Question about Disengaging

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I am trying this disengaging thing because if I don't I'm going to end up either in a mental hospital or in jail :jawdrop:

Here's my question: YSD19 still lives with us. She was DH's baby before BD(14mths) came along. She's whiny, a brat, is mean to my BD12 (ignores her, walks out the room when she's talking to her, etc.) She complains about some part of her body hurting EVERY day. It's either her head, her stomach, her back, blah, blah, blah. She's very clingy to DH, and has made it clear on several occasions that DH is HER daddy, and I have no place being beside him. In fact, last year on vacation, I went to sit down beside DH and she slid in next to him and glared at me. Just recently, DH was giving me a hug and she came in and put her head on his shoulder. She tries to sit on his lap, and comes up to him at least 3-4 times a day saying (in her whiny voice) "Daddy, can I have a hug"? DH does nothing about her behavior - if he tries, she cries.

So, if she lives with us, and talks to me all the time, how do I disengage from her? When she comes in from school (she's in college), I'm the one that she tells what happened at school. When she comes in from tanning, I'm the one that she talks to about how burnt she got. Last night, I was trying to watch a movie and she kept coming in to talk to me. I try to ignore her, but it's not working. I have decided that no more am I thinking of her when I see something that she would like. I've done the kids' (there are 3 that need help) FAFSA for financial aid for the last 3 years. This coming year, they are on their own.

How do you disengage with someone who wants your attention and lives with you? I'm partly afraid to be mean or to be cold with her, because I don't want her treating BD that way.

Another question - can you

Another question - can you disengage from some of them, but not all? MSD20 and I have a great relationship, as well as SS26. I can't imagine being cold to MSD, as she has turned a corner, and has come to realize that I'm hear to stay and that if she wants a good relationship with DH, she had to accept me.

I think you have to talk to

I think you have to talk to your DH and explain that you need him to put in some appropriate boundaries with regard to SDs behaviour - make up a list of examples such as you quoted in your post - and tell him that he needs to gently move her away, or have a talk with her in private and explain that she is not his "other wife" that sthomas is his wife and she is his ADULT daughter, that will (please God) soon be living an independent life in her OWN PLACE etc - well you get the idea.
I think you need to have a talk also with your DH, with a view to having a time line for her to move out. If this cannot be afforded while she is in college - though most students do - then as soon as she is done. And she is NOT allowed to become a perpetual student like some do, I understand in the USA, living on CS until they are 30!

Disengaging as used here

Disengaging as used here doesn't apply to adults so much as it does children under 18 where you disengage from being a parental authority figure.

You've simply got a needy adult wanting constant attention. I would think the usual: "mmmmmm, you think so?, really? mmmmmmm, wow" none of which are appropriate to what she's saying.

Sure she may not get the hint but its no worse than a similar co-worker situation. Sometimes ya gotta be blunt and just ignore her.

Disengaging works here too.

Disengaging works here too. It's not just parenting.

Countless people here use it

Countless people here use it on the adults. Yes the marriages would be gone or all on Prozac. Lol

She behaves needily to both

She behaves needily to both of you, so maybe get DH to brainstorm on what can be done to get her to achieve more independence as a young adult. Part-time job? Evening class? Dance class? Social groups? And pull her on anything she does to BD, that is rude.

Isn't she already treating BD

Isn't she already treating BD this way? You said she walks away when BD talks to her. So do the same. I have learned to get rid of that "can't be mean" mentality. As soon as I see attention seeking, I walk away. Otherwise, they just keep doing it.

Compete with me for daddy and I don't want him. Look for sympathy and I will walk away or tell you what you don't want to hear.

It's funny, I think I have a

It's funny, I think I have a facial expression that says "not interested". Both BM and SD don't even look my way when I use it.

Haha. DH may not get the hint

Haha. DH may not get the hint so easy.

Glad I can be of use!!

"On the brightside - she is

"On the brightside - she is 19 and soon enough she will move out - WOOHOOOO" Are you crazy? Daddy has done everything besides wipe her butt for the last 16 years...until I came around, she couldn't even go to the grocery store to pick up her BC, let alone call to have it refilled. She is going to be living with us until she's 30. She has every advantage - she's allowed to be in her bedroom with her boyfriend with the door shut and the lights out (DH says they're just cuddling - hello???). She pissed me off something royally tonight and I am so proud of myself, because I didn't say a word to DH about it...it's a waste of time. She buys her own food once in awhile, and no one is allowed to eat it. Well, DH wanted some chips (this has been a few days ago) and she offered her new bag of chips. Tonight, we have dinner and the neighbor kids were over to eat. I asked her if we could use the rest of those chips (there's not even 1/2 the bag left), and she whines, "I guess - but I want to make sure I get some". So I told her - I'll just leave YOUR chips here and we'll use what we bought. The little b**ch didn't even eat the damn chips - she had a plateful of the ones we bought. I'm done (help me be strong)telling DH anything about her...I'm disappointed in him that he is so weak around the skids...they walk all over him. I honestly think he's so afraid that he's going to piss one of them off and they won't come around again...boohoo.

Go throw her chips away. It

Go throw her chips away. It will make you feel better.

The counselor we are seeing

The counselor we are seeing has issues with the closed door too. She has said no door shut, and visually showed DH what her definition of a closed door was. YSD uses the excuse that our BD goes in her room or that she's crying, or that she & BF have no privacy. DH says they should have privacy - after all, she's 19. DH says it doesn't bother him...I know we're not supposed to judge, but...his oldest daughter had a baby at 19 (while she was still living at home), and in August 2009, we found out that one of the twins (who was 19) was pregnant. We got to the place with the second one that the BF was living here...and I was pregnant and on bed rest. I have nothing against young, single mothers...in fact I had my son when I was 18. The difference is this: knowing what happened to me, because I was 18 and allowed to be alone with my BF in his room, I got pregnant....I know what 18 & 19 year old boys think about and do. Does DH want this to happen to daughter #3?

Turtles - you're completely

Turtles - you're completely right...in fact, yesterday during church, I was sitting in the choir loft next to my mom, and as DH started into "pastor" mode, I leaned over and said to her "the more i hear him in front of everyone being the "pastor", the more I realize what a fake he is". That's a terrible thing to say about your DH..but that's where I am. I have been tempted in the past to go to one of the elders and tell them what has been going on. If I want to save my marriage, that would definitely be a bad move. He'd kick my ass to the curb.
"I'm really surprised he doesn't have higher standards for his daughters." Yeah, me too. I've mentioned that and his response (as well as our counselors) is "you can't control their behavior." Yeah, well, you can control yours. What kind of father is okay with his daughters having sex in his house - in YSD case, in the bedroom right next to ours? Part of DH problem is consistency. After the session with the counselor, he talked to YSD and told her it was inappropriate (although he said he was doing it because I had such a problem with it,not him), and they would have to keep the door opened. That lasted a week tops. When I would say something to him about the door, he would have a fit,, and we'd end up fighting. I love the idea of taking the door off the hinge - I wish I had enough guts to do that.

Here's the kicker - I have a BD16. She has had a boyfriend for almost a year, and at the beginning of the relationship, I made it very clear to her that they need to stay upstairs (when we moved in, neither one of his girls were asked to move, so both of my girls have bedrooms in the basement). She doesn't understand why it's okay for YSD to have the lights out and the door closed, when all she wants is to be able to go downstairs. A few times, I've let them...with the rule that the light is on, and the door is WIDE open. Now I'm not stupid, so I'm sure if they had the opportunity, they'd be doing something bad too...the point is that in the couple of times she's done this, she abides by the rules - because she knows it's a privilege. She also knows I'm consistent. When they are downstairs, I deliberately do laundry, so not only am I downstairs, but I have a great view of her room. I want to get the TV fixed down there in the family room, so they can go downstairs and watch TV (and stay out of her room). I can't win.

Hello, It's interesting to

Hello,

It's interesting to hear the same thing over and over. Our skids continue to get away with such disrespect and we continue to take it. However after 15 years of the hate and disrespect...I had to disengage. Here's what works....stop trying so hard, they don't care and they are out to get you. They know just how to spin you every way possible....when they are nic, you get goo goo. Never underestimate what their goal is, they want you gone. Also, you have had a big target on your back from day one. They are not your children and their mothers are just standing by waiting for you to fail, per their recommendation and the skids know it (adult or children).

Unfortunately as women we inherently want acceptance...it does not work in this situation. I would be darned if I would take a hateful, disrespectful grown skid on vacation with me after they did nothing but disrespect me. Furthermore, I know how difficult it is when the parent gives little or no support, it can be like you are in the situation by yourself. Here's a new take on it unless you want to be so stressed out you can't function...much like how I have always felt. Until, I finally went to counseling and wow I met the worlds best family counselor, she has a complete take on how all of this works.

She asked me if "I was stupid and did I like being abused". I was stunned, when I replied... she told me " stop trying...now"! Get your life back together the way it was before they came into your life!.. She also told me that "if you are not getting total support on this matter from the parent...you never will". She's right the parent wants you to take care of their situation and take abuse because it takes all the pressure off them and then they come out looking like the cool parent and you get stepped on! Hmmmm...that's not fair you are their partner and you deserve support but 90% of the time you will always be on the sidelines looking in. So do yourself a favor, disengage and find something else to do when they come over (I say it is your house too, let them go somewhere else if they can't respect you in your home)!! Go out with friends or find something that interest you! When you are put in situations that involves the parent and skid...let them handle it. You do not have to deal with it because they will break you if you let them!