Need advice Re: SD11 for this weekend
AGHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Every time SD11 comes over we have a BLAST... she and I get along great, she raves about me to her dad and BM both, she loves my kids, she has her own bed at my house, my kids adore her and it's like she is a celebrity when she gets there b/c EVERYONE loves SD11. But she ALWAYS comes up with one excuse or another to leave early, not come, or be a general brat at some point even after having a BLAST. I have pics of her playing and having a ball to prove it and BM even remarked how great SD and I get along...
so here is what I just got from SO (the I's here are HIM... not me) :
I don't know what to do about SD11. She is being a brat. She does have practice for that pageant this afternoon and doesn't know exactly when it will end but on top of that she says she does not want to come tonight (we get her Wed nights for church at our church) and with me she just keeps making excuses of why she doesn't want to come this weekend and to BM apparently said this morning I am not going.
I called BM about it. BM said "I am at a loss. If I make her go she is going to be a pain and make you guys miserable and you will have a shitty weekend or bring her back early which I know you said you would not but the way she is acting now I bet you would. And if I say you should not make her come then you and Bronwynn will be mad at me and I don't want that. I don't know what the right thing to do is but if I were in your shoes the way she is right now I would not fool with it and say fine, you will not get to do anything with us until you agree to be all in" BM is really on the same side as we are on for this and she has not said anything to SD11 about being able to not go but she said she would not be suprised if I REALLY want to go through with this that I have to pick the kid up and put her in the car kicking and screaming. Do I really want to do that?
{{{I interjected here and asked if we were really going to let an 11 yr old call the shots in this family, bc/ he already allows the 15 and 13 yr old to refuse to come over}}}
he replied: I am just going to tell you what BM just said...... "They are all 3 going to come around soon and everything will be fine, I understand where you are coming from and you want to have her but if you take her kicking and screaming it will make things worse and it may be a long time till you get her back. I would suggest, and I am just giving you my opinion is that you make it be your choice and say you decided that if she does not want to be a complete member of the group and you all enjoy it that you decided she should not get to do anything with you and when she can behave like she should she can come back. That way it was something you did and not her and you stay in control. It is your decision but I can tell you honestly I don't think you want to do this."
GRRRRRRRR
That's what they said with the older 2. They have not come over ONCE since we said that. What do we do here???? I'm used to SMALLER kids. I'm not used to having an 11 yr old stepdaughter that is twice my size and acts like my 4 year old. Do we just give her what she wants? Or do we force her to come? SHould there be consequences from SO and BM for this (I WILL NOT be involved in any talking to SD regarding the situation.. it's NOT my place... THEY are her parents, not me... just so we are clear. I won't even be there)
I personally think when a
I personally think when a child does this they are asking for their parent to set the limits. they are pushing to see how much their other parent will fight for them. If the NC parent backs off they feel they didn't care enough.
That's what I think too.. and
That's what I think too.. and I KEEP saying it.. but apparently I know nothing
Actually, SD won't spend time
Actually, SD won't spend time w friends either. My son and her are nearly the same age and he is more interested in friends and going out than her... And he is aspergers. She's not wanting to do stuff w friends. She never gets invited to things. When she does, we offer to take her. She has pageant coming up and he is going. She was at a friends house during our last visitation which was a very rare even so he let her stay there til about bed time and went to get her then. Believe me, this child is not disrespected or held back from doing anything. SO is very encouraging of the kids activities and we have been offering to pay for her to do karate bc she didn't like other sports she has done and wanted to try that as her sisters have other things they are involved in.
My first reaction is that a
My first reaction is that a child of any age should not be making the decision. But my nephew and his Mom and Dad let him choose when to go to his Dads. Mainly because he is busy and doing alot of sporting activties and hanging with his friends. His Mom and Dad never fight over time. Kids at this age just like to be in their own world with their friends. I would maybe tell them that Dad wants to spend time with them at least One night on his weekend or even just do lunch. As long as its ok with Dad and Mom. It sounds like everybody has a good relationship. Take the time to do something with DH. But be sure that DH keeps in contact with skids so they don't think he has brushed them off. Ya'll sound like your all on the right track.
I really don't like the idea
I really don't like the idea of letting the girls pick and choose when to come. There are 6 kids involved here and I'm not giving up the occasional weekend my bios dad actually takes them and I don't have drill for them bc they wanna act like they run things. I get one weekend a month where I get ONE night alone with SO. We both have drill our other off weekend. The weekends they are supposed to be here are the only weekends they really CAN come. And they still get to do all their activities at either house. My house is less than 15 min from their mom's.
Update of sorts... She called and asked if she could come just to go out to dinner w us and not church. Uh, no. SO suspects the next call will be she wants to come just to take advantage of the activities I do with the kids on the weekends and spend our money (ie my money right now bc it was MY pay week) and SO told her that was a big no. She comes for the weekend or not at all. I stepped off and let him handle it. It's trying my patience.