bm moving in to new bf parents house... expects to share a bed!
Ok, maybe I'm hyper sensitive. Maybe I'm over dramatic, or heaven forbid maybe I'm right!
There is no formal custody agreement between Bm and dh. They never married, Bm has been in and out, but collects cs. My sd5 will be starting school this fall. Bm wants to try and be a mom, so she asked if her bd could move in with her and we split time between houses.... We support the bonding time, but expect her to fail... But that's another story..
My problem, to prepare for this change, Bm moved into her bf parents house. There is no room for sd5 to have her own room, so Bm solution/plan is that Bm, bf and kid will sleep in bf bed. Sharing a room/bed. We are freaked out and disgusted by this. My dh and I think it is inappropriate for a child her age to be sleeping nightly in bed with bf; regardless if Bm is there. We are debating turning her request down and trying to get primary temp custody written out until a bed is supplied for my sd.
Bm is trying to justify to us this arrangement, and the regular co sleeping, but we think she's messed up! Dh told her we were not comfortable with her plan, Bm turned around and threatened to take kid away from us.... We'll never see kid again, etc.
Are we just prudes? My sd will be just shy of 6 when school/this move would occur...
My sd does think the bf is nice, but c'mon. Bm has been with him in an on/off crazy relationship... Not really a stable environment...
we were told sleeping
we were told sleeping arrangments didn't matter by a judge. Even if we didn't like them as long as "she wasn't making them sleep out in the rain or in a barn" it didn't matter if they had their own room, bed or slept on the floor. One thing you can do... this was done to my SO at one time. If you know they are sharing the same bed/bedroom as your SD, you can get a protection order in place for the child against the new BF. All you have to put on there is they are having sex in the present of the child. Now this is something a judge signs or doesn't sign it goes into place and he can't be within so many feet of the child. That's at least what happend in our state. Then a hearing is set up for 2-3 weeks later where both parties have a say in their part.
Sort of depends how you want to play things. I would reccomend making the BM think your on her side for right now and get something put into writing. You can tell her you will continue to pay CS but in our state CS and custody are two different things, even if you agree in writing to pay CS, it can always be amended.
I have to admit your post
I have to admit your post kind of scares me. I would have thought there would be some way to force her into providing a bed for my sd.
The entire lack of custody agreement between Bm and my dh leaves us in a tricky spot. At anytime she can just whisk the child away until we see a judge.
The cs was mandated by the state because Bm is on public assistance. The case manager informed us as long as Bm collects benefits dh has to pay cs regardless of the fact we primarily have the child.
Bm sold all of her bds
Bm sold all of her bds furniture in order to move in with this guy. My sd had a bed for the overnight visits with her mom. There was no space for her (bm or kid) stuff at this house so she sold everything but the electronics and clothes/toys.
I guess it's more of a matter who bm is more concerned about, herself or her daughters well being. I just can't fathom why any Bm would think it's ok for a young girl to be sharing a bed with any male. Bm is a big drinker, I can't help but think about those nights she'll be partying with her girl friends and my sd and this bf will be alone in bed. It just seems wrong! Almost 6 seems way too old to be co sleeping!
At our house she has her own room. She gets snuggles, and if she has nightmares we'll comfort her until she falls back asleep, but she sleeps solo. I couldn't fathom us three sleeping together nightly!
My husband already pays cs for this child. Bm wastes it away on herself. IF he didn't pay her hundreds already, and she was making a sincere effort to be a good mom I would even step in and help buy things for my sd to have at her house, but like I said, I think she's only thinking of herself and forgetting the basic needs of a small child!
My exH pulled the "co
My exH pulled the "co sleeping" crap for about a year after we split because he was too cheap to get them beds. They actually had a room, they just slept in bed with him. I called CPS and was told that it was inappropriate for a child to sleep with the parent as a full time solution. It's one thing is they have a nightmare and wind up in bed with a parent, but for it to be the only place to sleep is abuse. I could have opened a case, but instead just told him what they told me and said that he had until the next visitation to be beds for them or I would open a child abuse case against him. Needless to say, they got bunk beds.
My advice- Call CPS, see what they say in your area. You might wind up with custody since she is unable to provide for the child.
I don't think any judge would
I don't think any judge would be okay with a kid sleeping in the same bed as a non-bio parent. I don't know why your dh hasn't gone after full custody of this child yet. Before going to court, see if you can find a family counselor that can help them work out an agreement in the best interest of the child. I would BET a counselor would NOT go for her sleeping with the bf. And he/she might be able to get the bm to see why. BTW, I'm a proponent of co-sleeping, but this is wrong. Gives me the willies!
I think you should petition
I think you should petition for a custody order that reflects the status quo (your dh has primary custody) and make the sleeping arrangements part of that. Since they were never married and your dh has no legal standing, she can take off with his kid and there isn't much he can do about it. He needs a custody order. AND if he has a court order giving him primary custody, cs should go away whether she is on assistance or not. I'm not saying it will because this country's family court system is retarded, but it should. Either way, your dh needs to establish his rights as SD5's father.
You Dh needs to file for
You Dh needs to file for legal custody. Just as bm can take SD and deny visitation until there is an order, so can your Dh. He is her legal father, and while the child is in his possession he is under no obligation to turn her over to anyone without a court order.
She has a room at your home, she has clothes and toys, and I assume you two are the ones to drop her off and pick her up from daycare/school most days. It won't be hard to prove that you've had primary custody of her all this time. Get affidavits from her teachers, daycare, drs showing that you are the ones to be taking her. Take pictures of her room. Take pictures of her with date/time stamps to show how many days out of the week you have her. Ect ect.
Number one step though..... To for a free consult with a family law lawyer. They will know what your best option is with the laws in your state.
absolutely NOT! I agree with
absolutely NOT! I agree with you and DH 100%. BM must supply a bed for SD. You may need to go to court to fight this one out. This is completely inappropriate. Good luck!