I have been reading about RA
My DH had been divorced (not by his choice)3 years before I met him.I wasnt worried at all about meeting his X when the time came. When I did meet her I held out my hand to shake her hand and say nice to meet you.She looked at me like I was on dangerous ground.She whirled around and was gone. Freaked me out. Never seen a woman act like that.The day me and DH was married I was told members of her church went to comfort her cause she was in a mental state of mind .Next thing I know people are shunning me and my daughter .Terrible lies were told on me and that I caused her divorce and she wants her family back.We could meet her on the road and she would shoot us the bird.SD had a child that was having her 1st birthday party and so we went to the party.When I walked in the ex started boo hooing and went in the bedroom and locked herself in and wouldnt come out because she couldnt see her x with another woman.She wasnt to worried about her grandaughter party at all.I was in total shock.Sk's and DIL's are on her side completely.Since I have been in the family I have never had a realationship with SD.She is very unwelcoming and I am uncomfortable around her. One day I took some pictures of her little girl and so I put them on FB saying how sweet and pretty she is.I didnt realize I was out of my boundaries.Her and DIL's had a hay day with me. Told me to get her daughter picture off FB and I had no right doing that.Of course her daughter is on FB with her mom and DILS and friends.DH got mad and said she my grandaughter to and told SD she was just like her mom.SD has never told me happy birthday or any occasion.I use to tell her but now I have stopped and wont do that again.SD's husband is a vetarian and she works with him at their clinic. I use to take my dogs and buy their meds there but now I have stopped going there .I found another vet i could use.The list of hurts and rumors and lies and beening told I would never be a part of the family goes on and on.I can say it has changed me someway.I dont know if I have had all Im gonna take or what is wrong.I dont like it when SK's and DIL's say DH is family and Im not.I am not at the point yet to see DH leave me behind and go see his family .I want to stand my ground with them and say if you love your dad then you will accept me in the family also.They say he should see his grandkids but I say when you make dad choose between me and them then its the wrong choice yall are making.Gosh what a mess. I understand what RA is about.
It seems most ex-wives are
It seems most ex-wives are crazy. You know what is really funny? All over the news you hear all this crap about how men do better financially when they divorce and women don't...really? Maybe it's because most of the men take their job seriously and move ON! They focus on making money, while many of these women go crazy in their ridiculous depression even when THEY left the husbands. Believe me, my sister is the same way. Love her dearly, but SHE wanted a divorce, she got it. She has a degree and really has done NOTHING in her life to better herself in 2 years...and is still angry at the ex...why? YOU left him...leave him alone. I just don't get it.
By the way, I am divorced, although no kids. My ex left me, literally I called to see when he was coming home from a trip I PAID FOR and he said he wasn't! I was left with all the bills, etc...and I busted my ass to pay everything...and I had no freaking degree and made about 8USD an hour...15yrs later I make over 85K a year...heck, within 2 years of him leaving I was close to 17USD an hour...idiot women.
I do not think you have the
I do not think you have the right at any stage to ask your DH to choose between his children or you. However, you do have a right to move forward with your life and leave DH to his.
In my case I had 8 years of abuse from DH's family, during which time he sat back and enjoyed the show. His daughter's boyfriend told him, if he wanted to see his new grandaughter then he would have to leave his wife (me). When his response was, well I guess I wont' be seeing my grandaughter then, my FIL bought in on the act....long story.
End result, FIL tells SD she can come around to my house and forget everything just start afresh. DH thinks this is wondeful. I said NO, she does not get to walk in here and pretend we are bff's, when for 8 years she has been telling us she wants us dead etc., again long story so wont' go into it. Ultimately SD turns up on my door anyway, because I am nothing or no one to this family, seemingly my FIL has a right to decide who gets to come into my home, and he says if she doesn't speak to me, that's all right, I don't have to speak to her.
Well as I said she turned up on the doorstep. I told DH you can answer the door and tell her she is not welcome in my home, or I will do it for you, up to you. DH says, you do it. So I did banned her completely and forever from my home and that was almost a year ago.
I then told DH I was never going back on this, he was incapable of supporting me, he was afraid to say anything to his daughter, and things would always be the same if I allowed her into my home, so, if he wanted to he was more than welcome to go with her, I would not stand in his way or make it hard for him. I told him, I understood his position and would hate to be in it myself. They are his kids and if he could not bear to not see them, I would understand,. However, I was done with it, I was done with the abuse. I also told him, I would not live in the way his daughter wanted me to live, he visit her alone, he spend special occassions, birthdays, holidays, Christenings, etc., with his "real" family, him going to visit daughter and have meals with daughter on her every whim, and me staying home alone. That if we started down that road to please SD, we would end up with him spending all his time with SD and as per SD's wishes, none of it with me. That was not to my mind what marriage was about. So, the choice was his, he could go or he could stay, but he could not live in two worlds with two families.
This was not an ultimatum. Ultimatiums are given when one person wants the other to do something and threatens them with if you don't do this or that then I will leave or throw you out or whatever. This was simply telling my husband how I wanted to live and if he wanted a different life then I was more than happy for him to go and live that new life, no hard feelings. You see, I was well and truly over the whole never ending, never would end drama.
I would not bother telling your husbands family anything, I honestly believe that is up to him. The only person you should be talking to about this is your husband. If you are unhappy with your life, tell him. But keep it to you and him. After all it is not about what his family are doing and saying to you as much as it is about what he is doing about all of that.
By the way, I would not have put pictures of the little one on FB, that was a red rag to a bull. They think you have overstepped the mark. If your DH had done it, there would have been nothing said. So keep out of their family, for your sake because they will never accept you. Work it out between you and your husband and I wish you the very best.
"-- it is not about what his
"-- it is not about what his family are doing and saying to you as much as it is about what he is doing about all of that." EBU, THIS is what I consider the most important element in whether you do or do NOT have a relationship with Skids. Like you, my DH CHOOSES to do nothing so he can live with the consequences or leave. This is not an ultimatum. An unltimatum is delivered when you give someone no choice. Love your wisdom!
Herewegoagain. Werent' you
Herewegoagain. Werent' you tempted to send the ex a copy of your new pay slip
I agree with you wholeheartedly.
I have really learned my
I have really learned my lesson about DH family.Like I said in another comment .I tried apologizing to them for the trouble I DID NOT CAUSE and tried to make friends with them that was like throwing gas on a fire.They still say to this day I am a troublemaker and a liar. I wanted to know what the heck I had lied about and what did I do to them.I was told you made your bed now you lay in it.They told me I wasnt welcome to be part of their family.Now I have bitterness towards DH family.I have disengaged from them and I did the right thing for sure.I know its not fair to my DH not seeing his familybut I still have a hard time when they make the rules for us.I feel like they are adults and they have their families and me and DH are family.I guess DH needs to make his own choices and do what he wants to do.DH is not as close with his SK's like he use to be because of the control they have as a family.DH told them my wife will be included in this family.So they have not ask DH to visit lately.Im sure they are mad.If DH decedies to go to family get togethers is really going to hard for me.Guess I will have to deal with it as best as I can,and do what is best for Dh.I feel like he wont go when they call to come see them. He is very upset and disgusted for the way they have treated me and him.It is so sad that family can be so twisted.
Thanks so much for all the
Thanks so much for all the advice. I dont know if this is a good thing to say but if I had to start over and know what I know now I would never put myself in this mess.Another thing that really hurt me was a while back DIL's was having a Jewerly party and I was shocked when they invited me to come .I didnt have a good feeling about it so I thanked them for inviting me and the next thing out of their mouth was your daughter cant come . She is not welcome in my house.I lost control of my temper and told them where to go.They went to Dh and told him I should apologize to them.DH told them what he thought of them and how mean and to leave me alone.He told them they were sorry as hell and his son's made a big mistake of who they married.It was a big blow up.This is what gets me all the SK's and DIL go to church and do all kinds of things for the church and are thought well of in their church and our town .Mission trips ,helps people in need,.Yet they treat me and my daughter like a peice of shit.All that has changed now.Its just healing from the hurt.
Some of the biggest
Some of the biggest nutburgers sit in pews every Sunday. And some of the most extreme lunatics are on the stage.
And some of the most evil hateful vicious people who have not an ounce of compassion for another fellow human being use the church as their stage.
The problem with the world is
The problem with the world is that the intelligent people are full of doubts while the stupid ones are full of confidence.