My SD stole from me and then treats me like crap
Basically, I have a 21 year old SD who is a spoiled brat. She gets everything she wants and appreciates nothing. She's in college, in a sorority (which she claims she would be suicidal without it), and she is so mean and hateful. She is mean to her dad and when she's mad, she calls him by his first name. During Christmas, she stole my anxiety medication. Did she take one pill? Oh no! She had the nerve to take the whole dang bottle. She claims to be "depressed" yet her Facebook shows her having fun with her little sorority sisters every day. So, I offer to try and aid to get her help. I called her insurance company to verify her benefits, talked to her stepdad and even put my pride to the side to call her mom. They took her in to see a psychiatrist but it didn't work out because it wasn't a "good fit". The doc told her to put her life on pause and go to rehab. She said that she wasn't a f***** DVD player and she's not going to put her life on pause. I can't believe she would even talk to a doctor that way. Long story short, a few days later my stupid self texts her to check on her. I actually felt bad for her and wanted her to know I was there. She went off on me telling me that we don't give her enough money and she needs a hell of a lot more than what we give her. By the way, she is angry because we asked to see her credit card statements and banking statements to see what she has been up to. I tried to do a good thing and as always, I'm treated like crap. I don't know how much more I can take. Anyway, she told me to leave her alone and as bad as this sounds, I felt relief. I'm more than happy to leave her alone. She is abusive to my husband and I and I'm sick of it. As far as my husband goes, he's pretty much done. At least for now! He goes back and forth so much but I do know he hasn't had contact with her in a few days since she was so disrespectful. I show her texts to my closest friends and they can't believe how she treats me. I just wish she was out of my life for good and I know that's not possible. So..here is where I am at. I will not be texting her whatsoever and don't care to have a relationship with her. I am so angry that all I feel is hatred. I have dealt with this attitude for years. Here is where I need help. How can I tell her in an adult manner that I won't tolerate her rudeness and I don't want to have a close relationship with her. I'm sick of pretending everything is ok when she's here. She's very polite when she's at my house and even acts nice but a big part of me thinks it's an act. It's all about money with her. I just want nothing to do with her anymore because to be honest I can't live with this anger and hatred I'm feeling in my heart right now. I feel depressed and tearful. I feel stupid for reaching out to her especially after the many times she has been rude. I'm not the type to discourage my husband from having a relationship with her. If he wants to be treated that way for whatever reason, so be it. I have warned him over and over again and I'm done with that too. I just need help on what to say to her. She refuses to ever talk on the phone so it will have to be via text and of course she will show it to her mom and I can't get into that drama. I have known this kid since she was 7 and she's always had an attitude. The sick thing is..I feel like a bad person telling her I don't want to be around her. Please help. I'm depressed and I have had enough. This is affecting my mental well being. Thanks for listening. And yes..I know I'm an idiot. She is mean and I still TRY to be nice. I need to be honest on this board. I have grown to despise her and can't stand who she is. If my husband ever dies, I will never see or speak to his kids ever again.
She has been buying Adderall
She has been buying Adderall while in college, borrowed Hydrocodone, and stole my prescription medication. Keep in mind..I'm only hearing probably 10% of what she's actually doing. It may come across that I'm anxious but I'm angry. And yes, I'm more angry at myself than anyone else. I do NOT plan on contacting her again. Lesson finally learned this time. I guess it took me a few years to finally get it. Here is what I want to know..it's not if she texts me its when she texts me. She will need something soon and she will text. Do I just ignore her? In my opinion, I feel like that is immature and I feel like I should communicate with her AFTER she attempts communication with me and tell her basically I'm tired of her treating me this way and don't care to have a close relationship with her. I'm tired of pretending everything is ok when she's here when it isn't. She is only nice when she's here because she wants something and within just a few days (very predictable), she will be rude again. It always happens.
If she wants to come here to see her dad, I just don't want to be here. That's all. And I don't even mind leaving. I don't care if she thinks she is running me off. She can't stand her father anyways so she won't stay long. I told my husband tonight I do not want her to be here during the holidays this year as she has ruined both of them. That's the only time I don't want her here in the house.
I just want to be prepared for when the text comes and know what to say. I don't want to be hateful. I'm not a hateful person but I want her to know I don't want a close relationship with her yet I will always encourage a relationship between her and her father. I feel that way because when I was 6, my dad remarried a woman with two kids who wanted him to have nothing to do with me. He chose her and her children. He barely had any contact with me until I was about 18. I guess I try so hard not to be the evil stepmom that I have allowed myself to get pushed around. By the way, the last thing on my mind is not having the medication so please don't think that. It's the fact she came into my home and stole from me and who knows what else she has taken. She comes in the house and always checks out the drawers and cabinets and always needs to go to our bedroom to use our bathroom. I never thought anything about it before until this. Am I hurt because of the way she treats me? Of course I am! I have done nothing to her except shown her love and no matter what I do, I'm the bad person. I guess I just give up. I have truly given up. And I hate feeling hatred in my heart. This is not like me but I do feel this way. She is a mean and hateful person and I just kept hoping she would be better but she has only gotten worse.
I went through the same 'nice
I went through the same 'nice calls' with my Mother who would call looking for 'narcissistic toxic fuel' so she could nail me during the next call or cause problems with other family members. We still talk to each other on the phone but the conversation goes like this: Mom, "What have you been doing lately?" Me, "Oh nothing, how about you?" No information at all. Your SD will finally stop calling or texting.
You lost these two girls when
You lost these two girls when you left and divorced their father. Then DH and you used the girls as the 'middle man' with both DH and you pouring out your troubles and blues about each other to the girls.
They don't trust you anymore. What was 10-12 years ago will never be again. When they come to your home they have treated you civilly but when it's one on one and outside your home contact, they've made it pretty clear they don't want a relationship with you. The girls use DH and you now for what they can get of the two of you. yet since remarrying your DH (their father) you've knocked yourself out trying to go back to what was. You need to let them go. If they want a relationship with their father, that's up to him as to if, when, where and how. But you need to stop on your end. Don't take their phones calls and texts. Simply redirect them to their father as this is no longer your interest. Stop trying to win them back.
You no longer have to be that 'good' SM. You don't longer have to try and 'love' them. These are adult women now and they are never going back to the little girls and/or teens that use to have such a close bond with you. They don't want one now. Accept it. Focus on your DH and your marriage. Focus on your home life and making it together as man and wife.
If the girl has now started stealing from your home, you have every right to ask your DH to see them outside your home. Stop hosting them in your home. If your DH wants to do lunch once in a while with one or both of his adult daughters? Let him. Do something you enjoy doing yourself that afternoon. When your DH has had his fill of their rudeness and bullshit he will have to figure out for himself that he too is ready to cut them loose.
It will take you a while to truly disengage from these girls. Yes, you can physically disengage. You can close your front door to them. But to be comfortable and not angry over it all? That part takes time and it takes a serious desire to do so on your part. But that? That is what you need to do to enable yourself to let them go. When that point comes for you, it will no longer affect you the way it all does now. Close your pocketbook Stop trying to buy their love and relationship back. The more you try the more they will continue to hurt you. Again, focus on your home, your husband, your own happiness and life. Join a club, get a volunteer project interest, give your time and heart to something like being a 'grandma' to a classroom reading or animal shelter. Each day you focus on yourself and your own life and happiness the easier it will be to let the crazy go.
Thanks for the advice. Yes, I
Thanks for the advice. Yes, I made mistakes a few years back and I get pulled back in because they act like everything is great when they need something. You are right. Things will never be the same and that is the way it is. I will move on and hopefully heal. This is not easy but it's doable.
I hate to say this but keep
I hate to say this but keep her out of your house!! Tell your husband it is your home too and you deserve peace. If he wants to visit her he can do it elsewhere. Take control without using your cool.
I understand I wanted to be the best step mom ever but sometimes life isn't what you plan. Next time call the cops if she steals from you.
Thank you for understanding
Thank you for understanding
Why have a conversation with
Why have a conversation with her at all? Just cut her off financially, this will give her clarity in a hurry regarding how much you and your DH do support her, and most importantly quit serving yourself up as her whipping post.
End of problem.
Keep large amounts of your anti depression meds easily accessable, have her arrested every time she steals them, and as her tension rises with her arrest record for med theft and after being cut off financially she may eliminate the problem herself.
Just sayin.
IMHO, you should make an
IMHO, you should make an appointment with a therapist for YOUR mental health.
This girl is technically an adult. She is NOT your bio - do NOT give her any of your money. IF your DH allows her back into your home, she should NEVER be allowed to be anywhere alone in the house except the bathroom because she cannot be trusted. She is a thief. Do NOT keep your medication in the bathroom unless it is in a locked cabinet/closet.
We had a problem with S12 stealing, but he is a child. If he brings a backpack into our home, it will be searched before he leaves so...he no longer brings one and the stealing has stopped.
Thank you all so much!!! Ok
Thank you all so much!!! Ok so I'm not responding at all. I will ignore the calls. I don't want a relationship with her and I told DH last night. I basically had a mini breakdown (didn't cry) but he says he's on my side. He said he will do whatever I say and what is best for our home. I'm just hoping he doesn't forget this!!! I feel more at peace today. Last night was tough but I decided that I'm not going to let this horrible person keep doing this to me. Life is too damn short.
By the way, as far as the pills. They are pills for anxiety. I suffer from anxiety. My mother was tragically killed when I was 18 and it's very hard sometimes because I saw it happen and I survived. That's the reason for the depression and the anxiety.
I keep it on hand for really bad anxiety attacks.
"she is angry because WE
"she is angry because WE asked to see her credit card statements..." One thing that will really help is to take the "we" out of the equation. This is DH's hell spawn, let him deal with her. Read up on disengaging and start practicing it. Don't follow her on Facebook and for god's sake LOCK UP YOUR MEDS!!!