I'm so hurt by my SD
I wrote my 13yo SD a letter on Monday because my heart was burdened and I felt like I needed to get alot off my chest. It was a nice letter, very loving, and explaining how I felt and just about life in general. I asked her to respond to me...that I didn't write the letter for nothing but that I'd like her feedback on it. It is now Thursday and she says she has a page written. I asked her to come home from school today to finish it because she is leaving for her mom's tomorrow and I don't think it's fair to me to wait 2 weeks for a response. Instead, she decided to go to the high school where her dad coaches football to hang out before the JV game. She sent me a text and it said..."Went to South, I made up my mind" after this morning she told me she'd come home. So, I asked her why and she said "because coming to South is fun." I text back, "So fun is more important than us...I'll remember that." I am so hurt by her lack of response. As I wrote on an earlier post, she says I am the only person she can talk to about her depression, fear of storms, etc. She is only good to me when it is convenient for her. I know tonight when she sees me at the game she is going to act like nothing has happened and gonna ask me for $. I think I'll just tell her to go ask her dad...I'm done with her!!
I agree with realnccoy.
I agree with realnccoy. Teenagers are funny creatures, bio or step. I think we just tolerate more from our bios. I know I have a BS and it seems these days the only time he needs me is for money or a ride and no matter how much I do it's never enough and it hurts sometimes.
She's a teen....she doesn't
She's a teen....she doesn't care about your feelings or much of anything else right now except friends & fun.
Just disengage....quit giving her so much power over you.
I agree this is mostly
I agree this is mostly teenage "stuff" they are pretty self centered at this age and do not think about how what they do makes others feel. I know she agreed to write back to you but maybe she does not have the words? You wrote here a letter maybe you should just sit down and discuss it with her? As an option. Sorry she hurt you but do remember she is a teen and even if she was you bio the same likely would have happened.
She's 13. She is a teenager,
She's 13. She is a teenager, which pretty much makes her selfish by nature.
I can understand writing a letter to express your thoughts & your feelings, but I think giving it to her with an assignment to reply is...I don't know...odd. It's like homework for feelings.
"I text back, "So fun is more important than us...I'll remember that."
------------------------------------------------------------------------
IMO, hardly fair. Your feelings are hurt because she didn't write you a letter in reply to the one you wrote her. She isn't your BFF. She's 13 & wants to be with her friends. That's normal.
She comes to you when she needs to talk. That's what kids are supposed to be able to do. If you feel burdened & need to have a conversation about life & feelings, talk to a friend. Don't put that on her. Don't guilt her into being your sounding board & friend.
The letter was explaining to
The letter was explaining to her that I wasn't her friend. I'm tired of feeling used. She is bipolar I think...we will find out at her appt at the end of this month and that can't come soon enough. By the way...I'm the one getting her help that she has begged me for...I finally got the mother's blessing to do so. Only when she needs me is she respectful or nice...other than that she is a selfish B! I love her...I really do,but I am so tired of the BS!! She wants me to trust her yet she lies all the time...she wants us to hangout but I have no desire to do so because she treats me like crap all the time. I'm just so stinkin tired. Something is always wrong with her...scared, depressed, hates life, nothing is fair. I've been trying for years to get her in counseling and on meds. She was on for about a year until her mother decided to jerk her off it. And I can't even get a THANKS from the child. She is such manipulator. Her appt at the end of the month is the only thing giving me some hope. I only want what is best for her.
This doesn't make her
This doesn't make her bi-polar. It makes her a teen. Simple as that. You may want to develop a thicker skin if you're going to survive the teen years.
I've had at least one teen in my house for over a decade. Nothing surprises me anymore and I don't "take no shit." I'd be realllly cautious about the bipolar thing. I've known a couple of teen girls (go figure) who were diagnosed and put on lithium. Guess what? They grew up, grew out of the miserable teen-bitch period, and are perfectly normal people. No more meds. No more bipolar. Last I checked, bi-polar isn't curable.
^^Totally agree. I'm still
^^Totally agree.
I'm still trying to understand why a grown woman wrote a 13 year old a letter with heavy emotional meaning.
First, I think you should speak with her face to face.
Second, you're expecting a young teen girl to interact with you like you're besties. That's too much, IMO. With my SD's, when they hit their teens (UGH) if there was anything I wanted to say to them, I kept it short, sweet, and direct.
You sound like you're trying to manipulate SD with guilt, and that's not ok.
I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. What prompted you to write the letter in the first place?
I wrote a letter instead of
I wrote a letter instead of sitting down talking to hr because I have tried everything I know to get through to this child. She said she actually like the letter. I thought if I wrote it, my thoughts would come out better...I didn't want to be interupted or end up mad because she just stares off into space and doesn't say anything when you are done. Nothing is ever her fault. I wrote the letter out of LOVE...and as I said earlier it was not a bad letter. My name on here is at my whits end for a reason. I'm trying everything I can to get through to her. I have talked till I am blue in the face!!!!
Is this your first experience
Is this your first experience raising a teen? If so, I feel for you. Man, it's a whole new ballgame with teens, and it's even more so when it's your step.
My first THREE teens in my house were steps. Holy hell. Now my bios are teens, too. I'm prepared. I've got my game face and armor on.
I wrote a letter instead of
I wrote a letter instead of sitting down talking to hr because I have tried everything I know to get through to this child. She said she actually like the letter. I thought if I wrote it, my thoughts would come out better...I didn't want to be interupted or end up mad because she just stares off into space and doesn't say anything when you are done. Nothing is ever her fault. I wrote the letter out of LOVE...and as I said earlier it was not a bad letter. My name on here is at my whits end for a reason. I'm trying everything I can to get through to her. I have talked till I am blue in the face
IMO, it sounds like you're
IMO, it sounds like you're expecting her to be to you what you are to her. It isn't going to happen. Your relationship with her isn't going to be an equal relationship, simply for the fact that you're a grown woman & she's a child.
Adults are expected to "be there" for children. Children should not be expected to "be there" for an adult.
She doesn't owe you a letter because you chose to write her one.
The text you replied to her..."So fun is more important than us...I'll remember that." is completely inappropriate. Choosing fun doesn't mean you're not important. As a grownup, that's something you should be teaching her. It isn't something she should be obligated to explain to you.
If your feelings are hurt because she went to hang out at the school instead of coming home to finish a letter to you, you're taking it waaaay too personally. You're expecting her to behave like a best friend, but she's a child.
I don't say this to be hurtful, but when I read your posts it reminds me of one of my sisters-in-law. When I was 12 I used to babysit for her & my brother every week while he was at work & she went to counseling.
She'd come home from her appointment & sit me down to discuss "life" with me. She went into the details of her emotionally distant mother's alcholism & her father's failure to "be there" when she needed him. She'd talk to me about her fears of having another child because she had an emergency C-section with her first & she'd sit me down to watch shows about childbirth & the complications that can come with it. When I finally told my mom I didn't want to babysit anymore because it was uncomfortable my SIL sent me a letter about how she felt she could count on me & she was hurt because she felt I'd turned on her.
I WAS 12!
Your SD is a child. She's going to behave like a child. She shouldn't be expected to reciprocate your heartfelt letter about life. Part of being an adult in a child's life is "being there" when she needs to talk. But being a child isn't supposed to require "being there" for an adult. Adults are supposed to count on other adults to do that so that children can be children.
Teenagers are selfish people. They NEED to be. They need to think about themselves. They need to figure out who they are & what's important to them. Those are the years they need to have to decide where they're going to go in life.
If you can't "be there" for her without getting butthurt by her behaving like a normal teenage girl, disengage. When she comes to you, send her to her mom or dad.
Ya know...maybe I am
Ya know...maybe I am expecting too much...and as far as the ADHD and depression,she has been dx by a Dr and given meds. I'm 99% sure she is bipolar...she it either HIGH or LOW...there is no happy medium for her. Both her parents feel the same way. She has been like this since she was 6 and she herself admits she thinks she is bipolar and has issues...cries and says she is in physical pain because she is so depressed. It's been a battle for 7 yrs and I have been the only one consistently pushing that she get help. Imagine trying to teach a kid how to be a responsible adult...how to make her bed, pick up after herself...the usual stuff...and still after 4 years she still doesn't make up her bed correctly. Honestly, it's the little things...that over a period of time you just say screw it! Honestly, I'm TIRED of trying. So.....last night I disengaged from her...I was polite when she asked to ride home with me from the game...told her she could ride home with her dad. This isn't about her being a teenager. Trust me when I tell you...some of it is being a teenager...multiplied by her other issues. I haven't given up on her...if that were the case I'd of cx her appt. But I love her. And the letter wasn't all emotional. She said she liked the letter and did eventually respond...I wasn't too impressed and neither was her dad...but she did respond. And the last thing I want is for her to be my BFF. U R right..I am the adult...but I am TIRED!