Sick to my stomach. Will BM email/call and ruin the weekend at the last moment again?
...
I seem to be "wrong" for feeling this way lately but, it is starting to make me sick. I WANT to perhaps for once in years go ahead and maybe make plans for the weekend with DH and BS1 (hello? this kid too?) BUT I am sitting here dreading the weekend again, already. I WANT to take BS1 to the freaking beach, just one time, before it starts getting too cool, and while we have the shekels, but will BM email and or call us "up" with the normal shit of;
" SS8 says HE wants to come over, on blah blah blah", which just means that BM wants another "break" and does the normal song and dance of putting SS8 on the spot or just in general, using guilt to make DH cave in, at the last moment of course.
Let me chime in and go ahead and tell you that SS8, BM, and sugar step have just got back from a 2 week vacation, and just had 3 trips proior to this one?! SS8 has not been just neglected, by far, but my BS1 has been because of the lack of money coming in lately because of BM and her C/S . Man would I love to have that kind of money for BS1!!! (never will happen). :?
I am ready to go ahead and email BM MYSELF and ask her that from NOW ON, there has to be a 3 day notice and or PLAN about SS8 because, hello? BS1 and MYSELF might have plans or a life too? DH does not have the balls to do it, so I am. I'm not sitting at my laptop for the next 3 days wondering if this will happen, AGAIN.
How should I handle this situation without looking like a monster here?
I would set the boundaries
I would set the boundaries with DH that you are taking BS to the beach this weekend come hell or high water. And do it! Screw SS8 and DH and BM. Someone has to stop the dynamic. You don't need your life held hostage to a controlling BM and a passive DH.
I couldn't agree more! I'm
I couldn't agree more! I'm going to the beach with or without my husband.
My experience is you have to
My experience is you have to look like the monster. Your dh is paying cs based on a schedule. At the very least BM should have to keep the kid when you have plans (assuming you made the plans on a day that wasn't yours on the schedule).
You deserve a life. Being a second wife shouldn't mean being second. being a second child shouldn't mean you're less of a priority. BS1 already suffers financially because of BM and SS8. He shouldn't have to be shoved aside based on the schedule, too.
I've had this conversation with my dh. It wasn't easy, but I basically told him that it is his job to hold BM responsible for the kid. She can throw all the guilt she wants in his direction. It only works if he lets it. He has nothing to feel guilty about. He is allowed to have a life just like BM and BM should not be in charge of that life. She shouldn't get to dictate the terms of your downtime. She wants full custody and the support that goes with it, she gets the responsibility that goes with it.
Strict adherence to the
Strict adherence to the written court order is how I brought my ex into line. Neither gave her a minute nor asked for one myself. After she realized mutual co-operation worked in her best interest also I was able to trade a few weekends with her without fear of her trying to take advantage.
Do they not have a court
Do they not have a court order that dictates parenting time?
And no, you cannot email her and make up a new 3 day notice rule. This is between your husband and his ex. If he cannot say no, then he is the problem, not her. All he has to say is "Sorry, I'll be out of town this weekend."
Is there something stopping you from taking your son to the beach? I know you want your husband to go along, but I would not lose out on a beach opportunity because of my husband and his ex wife's inability to communicate a schedule.
I think that BS1 has the
I think that BS1 has the right to go onb a treip to the beach with BOTH his mom and dad. I know for a fact that SS8 had trips/ galore.
Quit comparing your 1 year
Quit comparing your 1 year old son's to your SS's trips. The two are not comparable. Your husband has two children that both deserve his love and attention. If your husband cannot say no to his ex then he is the problem.
Your son absolutely has that
Your son absolutely has that right, but that is up to your dh. You can't dictate your dh's relationship with BS1 anymore than you can dictate what BM does. You define your relationship with your son. Dh defines his. If dh can't stand up to BM, then he is making a choice. He is telling both you (and BS) that his first life is more important. BS1 is too young now, but someday he will recognize that dad's priority is making sure SS8's wants are met. It will be sad, but it will be on dh.
That thought makes me sick. I
That thought makes me sick. I will not let my kids go through that pain.
It should make you sick, but
It should make you sick, but there isn't anything you can do about it. Your job is to help him cope with that pain. You can't protect him from it. You can't define a relationship between two people when you're not one of those people. You can try to discuss it with your dh. You can tell him how you feel. You can try to give him insight as to how his behavior can be construed by your son as you get older, but you can't force him to tell BM no so he can bond with BS.
Does your DH agree that he
Does your DH agree that he should go on a trip to the beach with BOTH his mom & dad? If he feels the same about it, he'll tell BM so.
As has been mentioned, you can't just make up a 3-day rule. There is an order for a reason. Plan your trip on a weekend you are not obligated to have SS. If your DH doesn't have it in him to tell BM "no", take your son to the beach & leave your DH with his son. Maybe it isn't so important to your DH to take this trip with only one of his children.
The number of vacays your SS has been on is irrelevant. Your SS has 2 homes to participate with while your son has 1. Certainly if you had 2 young bio-sons you wouldn't pick one to take on vacation & leave the other one at home.
This is just as much a DH issue as it is a BM issue. They're discussing & agreeing on things regarding their child together. It seems you're the only one not in agreement.
LMAO I DO have TWO KIDS. I
LMAO I DO have TWO KIDS. I don't take both? What? One is a mere toddler? There is nothing wrong with a chil;d spending time solo, with their birth parents. BOTH of them.
Every other kid in this mix has had that before. BS1 deserves it too?
I don't think it's wrong to
I don't think it's wrong to take your son without SS, & I'm not saying BS doesn't deserve it. I don't think it's about what your BS1 "deserves" though. A 1-year old isn't going to care who is there. This isn't a vacation he's going to remember at a year old.
It's about what you want. You want a trip for 3 instead of 4. It isn't wrong to want that, so why try to make it about what a 1-year old "deserves"?
But your DH has to be willing to go along with it as well.
agreed*
agreed*
BM has full custody and full
BM has full custody and full C/S. There is zero schedule. They "let" SS8 decide when he wants to come over?
You both are right on. thank you so much. Should I email BM and throw her the news that there must be some kind of advance notice from now on?
I really think it has to come
I really think it has to come from your dh. She isn't going to care what you think. She will simply ignore your email or call your dh and tell him that she has the RIGHT and SS8 has the RIGHT to demand he be a father at their beck and call.
He really needs a CO. The only way to have boundaries and to alleviate your dh's fear that BM might retaliate against him saying no to her demands is to have a CO.
Sorry BUT I would not let my
Sorry BUT I would not let my own kids dictate everyones schedule. That is a bit rude.
I know, right?!
I know, right?!
Are you going to send it as
Are you going to send it as you or as DH? Either way...it is not going to stop anything.
Tell your DH that you are looking forward to a weekend of just you three. Not that you don't love skid visit (try not to laugh out loud) but need some bonding time with him and your son. Your DH needs to step up if she calls this weekend and just tell her that you can't take the skid.
He does NOT have to offer an explanation! It took me a while to get that through to DH.
FYI – I think the email is a bad idea.
I also want to add...your DH
I also want to add...your DH needs to set a schedule and stick to it. That is crazy to not have any schedule at all!!
BM has full custody...
BM has full custody...
I just took some deep breaths
I just took some deep breaths and realized that the email from me would be a bad idea. (thanks)
It would make DH look eeven more like a coward. Think about it. You're right, I'll go ahead and state my ideas to DH today in regards to the weekend.
GOOD LUCK!!! Hope it works!
GOOD LUCK!!! Hope it works!
BTW? How could a kid who
BTW? How could a kid who can't tell time or read a calender know when Sunday is really?
BM:
" SS8 said he wants to come over on... SUNDAY."
" SS8 said he wants to come
" SS8 said he wants to come over on... SUNDAY."
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That is BM speak for ... "I have plans Sunday and need SS to be with you."
...That is BM speak for ...
...That is BM speak for ... "I have plans Sunday and need SS to be with you."
NO KIDDING? And DH is too stupid to add 2+2 =4...
I am like "HELLO???! I have
I am like "HELLO???! I have been a BM for 2 freaking decades?! I think I "know" what this newbie BM is kind of up too ?"
grr*
Sorry, but I have just got to
Sorry, but I have just got to tell you guys this; I was in the car with SS8 just last weekend and he had the nerve to ask me, "How much money does my daddy have? When will my daddy get a job with money? SugarStepDad is RICH and gives my mommy cards to pay with."
Anyway, I was floored. IF that had been one of my kids? Grrrrrrrrr
That REALLY sounds like a kid wanting "bonding time".
Yes, it's a great thing for
Yes, it's a great thing for parents to take a baby to the beach together. One of the best things you can do in my opinion. So tell DH that you want to do this and you don't want your weekend cut short with a SS visit this time.
Then--if he caves like a ball-less wonder, go anyway! You will have fun and your DH will have to take the consequences of his decisions. How else will he learn?
This setup needs to change. DH is caught in a bind. He can't have a life because SS (BM) at any moment might decide to visit. If DH says no, he looks like he doesn't want his son. This is absurd. He needs to tell BM that he would like to plan visits in advance. Drill it into his head--there is nothing wrong with having a life! If BM feels that bad about SS seeing DH, then give over custody or split 50-50. She wouldn't put up with random visitation, you can bet your booty!
I JUST shot off an email to
I JUST shot off an email to DH explaining my plans for the weekend. We shall see, right?
Yes, he does need to explain this situation to BM. It is rude to do last minute things, IMHO.
He will look like the bad guy sitting here this weekend, ALONE because of BM intrusion. I can only imagine him here, with SS8, having to think about his wifew and baby, off alone, at the beach.
And yes, this mom can still wear a bikini!!!
}:) }:) }:)
Here you go, NOT that this is
Here you go, NOT that this is in any way the responsiblity of that BM.
" Hello, BM? I'm sorryt about the last minute notice on you and your husband BUT, blah blah blah wants to come over?"
Can you imagine?
... "tick, tock, tick,
... "tick, tock, tick, tock"...
no reply back yet from DH, of course in regards to "my" requests.
Intresting.
Interesting even* I am smart
Interesting even* I am smart but type way too fast on this thing. I can't type worth a damn.
Full custody doesn't mean no
Full custody doesn't mean no visitation schedule.
Our is EOW and BM has full custody- no official agreement. It is what it is. That said, BM had had DH's balls. She decides if and when the kid comes over, but it has been more or less regular.
You must have a schedule. Before I came along, it was loosey/goosey. Not anymore.