Stick a fork in me - I'm done!
Here is the deal:
I have been her step mom for 20 years. Oldest SD is now 35. Younger SD is 28 and is basically out of the picture except for birthdays and xmas. I did the best job I could under the circumstances.
For the past 4 years she has been slowly chipping away at me. Just a little piece at a time so it doesn’t cause a huge impact all at once. By rehashing the first say 10 years of our life together and criticizing what I and my family did wrong. By rehashing how DH made mistakes – this must be done to instil a deep sense of guilt in DH. This is the hook that gets DH on her line.
Now she has his attention.
Interfering with how I was taking care of my son while DH was away most of the time.
Expecting him at the age of 10 to walk her 5 year old to school. Getting mad when my son wasn’t avail so she tried to arrange that he has to call her before he leaves for school. Ridiculous. I told DH so and that was the beginning of her meddling with my young son. Constantly complains about the lack of family closeness, not sure what this means??? She spends her entire summer at our cottage – I do not have a single weekend anymore up north without her and family. So what family time is she lacking exactly??
One time when my son was only around 6 or 7 she started to leave for a walk with her DH and baby in the stroller. My son started to walk with them and she said no he cannot come; it is time for a family walk now. My son came back to me hysterical and crying….. He did not understand why she said it was a family walk since HE IS FAMILY TOO! Bingo.
Last summer at the cottage SD was making pancakes for HER family and my son asked for one. She said NO, there is not enough. Imagine saying no to a child when ALL her kids are eating pancakes in front of him. She couldn’t even forfeit one lousy pancake to make him happy. Mean and meaner is what she is.
Last summer also, she tried to gossip about me to my best friend and my youngest sister. Imagine their shock and surprise when she tried to get them on board with her Stepmom bashing. My best friend didn’t say a word to her except to defend me and then left her at the beach. My sister told her she was wrong about me and was pretty upset that my SD would be SO disrespectful to me. My sister now doesn’t want a relationship with her due to this and SD doesn’t understand why my sister has ceased all contact with her except where absolutely necessary, like xmas. SD even asked me if my younger sister was mad at her and I just wasn’t strong enough at the time to be honest about why. I just said I don’t know why she doesn’t call or email SD anymore. Cowardly I know, but I did not feel like starting a big thing with her. This would have given her fuel to feed her fire for quite a long time.
There have just been too many instances to even write down…. Basically at her age and MY AGE, I don’t have to have a relationship with her. She doesn’t need a step-mom since she is all grown up and married with a family of her own. We can’t really be friends since we don’t see eye to eye on a lot of things. Mainly her critical negative state of mind when it comes to me and my bio son.
I was very ill last year, broke neck in car accident end May 2011, had C. Difficile end June to end August. Cancer came back November. Basically serious health issues combined with the stress of my son and her criticism just did me in. SD did not once stop by or offer to pick stuff I might need up. While I was going through the Cancer diagnosis, biopsy and scheduling of my surgery SD had to complain about my niece not inviting her to a thanksgiving dinner she was having. Her very first dinner party with our family. DH and I had a big fight about this. On the way to the hospital for my pre-op appointment DH jumped all over me since I had a birthday dinner out with my sisters and SD was not invited. Why not???? It would have been nice if she had been invited, etc etc blah blah blah. This is all on our way to the hospital while I have a very serious health issue going on. My sisters and niece are there for me and took me out to support me knowing full well I was also having major SD problems. She is the LAST person I wanted at my birthday dinner! As well, we all realize life is getting shorter and we need to spend more time together. Why the HELL would I invite SD who has NOTHING nice to say about me or my family! She just wants her nose in everything so she has more gossip material in my opinion. This is all in a very short time span.
My sisters put xmas celebration off until Feb due to my surgery which was Dec. 19 and I missed xmas altogether. SD and family came which was fine. We all had a great time; her kids got plenty of gifts, but not enough. My baby niece got too many xmas gifts compared to her kids – NO GOOD – THIS WILL NOT DO IN HER OPINION. As if I have any say over what my sisters do, duh. The very next day after the xmas celebration Feb 6, 2012 she decided she just HAD to tell me how disappointed she was with the quantity (or value) of gifts her kids received. How this all brought back her bad memories of xmas as a teenager with my family and how they never bought the same amount of gifts for her and her sister as my niece and nephew – who they have known from birth and are their blood niece and nephew. My sisters only saw SD’s once a year and they were not all that pleasant to be around either. Crabby, sarcastic and entitled. WTF. The baggage she is carrying around is her problem not mine and my sisters. And the phone call the next day to tell me off about my sisters not spending enough on her kids was basically the final straw. I HAVEN’T GOT TIME FOR THE PAIN.
STICK A FORK IN ME – I AM DONE. Thanks.
OMG! Your health is
OMG! Your health is everything. You dont need this toxic woman in your life. I have cut all contact with adult stepdaughter. There was NO pleasing her. I have loving family and friends that have known me a whole life time. And they respect and love me as I do them. This step came into my life with deceit and revenge on her agenda. It took me awhile to understand she only meant me harm and I was the one that had to make a major decision. I dont have to be nice when someones not nice to me. I will not have her in my life anymore then I would have a criminal in my life. My life is mine to enjoy. God bless you and please keep the line drawn. You will be surprised how wonderful you will feel.
Got to add to the disengaging
Got to add to the disengaging suggestion (do that btw) your DH deserves a hard punch in the guts for being such a coward a hole and deciding to confront you over the perceived slight to his precious contessa when you were due to for serious medical treatment. What a man.
Seriously your issues lie in equal blame, now, with your supposed husband too. Seems his daughter is ruled by one rule and you another - i.e. she cant act anyway she wants while you have to lay down and invite it.
I would be wondering too what influence all these years of bullying and nastiness has done to your health. They say stress can trigger serious problems and this bitch (aided and abetted by daddy o) cannot let up even when you are on your back, sick.
Cut her out of your life. If she needs a reason why you are doing so, along with the rest of your family and it cleanses your soul to give it (think of it as squeezing an infected boil), then write her a factual letter. Keep it to facts and point out the hypocrisies she takes part in e.g. she and her kids HAVE to be included in everything/get expensive gifts but she rejects having to include a young child in things she does - your BS - doesnt have to be major events but all these small digs rolled into one make a pretty large stack of vileness). Dissect this woman and leave her in bits. No doubt she will use this as evidence of your nastiness - but so what? She badmouths you, backstabs you, any opportunity she can so now she has a frigging reason.
As for your DH - tell him she is banned from you home. He brings her there, you ring the cops and create a scene of all scene. He can do what he wants with her, when he wants but you are done. He goes mad at you over it and tries to argue - ignore him. Pretend hes not speaking and remove yourself from the situation - go stay with friends/family. I know when my DH tried to convince me to back down, this type of blackmail tends to escalate but if you dont engage what can he do? Not much ultimately and inside laugh your socks off. Just desserts is a bitch.
I hope you are better and please make sure that from here on in you pledge to put yourself first.
Thank you soo much!!! YOu
Thank you soo much!!! YOu ladies help put things in perspective even more. DH is just soo stuck on her as perfection he cannot see the forest from the trees. Not sure if that is the correct verbage but you know what I mean. Whatever she dishes out now will have to be reguritated because I am not taking it anymore. DH definitely needs to grows a pair - he used to have a pair but he lost them once the precious grandkids came. I have to focus on me now - my HEALTH DEPENDS ON IT.
{{{{Hugs}}}}
{{{{Hugs}}}}
i agree with Delilah 100% ---
i agree with Delilah 100% --- don't allow her in your home anymore and cut her out of your life. i had to do that with my oldest SD22. She is no longer allowed in our home and if my DH wants to visit with her, or if the other kids want to visit with her, they have to visit with her at her house. She has not been allowed in our home since oct. 2011. She and i have not spoken to each other since june 2011.
i told my DH she was no longer allowed in our home even if i wasn't here because I didn't want to come home and find her here, because I'd been there before and had had to kick her out.
She has been a monster to me from day 1. I told my husband that if he didn't tell her that she wasn't allowed here, that i would tell her. He says, then there would be no hope for your relationship. i told him there was no hope anyways. She doesn't want a relationship. her brother told me that she considers me disposable.
now that she's had a baby (which I think she did on purpose) she has used the baby as a tool to manipulate her dad. i was not allowed at the hospital -- i was not allowed at the babyshower --- everyone else was, but i was not. She is a monster.
i told my DH that if she showed up here that i was going to call the police, and that he better tell her that or I would. i took 6 years of crap from her. i was done.
Now i'm dealing with crap from the other 3 -- mostly her younger sister, who is very much like her. She is 17, and as of now hasn't spoken to me in over a week. oh well. i win! i wish you the best and hope you feel better and get better soon!
I agree with eall the other
I agree with eall the other posters - you need to completely disengage from SD. DH's needs also have to be put on the back burner until he gets his priorities straight and allows you to get well. He placed your health in jeopardy to accommodate SD and her offspring. Even though I am healthy most of the time, DH used to downplay serious health risks which effected me. This happened more than once. After walking around on a broken leg for a week and 1/2, I had to drive myself to the doctor - 40 miles- to get treatment for what DH insisted was 'Just a sprain'. I informed him that from now on, I would be reciprocal in my concern for any health issues that came up for him. Your DH needs to know that you will be supporting him only as much as he supports you.
Thanks for the link to RA.
Thanks for the link to RA. How can I bookmark it. I would like to re-read from time to time. Oh and by the way, SD LOVES to gossip about other people. She is a very toxic person. I will be better off without all the drama and trouble she throws my way.
That is a great post - blog.
That is a great post - blog. Very accurate to what I am going through. I found the bookmark link so I can reference it whenever I feel doubt about disengaging. I am still strong and am feeling my power and the life flow through me again. So..thank you all for helping me through this difficult transition! ((hugs))
So very sorry for your pain.
So very sorry for your pain. As for as your SD, All I can say is Narcissistic behavior!!!!! She sounds just like my oldest SD. You take care of yourself first. I an so thankful for your sisters and your family. Loves sent your way.....
I also feel your pain. I have
I also feel your pain. I have an adult sd who through out the years has cause me NOTHING BUT GRIEF. Not only mentally but physically.
I made the BIGGEST mistake in calling her after a 7 year fallen out she send me a birthday card and stupid me that's why I called her I returned a thanks. HER PHONE WAS DISCONNECTED. So dh wrote a brief letter that he called her and signed it dad. A couple a days latter there was a phone call that came in, on our caller ID it showed that it was her bio mother's phone she used. My dh answered it and after about a second dh kept saying what, what ,what. She was drunk and dh put the loud speaker on while I listened to her garbage. It was a very upsetting phone call from her. I can't even go into details about it because it was that bad.
She now had her daddy's attention.
Once my dh got back into her venomous web I started to spiral downward. All my muscles tightened up. I already had a history of lower back pain now it developed into psychosomatic [stress] chronic sciatica which in my opinion was caused by emotional factors caused by her poor behavior.
This was back in 2007 and gradually progressed. Now my dh and myself do not bring her name up anymore.
Sometimes it takes a long time to recover. SHE IS EVIL TO THE MAX...
Sorry to hear that the SD /
Sorry to hear that the SD / DH caused such serious health problems. They just DO NOT GET IT! I understand and am in the same place as you. Avoid bringing up SD at all in conversation. This is really not how I wanted to live, but for my own health and sanity it is something I (and thousands of other SM's) must do. Take care.