I guess being in the field of work that I'm in and I see day in and day out the "jerry springer bullshit" that adults cause with small kids and even adult kids I understand the strife it causes when adults can't be adult. Just because kids are grown contact doesn't cease as their are occassional weddings, some bdays, then grandkids come and it repeats all over again. If someone had told me a year ago I would possibly entertain this idea I'd have said they were nuts. I'm bad about holding grudges at times. I HATE the anxiety I feel every time I hear dh tell me so and so called, the gk's bday party is next week. It would just be nice to not feel that anymore. It would be nice to be comfortable enough to occasionally engage in meaningless conversation just because or to not feel weird sitting next to her at a table without speaking. No, I'm not nuts. I'm just someone who prefers the calm but having no way to "feel out" the ex without involving my mil which I refuse to do keeps me very hesitant. I do miss that with my ex's ex, she always (except when she cheated i guess) acted with class and dignity. I know not everyone is like that. I think I may just sit and wait to see if an opportunity presents itself and decide from there.

Hey I hear ya. I feel she is trailer trash as well by her dr jekyll/mr hyde behavior. I take issue with any woman who talks shit to their kids about the other parent or their SO's. My kids still ask why I divorced their dad ( I have only said we grew apart wanting different things) and I speak kindly of him even tho he truly is gutter trash with his own bad behavior toward me and our kids since we split years ago. If I were to talk badly of him it would only be self serving in that I'd be trying to get them to feel the way I do. He does bad mouth me and my kids ask why I don't. I told them it's because I don't want them to feel about him the way I do. They have formed a very LOW opinion of him now that they are teen agers. I can say with a clear conscience he did that on his own without my help and he can't stand it. You reap what you sow. I know dh ex was a jerk and maybe she's sorry. Maybe she's not. Maybe she saw she didn't cause any of this. Her personal attacks on dh were clearly unresolved issues she had with him. Who knows. I know she let a very good man go. Yeah he's got his faults trust me but her junk is now my treasure. After I first met her the sd's husband who is super amazingly sweet told me everyone was curious how it was going to go since she drinks heavy. He said the concern was there might be drama from her meeting me. Aside from throwing several back during that dinner the ex seemed to behave although it was clear she was getting toasted by hearing her speaking with a little slur while talking with others. I get the feeling some still look for drama when we are all together but it's only 2-3 times a year at best that we see her. I do see where you would not feel any benefit in speaking with your hubby's exes. Thanks for the input. I enjoy hearing your opinions. This board is great. Am so glad I found it.

Stepaside, I love that name by the way. This has been a long journey. The ex stayed away from dh family for many years then started popping up here and there. I guess in some ways I'm getting an attitude of giving up since its clear mil/sil refuse to understand why I'm not a fan of dh ex. Showing up at a family event for a small niece because I'm stuck at work (I left dh for two days over allowing that one and not telling me right away). He was told she might come BECAUSE I couldnt make it. I basically cut my ties with dh parents over that for 18 mos. I was PISSED!!! All everyone said was "but it was about the niece." Getting dh to get on team wife and stay off team ex has not been easy as someone might get mad at him. I called bullshit on that. My mil thinks I'm threatened by her. I told her don't confuse me not liking how she treated dh for three years as being threatened. It was because she was such a bitch unnecessarily and just because his family was able to forgive her so quickly doesn't mean I'm there as well. I'm a believer the ex has their place and it's not in the thick of it all. Even my ex's ex was super respectful about not overstepping. I guess the ex's belief is if mil is ok with me coming then screw the wife. We attended dh's older cousins funeral three months ago and guess who came with permission? Yep the ex. She called my mil and asked if it would cause a problem. Dh said ok to mil because the ex had been in the family a long time and I was being small to want his mom tell her no. I was going to suggest she go to the wake the night before had my feelings been considered. So I just smile and keep by dh side while she mingled and caught up with his family. Apparently I'm the only one being unreasonable in my feelings toward her. This got me thinking maybe I should just join team ex since I'm alone on team wife. I'm sure the ex is enjoying every minute of it too.

Wanting to talk with the ex isn't because I am concerned what others think. All I know is that I didn't cause it, I was just on the receiving end of it with dh. It's about me trying to find a way around this crap that hangs in the air when we are together. As dh HATES conflict I was trying to be benevolent in possibly putting an end to it. I would have never let on she pissed me off with her bad behavior if I cared what people think of me. Dh tells me my not giving a damn sometimes about how things look to others is extreme sometimes. If I don't want to go to something with his family I don't go. If I had caused it I would just apologize and go on. Screw anyone if they don't accept it but that's not the case here. I see there are longer histories with an ex than my few years with it from the responses and reading these so makes me appreciate my ex's ex who was never a jerk. I was curious how this type thing worked for the women on this board. Hearing your stories and your advice is very welcome.