Cleaned room
How many of you have had to remove EVERYTHING other then the bed out of their SKIDS room? My SD just turned 8 and as of last night, the only thing she has in her room as of right now is a bed and thats it! I got sick and tired telling her to clean her room which to her I guess means throwing everything in her closet or under her bed. I spent a good 2 hours cleaning her room, removing all her things and shampooing the nasty, pee stained carpet (which should be replaced but dont have the money to do it right now). I was almost sick to my stomach when I found 4 soaking wet diapers buried in her closet for god knows how long and OMG did it reeked in there! So now, she has to come to me if she wants ANYTHING and she is not liking it one bit. When she can start acting her age and being responsible for herself, then she can start earning some of it back but at this rate, probably wont be for awhile. The next step is to take her door off the hinges so I can keep an eye on her at ALL times. Anyone else here ever remove everything out of thier room?
Katie
No, but that's awsome that
No, but that's awsome that you did it! My skids have lost bags and bags of stuff before, but never cleaned the rooms out completely. I don't want to have the pestering me every five minutes for things, lol. But they are both horribly messy and gross. I have them clean their rooms every single day, and they are still gross.
I dont like being pestered
I dont like being pestered either but, I want her to see how inconvienent it is for her. I want her to break before I do! lol I have tried everything elso so why not give it a try...its worth a shot. I have never seen her room this clean in a LONG time. Once we can afford it, I am replacing the carpet in there because I cant tell you how many times its been peed on.
Katie
Never took everything, but
Never took everything, but did take the door before. My son who was sixteen-seventeen at the time, loved to have fits and slam doors. So, I popped off the pegs to the hindges and took the door. While I was gone, he would search for it. It drove him crazy. I hid it under my mattress in my bed. Slept great for a while. He's an wonderful man now and we joke about it. But, he does tell me it was a lesson he never forgot.
LOL under the mattress would
LOL under the mattress would be the LAST place anyone would look for a door! lol The only thing keeping me from removing her door is the smell in her room. If I leave the door open during the day, the entire hallway upstairs reeks of pee! I have to keep the door closed and her window craked to help with the smell. I was also going to take her mattress away too and give her a sleeping bag to sleep in on the floor but if it comes down to it, I will do it. Her mattress is pretty much ruined as it is anyways and I am NOT buying her a new one until she stops! I was thinking about buying a cheap crib/toddler mattress at Walmart and have her use that and throw out the twin she is using now.
Katie
About the sleeping
About the sleeping bag/mattress idea- Not sure of her personality, or your relationship with bm, but I wouldn't do that. My ss's half brothers were sent to live with their biodad when bm lost custody of all her kids. Those boys were out of control and broke both their he'd from jumping on them, so their father put their mattresses onvthe floor, with no bed frame. He told them when they could show him that they could behave that he would buy them new bedframes.
Well, bm found out on one of her visitation weekends (the boys were very loyal to bm, so I'm sure couldn't wait to riff about their horrible conditions at their dads). So bm called dcf, and a case was openned on the dad, and he was told that he couldn't do that. That he had to provide adiquate sleeping arraingments and a mattress on the floor didn't cut it for kids that live there full time.
Hardly makes sence to me, but that's what he was told.
Are you serious?? You have
Are you serious?? You have to have a frame for the bed??? WOW you would think that would be the least of their concenrs. I dont really have a relationship with the BM (good or bad) but I do know that she lets SD get away with everything when she is there which is only once every other weekend. I dont particulary care for her lack of parenting skills but thankfully, she has never been vindictive or threatening or arguementative with me.
Katie
I don't have a frame for MY
I don't have a frame for MY bed in the Master Bedroom!! I chose to take it out myself to keep our cat from trying to turn the boxspring into her own little cave!! :jawdrop:
LOL sorry about the cat
LOL sorry about the cat issues. I dont think I could sleep on a mattress with no frame that close to the floor. My back isnt as good as it used to be! lol
Katie
This girl needs a reason to
This girl needs a reason to please you. Even if you have to manufacture one. Why isn't her dad stepping in and being the bad guy? What is wrong with these guys, they always make us be the bad guy.
And that right there is the
And that right there is the catch-22 of step parenting. They have no desire and no reason to please you. You try to treat them the same as the bio kids, but they don't treat you like a bio parent. They don't have that innate desire to please you like they to their bioparent. So if you parent them as a biokids, its ineffective, but if you parent them effectively, you are the bad guy because you treat them differently.
I came to realize this about a year ago. That even though I am the only mother that these kids can remember having, the simple knowledge that I am not their real mother is enough to keep me forever a step in their minds. They don't care at all if I am happy, of I am pleased with them, if I am proud of them ect. The only hold I have over them is consiquences.
You are 100% right about
You are 100% right about this. Never thought of it quite like this but I think you hit the nail on the head.
I think the majority of them
I think the majority of them pretend the problem doesnt exsist and sweep it under the rug and the issue will miraculously fix itself. Hubby is prgoressivly getting better at listening to me and finally seeing firsthand what I deal with on a daily basis. At this point, I really dont care if it makes me the "bag guy" because I am NOT going to have her ruin anything else and live in a filthy, discusting, pee smelled room...NOT UNDER MY ROOF!
Katie
CPS can sure be ridiculous
CPS can sure be ridiculous sometimes! I remember when my daughter was having issues at school one year with acting out, the school called CPS and they showed up to talk to me, I had a hook latch on the outside of her bedroom door to keep her sister from getting in there and tearing up her room and getting into her stuff. CPs told me it wasn't allowed even if I was doing it to keep someone out and not in, they said it could magically get locked on it's own one day and lock her in. :? Whatever, I took the lock off, now they share a room and their 4 year old brother won't stay out of their room! I don't know what to do.
Why were there dirty diapers in her closet? That's so gross, I'm sorry you had to deal with all that.
Have you tried putting a
Have you tried putting a child safety lock on the door? The older girls should be able to open it fined but it will probably confound the 4 year old, atleast for a while.
We have one on our bathroom door to keep bs2.5 from batting in on people. When we fist put it on the skids were 7.5 and 8.5 and it took them weeks to master it with us teaching them. Now everyone can use it no problem and it still keeps bs out of the bathroom when someone is in there.
So if you don't show your 4 yr old how it works, I bet he won't figure it out on his own and he will just give up.
If she were my BIO child, I
If she were my BIO child, I am not sure if I could put a hook latch on the door but thats just me sorry. My friend just had a home visit because she is going to start fostering kids and they said you cannot have ANY locks of any kind on the outside of ANY door due to safety reasons.
Regarding the diapers in her closet, she wears one to bed so I have to keep a close eye on her because when she takes them off, she would leave them wherever on the floor which I refused to pick up. Then, when I tell her to clean her room, everything on the floor ends up in her closet or under her bed. I guess she is used to the smell because she has not compained once about it! I can smell it all the way down the hall in another room with the door closed!
Katie
Does she have a medical
Does she have a medical problem as to why she is 8 years old and still wetting the bed? Or is it just laziness?
If I were you, I would let her wet the bed every night. Pull ups/ diaper will keep her too dry and let her sleep all night. Her brain will never learn to wake up when her bladder is full if she doesn't wake up from the wetness. The wetness will make her wake up, and then make her change her sheets, and put the dirty ones in the wash, then she can go back to bed. Her brain will get used to waking up when she has to pee, and she will learn that its much less incovenience to her if she just gets up and goes tovthe bathroom. It will be more work for you initially, but should stop the peeing issue. She needs that natural consiquence of being wet, cold and wake, or she will never finish potty training.
I diagnosed her having
I diagnosed her having lazyitis! There is NOTHING medically wrong with her, she just doesnt want to get out of bed to go. For the longest time, I was washing sheets till I couldnt deal with it anymore and put her in a diaper at night. She hates the idea of having to wear one and I have told her MANY times then when SHE stops then SHE wont have to wear one. Its ALL up to HER, I am done done done. You mentioned having her change the sheets and put the dirty ones in the wash.....LOL yea right! I went through the tantrums in the middle of the night when I would try to wake her to go or change the bedding and I will not go through that again. She was a bear and would fight me tooth and nail and then I would suffer for it in the morning because she wouldnt go back to sleep and would be dead tired in the morning. Mornings are hard enough as it is with her as it is.
Katie
Way ahead of you on the
Way ahead of you on the mattress cover. She goes through at least 1 a month because she doesnt like the noise it makes and tries to take it off and ruins it in the process. I buy the vinyl ones as they are the cheapest. I am not about to spend $30+ on a quilted cover that I have to put in the washer, I can simply wipe and disenfect the vinyl one. I dont allow her to go on sleepovers for obvious reasons until she stops but when we HAVE to spend the night elsewhere at family/relative/hotels, I dread it. It doesnt matter where she sleeps, she will flood the bed!
Katie
That's exactly what I do with
That's exactly what I do with bs2.5. His goes mattress pad, sheet, waterproof mattress pad, sheet. So if he peed the bed at night (usually 2, maybe 3 times a week) I help him pull off the top two layer, he takes it to the clothes hamper, he gets new jammies and he's right back in bed. Sometimes if I am super tired, I just take him to bed with me though, lol.
But if you keep her in diapers, she will never learn. I know it sucks.... I had two skids peeing the beds in elementary school. And it only stopped when they had to face the middle of the night clean ups themselves. If she has a diaper on she will not wake up, its not a matter of her chosing to or not. With out a physical signal to wake her up (being wet and cold) she will not get over this.
I know a lot of bioparents that fell into the "pull ups at night" trap.... And none of their kids ever finished potty training until they took the diapers away cold turkey, none. They all ended up with kids in kindergarten and 1st or 2nd grade that peed the bed every night.
Thanks, she wasnt wearing a
Thanks, she wasnt wearing a diaper the whole time she was with us until I got to the point and couldnt deal with it anymore. I know I am taking the easy way out but, even when she wasnt wearing a pull up or diaper, she would sleep right through it and wouldnt wake up at all. Being wet didnt/doesnt bother her one bit. She hates having to wear a diaper alot more then actually wetting the bed itself. I remind her ALL the time that when SHE can start getting up to go at night then she wont have to wear one. I also tell her that I will go back to trying to wake her at night to go IF she doesnt fight me and have a fit in the middle of the night which she has yet to do. If I were to wake her, it would take her a good 30 minutes to get back to bed/sleep because she would be SOO wound up from fighting/arguing with me that when morning came, she would be unbearable to deal with and it was starting to affecting her at school. The one thing that I am proud of her for is her school work. She makes ALL A's and I have never gotten a call from a teacher complaing about her. If I know she would start getting up at night because of a cold, wet bed when not wearing a pull up or diaper, then I would give it a try but....as of right now, it doesnt bother her one bit.
Katie
Does she have any school aged
Does she have any school aged friends she's particularly fond of? Maybe the promise of a future "sleep-over" would encourage her to stop wetting the bed. This way it is a POSITIVE reinforcement instead of negative (although you could argue the shame of her friend knowing she wears diapers overnight would be a deterent, too).
MAybe you should look at the
MAybe you should look at the BM? Who does she live with most of the time and how is she not potty trained by 8?? That seems a bit ridiculous to me. I would consider some counseling because there may be an underlying reason for her wetting the bed every night. Just a thought.
BM isnt married but she does
BM isnt married but she does have a boyfriend who does not live there. Dad and I have been talking about counceling for a some time now so I am seeing that happening in the near future. Both BM and Dad (mostly BM) seem to think its normal because her own pedi advised them both that its still common with kids her age. We know its nothing medical thankfully. BM has said MANY times "oh, she will grow out of it...remember what her dr said? Its normal"! Normal or not, its still a pain in the rear to have to deal with morning after morning, even more frustrating then the child doesnt care she does it and wont lift a finger to help herself stop.
Katie
How long ago did her pedi say
How long ago did her pedi say this? Maybe occassionally wetting the bed is not unusual, but I can't see anyone saying that having to wear diapers at 8 years old is normal.
And there is a lot of room for interpretation for what people mean when they say normal. To me saying its normal means that atlesst 25% of the kids her age still do it, otherwise she is an outlyer statistically speaking. And I am pretty confident that 25% of 8yr old don't wear diapers to bed.
But just because something is "normal" doesn't mean that her parents shouldn't be working on it. Yeah, its normal for 2 yr old to throw tantrums and not listen, but that doesn't mean that I shouldnt be working with bs on his listening skills and self control. This is exactly the mentality that left us with a 7 yr old that peed her pants constantly. Dh's friend worked as a rec leader and told my Dh that "all little girls are like that" when he mentioned how she waited to the last minute and would pee her pants on the way to the bathroom at 5 yrs old. So he took that to mean don't say anything to her about it, that's there was nothing wrong with peeing her pants everyday. Well two years later, I get hauled into the daycare office to get asked if SD has medical issues cause she's peed her pants everyday for two weeks and that if she isn't potty trained that we need to bring clothes for her, cause they don't keep emergency clothes on hand in her size. So nasty SD was peeing her pants EVERYDAY not telling us and just wearing pee covered clothes all day. That was finally a wait up call for Dh and he got on board and we finally stopped it. That she was the only kid peeing her pants over the age of 5, and even for those kids it was a rare accident.
The last time we took her for
The last time we took her for a check up was probably about 3 or so months ago. I am not sure if the dr used the word "normal" or "common". Not sure if that makes a difference or not. The dr never advised me or told me not to have her wear diapers, that subject was never brought up. She just told us to try to deal with as best as we can umtil she starts getting up on her own. She did tell us that contrary to belief, limiting drinks at night doesnt help. I was a bit taken back by that and didnt know what to think. Umm if you dont have anything in your bladder, how can you wet the bed right?? But anyways, after trying waking her, trying to make her go before bed (which she fights us on as well), trying to get her to help with the bedding in the morning and talking with her nothing has worked and I felt that having her wear a diaper at night would help out all of us in the long run to at least reduce the stress what we are under because of it. Then, when we all feel she wants to help herself stop, then we can remove the diapers and we can start it all over again. If she doesnt even want to try to help herself stop, why should I have to deal with it in the morning. Thats just how I feel. When SHE wants to stop, then we can work on it then. Do you agree?
Katie
Yes, I completely agree.
Yes, I completely agree. Until she wants to stop, there's no point banging your head against the wall.
I find it interesting that she won't even use the bathroom before bed. That really makes me think it goes beyond laziness and not careing, and is bordering on something psychological. Would your Dh be on board to have her go speak to someone for a consultation? Being a deep sleeper and not waking up is one thing, being too lazy/nasty to go to the bathroom at night is one thing..... But even refusing to go pee before bed when you are fully awake and rational is quite another.
I feel for you. Dh needs to get on board and get this addressed, its not fair of him to put it all on you. Even the diaper solution, temporary as it may be, isn't even giving you the relieve that you need from this.
I dont know if its the same
I dont know if its the same thing but, when we tell/ask her to go to the bathroom before bed, 95% of the time she denies having to go and we get the "I dont hafta go"! then gets upset when we keep prodding her to at least try. Thats when she refuses to go. Your right, if she wont even help herself by going before bed thinking that it might help (I have known kids that go to the bathroom multiple times before bed because they are embarrassed and want to stop) still end up wetting the bed. Actually, having her wear a diaper IS helping and making our (especially mine) ALOT easier and ALOT less stressfull. I hate to sound like its a cop-out but its alot better then the alternative. I thought that if she hates having to wear a diaper that much, she would want to stop but as much as she hates to wear one, its just us 3 and no outside pressure or being embarrassed because no one else knows. Does that make sense? Thats what I feel anyways. Its rare we have family or friends spend the night so she isnt that embarrassed over it. Its hard to put into words but, she HATES wearing one but isnt embarrassed that she has to. Like I said, its hard to put into words sorry.
Katie
While it isn't "normal" it is
While it isn't "normal" it is common. You can google it for some causes. I peed my bed every night until first grade. My brother had the same problem, he was older. Doctor said he needed more exercise, and that did the trick for him. Sometimes the solution is simple.
Regarding the room...my sd drove me absolutely crazy with the room. She would "clean" her room by stuffing all kinds of things into bags. In the same bag you could find a dirty sock, a keepsake, a candy wrapper, craft items, stuffed animal, and an earring. ??!! As long as the room "appeared" clean, that's all that mattered. Eventually, I learned that providing all the organizing bins and such for her made the matter worse. Fast forward 10 years and I'm having the same.exact.problem with my bio daughter9. O.M.G. These two girls have something in common. They are both VERY artistic. Like off the charts artistic. And crafty. So part of it is thinking they will need item x in the future, so can't throw it away. They both had parents divorce at around the same age. They want to control their stuff because, what else can they control? They don't want to let go of things easily, because those things have memories.
Anyway, I had told my daughter that I was going to remove the shelf from her room because she was shoving stuff on the shelf that needed to be thrown away or put somewhere else (like dirty laundry, dresser drawers, etc.) She agreed and actually took everything off and tried to drag it down to the basement last night by herself. She doesn't know why she does what she does, but she knows it's not okay and wants to change. She just doesn't know how. I'm thinking about making her watch hoarders with me, because I know that I can't make it halfway through that show before I'm up and decluttering! LOL Anyway, just wanted to tell you that there ARE kids like this, who don't do these things to drive us crazy. It's really a psychological issue that they don't have a ton of control over. Here is a reward idea. Tell her you will give her $5.00 at the end of a week. But for every piece of trash, something WAY out of place, etc. that you find, you will take away $.50. So if she keeps it clean, she gets the money, if not, she doesn't. Adjust amount to fit your budget. If she won't do something for YOU, maybe she will do it for $$!
Just an update...she got home
Just an update...she got home from school today and was DEMANDING that I put her things back in her room and when I told her no, she proceeded to go look for it. I did get some good advice and I am going to purchase a cheap air mattress for her room that I dont have to worry about getting ruined. I am putting my foot down with this and NOT letting her have ANYTHING back until she earns it. Weather it takes a day or a week or a month or a year....she isnt getting anything back until she can show me she is a big girl! Someone give me a pat on the back! lol
Katie
Dad is still up in the air
Dad is still up in the air regarding taking her door off. He says she "needs her privacy". I agree that kids need their privacy but I also feel that privacy is earned and not a given right? I think she should earn it. If she cant be trusted to keep her room cleaned and sanitary, I am not about to let her keep doing what she is doing. I am hoping one of these days I can talk dad into trying it.
Katie
Update...We have taken the
Update...We have taken the door off her room as of last night and we will see how that works out. I finally convinced him to give it a try and if he thinks it wont work, then we can put the door back on. I asked him to at least give it a week if he can stick it out for that long. She still does not have anything in her room other then her bed (I purchased an air mattress for her to sleep on) so she doesnt ruin it like she did her other 2 we bought for her. She HATES HATES having to come to me in the morning asking for her clothes for the day so I think she is finnaly getting the idea that I am NOT going to put up with it anymore and I am not going to find any smelly surprises in her closet. She has to now bring the used diaper so I can see that she is disposing of it properly. If she doesnt, I send her right back in her room to retrieve it. We will see how long its gonna take for her to make a change for the better.
Katie
I've never completely emptied
I've never completely emptied out the room, but I have been known to dump their shit when I find it all over the place. I just wait till they're not home, I go in with a jumbo black bag and anything & everything that is on the floor is fair game. It has helped tremendously. Now I just hired a cleaning lady so I don't have to deal with cleaning up after any one anymore. DH suggested it and he pays for it so good for ME.
I would LOVE to hire a
I would LOVE to hire a maid/cleaning lady! She would probably quit after 2 days! lol I am sure they have seen their share thought. I can only imagine some of the stories they could tell from the houses they have been to.
Katie