SOO happy to find this site!
I cant believe I found a place where others can vent about their lives with their SO's and steps!!! I have been married to a wonderful man 5 years and I love him dearly but...he does not know how to parent at all! His daughter is 6 and both him and BM do EVERYTHING for her. She cant and wont do anything for herself because they cater to her every need. She is 6 and cant even feed herself properly or go to the bathroom properly! Yes she is 6 and she STILL has "accidents" because she wont take the time to go when she has the urge to go. She has to be told to go and even then she will tell you she doesn't have to even though we know its been hours since she went. I try not to but into being a parent but when I am the one cleaning up messes and washing clothes, I just want to scream. DH does his part when he is home and there are some weeks that he is out of town for a couple days for work. If I stay on him at home, he is good with not doing everything for her but the minute I turn my back, I catch him doing something. The funny thing is that he knows he did wrong and tell me yea yea, I know I shouldn't of done that. I don't even have to say a word. I don't mind helping with her but I don't know another child that acts the way she does. I am getting tired of all the extra laundry its causing and sitting in places she has been and end up with wet pants! That has made me throw up a couple times sitting on a wet spot on the couch or putting my hand in it. Whats the best or easiest way for me to handle it so I don't have to constantly wash clothes or furniture? I don't know how common it is for a 6 year old to act (I hate saying this about a child but she acts like she is 2 and not 6). I know its not all her fault but wouldn't a 6 year old be embarrassed that she wet herself or to have mom or dad feed you because you didn't want to eat what was placed in front of you or just didn't feel like eating???
This is my first post here so please be gentle with your replies. I am still shocked that I actually found a place other than Facebook to vent about my day to day life. I hope to be here for awhile and make some friends along the way and also learn from my mistakes I happen to make along the way.
Kimberly
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I totally agree! I should
I totally agree! I should join him as well.
Hi, welcome. First thing,
Hi, welcome.
First thing, has the girl seen a doctor about her incontinence? 6 is unusually old to be having regular accidents. Does she have the other places than your home? At school? In the car? Her mothers home?
If the issue is not a physical one then she needs to be the one cleaning up after herself. She can scrub clean furniture and hand wash her soiled clothes in a sink. If your husband objects then he is welcome to do it for her. He will soon get as bored as you or dread coming home from his trips to a mountain of stale urine soaked clothes to wash and do something about his child himself.
She also needs to be made to sit on the toilet for a few min every hour. Interrupt her no matter what she is doing. Then if she manages a period of time without having an accident she can go two hours, then longer etc. I just made these numbers up but there is probably a guide online somewhere.
I know you try to stay out of parenting and as far as possible it should be your husband doing the hard work, but getting the girl to stop pissing all over the house will improve your life a lot from the sounds of things so might be worth the effort when your husband is away and if he will not be consistent with her.
Good luck, I hope you find something that works.
She does not have them at
She does not have them at school. She had one or two in kinder but that's it. She does have them pretty much anywhere else and yes, in the car too! That I have a hard time with keeping my cool. I love her to death but OMG when it practically happens every day, I just want to pull my hair out. Dh does clean up afterwards like the back seat in the car or the couch when he is here but isn't phased that she is doing that at her age!
I want to believe she has been to the dr multiple times, I know we took her twice that I can recall and I know BM has taken her as well! I also do make her clean up and bring her wet clothes to the bucket I have for her in the laundry room. When I am out with her doing whatever, I don't know when and where she will have one of her "accidents". Like I said, I love her dearly but it is very embarrassing to have to deal with when in public!
When I can remember, I do make her to sceduled potty breaks but they don't stop or deter her from wetting herself. What I don't understand so someone please tell me how she isn't embarrassed. It doesn't phase her or make her upset and she doesn't even shed a tear over it, even in public! If we can't help her stop, is it even possible to get her to show any embarrassment or sadness or anything so she can help herself?
Dh and I do everything as a team and we do our best but like right now, he is out of town until Monday so on the days he is gone, I have to stay on her which I shouldn't have to to avoid her wetting herself.
Sorry, I am venting again. A lot of things she does are minimal compared to this problem.
The behavior has been
The behavior has been normalized. She doesn't feel embarrassed because no one has made her feel embarrassed. Does she get told off when she wets herself, does she have consequences other than putting her clothes in a bucket? If it were me my instincts would be making her feel ashamed and emphasizing that it is not normal, that it is disgusting and gross but I would hesitate because I am not sure that is a healthy thing to do to a young child. You could try positive reinforcement and some consequences. Set her small achieveable goals and then reward her with small prizes when she meets those goals, you could also try having consequences when she does wet herself (no screen time that day?).
She does have a consequence
She does have a consequence when she has an accident. I take away whatever she is doing at the time and she stands in the corner for 6 minutes. I believe time outs are supposed to be 1 minute per age right? I then make her clean up any mess and bring her clothes to the bucket to soak. I also emphasize that she is 6 and that 6 year olds do not wet themselves like she does and only babies do that and not care because they don't know any better. I will ask her since only babies do that, does that make you s baby then?? Of course she always tells me no but it doesn't seem when I tell or ask her that if its even sinking into her head. She isn't registering that only babies do that and she is 6! It's like when she gets in trouble like this for instance, she is off in another world blocking out what we say to her. Does that make sense?
We use goals here all the time for not just that. We use it for not whining or pouting when asked to do something or eating on her own without asking for help and the same goes for dressing herself.
Sounds like you are doing all
Sounds like you are doing all the obvious things then. It is either a matter of consistency then, maturity or perhaps something a therapist could get to the bottom of. I am out of ideas! Sorry you have to deal with this.
Thank you very much. I just
Thank you very much. I just try to take it one day at a time and pray that the next day will be better.
Welcome to the site, I agree
Welcome to the site, I agree with both of the first posts, very good information.
how frustrating! can you not
how frustrating! can you not grab her by the scruff, shove her nose in it, and say "BAD!"??
just kidding. maybe...
keep reading here and you will see your future. there are teenage ss's who $#!t their pants and continue sitting in it until an adult notices the smell. teenage sd's who leave soiled pads and tampons out in the open (one who left a used pad on the KITCHEN floor, and her dad ended up stepping on it, not the sm - ha!).
it's really disgusting. your dh needs to get on board and quickly or ya'll are in for a world of h3ll....
Thanks, I needed a good
Thanks, I needed a good laugh! Your right, both DH and BM need to take care of this now otherwise she will be 10 and still doing it!!!
My SS7 still wets the bed
My SS7 still wets the bed almost every night and he also poops his pants and when he does go in the toilet, he barely wipes. I quit doing his laundry a long time ago. It's disgusting. Now when SS wets the bed DH has him strip it, put them in the washer and then clean off his bed cover before putting on new bed clothes.
When he doesn't wipe or goes in his pants, same thing. He washes them out by hand first then puts dirty clothes in the washer for DH to start. DH also punishes him with an extra chore for going in his pants/not wiping. There is nothing physically wrong with him and it's pure laziness.
Btw, my SS for some reason is not embarrassed by it at all, I don't know why. He's even done it at school and I've picked him up several times and smell the stench immediately. I'm surprised no one at school has teased him about it yet.
Sounds very familiar to what
Sounds very familiar to what is going on here and I fear she will be 7 doing the same thing!! Before you stopped doing his laundry, did you try anything to make him stop? Did he wear a pull up or anything like that to bed? That surprises me too that no one at school has made fun of him for smelling. It's total laziness here too with her.
Yes, he wore a pull up to
Yes, he wore a pull up to begin with after potty training, then we decided that maybe that was giving him "permission" to pee at night, so we changed to just underwear. That didn't work either and we went back to pull ups for awhile, but then he'd pee sooo much they were pointless and it seemed like a waste of money, so back to just underwear.
That's when I quit doing his laundry, I'd grab his clothes and have a handful of pee covered clothes, yuck!! Then when the "poop" started happening I was grateful I had already quit.
DH hasn't punished him for peeing the bed, just cleaning up after himself, but the only thing he's done about the poo is giving extra chores and many "talks" explaining hygiene, etc. I wish I knew what to do to get him to stop.
Yeah, I have a pretty sensitive sense of smell though, unfortunately, but my daughters will say something too, so I know it's not just me that can smell it, which makes me think surely anyone at school that gets within a couple of feet from him can smell it.
We don't have the pooping in
We don't have the pooping in her pants problem thank god but she still doesn't wipe the best so we deal with small amounts in her pants. We also stopped putting her in pull ups when she was 3 during the day and 4 at night thinking that she wouldn't like the feeling of being wet. She would go weeks without an accident for the longest time and it's gotten progressively worse where it's pretty much a daily occurance. I thought the same thing about the pull ups giving her permission to pee in them but she is the one that didn't want to be a baby anymore so that was it. I told DH just yesterday after having an accident not even 30 minutes after getting home from school and another one while eating dinner that I think we might have to put her back in diapers until she stops. I thought I said it quiet enough so she wouldn't hear but she did. She stomped her foot on the floor and folded her arms and said I am NOT wearing a diaper!! I am NOT a baby!! He said we would discuss it later but he has not brought it up since. I think I struck a nerve with her because everything else we have said to her or tried fell on deaf ears. I didn't mean for her to hear me when I said it so I family said OK and dropped it.
It sounds like it's different there with your SS. Does/did he really not care that he had to wear a pull up and was it just at night he had to wear it? I don't think I could hand it if she started pooping her pants! Does he tell you he did or does he just walk around in poopy undies?
Hmmm, sounds to me like
Hmmm, sounds to me like putting her back in a diaper would be the perfect consequence to her "accidents". Make her wear a diaper like a baby until she starts using the potty like a big girl!
I agree. I will bring it up
I agree. I will bring it up with DH and let him know my feelings on the matter. Once a week the both of us sit down and talk about the week and if there is anything we want to talk about. I agree with you that there has to be a consequence to her actions when wetting her pants like a baby. I think DH was embarrassed when I mentioned diapers which is why he has not brought it up again. He just can't keep igoringbthe fact that her wetting her pants is not only her problem, it makes it all of our problem, more so me because I spend the most time with her while he is at work. I really don't want to resort to putting her in diapers but if we don't follow through now, who knows how long it will continue. Thank you for your reply and advice.