Heart Shredded- Excluded
Through tears, I came across this site.20 yrs ago, I spent a family vacation in a hotel room as my husband visited with my SD'S. Prior to leaving, the BM set out the times we would have the girls, but when we arrived, I was not permitted to see them, and he could see them from morning til night. So, he went and visited, I stayed in a hotel room. It was my vacation from hell, and took yrs to recover. After that, he gave up, and walked away, now adults, his girls are somewhat back in his life. Fast frwd 20 yrs later. They r in town, but I am excluded from lunch/dinner/outing invites. Oldest SD wants one on one daddy time. She came to our home to meet his family,( which excluded her step siblings),aunt, uncle. I cooked. My last vision of her was as a 5 yr old, she is now 26. My SD asked for a lunch date, he replied WE would love to attend. The text back, was, again, wanting daddy me time.That she is hurt he was not in her life. That she needs to get to know her dad. She refuses to discuss the past. He declined the invite. They say he was foolish to not attend, they are pissed off. He can come say goodbye alone. He asked them to stop by our home, they said no, they will not come to our home. My heart is shredded. My tears keep falling. Now, because he tried to support my feelings, that he was not going to leave his wife at home,( I stayed home when I was not invited on every outing, he saw the hurt, and said, no more, we are a pkg, you are my soul mate, my wife, and texted that to the oldest SD, but her response, this is about her needing to get to know her dad, and asked him to not violate her confidence, of what they discuss.
I think this is a no win
I think this is a no win situation. Even if he gets you included with them, do you think that you will be one happy blended family? Noooooo! You will wish he was on his own with them. Just read some of the posts here.
I had relationships with both of my SDs for many years. There was a period of time when everything was fine. But in the end, SDs showed their true colors and now I am happy to be uninvolved. My DH has his relationship with them without me.
Dry your eyes. Your husband's
Dry your eyes. Your husband's daughter appears to solely want to have a couple dinners alone with her biological father. At this point the guy is little more than the man who gave her life. He walked away from her when she was a mere babe. She's asking for nothing more than as an adult fully grown child a simple opportunity to get to know who this man is. It really has nothing to do with you at this point. Who knows what this young lady has been told. You've been with this man since the daughter was two years old with no contact in 20yrs. The lady is no threat to you or your marriage.
I'm going to say, look for a
I'm going to say, look for a compromise. It seems like purposeful exclusion, so I wouldn't be so quick to say, hey, suck it up, they only want some alone time with their dad. It doesn't seem that way to me. They should have the courtesy (in a normal situation) to say, hey we can have some time alone with him and some time with his family as a whole. It sounds more like they are using it as emotional blackmail. I would NEVER presume to TELL a man, father or not, that he must come see me without his wife. If after I asked, he said he couldn't do that, I would understand and still try my best to get to know him with his wife there because he has a right to have his wife with him. I don't have a right to purposefully ask him to exclude her.
I don't blame them so much, they are trying in the only ways they know how to establish control which they probably learned from their BM, because they feel like they had no control over their dad. This will also cause strife within their marriage--it's like, hey you hurt me, I'm going to hurt you back. It's a sad story all around.
The BM was vindictive and
The BM was vindictive and controlling, DH couldn't handle it and walked away. SD's are now back in his life (on their terms) they are vindictive and controlling like their mother, DH can't handle it and it is again walking away. Can't say I blame the guy or the girls. 20 years ago fathers had little rights in the eyes of the court and how else could the girls turn out? The entire situation sucks and was put in motion over 20 years ago, there is no easy bake relationship or simple fix to decades of guilt and abandonment issues.
Seems like you are the scapegoat, the excuse is that no one is communicating because of you. But we all know that's not true, if you hadn't married DH some other woman would be in the same place as target.
This is DH's issue, not yours. He needs to deal with it, not you. You can cry and feel bad for him but please don't take it personally. This is their drama. If this was me I would remove myself from the equation and place it fully on DH. Be supportive of his relationship with them then go visit family or friends to keep your mind off of it.
We went to court. Spent
We went to court. Spent thousands on lawyer fees. He never abandoned his girls, we still pay child suppor, as long as they remain in school, currently university. She refused to put them on a plane, she refused to send court mandated report cards, she refused telephone contact. Lawyers made lots of money, last straw was when phone was ripped out of 9 yr olds hand, why would you want to continue to subject your kids to that. Our twin sons were stillborn, she sent a card on 2nd anniversary rejoicing their death. SD have been back in his life for 3 yrs. I get the oldest is hurt,and since their arrival he has spent daily one to one time. I encourage it, they wanted to meet aunt, uncle, yeah I am crushed. A family is not divided. My heart hurts for him, that he is punished for caring about his wife. They are adults now, manipulative, he did his part, they only know the BM side, refuse to hear his. Maybe this is not the site for me
They've already seen him one
They've already seen him one on one daily? That is plenty. He has certainly made an effort. They need to make an effort now, too. They are currently getting support from him and by college you are old enough to have some understanding of that. Therefore, they do know they have something to appreciate in him, not just "abandonment." They are old enough to know that dad has his own life, is a person, has rights. They have been poisoned by BM and that is a large handicap, but I agree that Dad must keep boundaries around his own personhood. He can not be complicit in BM's message that he means nothing, is nothing, deserves nothing.
Maybe in another 10 years with some maturity they will come around again. He does not have to give up all happiness because he married the wrong woman when he was young.
We went to court. Spent
We went to court. Spent thousands on lawyer fees. He never abandoned his girls, we still pay child suppor, as long as they remain in school, currently university. She refused to put them on a plane, she refused to send court mandated report cards, she refused telephone contact. Lawyers made lots of money, last straw was when phone was ripped out of 9 yr olds hand, why would you want to continue to subject your kids to that. Our twin sons were stillborn, she sent a card on 2nd anniversary rejoicing their death. SD have been back in his life for 3 yrs. I get the oldest is hurt,and since their arrival he has spent daily one to one time. I encourage it, they wanted to meet aunt, uncle, yeah I am crushed. A family is not divided. My heart hurts for him, that he is punished for caring about his wife. They are adults now, manipulative, he did his part, they only know the BM side, refuse to hear his. Maybe this is not the site for me
My husband's always tried to
My husband's always tried to be part of his children's life and I've too but at the end they only remember us when they need something, mostly money. I stopped trying to have a relationship with them and everything is much better for me. My husband is an adult so he can decide what's best for him. I treat my husband with love, fair and respect and I expect the same and he knows it. It works for us.
BM is always a BM and she's trained her children to be just like her so don't expect they are to be any different than their mother. If your husband wants to have the relationship with them he would've done that long time ago with or without you. Don't feel bad or hurt because you and your husband can't have a relationship with SD...relationship needs work and either one put extra effort to make it work...my way or high way? Be glad it happened otherwise you would have found this site a lot sooner lol
Best of luck
A.
Echo.wow, he chose to throw
Echo.wow, he chose to throw them away twice, thank Christ your not a shrink, did u miss the bio mom, violated court orders time after time. He spent everyday with them, alone. I cooked dinner for them to meet their aunt, uncle, not so much as a thank you from them, lots of pics taken and shared, did not include me, he welcomed his good bye lunch with his wife, but oldest wanted daddy me time, one on one. With her sister there, my math says three is a crowd, so 4 would have been perfect. He has paid the price, they are manipulative brats, my tears and shredded heart are for the man that left, to protect his kids from her using them as pawns, oh bye the way, a Court Appointment Shrink, encouraged him to walk away until they turned of age. Yepp this site is not for me
20 yrs of bullshit does not a
20 yrs of bullshit does not a stranger make. Sent Christmas, birthday, easter for 20 yrs, have every postal confirmation it was received, but yet daughters say we forgot their birthdays etc, unless they are willing to hear the truth about, my mom is sooo amazing, nothing will change. So yup, my heart is shredded for him, and yep, if they cared about their father, his one request to include his wife in a goodbye lunch, would have mattered. They wanted to meet their aunt and uncle, only reason they came to our home, wish i could do a repeat, because this goodbye was discussed. But then again, it was not him they wanted to hurt. So i thought, just maybe we were moving frwd. They also spent time with their 4 yr old niece, who became very attached the 3 months they were here, never bothered saying goodbye to her either. Whats your advice echo. She is 4, no big deal, would love to have traded places with you, trying to explain why that promise was broken. peace out
20 yrs of bullshit does not a
20 yrs of bullshit does not a stranger make. Sent Christmas, birthday, easter for 20 yrs, have every postal confirmation it was received, but yet daughters say we forgot their birthdays etc, unless they are willing to hear the truth about, my mom is sooo amazing, nothing will change. So yup, my heart is shredded for him, and yep, if they cared about their father, his one request to include his wife in a goodbye lunch, would have mattered. They wanted to meet their aunt and uncle, only reason they came to our home, wish i could do a repeat, because this goodbye was discussed. But then again, it was not him they wanted to hurt. So i thought, just maybe we were moving frwd. They also spent time with their 4 yr old niece, who became very attached the 3 months they were here, never bothered saying goodbye to her either. Whats your advice echo. She is 4, no big deal, would love to have traded places with you, trying to explain why that promise was broken. peace out
OP it would be helpful if you
OP it would be helpful if you could give all the details of your story at once. People give advice based only on what you say, and sometimes the advice would be totally different if they have more or different details.
Your last post says they were in your area for 3 months. I took your first post to mean that they were on a short visit in your area. If they were there and in contact w/your DH for 3 months, then obviously there would have been time to include you. If they were only there for a few days, it might be understandable why they didn't include you.
One of the strong points of this site is you will get all different kinds of advice. Everyone filters through their own experiences. Sometimes the advice that seems counter intuitive is the best advice you will get. Take what it is helpful and ignore the rest.
Good for your DH for figuring
Good for your DH for figuring out what it important. His support of you is what should have been in play the entire time. As for the toxic step spawn not being in your life ... or his. meh. Good riddance.
I applaud your dh for
I applaud your dh for standing by you. his kids are old enough to make their own decisions now as to whether they want a relationship with their father that includes his WIFE. how would they feel if their dad insisted he only see them away from THEIR spouses? I can tell you, if I tried that with my kids, they wouldn't see me and I don't blame them. you are his WIFE, his NEXT OF KIN. if they don't want to grow up and wish to keep playing the victim role, let them. dry your eyes, the ball is officially in their court and you have a wonderful HUSBAND. yes, your dh is a father, but his kids are grown and no longer take center stage in his world, his wife does, as it should. totally their loss.