I'm wondering if this happens to anyone else and if so, what are some ways to deal with it? I seem to have a very hard time reconciling with my SD4 at times... I just find that if she and I get into an argument over something or if she begins to act out and we are not getting along, she sometimes makes it even harder for me to want to reconcile with the behaviors she exhibits after these episodes. Just to be clear, I realize 4 is very young but she is very advanced for her age and definitely able to converse with us. I have worked tirelessly on educating her both through a good school which she attends daily and also through the use of fun projects I make up for her. The problems I usually run into are when she clams up for no reason and becomes mute. Everything will have been going great all day and then something will just snap and she decides she wants to pout and not say a word. This becomes very frustrating in particular when we are in the middle of learning and she answered the same question correctly moments ago but now cannot seem to even speak a word. I'm sure I take it a little too personally but it's hard for me to help it. I just can't understand what happens to her when she cannot recall something from moments prior and no amount of helpful hints, guiding questions, or coaxing from me will bring her to say anything, even if it's not the right answer. As a result, I get frustrated and walk away to just give her time and not push the issue. I tell her to come to me when she is ready and usually ask her father to take over any duties that need finishing. The problem is she doesn't come to me and instead starts acting helpless, clings to her father, and just exhibits behaviors she knows I wouldn't let her get away with or that she knows she doesn't normally do. Examples of this are:

-Getting her father to help her with homework as if she's never done it before when it's something she does normally with no help or doing it incorrectly with him when it's something she has done correctly countless times with me
-Bringing toys/snacks to school when I've told her countless times she loses her toys and that the school doesn't want her bringing anything (dad is no help in this area as he tells her yes)
-An exaggerated need to kiss her father and tell him he she loves him every 2 minutes
-A general forgetfulness of her daily routine & manners (not taking off shoes when home, forgetting to wash her hands, not saying please and thank you, etc...)
-Getting out of bed frequently to pretend to use the bathroom or to give daddy yet another kiss goodnight
-Whispering questions into her father's ear as she knows I wouldn't allow whatever it is she is asking for and looking at me triumphantly when he says yes

All these things just get to me so much and it's hard to not feel like she does it on purpose. I know she's 4 and this is the excuse my husband gives all the time to explain her behaviors but I feel he also gives her far less credit than I do. He often tries to tell me "she can't do that" when I assign some tasks to her and then is surprised that she actually can. For this reason I feel she is smarter and more aware of her actions than he wants to believe. Plus she's smart enough to know when she got one over me and will rub it in my face. "Daddy said I could" sounds so sickening to me when she is gleefully showing off something he allowed that I didn't. So as a result, I am having a hard time coming around at times because it's like she is adding salt to the wound rather than allowing it to heal. Do any of you have any suggestions for dealing with this childish behavior and not letting it bother me so much? I really adore my SD but I just refuse to be stepped on and give in when I feel it's not deserved. I don't want to sound cold either as I definitely am not. She respects me more than anyone including her own father which is completely apparent in the way she acts when all is fine with us. She runs past him and straight to me when she is scared, hurt, or sad so I know I mean the world to her and she calls me mommy despite her bio-mom trying to pull that title from me. Her bio-mom asks her to call me step-mommy but she told me she hates calling me that and only does it in front of her. That statement alone should prove she is intelligent beyond her years. I think it's because she's so smart that I have a hard time believing that she isn't aware of how hurtful and wrong her behavior is. She may not grasp the full extent of it but I have taught her respect and treating people the way you would want to be treated. I just need to figure out what I can do to not feel so hurt by her and make reconciliation possible in a quicker manner. It's been two days since she and I have said much of anything to one another due to the most recent altercation and I'm dying to be back to normal.