How Can I Get My step Son to Like Us?
My stepson lives almost 300 miles away from us and we hardly get to see him. We drive truck cross country so that also puts a dent into our visitation. He is currently living with his mom because she lost her teaching job last year. She is now employed and will be moving closer to us and we are trying to get him to come live in our home while we are on the road. The house is furnished and has all the amenities like cable and internet. However, he seems reluctant to make the move. His mom is moving into a 1 bedroom apartment so not sure as to where he would sleep if he moved with her. I am feeling very rejected because he never seems to want to come and visit any more than a day with us. His mother told the son that I was the cause of the divorce even though she had already set the divorce in motion before I showed up. He is 24 and his dad and I have been married for 9 years. We did take to trucking as soon as we were married to avoid staying in the same 1 horse town we lived in. She had developed an on line cybersex addiction and that was a contributor to her divorce. She also told everyone that she was an abused wife-never any proof or evidence of this. She just wanted others to feel sorry for her.
We have tried to get him to visit more frequently, paying for visits and even buying cars but he is cool to us.
I was never able to have any children of my own naturally so I was very excited to being a stepmom but even though he is polite he is not very warm to either of me or his dad.
Any suggestions as to how to develop a relationship?
Stop trying so hard. His
Stop trying so hard. His relationship between him and his mom is his business, as are the sleeping arrangements he and she make if she moves into a 1 bedroom apartment, so instead of buying stuff for him, and I note you don't say car, you say cars, show him a bit of respect. Show him you believe he is able to make his own decisions.
You have offered him the house with all its amenities, that should be it. Stop pushing, no one wants to be suffocated or pushed into making a decision. At 24 he is a grown man and may want to be treated as one, although if that was the case, well he should have taken a loan from you for the cars perhaps, but not expected anyone to buy him not one, but several cars from the sound of it.
I think two things, first you are in a good positon, leave well enough alone. There is an old saying, don't wish too hard for what you want, you just might get it.
Second, Now that you have made the offer for him to come and stay at your house, LEAVE IT ALONE. This is not about you and your needs, this is about respecting the opinions of a 24 year old man who is not relying on you for room and board, he may be taking advantage of you perhaps, and if that is the case, you are far better off with him not in your home.
Finally, have you noticed what you wrote.
We have tried to get him to visit more frequently, paying for visits and even buying cars but he is cool to us.
First rule of parenting, DO NOT REWARD BAD BEHAVIOUR. Hell, if I thought being aloof with you was going to get me a new dress I'd do it, let alone a new car. If you want him to like and respect you, then treat yourself with respect and don't act like a fool. You are trying to buy his love whether you recognise it or not, and it will never, never work. You may buy his presence in your home once in a while so he can keep you on a string for when he wants money or another car, but that is not love. He has clearly used and abused your kindness, and you are encouraging it. Also as you seem to have a pretty low opinion of BM have you even stopped to consider if ss moves into your house he can have her over whenever he wants. She could sleepover if she wanted to. She can go through your stuff and use your computer for her cyber sex addiction. I think you could live to regret leaving him in your home.
Back off and see what happens.
Hang on - please don't
Hang on - please don't continue to consider moving an ADULT into your home. He should have a JOB, be on his own and be living his own life, not mooching off parents! This will not "make him like you" - it will only lead to problems. He will not "magically disappear" when you ARE home and you might not like the presence of another adult in your home when you're trying to unwind and be yourself there. Ask me how I know.
You can't trick someone into
You can't trick someone into liking you.
Had dad waitied until his son were an adult to start trucking, the bond you crave may exist already.
He wants to belive his mother
He wants to belive his mother and there's little his father can do except ask him straight out if he thinks the divorce was caused by you. If the boys says yes he can try to prove otherwise.
You can't do much and should stay out of it.