And let's not forget the really sick ones who not only think their kids should come first, but that their pathetic mothers should also come first....sigh...

Wish my DH would go to counseling, but he won't. And he claims to have moved on and changed his thinking, but honestly, I am always just waiting for the other shoe to drop...oh wait, the other shoe did drop, ie. his crappy mother...and he's already back peddling...sigh

In most remarriages, both man and woman will assume their kids come before their spouses. This is because the kids are permanent (until they are grown), and spouses can change (hence divorce). This is why I would not marry. I don't think that works for everyone, but it works for me because of my age and the fact that I'm done having babies. It is stupid for someone in my position to bring a man into our family, plus all the drama that entails. It is also selfish. Like I can't wait 9 or 10 years for the kids to move out to play around with a man... those years will go by like days and they will be gone before I know it. I will be glad I did not spend them stressed out over some man and his kids. My kids will, too. Anyway, back to the point...people who are serious about their marriage put their SO first. The others are just looking for some help around the house.

Yeah...spouse first. If you and your spouse, or whatever are not happy - the kids will NOT be happy. Bottom Line.

In a marraige the husband and wife should put each other FIRST. Where there are children involved, the marriage still comes first for many reasons,but most importantly children learn how to have relationships based on what they see at home. If mum and dad put each other first they are both happy people, happy parents, produce happy kids, happy kids grow up to be happy, confident self assured adults who go on to have healthy relationships because that is what they have learned at home.

In relationships where the children come first mum or dad or both focus all the attention on the kids instead of each other, the kids grow up, mum and dad have nothing in common anymore, don't even really know each other anymore and the kids well, they are self absorbed, spoilt men and women who think the world owes them. They are not prepared for the ups and downs of life as mum and dad both made sure they never suffered a loss or failure, so as a consequence they become very angry men and women when the world does not treat them as mum and dad did.

The marriage comes first.

Double post

I just had a major light bulb when i read gthe comments. I think the adults come first, be you divorced , married, together or apart.

Married couples need to feed a relationship and keep the house hold happy and a float. The memebers in the family will all benefit. Happy husband and wife make happy babies( my brother is unhappyie his kids are un happy)

Not married but together same thing with the same understandings.

Not together ( at war) If you are at war with theperson you had kids with the kids suffer because they see this crap. Instead of taking a step back and leaving the kids out of it they get dragged into all thge mess. My DH and the BM had this problem until my DH disengaged from her crazy rollercoaster. Since DH disengaged and soley talks to his daughter(sd13) there relationship has gotten better. The relationship between him and SS8 is lacking because he still has to go through BM to talk to him.

So I say if the two parties are respectful of there parental roles than the kids wont suffer as much.

If a copuple feeds theior relationship than the rest of the house hold benefits down to the dog.

The Marriage (husband & wife or committed couple) always comes first. You will starve out a marriage if you put the kids wants before your spouse. Notice I said wants. I firmly believe wants & needs of the kids are two very very separate things. BM cant seem to grasp that, which causes lots of problems for everyone.

I put my spouse before all else. This marriage is my big priority. I think the marriage suffers when you put the wants of anyone before your spouse.

In my home & marriage its-- God, spouse, myself & kids. But thats how we chose for things to be. Things may work differently for others.

I think if couples are on the same page. You would both

A.) go to the hospital as echo exampled.

B.) both starve and let your child eat.

Its the sacrifice that makes the family. My Dh goes with out so that I will have or kids would have. I personally hate it. I would rather go with out so he could have. When BS is born I will feel the same as i will not sacrafice my comfort for his kids, thats thier mothers job.

How about this example. Im 6months preggers and my legs where hurting last night. Dh came in from work and I wanted a rub. I saw that he was hurting from his day and needed a rub. He sucked it up and rubbed me down despite the way he felt and I turned around and rubbed him the same. We feel asleep after. In this case I think he put my needs and the baby needs before his achy needs. I made sure he got his too . We were both happy.

The marriage comes first, and common sense must prevail. A couple can put each other and the marriage first without failing in their responsibilities towards their children. Minor children do have needs, adult children often need support too, but there is a huge difference between meeting the needs of your children giving in to their wants. Two people who have the emotional maturity to recognize the marriage comes first, also know how to set boundaries with their children.

I have lived through boths sides of this issue...and I was the cause of it! If men would just put their selfish and guilty feelings aside, they'd see what a wonderful relationship they can have with their wives in a blended family environment. We didn't marry our kids, we married our wives. The kids will leave us eventually and so will our wives (if we don't put the wives first in the marriage).

I am the DH of a wonderful wife who has put up with alot of being pushed aside "for the sake of the kids." We married 5 years ago with my promise to her that she would always be the most important thing to me in my life. Those were easy things to say but very difficult to carry out. We slogged through 3 years of disappointments and frustrations from the marriage that we expected to have together. Nearly everything that I did revolved around my 2 kids' activities and their wishes. I carried such guilt for not being an everyday father to them and, as a result, put them as most important in my life.

The result was that I was manipulated this way and that by the kids because they were smart enough to see their power over my life and used it for their benefit. My wife basically disengaged from me and them because I had placed so little value in her importance to me. If the kids saw that I was spending too little time with them and too much time with my wife, they would do or say something to disrupt the family. Mostly, it was acting out disrespectfully or defiantly which caused me to gravitate to them and away from my wife. I overlooked their behavior because I had become a "paralyzed parent" who thought that the kids would reject and hate me if I disciplined them.

A couple of years ago, I read a book (unfortunately I cannot remember the name of it) that talked about the two parenting styles: parentally-focused and maritally-focused. I read in horror the parentally-focused characteristics and realized for the first time that I was in that category. The psychological effects on kids and marriage(according to the book) were quite damaging from the parentally-focused model. I finally realized what my wife must feel like and understood why we were having such a difficult time in our marriage. Both of us were unhappy and I couldn't understand the root cause of it all. Why she had put up with my behavior I still don't understand. She may have been waiting for the right time to leave as many on this site talk about.

From that time forward, I have worked very hard to focus my life on my wife and not let the kids control what I do. It was difficult at first (especially for the kids) because it was such a pardigm shift. I told the kids that I loved them and that they were important to me but that my wife would come first. They were even more resentful and rebellious at first trying harder than ever to control me. However, over time they realized that I still loved them and spent quality time with them. They are now OK with it and are old enough to understand why it was needed. They both have apologized to me for their behaviors (and I have to them, too, for not being a good parent to them).

My wife was very skeptical that I could hang onto my new convictions to her. That was understandable because she was afraid of getting let down once again. She was guarded and kept her inner feelings to herself. As issues arose and it became clear by my actions that she was foremost in my heart, she began opening up to both me and the kids. She is now very happy and treats me better than I could ever hope or imagine. We now have a very happy and functional blended family with our 5 kids (3 hers and 2 mine). I never dreamed that our marriage could be so good simply by always putting her as my top priority.

Well done Autopilot, for you to recognize your role in causing a rift in your marriage and then go about resolving it is impressive. Unfortunately not too many men in your situation would admit to any wrongdoing. I wish you and your wife a very long and happy life together.

Spouse should always come first. Obviously, as a parent, it is your responsibility to make sure the NEEDS of your child are met, but as far as the general order of the members of the household, the most important relationship in the family is the marriage. My parents were together and always put each other first when I was growing up and I didn't feel neglected or anything like that. In fact, it was just the opposite. I learned what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like from them. I saw what true love was like. I was not spoiled like my DH has spoiled SD by making her believe she is the center of the freaking universe!

Thank God for some sanity, my poor brother is one of the most caring, hard working, supportive and kind people you could ever meet, yet his gf treats him like a pay cheque, while shes in bed in the morning, he gets up the 4 boys, washes thems feeds them, gets them ready for school and then he brings her in a cup of tea and goes to work, when he returns 10hrs later he is issued with a list of demands, no coffee no hug, she won't even iron him a shirt for work, them he cooks her dinner for her, I whole heartedly agree that we are all important and should be respected, listened to and cared for.

A side lined wife, especialy one that is also a step mother is an unhappy person and generally becomes ineffective in her roles. Responsibilities without authority. For 25 years my husband consistently put his kids first. I suffered, hurt jealousy and anger were frequent feelings. mY husband suffered, the kids suffered from our arguments. When a spouse puts the kids first, the other spouse is edged out of their rightful role in the marriage and is generally disrespected by both spouse and kids.
A week before he died my husband finally decided it was timeto put me first. And he did in a genrous will that his children can not accept. Family has practically disintegrated and the will is not settled after a year.

Put your spouse first and while doing that make sure your kids show proper respect. Everyone will be happier for it!
Rach