Communication method that works?
Does anyone have a communication system in their stepfamily that works?
Does anyone have a communication system in their stepfamily in which the communication with the other bioparent is clear and transparent, with you as a step-parent and spouse?
Does anyone have a communication system in their stepfamily that really makes you feel included the majority of the time?
I am looking for some best practices. I want to know how you got to that point and how long it took you to get there.
It's been 3+ years for me and I still find that my DH resists putting systems in place that would just make it alll flow so much betterand give me a lot of reassurance. I just don't understand his reluctance for everything to be in the open. Is it just a 'man' thing? Or is it the 'person in the middle' syndrome'? I just dont get it, because if I was in his position I would have nothing to hideand our relationship would be so much smoother.
My dh and I have excellent
My dh and I have excellent communication. He never agrees to anything regarding SD that before speaking to me. We discuss parenting techniques. We discuss acceptable and unacceptable behavior. She is only 8 but we've discussed how we will handle requests for money for prom, college, a car, etc. We've discussed expectations. He never has a single conversation with McCrazy that I don't know about. I read all written correspondence before he sends it. He ASKS me well in advance if he needs me to care for his child - which he keeps to a minimum. He knows HOW I feel about his kid, but he also knows WHY I feel that way.
Communication is made up of three parts and both people have to buy into both parts. 1) both parties have to be honest and open 2) both parties have to be willing to HEAR, not just listen, but HEAR the other person and 3) both parties have to be willing to try to put themselves in the other person's shoes.
We don't throw accusations at each other. We never resort to swearing or name calling. EVER. We validate each other's opinions and concerns and we try to work toward a compromise if we can't agree.
This would be my dream life.
This would be my dream life.
Count yourself blessed if you
Count yourself blessed if you don't have to be in the middle! Not knowing if the bioparents are in high conflict or not, if they are it is best that DH buffers you from most of it except what directly effects you. DH is learning to tell me less as he knows he's responsible for handling TM and the children. ANd any drama and crap. I love him for that
IN what ways are you finding life detrimental the way things are now?
Not detrimental, but I feel
Not detrimental, but I feel like I should be the first one he makes a plan with, instead of BM, if it's about kids who will be at our house.
I feel like I should know when she talks crap about me and my kids, because I know that what she says gets to DH and he begins to believe her and give in to her because she makes him feel very guilty about marrying me and having more kids.
The detrimental thing is I don't trust DH because he will give her money and do her favors behind my back, even after we have discussed not doing it, he will do it anyway and then tell me afterward, and I am the only one who is angry and has to get over it.
BM has made it a point that I
BM has made it a point that I am nothing to her kids and she expects to deal only with their father, and I think DH hasn't done a great job of including me and showing her that we are a team.
Nope. It's team DH and BM against me instead.
Are you talking about
Are you talking about scheduling visiting days, vacations and such?
Or what crazy argument is now on-going.
Unless things are happening between the two exes that are messing up your life you're best left out of it.
Yup, scheduling and finances
Yup, scheduling and finances are the top 2.
They are so comfortable with each other that they decide for the weekend at last minute, so I can never make weekend plans.
And BM is always able to twist $ out of DH, and even if we agree not to, he still does and I am the one who has to cut back in our house.
DH and I now have great
DH and I now have great communication when it comes to the skids. But it's taken about 6 years to get here. It wasn't easy and we had alot of arguments. Almost called it quits twice. DH had a really bad experience with his stepmom and stepsiblings when he was growing up and because of that he kept my relationship with the skids at arms length. I finally called him on it about 5 years ago. We only have skids during the summer because we live so far away. He actually saw what he was doing and has made an honest effort to change. Now we discuss everything about skids, concerning money, punishments, b-day, and christmas presents.
Just last night, SD asked DH if she could go next door to play after dinner (DH works swings when skids are here), DH said you will need to ask SM if you can since I won't be here and she is in charge.
When it comes to BM, he gets information from her, doesn't agree to anything she asks for, tells her that he will speak with me and check the budget and let her know. That way I don't end up pissed off because he agreed to something we can't afford. I handle the finances and he doesn't know much about it.
We did go to counseling and sometimes that helps the situation.