What's a step parent to do?
I am a stepmother of a 13 year old girl. My husband and I have a 4 year old daughter. We have been married 7 years. I met my SD when she was 6. Looking back she was a brat but I knew some of that was due to the divorce she went through at age 3. I think we begin fighting when I started giving her baths/showers...she hated it and I feel like that fight hasn't ended. Of course she now takes showers but the fighting never ended. It just moved to other things. I've never been her friend...always the parent. Her dad has always worked alot and her and I have spent much time together. She is with us every other week. So, with him being gone so much, i am the primary disciplinarian. I have his support as well as her mothers, however, nothing I do works. I'm nice...I yell...I ground...I ignore...I don't know what else to do. She is so lazy, rude and disrespectful...and is nice when it benefits her. She is ADHD and is a depressed kid. She is currently not on any medication however is going to see a psychiatrist at the end of the month. I think she is bipolar as well. She feels her mother is in denial about her issues so I am her sounding board. I have been wanting to get her help for years but had difficulty getting both parents on board. So, when she NEEDS me because she is petrified of storms or she is depressed, she is nice to me. If she is on one of her highs she is nice to me...and when depressed or something hasn't gone her way (which is most of the time)...she is back to her rude self. Frankly, I feel used by her. I have done everything I know to do with that child and talked till I am blue in the face. NOTHING works or gets her attention. I love her so much...at the same time I can't stand to be around her. My husband says to stop arguing with her. I tell him she is the one arguing...about everything!! If she would just shut up or say OK when I ask her to do something, we'd be ok. But she as something to say about everything!! She'd argue with a rock. Her mom has mentioned having to move due to work (possibly out of state) and wants to take her with her. My husband says absolutely not. That if that happens, she will stay with us. HELP!! He is never home and it would be me she is with (most of the time)...NOT him! I can't get him to understand that intimately, SHE IS NOT MY CHILD!! He is not a step parent with someone else's child disrespecting him!! He said she is mine. I love her and treat her as if she were mine. Hell, I'm the only one who wants her to get the help she is begging for. I treat our 4 year old just like I do her and I am hard on both of them. I'm so tired of fighting about EVERYTHING!! Help please!
"I think we begin fighting
"I think we begin fighting when I started giving her baths/showers...she hated it and I feel like that fight hasn't ended"
THIS is where you say your problems began. WHY were you BATHING someone else's child??? Is it possible she felt uncomfortable/violated by dad's new lady and didn't like it? Why would you do this??
PS: I would have a MAJOR problem if my X's gf/dw/so bathed my children when they were small. It is inappropriate.
ETA: She's 13. I think a lot of what is bothering you can be summed up with that. She is acting like a normal teen girl. The good news is that most grow out of it in a few years. Some girls...well, they never do.
I think you just need to talk
I think you just need to talk to him and tell him YOU can't handle a full custody situation. That since most of the work is on YOU that you just dont think you are up for it. Perhaps if he arranged his work schedule so that he would be home to provide the primary care it would be an option, but if he is unwililng or unable then you just dont see how it will work.
I think it's her age! My SD11
I think it's her age! My SD11 and I are really close. I play the rule as friend and parent depending on situation. Ever since she turned 10 she started getting more distant from me and when I ask her to do something she never does it. Now I make her do it while I am watching. I also get more strict with her and said Listen I am the adult and you are the child and as long as you are in my home you have to contribute. We have a pool and she and her cousins constantly leave the towels in her room where she only lives 3 to 4 days a week. She never puts them in the laundry and I am constantly running out of towels. I finally gave up and told her dad to talk to her about picking them up and that seems to help. I think when they get a certain age they stop listening or wanting to do anything to help. I would just make her do things for herself. If not then let her learn what it's like when you don't do things for her. My SD never showered at her mother's why would always make her have one when she gets to our house. If she doesn't want to be clean she will get made fun of for smelling and then she will shower. Sometimes they have to learn on their own.
Things will get better if she
Things will get better if she is bipolar and they get her on the proper meds and she has counselling. I have been there myself and if she has the right support that will help her, but she has to be willing to help herself.
You can tell Dad that if the
You can tell Dad that if the kid moves in you're moving out but be prepared for an answer you don't want. Few steps consider the possibility of the kid moving in full time but it does happen.
Read this - the concept has helped thousands of step-parents and will allow you to concentrate on your kid as opposed to his:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I don't have a girl but is
I don't have a girl but is not a lot of her behavior just normal for any girl her age? I had a step-mother and we fought like that at that age but I would have fought with my real mother too. My granddaughter is 5 and she wants to argue about everything you tell her, she never shuts up. It sounds like she really loves you since she comes to you when she is scared or needs a "mother". I think its great that you are helping her get the help that she needs. Good luck.
I think you should tell your
I think you should tell your DH ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! You are the one who puts up with her. You are going to be miserable. We have his kids every other weekend and every Mon and Tue, so when it is our turn to have them in the weekend, it is actually 5 days in a row. We just changed to that schedule, we used to have them only 3 days a week. I am freaking out. If my DH told me that he wants them all the time, I would tell him that I love him dearly, but I love ME more. That's an absolute No-no. I learned my lesson.