Should DH pay me back for (my)money I spent on skids?
Two yrs ago, I married a man who has 5 kids. (The skids lived with druggy BM.) Our life together was planned out to only have skids for visitation.One year later,( still newlyweds) my DH got full custody of them as the BM was a druggy and abused them. Altho married, I have always had my own bank account. Over the last year, I have (foolishly) spent my own personal money (thousands) to buy skids clothes, jewelry,shoes, treats and activities.They had hardly nothing when they came to live with us. I thought my extra money was an investment to help the needy kids have their needs met as well as spending time together trying to build a "family" unit.I enjoyed giving them some things they wanted. And to my delight, THEY ALWAYS SAID THANK YOU!I felt they appreciated it and I got warm fuzzies.
However, my DH learned to expect this behavior. The worst and last time I contributed to skids was when I gave DH the last of my savings. STUPID!!
I have asked DH to pay me back for skids phone, school tuition,plane tickets and the like. I did not ask him to pay me back for the little treats and gifts I gave to each skid.His finances were taxed before we inherited the skids. Ill prolly never get the money back. Its just the principal. TAKE!!TAKE!!TAKE!!
I discovered I am nothing but a resource for him..Babysitter, bank, encourager, helper, companion,etc.I am last on the list after his kids.
So...now the wiser..I do not spend my own money on skids. Its DH responsibility. I am 75% disengaged from them all. I am trying to figure out what to do next.I have a life,too.
^^THIS Don't the vows say
^^THIS
Don't the vows say something about, "richer or poorer, in good times and in bad?"
We don't do the "your money"
We don't do the "your money" "my money" thing either. I figure if someone in "our" home needs something "we'll" get it with "our" money.
I agree with the premise and
I agree with the premise and my dh and I do actually mix our finances for the most part. I have savings accounts that I had long before we married that are seperate and will remain so. In fact they are to go directly to our son in the event of my death.
The problem with "our" money is sometimes one party's income is also income to his past family and that isn't something that sits well with everyone of us. My dh pays alimony. No way on God's green earth I am comfortable with MY portion of "our" money going to support his ex wife's life of liesure. And if he chooses to spend money on his kid in the normal course of life, I am ok with it, but if he agrees to give money for things on which we disagree value - wise, then I have a problem with that too. I married him and I combined finances with HIM, not his ex-wife and his child.
That said I think if the OP spent that money with no agreement on repayment, etc., it was a gift and asking for repayment is unfair.
I read this topic and
I read this topic and literally, just laughed out loud, so hard.
Answer: I WISH!
Good luck to you though!
You admit that you freely
You admit that you freely spend that money willingly as a gift to his kids. You can't retroactively turn a gift into a loan.
All you can do at this point is explain to Dh how you feel and make it clear that you won't be using your finances to bankroll his kids activities.
If you keep "yours" & "his"
If you keep "yours" & "his" money & you expect him to reimburse you for what you volunteer of your money, it needs to be understood that way BEFORE you do it.
You can't just look back now, at the money you've spent over the last year & decide you want it back.
Can you imagine how well that would fly with Judge Judy? LOL!
.I enjoyed giving them some
.I enjoyed giving them some things they wanted
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
I think it is too late to get the money back. It sounds like you spent it because you wantwed to. It also sounds like you created a monster. lol.
My DH and I do the whole "my money-your money " thing. It works out great. If there were not skids involved, I doubt we would do it that way. But I really advise it, if you have skids.
Since my husband out earns me
Since my husband out earns me 8 fold my motto is this : What's yours is mine and what's mine is mine. LOL
In all seriousness, let your husband handle the needs of the stepkids. And unless the agreeement was to pay you back up front, I don't see how you can now ask for it back after the fact.
Well..I can only imagine that
Well..I can only imagine that IF we shared the same bank account....I would NEVER have money for my needs as I come LAST..and also foolish was that I gave him money I was saving for MY BIO KIDS!!!!!!I told him the savings was for my kids. I THOUGHT he would at least OFFER to pay it back.
Did he wait until you two
Did he wait until you two were married before he got full custody? Funny how that's usually the case. :O
Oh, and guys...the "our money" thing really only works in intact families. For me, DH, and OUR kids together, it's "ours". When skid needs something, it comes out of DH's pcket. Only fair. Skid (grown man) is not taking from my family's budget.
We carefully kept our money
We carefully kept our money seperate. Perhaps it started because we lived together for years and I basically paid a flat amount to cover my share of household expenses. I then paid for treats such as meals out because she could not otherwise afford it and always got a thank you for my efforts.
Now 30 years later keeping seperate accounts has become a habit but we split the costs of the household differently according to income which is now all retirement sourced.
Sundowner I think you're expecting too much from your husband since you volunteered the money up front. You admit you were foolish but from this point on you've seen the light. Keep your money seperate and forget all that one for all and all for one stuff. When it comes to step-kids you can forsake your own children for his.
Listen you did a good thing - perhaps over did it but non-the-less a good thing. Take it as a lesson in life and go forward. Frankly if you truly feel that you are nothing but a asset to your husband to be used up as needed then I'd consider moving on. Plenty of men get re-married for precisely the reasons you complain about and many of them don't do it consciously - i.e. evily - they just need help and pay whatever price they have to pay to get it. The cheaper route is marriage.
I think you are asking this
I think you are asking this out of frustration, not so much because you have 'my money, his money' mentality in reality. Now that you know you've been taken for granted and advantage of regarding your kindness and money, it's only natural that your feelings turn towards self-preservation. Surely you taking care of FIVE kids is going to cost you significantly.
I do not think you can ask for it back. I think you should just stop doing anything more than whatever gifts you give or whatever you can afford. Do not give with expectation of anything being returned financially unless that's agreed upon upfront.
Thanks everybody..I decided
Thanks everybody..I decided to give up reimbursement, and continue with separate bank accounts. When Im tempted to spend my money on skids, I will quickly tell myself.."this money should be going to my biokids and future biogrands"..and that will STOP me!!
When I am asked for money, I will smile and say, " I dont give out money, but I can offer encouragement and hugs".