Well. I've learned *my* place in all of this sh**.
...
Hi everyone! 
I've been trying for quite a while to get a "grip" on my emotions with all of this step-stuff and, I've either given up completely, or just don't care anymore. After all, what can I do right now anyway?
That's life. Yes, it hurts. I am angry, resentful, disrespected and not really ever "listened" to either BUT, are BS1 and myself just supposed to waltz out to the cold streets right now or should I not use a wee bit of wisdom in my years and just stfu for now and just smile and treat this like a financial situation for the short term?
Pros: New car shall be paid off, in another 6 months. BS1 will be an older toddler, thus allowing me to get back to *MY* career. DH is paying my medical and dental insurance through his place of employment. BS1 and I have our own home. DH picks up the "slack" right now, for the utility bills.
Cons: BS1 and I drive off and really have no living family to go to. My current car is an old one. I am not bringing in enough shekels right now to support the two of us on our own. Loss of insurance. I would have to give up (until court) the home and new car.
I can't stand this but, it is life. I have to think of the well being of BS1. I saw after this weekend, where BS1 and myself are on DH's totem pole, in comparison to his other son, SS8. DH NEVER gets up on time and I get up, make the coffee, take care of BS1, make DH's lunch, and off DH goes to work. WHEN SS8 is here, DH gets up early, makes the coffee, offers HIS son milk, breakfast, helps his put on his school clothes, and acts all HAPPY while SS8 is here. Also, he lets his son, SS8 BLABBER the whole time, talking over me, walking around the neighborhood. I AM INVISIBLE.
I feel very insecure here, to be honest. I could say "something" but it won't do any good. I've tried so, so, so many times and I am either being too sensitive, jealous or..."I" need therapy.
So, I live in icky home of once BM, DH, and SS8 and both myself and BS1 are pretty much boarders here. I don't like it. DH does not get up like that EVER for BS1 in the mornings. Yes, it did tick me off that he got his EIGHT year old son MILK this morning, and did not even think about getting BS1 anything as well. I HAD TO DO IT.
So, IF SS8 is here more and more because he has his sucker of a daddy here and daddy lets him play outside past dark, watching TV on a school night, not enforcing anything. I can see that we will not make a shit if we are even here, or not.
Oh yes, and DH is paying high C/S to BM and BM did not pack school clothes so now DH is coming to ME and asked me for cash tro go buy his son a school shirt. Oh yes, and I paid for the fast food yeasterday too. BS1 and I share our food. SS8 had to have a stupid KIDS MEAL that costs much more money, and sat there with the toy in front of BS1 , who was crying...
Advice please???
Here is the deal. Daycare
Here is the deal. Daycare right now for BS1 is almost half of what would be my paycheck, every week, in THIS economic situation here in the USA. DH lost a VERY high paying job as I was already FIVE months pregnant and has since taken a horrid pay cut, as in almost min. wage. So, I do odds and ends in IT here out of the home.
It will not pay to go back to my old job, right now. With his pay cut, BS1 daycare AND C/S. it stinks for me.
It is sad to have to live this way but, a woman does what she has to do. I am VERY tired of his laziness though when it is just me, him and BS1. He takes total advantage of my kindness. Yes, it did tick me off this morning about the milk. I regress though, yelling about it does no good and he just gets mad. His son is way behind in school as well. NMP?
He still can't read, has zero
He still can't read, has zero concept of "time." ie; can't tell it is getting "dark" to come home, etc.
No, both his parents are not catching on like I am and BM ignores it. Sad.
I taught SS8 how to "wash his hair" last night at bath, he did it alone, while daddy was out doing yard work at 9 o'clock at night instead of helping his son.
We let him go play with a friend and told him that dinner was cooking and to be back in 15 mins., dad finally went an hour later, at dark, to go get his son, when I asked him why he was not back in 15 mins. he started crying and saying that he could not tell what time "it was.," Hello? Isn't it getting dark??? Daddy fell for the crying act. I say he cried because he got busted.
To add: I REALLY love to
To add:
I REALLY love to decorate. I do admit that I am one to redecorate and rearrange the furniture, a lot but when I see something; let's say second hand at a bargain, i.e; a new light fixture, here is what DH will say to me:
Icky DH, BM, and SS8 home: " DH: I like things to stay the SAME , once I like something. Why change it?"
Because, dumbass, I want to make it MY home as well? That is what races through my mind, FYI.
My advice is to quietly start
My advice is to quietly start empowering yourself. If you've done all you can to save and fix your marriage and nothing changes, then you don't have to punish yourself by staying. Things don't have to be perfect when you leave but I do understand you need to make it as seamless as possible for sake of BS1. First step is to start saving or making more shekels. If you have stuff to sell, sell it in yard sale or ebay or craigslist. Pocket the cash. Put back $20 here and there until you have savings to get moved out. You'll be amazed at how creative you can get & until you have a goal.
Start searching out health care for yourself and son. There are newer less expensive options rolling out now from the Major players like Blue-cross and the Independents. You may only get basic coverage to start but that's better than nothing.
By "old car" do you mean breaking down, sputtering and smoking or just older? I have an Old car- 2003. But I can drive that sucker from East to West Coast if I needed to. Sure I'd take it slow and have triple AAA on standby but still... lol. Old doesn't mean unreliable so don't dismiss your current resources.
Having a plan helps you focus on something, keeps your hopes up as you know the end of this darkness is coming and you can find happiness again in time. It may take you a while to be able to go but you'll feel so good that you were able to go.
Thank you! Yes, the
Thank you!
Yes, the pre-marital car that is in my name is not in condition to even make a short trip. Really bad. I've been paying on the NEW car with DH for 4 years now and in another 4-6 months, it will be paid off and my name is to be added to the title then. He promised me. Do I trust him with this? NO. In al;l honesty but if he tried anything, I would just nail him in court for both the house AND new car.
Can you tell I have been doing the math here?
YES. IF bought during
YES. IF bought during marriage. IF paid off during marriage, as well.
If not mutually decided upon
If not mutually decided upon as a couple before a final hearing, yes, the judge decides. It can go smooth, or start WW3.
smart, in every aspect.
smart, in every aspect.
I would sell stuff but IO
I would sell stuff but IO have never in my life, seen a person NOTICE when "stuff" is missing. OCD. Big time.
So very sorry things have
So very sorry things have come to this, but glad you recognize the situation and know you have to eventually get out when you can instead of just staying for the sake of staying.
I wish you the best and I'd do as a few others here have suggested: put small amounts of money aside whenever you can, get to a good state of mind by empowering yourself and try to disengage from both DH and SS...
I hope things work out for you.
Thank you. I will do what I
Thank you. I will do what I have to do. I have truly been very loved in life, ONCE. He died 6 years ago though.
So, I've been loved once in life and have two beautiful boys, and my first grandbaby on the way VERY soon. I'll be a young grandma, but SO VERY proud of my life.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
I'm so sorry for your loss. I finally (after two failed marriages) found the love of my life. I can trust him with my heart. It's amazing.
I do hope you find happiness
Your husband should be
Your husband should be getting up in the morning and taking care of your stepson. That is his job when his child is there. If he is not helping you with your mutual son then you should sit down and tell him to help you out once in a while. Or just say "get BS milk". If your husband has to borrow money from you for McDonald's then maybe he shouldn't be going out to eat. Don't give it to him.
Regardless of how the car is titled, it is marital property if purchased during your marriage. It does not matter if your name is on it or not.
The car was not purchases
The car was not purchases during our marriage. It was purchased one year prior. I do know that if I have paid on it for 4 years and have paid over half into the payoff, it is technically half mine and not one family court would leave a mom sand baby without a dependable vehicle. The house , I am sure, would also be awarded to me as the primary caregiver and provider for BS1. I seriously (from experience) can not see a judge awarding DH both, the house and car in question. THAT is my financial reasoning for waiting a few months for this car to be paid off. Home plus car.
Oh yes, and C/S.
...
DH had a look of worry on his face. SS8 had gone in to the nursery with a GLASS of milk and I did not know it but had got BS1 a sippy cup full of his normal OJ. A GLASS IN THE NURSERY??????????????????
I thought I read the house
I thought I read the house was his and his ex's house?
*Quit Claimed* BM. I am now
*Quit Claimed* BM. I am now legally the authorized "other" party. All filed in the courts.
Right but it was still his
Right but it was still his pre marriage, right? If that is the case I don't think you'd automatically get it by sheer fact of being a woman with a child. He is a man with two minor children, and that home was also the (former) nuclear home of his 8 year old child.
It is really hard to exit a marriage without a job/financial means. I think this is why a lot of women stay so long in miserable marriages.
Good point. Here is the
Good point.
Here is the beef:
This home was awarded to bm to be refinanced within two years after divorce. BM met sugarstepdaddy and mo9ved him in with her and SS8... Sugarstepdad did not like the home SO BM quit claimed it, moved out with sugarstep and was awarded full custody of SS8, I grabbed it up out of almost foreclosure and now am on the mortgage.
I would have sold this BUT DH seemed stuck in his illusions.
Ok, I will play devil's
Ok, I will play devil's advocate.
Your DH does take care of his son while he is there, but not your bio together. He works outside the home and youdo not?
If that is the case, I believe that you need to give this some time and try to work through issues in another way. I think if that is the case, while I can understand thisnis stressful for you and not ideal, giving it just one year to work through issues means you run out of a relationship pretty quickly and are not willing to work through issues. Changes take time. You are already thinking about how to screw him financially and haven't even left yet and you are not working, don't have a good car, etc.? Please read on the internet how to make things better before you run out.
IF every time you tried to
IF every time you tried to express your real feelings to your husband and he became angry, told YOU that YOU need "help" and actually walked out the door and threatened to leave you and a toddler, would you not smarten up real quick?
I do work, when I can.
The ;last time he tried this,
The ;last time he tried this, I did not care at ALL. He knew it too. I gave him his shit and told him to leave if he wanted. He did not like that and ended up "staying."
How sweet of him... I really don't care.
Your husband is not going to
Your husband is not going to change. You and your boy are number two. End of those questions. Live with it or leave. You've made your list, not put weights on the questions 1 to 10, add up the answers and see which side weighs more.
I.e. keeping old car -1 no big deal.
Keeping health insurance +10 - important (for now anyway).
You can relist your list anytime something changes and when the negatives if staying out number the pluses you're off.
But give fair warning by asking him to go with you to counseling. Tell him the marriage is falling apart - he'll blame you - use your health insurance to get the counseling. If he doesn't sign on in a week or two you'll know you're on your way out.
He thinks "I" only need help,
He thinks "I" only need help, of course. When I USED to try to talk things out, he blew up; gaslighted, big time.
I'll try that though, one more time.
Counseling helps a lot,tell
Counseling helps a lot,tell him you need his help at it. You need the help not him. Once the counselor tells him whats what he may take it better from an authority figure. If not - well like I said its time to go.