Carthartic rant warning - long!!

I don't know why it still bothers me, after years of the same treatment, but it does. My in laws, singling out the women in DH's family in particular, MIL and SIL (female cousin too to a much lesser extent - when we announced our engagment she just looked at me and said DH has had his wedding, second wives don't deserve one) just can't seem to accept me. Or like me. Or really acknoweldge me. 

I wasn't the other woman, I met DH a couple of years after abusive, criminal, mentally disorder, malingering BM finally left DH for another man (after cheating on him their entire relationship inclusive of when she got pregnant to "DH" - not - and blackmailed him into marrying her - although I realise if he really didn't want to he would have refused). Now, despite how cunning BM is in her criminal antics, she is dumb as a thumb and possibly the most annoying person I have ever had to talk to in my life. And this was when I didn't know her history and was trying to be friendly! I was so naive when I initially met his family I thought they would be thrilled that he was finally happy and not caught up up in a cheating crime ridden pill addicted mess! 

MIL and SIL both apparently didn't care much for BM while she was married to DH, or at least this is what was originally told to me by them and DH. Of course, when BM was dumped by the guy she left DH for, and she found out about me she proceded to reconnect to DH's family like a leach and was all over their social media, sending gifts, invitng herself to stay at their homes etc. All the while trying to assert herself back into DH's life. He didn't fall for it this time.

Despite this I still considered DH's family would gradually welcome me into their family and get to know me. I really tried with them. How wrong was I? Over the years we have become estranged from SIL due to her enmeshment with BM and relaying sensitive information to her about us, and socialising with her, including refusing to take down the photos of them fom her home too, regardless of how DH expressed it hurt him. It finally finished when SIL (and her husband) screamed at DH how BM "won" and he was stuck with a horrible life and it was his fault that he lost BM (such a prize?) because he was too busy working (to provide for her allergy to work and shopping addictions). SIL showed her true colors when she pretended to befriend me to get what she wanted out of me, once she had she ghosted me. 

Moving on with MIL, she has made it clear that, in her view, BM is the wife of DH, and I am, well I'm not really sure what, but it's certianly nothing of sigificance. Constant intimate talk of BM to DH as though he cares to listen, right in front of me, including withing 2 minutes of the first time I met her while ignoring me. Photos up of DH and BM in her home, on social media etc. Of course, none of me or our bios at all. I should mention that prior to the divorce BM stole a large amount of money from MIL. That is apparently forgotten. The only good part of this is we live far away and very rarely have to see DH's family (aside from some great ones nearby). DH had to unfollow her from social media a few years back after she wouldn't stop posting photos of him and BM together and tagging them as "the good old days". I'm still friends with her online, for the sake of trying to be nice. 

None of DH's family even congratulated us on our wedding or kids! 

A few months ago MIL received a serious and potentially life threatening medical diagnosis. We were all worried, naturally. I'm a physician and I pulled strings and called in serious favors to get MIL treatment she otherwise would not have gotten. I paid for it out of my own pocket, it wasn't cheap. I did it because I think it's what decent people should do, it's part of the ethos of my career and I'm glad I did it. MIL's prognosis is now very good, she is stable and doing most of her usual activities again. 

Recently I had a milestone birthday. Due to COVID our celebratory travel plans with friends were postponed so I didn't make a big deal of it, but my DH and bios made it special in a very quiet but heartfelt way. MIL had no idea of our travel plans, or that they had to be postponed. MIL is a massive fan of going over the top for birthdays. Even if she lives far away she sends gifts, gives big social media displays, skype calls with the whole family and really gets into the spirit. For each year prior to this she has done the social media for thing for me albeit in a milder version, but not any of the other things she does for the rest of her family. Incidentally she does nothing for our bios, they also seem not to exist to her. Since they don't have social media accounts she would have no idea of their birthdays anyway. They aren't even listed as her grandchildren on her social accounts, though all her other grandkids are including the ones of similar ages! 

This year there was crickets from her. She was online on my birthday and could not have missed all the wishes I got from friends and family, plus social media reminds "friends" of birthdays. I'm sure that's the only reason she has remembered in past years. I didn't really care, as it meant I didn't have to interact with her, but then I saw the big fanfare she posted for BM, who's birthday is a few weeks after mine. A huge bunch of flowers and several beautifully wrapped gifts sent to her with photos of it all, and messages of missing and loving her, along with thanking her for the "get well" flowers BM had apparently sent her when she was ill.

Until today I had heard nothing from MIL regarding the medical treatment I organized for her. After I got home from work my DH told me she had messaged him to chat (code for talk about her life while he dutifully listened), and when he asked her about her medical treatment and how she was feeling, she said "tell justthesecondwife thanks if you want". She didn't ask about our bios, no talk of them at all. I'm furious. I didn't help her in order to get attention, but I'm really upset that I clearly rate so low in her view that BM's non milestone birthday and get well flowers were deemed worthy of such a big public display, yet she didn't even have the common decency to thank me personally for pulling strings and paying for her medical treatment. How hard would it be to quickly text or phone or send a DM with a small acknowledgement to me, rather than sending a half hearted one through DH, who bless his heart had no part of helping with the treatment as he isn't in the industry and doesn't have the money anyway, but he was the one to tell he that I had organized it and told her the specialists would be in contact with to and I had it covered financially.

I don't take it personally, MIL, SIL etc never got to know me at all, never asked me a single question. Never got to know our bios, so I figure it can't be personal, it would likely have been the same for any woman who married DH after his divorce. DH tells me she doesn't mean it badly (he doesn't say the same about SIL, he knows she is malicious and jealous), but that she is just ignorant. He says MIL is just very uneducated and has a victim attitude in life, so she could be feeling strange now that DH has gone from a horrible existance with BM to having a standard of living in our life together that the in laws might feel uneasy about. I'm not sure why though? They don't see us, we don't flaunt anything and live simply as we spend our lives working and looking after our kids.

I'm thinking she may blame me for SD's estrangement, and for DH having no contact with BM anymore. She knows the story behnd why, and how it had nothing to do with me, but family bonds can make for some strange blame games, to avoid acknowledging the truth. Even if this is the case, MIL and SIL were like this for years prior to the estrangement. They all know the absolute hell BM has put us through over the years, the most crazy things which have made what would have been a happy life very stressful and axiety ridden.

If anyone go this far reading, thank you. It's been on my mind and has been therapeutic putting in into words, despite how much of a ramble it turned out to be! 

I think it may just be time for me to accept that DH's family (not all of them) are not going to change, and I'm not going to put up with being ignored when I am DH's wife. If they could accept BM for all her sins, and seminly liked her, it shoulld really show me that they are not the type of people I would choose to surround myself with. Next time they are in town, or have a birthday, I feel I may be unfortunately detained doing something very important, like getting a massage and a cocktail with friends. Come to think of it, there is an upside to ot being liked/accepted, I can spend more time doing the things I enjoy and less time with toxic people who drain all the fun and positivity out of a room!