I got 4 hours of sleep last night. That's 9 hours in 2 days. I am EXHAUSTED. I am also stuck with the kids all weekend due to FDH working. I feel alone and stuck. sd5 came in once at 3:00 am (bad dreams blah blah blah. FDH smooths her over, go back to bed blah blah blah) sd5 comes in at 3:30am - same bullshit decides she is going to sleep on the floor next to the bed. ss3 comes in at 4:00am (daddyyyy? daddddddyyyyyyy? No response from happily sleeping FDH so he leaves) I still havent been able to go back to sleep from the 2nd time sd5 came in. ss3 getting no response leaves. door slam. (he ALWAYS slams doors. He hasnt figured out how to shut them properly. 4:30 ss3 enters again, tries to wake sd5 up. I came unglued. I screamed at the top of my lungs. I KNEW I was going to be stuck here all fucking day and required to do the grocery shopping with 3 kids in tow. I KNEW I was the one getting fucked out of the deal. See last night sd5's behavior at the school fun fair was deplorable. She was out of control and had no manners whatsoever, and by the end of the night ss3 was refusing to listen or be guided anywhere in a school of what seemed like 1,000 people.

They wanted to have movie night after the fun fair but sd5 seems to think she can act like shit in public and then skip off afterwards to no consequences. I asked FDH if he thought it would be ok or fair to ixnay the movie night and tell them the behavior was unacceptable but that we can try again saturday night. sd9 was a DREAM and was so good and helpful there that she asked if she could have movie night alone (she originally had wanted to alone anyways) and sleep on the couch downstairs. I said this was fine. sd5 was all meltdown when she finds out she will not be having movie night or sleeping downstairs and that she would be sleeping in her bed alone. She HATES being alone. She has to be with someone always. She doesn't understand the concept of alone time. So I explain what happened, consequences, second try, etc. everyone goes to bed yada yada. I was EXHAUSTED. I had been up since 5am yesterday morning after having gone to bed at 12:30am the night before. I fell asleep on the couch with sd9 and at about 10:30 fdh woke me up to take me upstairs. I was up for about another half hour after that on and off and then fell into a nice deep sleep. Cue sd5 to come fuck it allll up.

I HATE being woken up by children unless they are sick or hurt. I hate hearing bullshit "Im scaaaared" In tiny whiny voices at 3am. I hate my door being slammed 8 times in 2 and a half hours by the rotation of kids. I HATE kids in my room period. I am NOT a morning person. I am NOT a can-run-on-4-hours-of-sleep kinda gal. I need a solid 7-8 hours.

I feel like i give 10000% percent to this family and all i want is to be able to spend my 7 hours uninterrupted recharging.

When I came unglued I fricken screamed and yelled and scared the shit out of FDH and uninvited bedroom guests. I got my blanket and pillow and marched to sd15s room who was at my moms for the night. Tried to go back to sleep. Couldnt. Its 5am and I have already been up for 2 and a half hours! I get in my car and leave. Drive around, get some food. Come back, try to sleep. Nope. Fast forward. FDH comes in at 10:30am, half hour before he has to leave for work to talk about said middle of the night incident. Tells me he thinks I give sd5 more credit than she deserves that she didnt think to herself oh i didnt get movie night so now im going to have my way and sleep in dad's room. This is the first time she has come in in the middle of the night in months probably. Really? Coincidence? My thinking is that she didn't do it for revenge of the movie night - my thinking is that she's so damn co-dependent that she cant deal with sleeping in her room alone for ONE fucking night. Her brother ss3 NORMALLY stays in his room all night. By himself. Alone. With no one to hold his hand. He says shes just 5. I say 5 is plenty old to not get out of your fucking bed. She had a LAMP on in her room. Not a dinky night light. Her door wasnt shut. I didnt leave her in darkness surrounded by scary things by herself. She was in her room with her lamp, nightlight and door open with the hall light on and in her bunk bed 40 feet from the ground.

I tried explaining the giving vs. what was being taken and the recharging batteries. His response was that I had answered my own question than about whether or not I wanted to have a child because they wake you up all the time as infants. Every hour on the hour. I pretty much wanted to kick his face in. How DARE you tell me that I am not cut out for it because your children wont stay the fuck in bed? How do YOU know that I wont learn to adjust or MAYBE my baby would be like me as an infant and sleep through the night from day 1? You don't. That was basically his way of saying too bad, so sad, that's part of children. Great I get that. Whatever. If I am so inclined I will have a child when I am damn good and ready. No one said you had to be the father asshole. Perhaps my baby won't want to sleep in our room until he/she is 41 years old anyways.

Despite my attitude towards him about it I'm starting to feel like maybe I am just not cut out for this job. Just because you make jello well doesn't mean you should become a chef. Just because I am (in other persons opinions - not tooting my own horn) a good step parent doesn't mean that that is what I should do with my life? I feel like I gave up so much to be here. Financial independence, freedom, friendships, my sex life, time, energy. My steps are good kids. They have their moments but overall its just child stuff. I just sometimes have this desire to find a nice man without any kids, ex-wives, or various other attachments. I realize in hindsight these types have their own issues but sometimes the thought is alluring.

I just find myself more and more these days feeling alone, forgotten, lost in the shuffle and becoming more introverted. I'm not really an introvert by nature but I guess I feel like I'm bending over backwards to give my skids everything I can, I don't even know why and that in the end I'm turning myself "inside out". Does anyone understand that? Inside out? I feel like I'm not even myself anymore. It's no ones fault. My skids aren't horrible or mean to me. BM doesn't even exist for the very most part (in fact she even told the kids via phone call last night that once we move she doesnt have enough money to fly them anywhere so she wont be seeing them anymore - more on that later), and I have FDH's support the 25 minutes he's home each week. I'm not a doormat and FDH doesn't just get away with anything or have me here waiting on him hand and foot. I don't understand why I feel the way I do.