My "Lovely" Easter
While sitting at church, SD12 asks DH why he and I are going to Colorado (for a wedding). She asks to come, too then says she doesn't want to go to Florida this year...she "hates" it and if we go, she will be staying at home. DH said, "you aren't going anyways because you always act like a brat on vacation and your mother and I need a relaxing trip." He said she could stay with her grandparents and she said "fine". In the car on our way to a nice restaurant (while SD's MP3 player was blaring), I told DH that maybe we should let SD fly to Colorado with us and not take the bios, then take the bios to Florida but not SD to make things "fair". Why do I have these brief moments where I feel bad for SD and want to make her happy?
At the restaurant (with my parents, sisters (adult, 14, 16) and brother-in-law), SD started singing lyrics to a song over and over that said "so what if I get high". DH of course yelled at her for it and said if she ever does, she will be done for. Then she tells my 14 year old sister that she is going to find someone to rape her! Out loud where everyone could hear her! I told her "you know, SD...if you annoy me when we go do fun things like this together, then you will be excluded and no longer get to do fun things with me...so even though it may be fun to annoy me...you are only hurting yourself". DH then told her she was going to go to Colorado with us, but now she isn't because she can't even go two hours without causing drama. She also ordered the most expensive thing on the menu and when I told her how much her meal would be costing, that she better eat it and she better appreciate it, she just smiled and with drama said "oh really? Hahaha, I am SOOO expensive, hahahaha". She just laughed. I paid for her meal, she wasn't thankful...instead she bitched that I wouldn't buy her a rare steak. I am the kind of person that buys water when we go out to save money and be healthy...she ordered a pop, steak and then had to add $2 worth of toppings to the steak. It probably shouldn't irritate me, but it did. If she was grateful and appreciative...I really wouldn't mind so much...but I hate spending $16 on a meal for an ungrateful brat. She didn't eat all of the steak of course and left her leftovers sitting on the counter at home to go bad.
At least DH doesn't want her going on vacation with us. But I am seriously disturbed that she sings about getting high and tells my sister she will find someone to rape her! She is seriously messed up!
I'm disturbed by what she
I'm disturbed by what she says too, and I think your DH needs to look into getting her intensive counseling. He can get recommendations and phone numbers of good, qualified counselors who help preteens with issues like this. The counselor can teach SD how to handle her feelings in a healthy way, and teach dad how to handle the situation in a way that'll help SD.
I would not.let a 12 year old
I would not.let a 12 year old have free rein of the menu. 16 dollars for a child's meal is rediculous. I also order drinks of water for the whole table when we go out to eat. If they order from the kids menu (they are 9 and 10) then a small soda usually come with their meals, and if not, water it is.
Also, as soon as she made the snotty comment about money she should have been pulled from the table and spoken to, and then given a price cap and told to pick somethin g else if she was going to have that kind of attitude.
My 11 SS tries to order what
My 11 SS tries to order what he wants off the menu. Thankfully most places are 12 and under are still on the childs menu. So we make him order from that. If he's over the age limit then his dad approves his selection. We know he eats so slow and is so distracted he couldn't ever begin to finish an adult menu item. Our kids are only allowed water or sprite for beverage choices, and sprite only if they are good and have earned it. I wonder if she even really understands "rape"? Either way it's very distrubing! She nees a good sit down to explain how serious something like that is, and shouldn't be used lightly. My SS also cranks up his iPod, and wants to croon with his music, thankfully most of it's country, but only in the car. He has to leave it there when we arrive where ever we are going. I find I would rather listen to his music and tone deaf singing than his snotty comments in a confined space IE the car. Keeps him entertained.
As far as the Colorado trip I wouldn't want to take her. I'm sure it's only for a few day's you and your husband need a few days to yourselves. She'll just go and be sulky and snotty the whole time most likely. Why reward that behavior with a trip to CO.
If I was your DH I would be
If I was your DH I would be really embarassed about your sd's behaviour. Particularly the disturbing comments she made.
I think if she acts like an immature moron then she should be treated as one. So that includes you or DH ordering on behalf from now on, excluding her from some family events (am sure your parents were thrilled to hear what she said to your 14 yr old sister). I know my parents wouldnt have taken me out if I acted like she did, I would be put with a babysitter while they went out and had fun. Regardless if my brother went too, I would not be. Nor would I be rewarded by going on holiday or ordering expensive food.
I'm glad to hear so many of
I'm glad to hear so many of you limit what the kids order at restaurants. She has always irritated me at restaurants when I want to save money. I don't feel a child should order something more expensive than I do...especially when she is completely ungrateful...but she does all the time. I am sending some of your comments to DH so he can see that my thinking is the norm and he should limit what she gets. She added $2 of extras to her steak...I was steaming but since DH didn't say anything, I let it go. Now tonight while the rest of us eat spaghetti, she will be eating the half of her steak she didn't eat...well would have been if she hadn't left it on the counter. I also do not think THAT is fair. She orders a ton so she has leftovers...what about the rest of us? I don't order two meals worth for me or the bios...NOT FAIR!
She does it to annoy you and
She does it to annoy you and because she evidentally doesnt see ordering expensive food as a gift. The fact she made disrespectful, rude comments to you about it being expensive and a treat tells me she believes she is entitled to whatever she wants and that she shouldnt have to thank anyone or consider the cost. She is 12, not 2, so I would expect more from her. More so when she also deliberately set out to embrass YOU in front of your family.
I will put money on it she didnt thank you for her meal? Unbelievable. I would ALWAYS ask if I could order x, and would ensure it wasnt too expensive for whomever was paying for it. I would ALWAYS thank that person, yes even my parents. I would have been ordered for if I had acted like sd, and tbh in your shoes I would take control of the situation next time (I would avoid a next time though as she doesnt deserve to be taken out for a meal) and tell sd "no sd, you arent ordering a steak. Your budget for the meal is $ no extras as you waste it and are rather ungrateful when you DO have nice things..." Then if she orders whatever she wants, inform the waiter/waitress "sorry about my little sd, she isnt permitted to have that. So sd, you can have x or z."
If she refuses, then she goes without. Then ignore her. Its not going to kill her to go without one meal and she can help herself to some toast when she gets home. Or alternatively order her something and if she doesnt eat it, then take it home and she doesnt get anything until she does it eat plus she doesnt get to go out until she can behave herself. As I said she isnt a baby, so she needs to quit acting like a brat.
^^^^that is exactly how I
^^^^that is exactly how I wanted to handle the situation. But according to a therapist, SD resents me and I am supposed to back off and not parent her at all, while DH parents her. SD doesn't irritate him as much as she does me. By this time he had already yelled at her for her behavior, I think he feels guilty and therefore lets some things slide. I wanted to say to him "really? She needs steak AND shrimp on top?" But I didn't want to say it in front of her and then him not agree with me.
And no, she didn't thank me. I always thanked my parents, too. My little sisters ordered cheap stuff off the menu and thanked my mom...no thank you from SD.
I really think that stupid therapist just played into SD games and let SD get her way. Why shouldn't the woman that raised her the last almost 8 years be able to parent her? Sure DH needs to step up, but that doesn't mean I should back off. But SD doesn't like it when I parent her...so let's give the little brat what she wants.
Oh, and she knows what "rape"
Oh, and she knows what "rape" means. She set up a secret FB account at a friends house that said she wouldn't put her location so no one can track her down and rape her. She can no longer be trusted out of our sight...so I get NO break from her.
I think it's time for a
I think it's time for a different therapist! If she's acting out at 12 like this I can hardly imagine her at 16 or 17! I hope something positive happens soon for the whole families sake. She really knows who to take an inch and run a mile it seems. Good luck! Keep your chin held high your the grown up and more mature just never for get that!
The problem isn't with the
The problem isn't with the therapist, it's with her dad! He needs to step up and discipline, and start getting upset with her antics! She is doing it because she is getting away with it. Regarding the lyrics, if you don't want her spouting off the lyrics, take the MP3. You can't let her listen to whatever she wants and then not expect blowback. She wouldn't know those lyrics if she wasn't allowed to listen to them!
I agree, and he is stepping
I agree, and he is stepping up...it is just so late that he has a lot of "un-doing" to do.
As far as the MP3 and what she listens to...we could take it away, we could say no you-tube, etc. Unless we lock the girl in the house and give her no privacy at all...she will find a way to listen to it. She had a secret FB account she did at her grandparents. We found and deleted it. Then she made another at a friend's house and blocked everyone in the family so we couldn't find it. This girl finds ways to do whatever she wants.
What do I think we need to do? Lock her in her room with no access to any electronics, no door on her bedroom, no phones to use, no time with friends unless at school and CONSTANT SUPERVISION!
I doubt all that will happen...so I will have to continue coming here to vent and trying to maintain my sanity!