My SD10 is so manipulative and mean
My SD is 10 and my DH and I have custody of her. Her BM only has visitation one weekend a month and it's always a surprise to us when she actually gets her. SD's BM sometimes goes 2 or 3 months without seeing her. That and the fact that my SD's BM walked out on her and her dad when she was 2 yr old probably accounts for some of her annoying behavior. That being said...despite all the love and attention I give to my SD she still feels the need to manipulate her dad and I. I should mention that I have 2 boys of my own (ages 7 and 12) I truly feel that over the last 6 years I have spent so much time and devotion trying to make my SD feel loved and making up for BM's ignorance that I have neglected to spend as much time with my boys as I do her.
I have been 100% mom to my SD and apparently she wants 200%. When she's happy she says things like, "I wish you were my real mom", and "I wish you would adopt me so I never have to go to my mom's house ever again." and then she'll spend one weekend at her BM's and she's always sure to let me know that she no longer feels that way about me. She does it in such a mean way too. One minute this child is the sweetest thing you ever saw and the next she's a bully with a bad attitude. She can cry on command and she uses that to get her way...not with me...I tell her to dry up cause that don't work with me. She also uses what my DH and I call her "baby" voice. Although it annoys my DH and I and DH tells her to stop...there are times that he falls for it! Unbelievable!
Does anyone else out there have a stepdaughter around the same age that acts like this? She uses her "love" as a weapon. It's like...I'll love and appreciate you as long as I get my way and all the attention. If my DH starts wrestling with my son's she jumps in, if DH is reading with one of my boys she wants to read too, if DH is playing golf with my oldest son (SD hates golf) she instantly has an interest in golf. We do all kinds of one on one with my SD...more so than my boys...but it is never enough! I'm so frustrated. Sometimes I feel like I could be a better mom for my boys if I wasn't in this marriage but my boys and I love my DH so very much that it would hurt like hell not to have him in our life.
On the other hand my DH says that she doesn't say these things to be hurtful...she's just a kid. He refuses to acknowledge that she does in fact make these statements and then retracts them to hurt me. Why exactly does she hope to gain from it? I have no idea but I know that not only what she says is hateful but her tone and body language assures me that she's not just "being a kid" I think that if my DH would at the very least acknowledge that his little princess can be a real bully I would at least feel some peace about it. Instead he makes me feel like the evil stepmother for pointing out the behavior and thinks I'm "overreacting" or "reading too much into it" So tired of him insinuating that I am the one with the cold heart here.
Hate to say it, but it's a
Hate to say it, but it's a girl thing. I have a bd9 who does a lot of what you mention. Not consistently, but just to see what works and what doesn't. It's even more aggravating when it's not your kid. But I agree with your dh...you are probably reading too much into it.
My SD10 is this way too. My
My SD10 is this way too. My DH sees her behavior though and doesn't usually let her get away with it. She doesn't hide it from him though. I would really suggest putting your SD in counseling. I would make sure that the counselor encourages kids to take responsibility for their own stuff though.
SD10 is in counseling and even though these behaviors still exist we know how to handle them better and a counselor saying to DH you can't let SD10 bully SD8 anymore woke him up to a lot of other manipulative behavior she does.
It sounds like she has a lot to deal with. It would be hard not having your mom be actively involved in your life. She could probably benefit in many ways from counseling.
and I just wanted to add that you said she wants you to be "200%" her mom...I would say it's not true. She want's her mom to be the 100%. I know that must hurt deeply for you. But steps are just never the same as bios. She will always feel rejected because her mom isn't there for her. It makes sense why she feels she has to be the center of attention. There is a whole inside her that only her mother can fill, but chooses not too. I think she sees your efforts and appreciates you, especially when she isn't in a mood. Try not to take it too personally, I know that's hard. I experience it to some degree, and remember even those who have bio kids say their kids can say and do very hurtful things to them!
Start putting more energy into your sons, she needs to know that she isn't the center of attention and she needs to know that she is still loved even when she's not in the middle of everything.
My situation is incredibly
My situation is incredibly similar to yours. My SD is only 5 but she's manipulative to the core and she does a lot of the same things your SD does. The fake crying, the baby voice and the constant need for attention. She tells me she loves me, that I'm the best step mommy in the whole world but as soon as she doesn't get her way the tears come and it's "I wanna go back to my mommyyyy's!"
When my SD does the baby voice, fake cries or pulls the mommy card I call her on it. I ask her to speak like a 5 year old instead of a 1 year old. I tell her that I can tell the difference between fake tears and real tears and that she better wipe her face and quit with the drama. I also explain that while it's okay to miss her mom, that it is not okay to try to use that to manipulate me or her dad. If she tries to jump all over her dad when he's trying to greet one of our other children or pay attention to them, I tell her to step back and let them have their moment and that her turn will come.
I think it's really important that your DH is 100% on board with this, too. My DH is, and he always has my back when these situations arise. He gives her the exact same explanations that I give her. We are a united front when dealing with my SD. At least then she can't play DH and I against each other and I'm not resentful of DH for letting SD walk all over us.
Kids in blended families often act this way. It is totally normal. You have to learn to work with it. I know that it'll get worse the older they get, and I'm dreading the teen years.
My SD5 does ALL of these
My SD5 does ALL of these things. She cried for her mommy because we didn't have time to take her over to a friend's to play, for example. I'm getting the feeling that it's normal. I'm going to implement the things that you're suggesting.