trip with SD
I went through a serious trauma a couple of yrs ago...AND NOW my insurance co is sending me a pretty reasonnable amount for all the troubles....i was thinking with that money i would bring my own two children to walt disney...after all, they did go through a hard time as so did my husband.
My question is....should i bring my SD too. She does not live with us...but she is my kids sister.
She comes over only 3-4 weekends a yr these last few yrs. She's 16. Ive always treated her like she was my own...well, u know...cloth her, fed her, spoil her with outings when she would come...i always planned the outings every two weeks according to her visits that is before i found a text message from her to her mom, when she was 13. She was explaining to her mom what we were doing, her dad and i....dad went jogging and the WHORE is speaking on the phone. (that was me, the whore)...That hurt me soo much that after that, i changed....no more outings like before, no more gifts for her to bring home, no more money going in the piggy bank...IT KILLED ME!
Do I bring her on this trip? Im debating...For the last 12 yrs ive only felt guilt with this child and im trying to get rid of that...Trying to be strong but i still wonder...help me!
Btw..her mom goes on trips with her bf but never brought her daughter...
u would? even though she only
u would? even though she only pretends to like me..and speaks so badly behind my back?
I wouldn't take her. I
I wouldn't take her. I totally understand the guilt you feel if you don't take her...suck it up and get over it!
I used to feel the same way. After SD sabotaged many trips and fun things I tried to do with her and called me a nasty bitch...I no longer go out of my way to include her. Actually, now I do the opposite, I make sure she is NOT included. Why should a disrespectful brat that calls you a nasty name deserve to go with you? Would you take your friend if she said that about you?
Look at it this way...you want this trip for your family due to the stress you were all under. If you only see SD a few weekends a year, then she wasn't under the same stress...meaning she didn't really earn this "de-stress" trip. So don't take her!
Ouch at the "WHORE"
Ouch at the "WHORE" comment!!! Sorry about that. She was a hormonal teenage girl trying to impress her mom through a text message. I'm sure her mom encouraged her slightly on how she was "allowed" to feel about you and called you a whore to make her mom feel like she was loved (I know it sounds odd, but some BM's are stupid like that). I would take her. One day she will look back and see how good you were to her, even if she doesn't realize it now.
thank u for ur advice...ive
thank u for ur advice...ive sacrificed so much for this kid, even forgot myself for a long while...and have even put my kids aside for her, and she hurt me like that...it was like a knife. i knew her mom would speak like that about me in front of her but i had never thought that she would actually make her daughter say an awful word like that at that age...im confused, this trip is so important to me...but even the dad feels like she doesnt deserve to go....shes a hypocrite even with the dad...no respect whatsoever behind his back...thank u!!!
I'm glad you mentioned that
I'm glad you mentioned that she's disrespectful with Dad also. So this is not a one-off incident where she parroted a word her mother uses.
I'd leave her behind and if she comments tell her the truth. Not that you saw the text message but just the generalized feelings of disrespect she radiates towards you and her Dad. Make sure Dad has the same response so you're on the same page. It will be a good time to comment on consequences in real life.
This seems like a appropriate consequence towards her attitude. I.e. you don't respect us therefore we don't need you around when happy times are upon us. We don't need to hear your disrespectfulness ever but especially when we're taking a vacation from our daily life.
actually her dad confronted
actually her dad confronted her as soon as he got in the car bringing her home. and he told her that she wasnt welcome in our home until she apologized which she did 5 days after on the phone. i didnt yell or giv her attitude, i simply told her that she was my childrens sister and that we had no choice but to get along cause we will always be in eachothers lives. i wouldve never reacted badly, even though she deserved it, but i am always careful cause of the consequences....
my husband wont be able to get vacations sinc he started a new job so im probably going alone with the kids....should offer her to come??????
the kids have been saving
the kids have been saving money since 5 to go to disney...so i cant break my promise..they r really expecting this and they deserve it...theyve been through alot..daddys cancer, my close death experience and being at the hospital for a month...thank u!
Was she ever confronted about
Was she ever confronted about the whore remark? If the relationship is bad, I say leaver her out. If it is okay, she should go. But, that depends on the visitation. I have issues with kids only coming for the fun stuff....
My SD has been excluded from 4 vacations now since deciding to live with her mother. She only sees DH once in awhile for lunch. That is it. You don't get to come for the fun and leave for the hard stuff. The everyday family stuff.
Can we say entitled generation. By doing this, we are contributing to that concept of the kid goes just because they are a kid....
My SD14 and I are having a
My SD14 and I are having a pretty rough time right now...well, for almost a year now. She has been disrespectful, she calls me names ("Princess", the "B" word, etc...) and to top it off she has stolen a $1000 diamond ring from me (yes, I pressed charges). My DH steps in when she disrespects me, but SD14 just continues this behavior. Unfortunately the behavior is encouraged by BM and BM doesn't back my DH up on punishments, etc... BM was the one who started calling me "Princess". BM thought I was out of line for pressing charges when my ring was stolen and tells SD14 that what I did was wrong.
The other 3 skids behave much better when SD14 isn't around and even though I'd love to just cut her out and maybe even send her to live with BM full time just to make my life easier... I just suck it up and keep telling myself, she's a child, I'm an adult. I need to put my "big girl panties" on and just deal with it because no matter what she's my DH's daughter. She will always be his daughter. She will always be a part of my life as long as I'm with him, and I'm with him for better or worse.
SD14 has been abused and she has gone through a divorce, needless to say, she has some baggage. This isn't an excuse for anything she has done. I do not allow her to play victim, I think she needs to rise above her circumstances. But there are times when I can see the hurt and I know that she's just lashing out at the nearest person. It hurts me. It's frustrating. When she disrespects me, when she calls me a b*tch it takes everything I have not to slap her. It's so hard, but sometimes I have to look beyond the words and see that she's lashing out in general, that it has nothing to do with me, I'm just the person she's fixating on in that moment.
We still include her in family vacations because she is part of our family. At times I think that it's not fair...her behavior doesn't warrant such a privilege. But if we would start excluding her I think it would only make the issues we have with her worse.
Leaving a child behind sends a big message...but would the child hear that message? Would it have the right impact? I've learned that children of divorce don't always see things the way you intend.
If we would leave SD14 home, but take the other kids, even if we sat her down and explained exactly why she wasn't joining us, she would only see that we were excluding her. She would think that we don't care about her, maybe even that we dislike her. She wouldn't understand that it was a punishment for her horrendous behavior, she would see it as us pushing her out of the family, that she doesn't matter but the other kids do.
I don't know all the details of your situation, so maybe it wouldn't play out the same way for you. But I would take your SD on this trip even though it sounds like she doesn't deserve it. I can understand how it might be even more of a sore spot for you since it's YOUR money from a settlement. If it were me I'd wonder why I'm "wasting" my money on an ungrateful SD... but she is part of your family because she is part of your DH.
Honestly, SMof4 I disagree.
Honestly, SMof4 I disagree. Your SD doesn't deserve these things. Given the way she has treated you and the rest of the family by the behavior. You are rewarding bad behavior...We call it "Disney Dads", when they do it. Why is this any different. The other kids don't cause a problem, so they should go. Maybe if she was left out once in awhile, then she may have a lightbulb moment, that they mean it, I need to behave and show some respect.
she apologized over the phone
she apologized over the phone cause her dad told her she wouldt be welcome if she didnt. she said she didnt mean it that way.... i told her i forgave her...no hard feelings..............but it hurt like crazy! i learned my lesson cause since then im less generous with her like i was before....she used to be spoiled by me....but no more and she noticed it.
ive gone through therapy for other issues (the trauma) and it helped me deal with the guilt ive felt towards this kid for the past 12 yrs...but this trip is getting me nervous...ill end up going ALONE WITH MY CHILDREN, HUBBY CANT TAKE VACATIONS THIS YEAR...SHOULD I OFFER HER? SHES NOT MINE?
thank u...ur right!
thank u...ur right!
The text message was 3 years
The text message was 3 years ago. She was a bratty 13 year old exhibiting bratty behavior to her mother. She was likely appeasing her mother's questions, which makes me sad that parents hate their exes more than they love their kids. I hate mind poisoning. I don't think you should hold a text message against her for the rest of her life.
I can see both sides of this situation. Personally it would be nice to have an extra set of hands at Disney with the kids. She is 16, can she can help you watch the kids or wait in different lines, etc. But on the other hand, your husband is not going so I don't really see the need to take her along. If it was a family trip, then I would say she should go along too.
I agree, don't take her, not
I agree, don't take her, not based on that text message from three years ago but simply on the fact that her father isn't going, she's not around much, a 16yo could be a real help but if you don't already have that kind of relationship and she's not cooperative, then you end up parenting her more than her helping.
My concern is DH. For most people Disney is a big deal, if he can't take off because of the new job, how does he feel about missing it?