I feel the same way. My DH wasn’t married to BM, but they lived together and he says they were “basically married”- whatever. He refuses to read any articles I find online (I research EVERYTHING), he also refused to go to counseling for a while. I finally got him to go but he only went twice to shut me up before I married him. It’s like they know it might not last because of what happened before, so they don’t want to put too much effort into making it work

A person who isn't willing to work to save a relationship, has already reached the I'm done point. They just don't have the balls to admit it. Instead, they are waiting for their SO to reach that point so that he/she can be the one to call things off.

It makes a lot of sense. Think about it. He worked and worked to keep the first marriage together, and all that effort, time, and stress didn't change the outcome. It ended. And don't believe for a SECOND that he "didn't love" BM and just married her cause she got knocked up. He loved her, he just doesn't want to ADMIT he did.

It's another downside to being a second (or subsequent) wife. He's been there, done that, has the scars to prove it. In his mind, why throw good money after bad? Why fight what he sees as inevitable?

Also, like Disney said, when a person isn't willing to try, they are done. It's already over. They're just hesitant to pull the final plug, and are hoping that the other person will do it for them.

Hugs. This sucks.

I agree with Sueu2. You're accepting him as he is. He has no reason to change. Being married before is not a reason (or excuse) to check out on your next marriage. Every relationship is different and deserves 100%. Perhaps it isn't that he's been there. Perhaps it is who he is. Perhaps that is why he is divorced.

My dh was married to McCrazy for a very long time. LONG time. And he treats me like I am the love of his life. Someone posted something yesterday about the problem not being step related, but married related with an article about how husbands can make their wives happy. It was about cherishing her, etc. My dh does that. He love me. He tells me he loves me at least a dozen times a day. He SHOWS me he loves me all day, every day. Even when we are in disagreement, we do so in a respectful way. He never makes me feel second or "been there done that". Each day, each moment, each experience with me is different and cherished.

Your dh could take a lesson in being a gentleman, but why would he? This is working for him. Sure, you're unhappy and you bug him about it, but that isn't really a consequence and change only happens when there is a real consequence.

For some men women and love is a habit.When the habit wears out and gets boring and tedious they get out. They do not want to work on making things better. Why should they? They will find someone and then someone else- plenty of fish. They like the variety and they already have been through a marriage and have kids . So they want their cake and to eat it too.It is the easy way out.

Why try to work on a solid relationship when you can just have someone for a day or two who will not want to work on the relationship.It is a lifestyle of choice for many of these men. The moment you start asserting yourself and actually want a healthy relationship they donot want to invest in it or is too much for them to handle. Pleasee, they just want a free cook, servant and convenient sex partner . Let them be ... you dear deserve better and have to start looking out for your self. What do you want in a partner? How and in what way he should treat you? Start valuing yourself... instead of giving the man the power to decide for yourself.Self- worth , self - respect and self -love. Cultivate these and make them your second nature and everything will turn around for the better.

Oh, I forgot to say that I had to learn that the hard way. I was in a relationship with someone who did not value or appreciate me, who told me that he does not love me and that nothing will change in his situation and he is unwilling to work on the relationship. So everything that I needed to know was in front of me a week before I was supposed to sign a marriage license.

I walked away and tried to work it out for a month - big big mistake. That type of men donot change. He e mailed me after 10 months of no contact - a bitter e mail that screams of his selfishness.I did not respond - deleted it. I learned my lesson the hard way. Please, learn the easy way not the hard way. Love yourself!

Nope. At least not now. I think DH is more appreciative after divorcing crazy witch.

Heck sometimes I think my DH forgets he remarried! Lol He is a good husband until it comes to dealing with BM and her brat. We get along. We don't have financial issues. We don't have family issues with In-Laws or anything. We both work hard, save $, like to travel. But it's amazing how one thing can shape someone's life so definitively. The one thing that shapes his and basically ruins what we have is his attachment to his past. The boy is not his kid and the BM is a bitch on top of it so why he can't put that whole situation in perspective and keep it at arms distance is beyond me. I think it'll take me walking away before he 'gets' it and even then he may not...

OMG....YES!!! This very thing was the cause of alot of fights between me and DH in the beginning of our relationship. This is why second wives resent first wives. They ruined sh!t for us.

I feel like this a lot because SO won't share a lot of the things with me he enjoys because BM was so negative about it all to him. He knows I won't be that way ... he tells me he loves me because I'm supportive. For example, early in our relationship one of his friends informed me that SO has over 150 songs he has written and recorded. SO knows I LOVE music. I asked him about it early on and he kind of shrugged it off and changed the subject. Eventually he told me BM was very negative about his musical endeavors and belittled him for it. So I just reiterated that I support it (even if I didn't like his music, I would support his interest in it) and when he's ready to share it I'd love to hear it. Here we are 4 years later and he has barely shared any of it ... he bought a new guitar 2 years into our relationship and I have only seen it once ... he won't even play it in front of me. It really hurts me that here his friend is familiar with his music and me, the one he claims he wants to spend the rest of his life with, barely knows more than 2 or 3 songs. All this because some other woman was a big B about it?!

I'm guilty of it myself. My last marriage was such a complete trainwreck, and I gave SOOOO much, and ended up with such a disaster, that I knowingly am not as trusting and generous this time around. Fortunately, my husband's previous marital experience was so lousy that even in my reduced state, I am AWESOME by comparison.

Unfortunately, some people use previous bad experiences to justify current dickish behavior. That is NOT acceptable. NO WAY does someone have the right to punish a current partner for something a past partner did. And being hurt before does not entitle them to behave unkindly, selfishly, or disrespectfully. You need to try to look at what's happening as objectively as you can and decide if what you're seeing is a man who's learning to trust and share again, or someone who feels that he no longer has to give because "he's been burnt before."

This is why being with a divorced father is hard. I agree with you, it is not fair for us to get shortchanged just because he wasted a chunk of his life on the wrong woman. It is also irritating when he is still financially supporting the b!tch and her kids......the money problems we went through because of his divorce left a very bitter taste in my mouth.

((((( hugs )))))

Add an ex who does her utmost to split us up and jealous step children, it is rubbish being the second wife. I was with my ex partner for 16 years but never married. My husband was married to his ex for 11 years. Being in a second relationship I can say that your expectations are so much lower. In the first it doesn't occur to you it won't last, in he second you know it may not. Have you asked him if he loves you and does he realise there are probs in your marriage. I went through this phase 6 months ago. But the more I confronted him the more he withdrew. In the end I was just a miserable nag. So I backed off stopped trying to reach him and slowly he started to notice me again. We still have major probs with step kids etc but between him and I he has started to pay more attention again. All I did was be in a permanently good mood( even if your not, pretend) . I always made sure I looked pretty, stopped excessive texting and phoning and basically he got bored in his own world. Men hate to talk about feelings and its really easy to get into the push and pull of attention. Since I stopped being clingy and needy he has come to me. Hope this helps abut.

I suspect you still love each other and that's what holds you. He sounds scared to be vulnerable again and you prob have angry wife syndrome now. Been there it hurts. Have another look at my previous comment. I realised I wasn't the woman he fell in love with anymore so I went back to being her. It involved loads of tongue biting and admitting my mistakes but eventually he started to change. And we did the I'm leaving tomorrow thing every fight. Still do sometimes. The reason it is always tomorrow is because neither of you wants to go but your so upset that you don't know what else to say. Hope you sort it out