7 year old step daughter still wets her pants
Hi, I just came across this site and I was hoping I could get some advice or suggestions. My step daughter is 7 and constantly wets her pants because she waits till the last possible second to go to the bathroom and by then its too late. This happens anytime she is playing or watching TV or in the car out out shopping...pretty much anytime. My husbands ex assures me that it never happens at her house which I find hard to believe. We have taken her to her dr 3 times so far and everytime is given a clean bill of health. Its getting to the point where I am washing her clothes on a daily dasis and scrubbing furniture because of it. Not to mention trying to stay on top of the smell from it.
I(we) have tried talking to her, time outs, grounding, making her help with the clean up and washing..everything. I dont mean to sound bad when I say this but our house is starting to smell like pee! Can anyone here relate to what I am going through? I just dont know what to do anymore. She isnt the slightest bit embarrassed that she does it and half the time she will continue playing in wet pants! She still wets the bed about 1-2 times a week and I think that as well is laziness on her part because when I go in to check on her or wake her, I have found her in a wet bed before she is even asleep. I am praying someone here can offer me some suggestions on how I can get her to stop, or at least minimize the laundry. Thank you everyone for your time.
Katie
i would make her do the
i would make her do the laundry. all of it. i would not let her play games. why, because she cannot figure out how to play games AND pee. so cut the games. maybe if she has only one thing to focus on she would do better.
I'm having the same kind of
I'm having the same kind of issue. My 6 1/2 yr. old stepdaughter still pees her pants and doesn't wipe properly even though she has been showed at least 100 times. She has been back and forth to the hospital for kidney infections. She has missed weeks of school because of this and no matter how many times you talk to her about this, the only thing she cares about if when she can get her tv back or play games on the computer. She has been spoke to by both her mother, father and doctor and it still doesn't click with her. I'm at my wits and and not sure what to do about this. Can anyone give me any advise?
and when i mean do laundry, i
and when i mean do laundry, i mean by hand. get a step stool. make her wash her undies etc by hand in the sink.
Thank you. I do (when we
Thank you. I do (when we have time) make her scrub her pants in the tub and then make her bring them down to the laundry room. The frustrating thing about it is that she wont say anything and will continue playing in wet pants and will sit on the couch or wherever without a care in the world. I cant tell you how many times I have had to scrub the furniture because of it. I feel she is WAY too old to still be having "accidents"....I dont even call them accidents anymore. I feel like I am chained to the washing machine and I have to make sure to wash her clothes separately because I dont want them mixed in with our things. I hate to say this but its like I have a 2 year old here not a 7 yrar old. I dont know any other child her age that does that and doesnt even care. Is there anyway I can avoid having to wash all the time and scrub furniture??? Thank you again for all your help.
Katie
you also need to make her dad
you also need to make her dad start cleaning the furniture and doing the laundry. when he experiences the problem, he will see it as real.
Him clean??? lol just
Him clean??? lol just kidding. He does help out when he can but he works long hours. He does step up and help and I love him for that but it just isnt enough sometimes. I feel she shouldnt be doing this in the first place. She is too old not to care.
Katie
does she do it at school? if
does she do it at school?
if she is only doing it at your house it seems like a defiance issue.
We had a night-time issue
We had a night-time issue with my SD. We did discover it was actually a bowel issue. Her intestines were so full of poo that it pushed on her bladder. Added fiber filled foods and daily doses of Benefiber added secretly to her favorite foods did help some.
I hate to tell you, but punishment won't work, and it can even make the problem worse if she feels you hate her for it. YES- do have her clean after herself. At her age, this is a problem that she needs to take some responsibility for, even if she has no control over her bladder.
We used pull-ups and had a plastic mattress cover on her bed. When we went to stay with family, we carried a plastic table cloth with us to put underneath her when she slept.
And, I hate to tell you this too... My SD continued to wet the bed until she was 14. The same month she started her first period, she quit wetting the bed.
We went from pull-ups to pads. LOL, but she's never had an accident since...
Thanks fabmom, my husband has
Thanks fabmom, my husband has actually told her on more then one occasion that we are going to start having her wear pull ups and she giggled and said OK!! I too thought that she would be embarrassed having to wear a pull up. She knows the difference between a pull up and a diaper so I think thats why it didnt bother her. She can put them on and take them off like her reg underwear. I had to bite my tongue because I was about to tell her that I was going to get diapers instead! I know that might sound mean but I was thinking it would embarrass her just enough to want to stop.
Does he still wear the pull ups and does he know the difference betweeen a pull up and diaper? Like I said, she thinks pull ups are just liek reg underwear....just padded.
Done, thankfully she does not have issues at school. She doesnt want to be embarrassed in front of her friends. She knows exactly what she is doing. I catch her doing the potty dance and she still denies she has to go and flat our refuses to try to go. Thanks again everyone!
Katie
if she has no issue at school
if she has no issue at school or at her moms...just with you guys, it is clearly an overt act of aggression acts you, her father and your home.
i would not say medical doctor...take her to a shrink.
Lastwife, I am sorry you went
Lastwife, I am sorry you went through that with yours. I know its nothing medically wrong as she doesnt have any issues at school and like I mentioned, I catch her doing the potty dance and she still adamantly denies she has to go. Thankfully, she doesnt have poop issues, other then when she "forgets" to wipe and she ends up with poo stained underwear and I have had to throw out countless pairs because of it.
Katie
Done, honestly, I have
Done, honestly, I have considered having her talk to someone about this...a dr that deals with these sort of things. Having not having kids myself, I knew there would be trust and adjustment issues but nothing like this. She does sometimes act immature and does that annoying baby-talking which I try SOO hard to ignore or simply tell her to use her big girl voice when talking because I cant understand her. I still have a hard time understanding her doing these things isnt embarrassing for her. Granted, like I said, she doesnt do it in front of her friends at school and she only has a few friends that I know of. She does call me mom so its not an issue of her thinking I am taking her moms place. I was worried about that and I told her right up front that she can call me anything she wants and that she doesnt have to call me mom if she doesnt want to. I also have a hard time beleiving that she doesnt do any of this at bio moms house. Thanks again everyone and I look forward to anymore ideas and suggestions you have.
Katie
Mommy I know exactly what you
Mommy I know exactly what you are talking about! It doesnt matter how much febreeze I use, you still cant get the smell totally out. Even with the mattress protector on her bed, her mattress is pretty much ruined because she will rip and tear them because she doesnt like the noise they make. I get a good workout having to flip the mattress every week or so. There are times where I cant go in her room without gasping because of the smell. I have even looked around for the mattresses that hospitals use (the plastic backed ones) but OMG they are expensive!! At least with them I can wipe them off and I dont have to worry about it getting ruined and stained. Is there any out there thats affordable? I too am a bit embarrassed to have people over and the last time my friend came over, she asked me if I had a cat!! She appologized after I explained to her my sistuation. Thank god for friends like that.
Katie
K8tie, boy do I feel and
K8tie, boy do I feel and lived your frustration. OK, you said we could post on this, so here goes:
I have SS14 who still pees the bed at night. They had him on some god awful meds for it that didn't work in the slightest, so I researched and showed DH all the HORRIBLE side effects (including man boobs),and finally got him off those. PAS is real bad w/BM and of course her excuses are that SS14 has a "sleep disorder" and had brain washed DH and SS14 that is what was going on.
So, my 1st step was to get him in pull-ups at night right away. It is absolutely ridiclous to be doing all this laundry constantly and have the house smell like pee, (and like you was kinda hoping it would embarrass him enough to cut it out and of course it didn't), plus we give him the $ and HE has to go into the store to buy them again hoping it would embarrass him enooug, but didn't. 2nd step was to take him to medical doc and get it established there was nothing medically wrong and there wasn't. 3rd step was to PROVE to DH that it was simply laziness on S14's part which took forever, but now he's got this, FINALLY!
BM whispers about it and makes sure it is kept secret and acts like it doesn't happen as long as he washes his own sheets which consists of her telling him to put the sheets in the washer, her telling him to go put them in the dryer, her telling him to go put them on his bed, etc. If I told you everything that I have tried this post would probably take up all the memory on this site, lol! So, I'll just get to the things that are finally working:
Got him 2 incredibly loud radio clocks that consist of 4 alarms total, which are set to radio you can turn the volume to full blast. Each alarm is set every 2 hours. He has to drain his bladder before he goes to bed and when each alarm goes off, he must get up out of bed, shut it off and go to the bathroom.
--If he fails to get up to each alarm and go to the bathroom, then there are consequences of MY choice, and I pick toilet scrubbing or whatever I feel he is capable of doing that he hates, or worst of all....the dreaded excersize such as a certain number of push ups, or suicides. You will know what your partucular child doesn't like depending on age or personality.
Due to yours being 7 yrs old, my advice to you is get DH on board 1st, then sit 'lil one down and explain that from now on you guyz will be setting a timer EACH and EVERY hour, and she will be expected to drop whatever she is doing and go to the bathroom. It shouldn't be an option that she says she doesn't have to go b/c that obviously isn't working out. Then you can implement an every couple hours at night or however you feel her pattern is.
It IS a pain, but with consistency and accountability for the behavior you can change this and there is hope. It won't be easy but it will work. Funny enough, he doesn't still continues to pee the bed at BM's house, but not here. :O
thats a really good idea and
thats a really good idea and its worth at least a try! i was gonna say if its not too much pain ask the bm how she got her to stop there, talk to a therapist or someone to see what other stratagies might work but it sounds to me that its not laziness but theres actually some sort of psychological something going on here... or u could make a chart saying everytime she goes when the timer goes off she gets a point or whatever and when the chart is full u can all go out on a family outing or reward her with a pack of undies of her choice since alot of them have been ruined im sure... im trying to potty train my 2 and a half year old... jeez... i cant imagine what this would be like... i have much sympathy for u!
Thats what I "try" to do now
Thats what I "try" to do now but she ALWAYS doesnt have to go and has a fit everytime I make her..or try to make her. Its sad, I shouldnt have to take a 7 year old potty! Thanks everyone and I had no idea I would get this many responses this fast!!! THANK YOU!!!
Katie
First I want to say how I
First I want to say how I totally get it!! I am going through the same thing with my sister (I am parenting my sister and was unable to find this sort of thing elsewhere and am really just looking for support on parenting her since I'm not her bm). She too just turned 7 and has never (to my knowlege) been dry. We have had to take a completely different approach and before anyone attacks me here, please hear me out.
There is a very real possibility that she donesn't notice the urge until its too late, and by the time she gets to the pee pee dance, it IS too late. If you insist that she go to the potty at that point, you are likely to be met with resistance (as you have) because she's embarassed that you've noticed and she knows full well what's about to happen at that point and is attmepting to gain some control of the situation and of what is going to end up happening (she's going to wet her pants so is trying hard not to and in all likelihood knows its going to upset you, embarass her, and get her disciplined for not going to the potty sooner). I could be way off base here, but it sounds like the things she's doing and saying are pretty much identical to what my sister does.
I have taken a HUGE step back since this was brought to my attention. To the point where if she's doing the pee pee dance, I look at her and say "I notice you are squirming. I wonder how you feel right now". So far (this is fairly new for her), I have yet to get a response but I am hoping by acknowleging what she is doing (without acknowleging WHY, because thats what gets them defensive), it causes her to realize that the urge is there. Often they do the dance/cross their legs/hold thier privates as a response without even thinking about it. Now the hard part (from my perspective) is to let her fail. If she is headed toward an accident, let her. Yes, urine smell is awful, but she's a little girl and honestly there are a LOT of kids her age that dont make it to the bathroom in time. With my sister, there is no such thing as a "dampening" or a "little accident". When she pees, she pees and once she starts, she cant stop so when she has an accident, she's soaking wet. At that point, I say "uh oh. It looks like you peed your pants. Lets fix it" or "uh oh, what happened?". I NEVER ask "did you pee your pants?" The answer is obvious and makes her respond with a yes (which is hard because it means admitting she's made a mistake) or no (which is a lie and I dont handle lying well). My sister also has some attachment issues so I've had to really look at it where I dont abandon her because she's wet her pants. I work with her to fix it. At that point there is nothing we can do but clean it up. She would often hide (ashamed), and sometimes would hide places to pee herself for fear of me telling her "go potty". She has now come to me a few times (for her, its huge) and told me "Amy, I had an accident". There are times where she may sit in it and wait for it to dry and you may not notice. It doesn't really happen here like that very often, but if it does, and you smell the pee, dont admit to her that you know. Make up some kind of excuse why she should go have a shower (getting close to bedtime, to give extra time after dinner for spending time with her, etc) but whatever you do, do NOT ask her if she peed her pants. This will only put her on the spot and encourage her to lie which will cause your frustration to increase, etc. Its like when you have a puppy and you notice after the fact, you cant really go back and scold them for something they did hours ago. Its too late. Same thing here.
Let her make mistakes. Let her pee her pants if that's what she's about to do. Do not micromanage it for her. She needs to learn to pick up on the signals. If she acts like she doesnt care, honestly, its likely because she's trying her best not to draw attention to it. But immediately after she wets, say to her "uh oh, what happened?" or something like that. Be caring and understanding and patient. Dont let her wander around it wet pants and dont let her pretend it didn't happen (that does nothing to teaching her to listen to her urge to pee). Acknowlege it immediately, but be careful not to be threatening and look at it like an opportunity to TEACH her to listen to her signals and not an opportunity to discipline her.
I dont know if you're a spanker or if your DH is a spanker, but in the event that she's ever received a spanking as a result of wetting her pants, that needs to be addressed. My sister's bm BEAT her (I am not necessarily against spanking kids, but what her bm did wasn't spanking her). She needs to know that will not happen again and that she can come to you if she makes a mistake (whether its wetting her pants or any other mistake... nobody is perfect) and acknowlege that it was a mistake to come down on her so harshly and to make her feel isolated and scared. Tell her that you are there to help her and acknowlege that you were frustrated and tell her "you must have been frustrated too".
At first she may have more accidents because you're not micromanaging it FOR HER and are leaving it in her court but the idea is that she will learn to make a connection between her bladder being full and her peeing her pants and being wet. Your expectation is that this shouldn't happen, but you need to let go of that. Comparing children is a bad idea and saying "I shouldn't have to deal with this. She should just know better" is unfair to her and isolating for her. Some kids are better at math than others, but nobody ever says "I shouldn't have to be pounding multiplication tables into her head... she should just know!". Its the same sort of thing. Yes, people do expect that by 7 kids should be dry, but the reality is that a fairly huge percentage of kids her age aren't but its not something that is shared in the open.
Good luck and I hope things are going better for you! Amy
If anyone would like to add
If anyone would like to add me as a friend, please do as I could really use one right about now. Thank you everyone for all your help and please keep the ideas and suggestions coming. I am open to try anything at this point!
Katie
If it makes you feel any
If it makes you feel any better..... my DD7 just came in here with different pants. She must have had an accident, when she came running in the house to pee. She hardly ever has an accident but there are the rare times. She cleans herself up though and most of the time puts the wet clothes in the dirty clothes herself.
I have a good friend that wet the bed until she turned 18. Her adoptive mother and father (who was actually her uncle) would make her wear the wet panties to school, would make her wash them by hand in cold water during the winter and then hang them out on the line before school. She has had to sleep in the bathtub and any other kind of punishment they could find. The doctor told them she would probably outgrow this as it was most likely physical. I think it was a mental problem however because the minute she got married, it stopped. She was almost completely treated as a slave and constantly reminded she wasn't good enough. I am not saying this is going on at your house but there is a good chance this is something she is having a hard time dealing with. My DD used to wet herself everytime she was at MIL's that I wasnt there, she was scared to go the bathroom by herself because MIL was usually outside. I understand 7 year olds can be very defiant but I have a hard time looking at my 7 year old daughter seeing her doing this on purpose.
Where, I am SOO sorry to hear
Where, I am SOO sorry to hear what your friend went through as a child. I would never make my daughter wear her wet pants to school, or sleep in a tub for that matter. But, I have made her scrub her pants in the tub and make her clean up the mess she made. Is your daughter embarrassed that she sometimes has accidents? I am surprised that it doesnt bother her at all, not even when we have company over. I am more embarrassed about it then she is.
Katie
K8tie, Make sure it is not an
K8tie, Make sure it is not an option and be consistent. Doesn't matter if she has to go or not, there is not a choice. After the 1st few times it will become a regular habit and won't be a problem as it will be routine. As it becomes better you can adjust the timing to less and less until it goes away. The important thing to always remember when it comes to the "step" situation is: Your house, your rules on your guyz'time w/the kiddo. Once you are able to get that piece down everything else becomes do-able. Knowing that little piece would have saved me alot of heartache and frustration.
Also, at the end of my earlier post what I meant to say was that he still pees the bed at BM's consistently, but not at our house. I would add ya if I could, but I'm new and don't know how...(sheepish grin).
Thanks coulda (I love that
Thanks coulda (I love that name by the way!) I added you as a friend. Look on the left and you will see messages and my relationships. You should see an invite from me in there.
Katie
Thanks 3girls for your
Thanks 3girls for your suggestion. While I do remind her to go every hour or so (havent tried every 30 minutes yet), but when I do remind her, she NEVER had to go and the only way to get her in the bathroom to try would be to physically bring her in there which I dont know if its something I should be doing. Yes, I have pleaded, bribed, begged and coaxed...there is only a 1 in 5 chance she will actually go. If it came down to physically bringing her in there, I beleive it should be her father as I just dont feel comfortable putting my hands on her like that, even though its merely just to drag her in there. I think I will also start taking away everything of hers that she plays with and also take away the TV and movies. Its going to be hell but I need to try something. Thanks again for your suggestion.
Katie
Thanks crayon! May I ask if
Thanks crayon! May I ask if and how the BM was dealing with this issue at her house? Like I mentioned before, I have been told that she does have this issue at her house which I find very hard to beleive. There is no way she can just be doing this at my house and not hers. From what I can tell, BM lets her get away with everything there and she doesnt have to follow any rules there. Thankfully, I have not had to deal with the pooping aside from the many times she doesnt wipe after pooping. I cant tell you how many pairs of underwear I have had to throw out because of it. She "claims" that she wipes but I know for a fact she doesnt because she rarely flushes and there is NO toilet paper in the toilet at all. Its sad that she will wander around the house in poopy underwear and not even care. I can smell it, my usband can smell it but she cant???
Even with her having to scrub and wash her clothes in the sink or tub, which I do make her do when time allows me to, I still have to deal with the laundry afterwards. And I am still overwhelmed with the smell. When someone comes to your house that has been there before asks you if you have a cat because of the smell, its pretty embarrassing to say the least! Did the BM do anything to help with the situation or did she pretend it didnt exsist? Like I said before, I believe she is SOO spoiled that she thinks she can do whatever she wants. I dont want to say she is babied there but thats what I can tell. She does this annoying baby-talking all the time and that gets under my skin. She has also asked to be carried when she feels she is too tired to walk on her own and tells me "but mom does!" when I tell her she is too old for that I will not carry a 7 year old. Granted, she is only right around 35 isb lbs, I still will NOT carry a 7 year old. Who knows what else goes on at her house that I am not aware of...I can only guess. She really doesnt talk about what she does at her house and I feel its not my right to pry. If she would like to tell me if something is happening that she doesnt like thats fine but me asking her would be wrong. I know its not normal for a 7 year old to still act like a 2 year old in these situations right? I mean having a new mom or dad ect... Thank you again for your post!
Katie
I just wanted to thank
I just wanted to thank everyone for all your help!! I cant beleive how friendly this site is. In a nutshell, what it boils down to is us (as a team) putting our foot down and making sure she follows OUR rules. I wish I knew how BM treats her at her house and what she lets her get away with there. I do know that BM still carries her like she was 2...who knows what else she does to baby her geeze. Should I try to get information from her about my SD about what goes on over there or do I let her tell me if she wants to? Thank you again everyone!
Katie
Wow, that makes me so proud
Wow, that makes me so proud of my son. He just turned 3 and is fully trained. I don't even have to ask him to go potty, he just goes. I haven't had an accident since the first week i started potty training which was about 3 months ago
Our SD7 was doing this as
Our SD7 was doing this as well every single night she stayed with us. I would make her go to the bathroom every hour, made dh get up in the middle of the night once or twice and take her to the bathroom. Oh but when I told him to stop letting her drink past 8pm low and behold the peeing stopped but the one time he allowed it to happen she would pee the bed. So in our case watching the liquids and food intake late at night worked best plus i put a cover on her mattress.