About to leave my husband over my step-daughter
My husband and I have been married for 10 years now. We have 3 kids together. My daughter, 15, his daughter, 14, and our son, 9. I have always had sort-of a rocky relationship with my step-daughter, but it has gotten really bad in the last year.
It started going really sour sometime last summer. I don't really recall exactly what happened, but it involved her mother and older sister (who is not my husband's daughter). To make a long story short, her mother and I had a decent relationship off and on as well as her sister. Her sister had just had a baby at the age of 18, and I helped her enroll in college which she just dropped out of. Anyway, she has made a lot of poor choices, just as we all have. After trying to give her some motherly advice, both the mother and sister subsequently blocked me on Facebook and stopped talking to me altogether. This is when my relationship with my step-daughter started to turn.
To try and mend things a bit, I got my step-daughter a tablet for Christmas. To which her response when she opened the gift, "What do I need this for? I just got a kindle and an ipod from my mom." This obviously hurt my feelings and made me angry. Rather than thanking me for the gift and accepting it, she acts like a spoiled brat and practically throws it in my face. This obviously did not help our relationship any.
A couple months later, she calls her dad and tells him that she doesn't want to come to our house anymore. (She lives with her mom mostly and visits every other weekend and during the summer.) Torn up by this, my husband doesn't know what to do. I told him that he needs to stop giving into her. He has always been very easy on her and much stricter with our other 2 kids. So he eventually told her that that wasn't an option and he and her mother went to mediation.
Well, fast forward to 2 weeks ago. She was at her mother's for the weekend, so I sent her a random text message saying, "Hi. I love you!" I sent this on Friday afternoon. She didn't come back to our house til Monday night. She did not once respond to my text even ignoring about 10 calls, declining the last 3 or 4 calls, I made throughout Monday to find out her work schedule for the week to coordinate babysitting for my son the rest of the week.
Yes, I was hurt and angry. My husband eventually guilted her into apologizing. Which fixed things, temporarily.
Today, I talked to the girls (both my daughter and step-daughter) about saving some money for our trip to Arizona and California in December. My step-daughter's reaction... "I don't wanna go." Okay, I was confused. We had been talking about this trip for a couple months now, so what has changed. She was very excited about the trip, but now...? My husband talked to her mother about it, to which she replied, "But we have a family tradition of being together on Christmas." Okay, aren't we her family, too? We are going to AZ and CA to visit my parents and brother and sister-in-law. Then of course, Disney and such... What kid would not want to go?
I don't get it. My husband and I got into another fight over her, because I told her she was acting like her older sister. Okay, well she was. I am tired of fighting with my husband over this kid. I can't do anything right by her. I try and include her in things and then I end up doing something wrong which leads to another fight with my husband.
I can't take this anymore!
You poor soul, I have been
You poor soul, I have been through this for the last 9 years with my SD I tried so hard to get her to like me and i failed miserably, the more you do the more she will hate you, the less you do the more she will hate you, you cannot win, I would try to concentrate on other things like your own Daughter, sometimes we concentrate too much on people that do not care and over look the ones that do, leave your husband to be her parent, back right away but I would explain you actions to her, the less you do for her the less she can hurt you. If you love your husband do not let her ruin your marriage its not his fault. My heart really goes out to you, you sound just like I was loving, generous and just trying to be part of one happy family. Sadly your SD refuses to let you in, give up on the idea you can change this I know it hurts but eventually you will find she grow a thicker skin against her it took me years but I am now in a happier place. When you go to give advice or buy SD something stop yourself focus on your BD instead it takes time but you will get the hang of it. My advice is never lower yourself to her level always be nice and your husband will see her for what she is. Keep your head held high, dont let her see you are hurting. Good luck
I don't see anythere here to
I don't see anythere here to cause a divorce. I know you've put a lot into her upbringing and you really do care for her but she's pushing her independence right now. Let her and for heavens sake stop argueing with your husband over her. It's not worth it and by all means let her stay behind - it's her loss and when she hears about the good times she'll experience the consequences of her actions.
It's a difficult time for her - let her be and let her bio-parents be the hard noses. You just stay out of it. In a few years she'll come to appreciate what you've done but if you start WW III now it'll just add more time to the seperation. Maybe make it permanent. Hands off for now. This article will help:
http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html
I agree with turtles. Time to
I agree with turtles. Time to disengage.....it could save your marriage.
You are all right in that I
You are all right in that I should back off and let her dad deal with her. I have actually tried to take this stance in the past only to have my husband tell that "She is [my] daughter, too. All the kids are ours." He is the one with the fantasy that SD and I can somehow magically have a perfect relationship if I stop being so angry all the time. I bend over backwards more for his sake than for hers. Granted, I do love my SD, but I do not like her very much when she is acting like her older sister. I admit that BM and older sister and I have some bad blood between us that I tend to let that influence my actions and attitude towards SD. It's wrong I know. Yet the times I try to overcome that seem inconsequential when she goes and does something hurtful despite any efforts of mine.
I would like to take the "disengaging" stance once more, but I know my husband will not approve. But I am at a point where I really don't care anymore.
I would take it as blessing
I would take it as blessing that she doesn't want to go. You have done enough for her and it is not appreciated. It is time for you to be done. Invest your time in your daughter. How many times are we as SM suppose to be treated this way and just swallow it? We have feelings. We are human. We matter. I don't care how old she is kids need to be taught to treat people with respect. This girl is just being mean because she can. Don't give her any more chances to get to you. DO NOT TEXT HER ANYMORE. Heck block her. Seriously.
The harder one tries to make
The harder one tries to make someone like them, the worse the situation gets. You cannot "make" someone like you or accept you. And the more you try to make your SD like you, the more power you give her over you.
When she didn't answer your text, why did you continue to phone her? What was the point?
Go on about your life. Disengage. Stop giving her so much power over you.
I'd have taken a walk a long
I'd have taken a walk a long time ago too if the wife and I didn't have anything left.