SAME stuff over and over but still TABOO-why?

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SA's post with the fill in the blank sentences got me wondering why IS it still taboo in most settings to talk openly about how hard this is? The Brady Bunch has done us all a horrible disservice.

I have a few people in my life with whom I can speak openly about this but usually if I say the slightest thing about step life to others, people look at me like I have two heads.

Why is this still such a taboo topic? Even in my mental health training, unless you stumble on the topic, little was said about the powerful dynamics that exist within stepfamilies. This could explain why so many of you have received awful counseling!

What will it take to get this out in the open, which hopefully will lead to cultural understanding and then cultural change???

What do you all think?

"I find when I discuss it

"I find when I discuss it with other steps, there's a lot of company and support - they've all been there to varying degrees. When I've discussed with unmarrieds or non-step families, I get, "Well she IS his daughter!" as if I'm simply an evil stepmother trying to rip this poor child from her father. There's not much understanding unless one has been there."

I completely agree! The only place I have ever found any type of "sympathy" or real understanding is on here. Everyone else seems to have the Brady Bunch idea of what blended family dynamics are *supposed* to be like. No one really *gets* that, for vast majority, it's a no-win situation.

When I talk about being disengaged, people look at me as though I am some sort of monster -- horrified expression and all. ("How could you possible not grocery shop for those poor children??" -- as though those "poor children" don't have a father that should be doing it...)

But, I just remind myself, those people have NOT walked in my shoes. Even if I attempt to explain the situation and why I've ended up where I am (disengaged), they STILL don't understand. They still think that I am the one with the problem.

I mean, after all, they are "just kids," right?

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Let's all just ignore the fact that the skids made it a game to jerk me around about what foods they would eat from one weekend to the next (shit ass grins and winks at one another included) -- making a joke out of my grocery shopping efforts; my time I spent on them; wasting money and food; my efforts to ensure that they would have food in our house that they liked to eat; my efforts to try to help us become a family/stable household; AND my efforts to really get to know them. Also, let's just ignore the fact that my DH allowed them to get away with it -- making me look like a total ass for even bothering. But, right, the problem is ME and the fact that I will no longer participate in being treated like shit when all I was really trying to do what to be nice.

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Unless a person has been in a situation where, LITERALLY, everything they have done or will do -- is wrong -- then they NO IDEA are in no position to judge. They don't realize that the vast majority of step-families look a whole lot like this:

A step-mom is supposed to take on ALL of the responsibility (and blame) with NONE of the authority, all the while with a lunatic BM doing everything in her power to sabotage absolutely EVERYTHING and making EVERYTHING and EVERYBODY's life a living hell -- up to and including emotionally abusing the children should they even so much as show any sort of sign of liking said step-mom -- with the dad spending his time with his children guilt-ridden and unwilling or unable to parent them on his own -- so the kids are being raised the equivalent to a wild animal -- who are taught by BM and by their father (through not standing up for her) to scapegoat step-mom for absolutely every possible thing that could every possibly go wrong in the world. The cherry on top is that we step-moms also get the added pleasure of making all sorts of sacrifices as 45% of our household resources leak over to support a BM who won't support herself and children who will never understand, appreciate, or think it was ever enough.

A non-step has to be very open-minded in order to even begin to wrap their brains around what our days are like.

So I try my hardest to not talk to anyone outside of Steptalk about it. No one else really understands.

I agree that the REAL step-families are a completely underserved population by the helping professionals.

Could we please get some REAL representation over here?

I try to not be bitter. Sometimes my bitter shows though.

"A non-step has to be very

"A non-step has to be very open-minded in order to even begin to wrap their brains around what our days are like.....So I try my hardest to not talk to anyone outside of Steptalk about it. No one else really understands."

EXACTLY. ---even extended family members who are also blended and with varying degrees of dysfunction, NO, no....they really do not quite understand at all what we go through.

Even my DH's cousin's wife, who I am VERY CLOSE TO (and has been completely understanding of our situation, and has been 100% on our side since the beginning) told me not too long ago that basically "You (me) eventually are going to have to just suck it up and have a relationship with DH's daughters, because he's going to eventually have a relationship with them."

I couldn't agree more that we

I couldn't agree more that we are such a suppressed community. That's why reading Stepmother was such an exhilarating experience for me. I don't happen to personally know other steps. I sure wish I did. Having experienced the way that people treat widows and now this, I'm surprised that I still get up every morning, to tell you the truth. Sometimes I'm even reluctant to post here because some people have shown a bit of that attitude, especially where inheritance is concerned. Still, I have felt more supported than not, so I will keep posting. It's a struggle for all of us and it's buried deep. It's tempting to start a support group for step mothers! I would, but I don't have the perspective of those of you who raised yours since they were little. Mine came into my life as adults.

Hugs all around

It's never too late. It's

It's never too late. It's just a matter of trade-offs.

this is exactly what i always

this is exactly what i always say..using the same words "taboo". it is taboo within the family becasue as you all know when you try to openly talk about it, DH geets very defensive and sooner or later will create a fight....you hve to walk on egg shells, pick your battle, try to let go of many, shut your mouth and all those things that at the end of the history either make you misserable or end your marriage...im not sure what is worse.
if you happen to not be able to control yourself in a particular situation and say things like "she needs to stop treating me this way, do something about it, etc,etc. those comments will be used against you some day ,in sentences like "you hve no patience for SD" " you are ALWAYS complaining"...you know...
outside of the family, there are only a couple of people that understand ...and to a point, some of the m have open minds but they try to understand the step life comparing it to their relationship with their kids...and that doesnt work...it is sooo different. other people just judge you and will never get it. really this site has shown me that im not crazy, im not evil, im not a bad person and that i have tried enough...probably more than enough.
than kyou for posting this , once again, i feel completely the same as you wise wonderful, strong and tired stepmoms

fdh has really come a long

fdh has really come a long way since 7 years ago. he has opened his eyes to the truth about what kind of person sd19 is, something he was mostly in denial about for a long time. sometimes, he still shows signs of not completely having accepted it.

most recent example being when sd hinted around about being pregnant but wouldn't come out and say it. she had asked me a few days before that if fdh and i were going to have any more kids. i told him after she hinted around at her news that i think she was asking because she thinks that since she's having a baby, we have to be done. fdh said he wasnt' thinking she meant anything "that mean" by it. he thinks she just wants us to have time for her kid. first of all, my thoughts are realistic and based on her past behavior. she thinks she has the right to decide that we have to be done. secondly, expecting us to take on her kid whenever she wants us to is just as selfish and unrealistic and it won't be happening. i just wanted to smack him. how was my thought "mean"? it is very likely that someone who is as self absorbed and attention hungry as she is would think that.

Ya, I could not stand the

Ya, I could not stand the Brady Bunch! Where's Alice when I need her? LOL I agree we have gotten a bad rap as Step parents. I've found when people act like I'm a monster for disengaging from SD, I relate it to something THEY have gone through, such as a rotten MIL. Then I say, "Now you know how I feel." After that, they are not so judgemental.