused.

DH had reqested she not pay support to give her the chance to get on her feet financially. She did not follow through on the DCS requirements. She did get custody back at my insistance. At that point I said "she straightens up and does what she needs to do, because her kids do not move back into my household again unless she signs adoption papers." None of her family, sisters or her mother had offered to take the children. It was not going to be a revolving door at my house. I was not going to spend a fortune paying for lawyer fees and fight to keep the child once DCS closed their case. Mom would have been able to get a free lawyer and petition the court when she wanted custody returned.

In the end, child went home. All her family members rented a large home coverted into several apartments. {step gc, the mothers, and their mom} Did not see the child again for several years.
DH would visit over there and see the GC.

As long as we make things easy little effort comes from the other side to improve their life. at this point 10 yrs. have passed. She is the sd that has done the most with her life. Married a good decent guy, has a beautiful home, children nearly grown and doing well. Sometimes not making life easy, being willing to be the bad guy and say straighten up, fostercare, or adoption are the only options offered. Revolving door is not an option.

I have to warn that my attitude did cause problems with DH . His idea was to keep the child and "make it appear that mom was such a good mom for allowing us to raise GD" But he was not the one who was raising her or had left his job to do this. Don't expect to be considered the one to get any credit for taking on the job. It will be dad who is fondly remembered for taking in the child. If you put your foot down and say "no more" it will be you who kept dad from keeping the child.

This is unfortunately 100% your DH's fault. He facilitates his 30yo son's crap. Your SS-30 sounds like my SS-20's SpermIdiot.

SpermIdiot-42yo has 4 out of wedlock spawn by three different baby mamas. My SS is his oldest. SpermIdiot lives in a rental property owned by the SpermGrandParents RENT FREE!!!! and the SGPs paid my SS's CS, visitation travel and my SS stayed with the SGPs on every visitation for 17+ years. The SGPs also raise the youngest three SpermIdiot spawn in their home with no help from the SpermIdiot.

Though the SpermIdiot is a worthless POS and waist of skin I blame his parents. If or my brother had even an incling of the worthlessness of my SS's SpermIdiot or your SS-30 they would have beat me to death and disposed of my body just to save society from such worthlessness.

Your DH needs to consider turning his spawn (your SS-30) in to fertilizer to save society from his absolute failure as a parent. Okay, maybe not an actual retroactive abortion but certainly a long one way drive to the wilds of Alaska and let nature cull the problem.

IMHO and marginallykidding of course.

I hope you can make this work for you and for your grandson.

Good luck.

You are taking on responsibilities that are not yours to take on - out of a sense of guilt.

This stepson(and stepdaughter) is not your biological child, you don't have a good relationship with him. This stepson has been ALLOWED by his father (your DH) to get away with not taking responsibility for his actions - because his father (and now you) are going to once again "rescue" him from the consequences.

The stepson isn't the one with the problems, your DH is, and so are you if you take on this child to care for.

The stepson needs to be allowed to deal with and experience the consequences of his behavior. It sounds like he has never been allowed (or made)to do this.....ever!

You don't have a crystal ball, and can't say for sure that the stepsons child will not make out well in life if YOU don't step in and rescue him. That is not for you to decide.

Your stepson has it MADE! Why should he be responsible if he knows his daddy (and you) will bail him out every time he messes up!?

Step away, and allow this emotional/mental child grow up! It won't be pretty to watch, and he will whine and make threats, call you names, and try and put huge guilt trips on you both, but you need to stand firm and not rescue him any more.

I'm so sorry. You are such an amazing woman. Set boundaries,set boundaries, set boundaries. Do not let SS or any of his gfs or baby mamas in your home. Set up visitation with DCS. They are not allowed around you at all. DH needs to stop enabling his son! If he won't, completely disengage from that situation. Do not talk to DH about his son, don't help him, don't cover for him financially if he putting that much out. I feel like everyone is walking all over you, don't let them. You are in control, you set up what is ok with you.